Evolución de la disciplina central

"BUT WE JUST HAD A SMALL ARGUMENT??"

One of the most frustrating experiences you can have as the dumpee, is being convinced that you are in a good and loving relationship one moment - and then getting dumped the very next.

A breakup rarely happens from one day to the next. It usually builds up over a period.

And a dumper will typically be reflecting, thinking and contemplating for a longer pe-riod of time.

And while the dumper tries to muster the necessary courage to break up, or perhaps even become 100% sure of her decision, ev-erything needs to be "business as usual".

This means that the dumper will still tell you "I love you", plan for the future, have sex with you, see your family etc etc.

And this has its own, backwards logic, be-cause any MAJOR change in the dumper´s behavior will open up the WHOLE problem - a problem that the potential dumper does NOT want to face right now. That´s the whole point!

The dumper (or potential dumper) is not sure, or not ready.

And that´s why she HAS to answer "I love you, too", have sex, plan for the future, see your family etc. If she didn´t it would set off your warning signs and hence speed up the process.

Yes, it IS indeed a Catch-22 problem.

If - on top of it all - the dumper can´t find a "legitimate excuse" or explanation for why she wants to break up, she will sometimes wait for an argument, look for mistakes you make, or ANY KIND OF EXCUSE to break

up with you. And when THAT happens, the dumpee is left with a huge question mark.

"What the hell just happened?? Yesterday she told me she loved me - and today she´s breaking up with me?! WTF??"

So the short explanation is, that the relation-ship to a large extent WAS over long before your partner broke up.

Your partner just couldn´t do it, couldn´t bring herself to break up with you, had sec-ond thoughts, or lacked a "legitimate" reason to give herself the last push.

And I say "legitimate reason" because the dumper might be in a relationship, where her partner is a great person in many ways - it´s just not the right person for her.

This can make things extra tough because it´s often a lot easier breaking up with "an idiot", than with "a really great person that I just don´t want to be with - and don´t wanna hurt".

That´s why it´s VERY IMPORTANT to under-stand, that if you got dumped this way, the break up can rarely be "fixed if we just have a talk about our last argument".

It´s often NOT about the last argument, or about a few, insignificant issues.

It often IS about bigger issues, that your ex is not willing to work at.

Hence the lame excuse. And that´s why this kind of breakup seems to come as a bolt out of the blue.

AKA "my ex is a complete psycho".

Many dumpees love this - they love giving others the impression that their ex was al-most a deranged serial killer or psycho stalk-er.

After all, their ex HAD to be nuts to leave them and treat them disrespectfully and thoughtlessly, right?

Well, in most cases this is of course more a natural product of the shock and hurt feel-ings of the dumpee than a matter of fact.

But what if your ex really IS a psycho??

Sometimes it IS true, that your ex is psycho-logically challenged, or ”two cans short of a sixpack” or ”crazy” - depending on your preferred way to express this.

And while it can be absolutely horrific to be involved with someone who has a personality disorder - it also can provide you with a LOT of clues to why your relationship didn´t work, and quite possibly was doomed from the very beginning.

If you were/are involved with someone who truly does have a severe personality disorder like Borderline personality disorder,

Psycho-pathic PD, Narcissistic PD, Bipolar disorder, Schizophrenia etc - you are not only fighting an uphill battle.

Not even intensive longterm therapy can guarantee neither cure nor a significant im-provement in people with these conditions - It´s almost as difficult for them as asking them to grow 2 inches taller.

And perhaps the most interesting and rel-evant questions you need to ask yourself are these:

• Why did I end up with a mentally or emotionally challenged person?

• What made me attracted to this person in the first place?

• How come I overlooked some glaring red flags along the way?

• How can I avoid this in the future?

• Did the person I was with change during the relationship - and did I not notice this change, or react to it?

Read more about extra toxic breakups here.

One of the most misguided and misplaced phrases that is often heard when people split up is "She stole my husband!" or "He took her away from me!".

Just watching an episode of the american TV show "Cheaters" (where detectives "help"

people find out if their significant others are cheating on them - and then of course

document the dramatic confrontations that ensue) makes you understand how common (and human) it is to let your anger and frus-tration out on the new lover of the one who is cheating on her partner.

Sometimes the offended party even com-pletely forgets to confront his or her cheating

"SOMEONE STOLE MY PARTNER!"

"MY EX IS CRAZY!"

partner - focusing only on the lover instead.

However human and "natural" this might be, it´s all very primal, and at the end of the day completely missing the mark.

Yes, it´s only natural that "the new lover" sud-denly becomes the target, because after all you only feel hurt because you still have feel-ings for the partner who´s cheating on you.

Otherwise why bother?

So it´s often easier to confront the lover than confronting the REAL source of the infidel-ity. And classic rivalry somehow seems so engrained in us, that we completely miss the big picture.

Actress Denise Richards - ex-wife of actor Charlie Sheen - was once interviewed about

her affair with a supposedly married man.

The reporter asked how Richards would re-spond to the people who claimed that she had stolen another woman´s husband.

And Denise Richards calmly looked at the reporter and quietly responded:

"How do you steal somebody´s husband?".

To which the reporter didn´t have a response other than "..erm...you can´t?". Bingo!

Unless you kidnap someone else´s partner at gunpoint, it´s not possible to steal someone else´s partner.

They simply have to be a willing and active party for an affair to occur. They have to WANT to get ”stolen” away from you!

The old cliché "it´s not you - it´s me", is of-ten just a lame line som people serve up to get away as undramatically as possible from a breakup. And sometimes it really IS the truth: Sometimes it really ISN´T you - it´s her!

Not all people are cut out for being in a re-lationship, and not all people are truly inter-ested in a mutually beneficial partnership.

There are quite a few users and abusers out there, and as much as you´d like, you can´t avoid running into one from time to time.

However, you CAN educate yourself, so you know what to look for and what to avoid.

You don´t wanna miss this article on "Top Ten signs a woman is bad news".

It might provide you with some insight to your own situation, and it might also save you from more grief in the future.

Check it out here:

http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/

relationships/top-ten-signs-a-woman-is-bad-news-how-to-fix-or-move-on