For many participants, extended family was a common feature of family life. Several participants lived with grandparents in the same house at some point during their upbringing (Table 3.2), and most had extended kin living in very close proximity. Living with or very near to extended family is common in South Asian cultures, which place a strong emphasis on collectivist values (Bhopal 1998; Erdrishinga et al. 2015; see section 2.4). In many cases, participants described their home as the ‘main house’ in their family. The term ‘main house’ usually referred to the house where participants’ paternal grandparents lived with their son [i.e. these participants’ fathers] and his family. Typically, second-generation participants’ fathers had migrated in early adulthood and then brought their wives and parents to the UK, whilst often supporting other family members with their migration too. Most first-generation participants had grown up with or in close proximity to their paternal grandparents; sometimes their own families were also nearby.
Participants who lived in the ‘main house’ often felt that their mothers were under a great deal of pressure from their mothers-in-law (i.e. participants’ paternal grandmothers) to undertake most of the domestic work. In Anita’s case, her mother was particularly vulnerable
142 to her mother-in-law’s demands. Anita’s mother was brought from Pakistan to the UK through marriage at the age of 14, and gave birth to Anita when she was 16 years old. Anita views her paternal grandmother as a controlling figure, who ‘bullied and oppressed’ Anita’s mother into a subservient role within the household. Anita found it difficult to see her mother struggle with this. She felt that her mother was ‘always quite on eggshells a lot of the time’, and that her mother had to take on a lot of responsibility at such a young age. Ashira reflected a similar account, and felt that her mother had ‘suffered’ from living with Ashira’s grandmother. These women perceived that their mothers’ frustration stemmed from their position at the bottom of the gendered family hierarchy, which is the position which new daughters-in-law typically occupy in South Asian families (Kandyioti 1988).
For those who grew up in the ‘main house’, extended family hierarchies also had significant ramifications for their own early life-courses. These participants described how the ‘main house’ was kind of a hub where the family frequently gather. Participants’ mothers were responsible for catering to their relatives’ demands. For example, Raveena felt that her mother was placed under the ‘burden’ of catering for relatives who could ‘come round at the drop of a hat, at short notice’. Participants were therefore often encouraged to help out their mothers and share their responsibilities (whereas any brothers were not, see section 4.2.3). As Fatima explains:
I just remember every weekend we’d say sit down and say, right, who’s doing the dishes; who’s doing the hoovering; who’s doing the washing and the ironing and whatnot. So all us sisters used to work together and do that, which was good, in a way, because it used to encourage each other and helped my mum a lot. (Fatima)
143 age. In one instance, when her mother was on an Islamic pilgrimage, she found herself performing her mother’s responsibilities: ‘I had to do the washing and had to make sure there was a bit of food at home’.
Since extended family members were either living with participants, or could arrive at any moment, participants often felt that they had to compromise their gender identities. In Jasvinder’s case, she reflected that her upbringing was akin to ‘living in a goldfish bowl’, meaning that she had little privacy:
It was busy, it was really busy, and it was very exposed. You have to be proper all of the time, in a sense, you know, it’s… You found that you had to hide your emotions a lot of the time because you don't know who was going to come to the door, or who’s going to pop over, or whatever. (Jasvinder)
Here, Jasvinder’s depiction of being ‘exposed’ and having to ‘hide your emotions’ shows that she felt that she could not express herself openly at home. Jasvinder felt she was subject to constant surveillance or judgement from family members. She expresses how this affected her to a considerable extent:
…it felt very strange in a sense. And especially when you’re growing up, you’re going through adolescence, you want your own space. Just didn’t get much of that, to be honest, and that was a difficult period, I think for me growing up…I became quite introverted after…hitting puberty I became, sort of, very closed up because, you know, there are things that are confusing, but you just don't know who to talk to. (Jasvinder)
144 This extract illustrates how, for many women in this study, living with and near to extended kin played a significant role in shaping these women’s negotiation of their gender identities. Participants were making compromises and often felt a sense of constraint as they negotiated their gender identities. Extended family hierarchies typically played a significant role in further reproducing traditional gender norms during participants’ upbringing. However, gendered sibling hierarchies were also highly influential in shaping participants’ gender socialisation with traditional norms.