1. Think about and then write out (this makes it more concrete) the answers to the following questions. Do not be “politically correct”
or try to second-guess your partner. Be free and explicit.
! How much intimacy do you want in your life and relationship?
! What are the most important emotions you want to share in your relationship?
! What is your preferred way to deal with differences and conflicts?
! What is your preferred couple style: complementary, conflict minimizing, best friend, or emotionally expressive?
! How important is sex in your life? How important is your relationship?
! In terms of affectionate touch, do you prefer kissing, holding hands, or hugging?
! How much do you enjoy cuddling? How important is it to you?
! How do you distinguish affectionate touch from seductive or sensual touch?
! How much do you enjoy sensual touch? Do you prefer taking turns or mutually giving and receiving?
! What is the meaning and value of playful touching? How comfortable are you with affectionate nicknames for your genitals?
! How much do you enjoy erotic scenarios and techniques? Do you prefer single stimulation or multiple stimulation, taking turns or mutual stimulation, using external stimuli or not?
Do you enjoy erotic sex as a route to orgasm or only as a pleasuring experience?
! What is your preferred intercourse position? Man on top, woman on top, rear entry, side to side? What type of thrust-ing do you prefer? In and out? Circular? Deep inside? Shal-low? Do you want to engage in multiple stimulation during intercourse?
! How much do you value afterplay as a part of your love-making style?
2. Read your partner’s responses and then carefully discuss together each question, clarifying both the practical and emotional dimen-sions. Remember that you are not clones of each other. You want to maintain your individuality and not feel embarrassed or apolo-getic about your emotional and sexual desires. Your preferences and sensitivities are part of who you are as a sexual person and must be integrated into your couple style for you to be truly satisfied.
3. Divide your answers into three categories:
Areas you agree on. These will enhance your enjoyment and satis-faction with each other and your relationship. For example, you both agree that you want a complementary couple style. You want sex to play a 15 to 20 percent energizing role; there are no major sexual secrets or conflicts; you both enjoy affectionate and playful touch more than sensual touch; on occasion you find erotic sex to orgasm highly satisfying; you agree on two favorite intercourse positions;
and you both value quiet, bonding afterplay.
Areas you can reach agreement on. Identify differences you can accept and perhaps even enjoy. Perhaps one spouse prefers a conflict-minimizing couple style while the other wants the closeness of the complementary style; one partner values sharing daily feelings and experiences while the other is more emotionally reserved; the spouse who puts more value on sex agrees to be the prime initiator;
one person prefers kissing and the other holding hands; one would rather do sexual touching standing up and the other likes lying in bed;
he likes verbalizing sexual fantasies while she likes to close her eyes and fantasize; she likes to switch intercourse positions while he pre-fers to be on top. These are not matters of right or wrong. You can integrate your preferences or take turns. Enjoy your partner’s sexual style. Remember, an involved, aroused partner is the best aphrodisiac.
Differences to accept or adapt to. Finally, when there are genuine major differences between you, work to accept or adapt to them. For example, one wants a conflict-minimizing relationship while the other wants an emotionally expressive style; one puts a very high priority on sex while the other is indifferent; one wants a daily sensual massage and the other hates massage; she wants to use a vibrator dur-ing intercourse to help her be orgasmic and he is turned off by the vibrator; he wants to try a variety of intercourse positions but she strongly prefers rear entry; he likes being sexual early in the morning while she only wants to be sexual late at night; he wants to experi-ment with swinging relationships and she values monogamy. It is not easy, or even possible, to integrate many of these differences, but there are two major coping strategies. One is to acknowledge your differ-ences but not let them turn into a power struggle. Instead, accept them and try to work around them. It helps to remember that difference does not equal rejection. The second strategy is to agree to enter couple therapy to understand the meaning of the differences, and, with the help of the professional, find a common ground for intimacy and sexuality.
The goal of this exercise is to develop a comfortable, pleasur-able, functional, and mutually satisfying couple sexual style. This exercise encourages you to take personal responsibility for your sexuality and to grow as a unique, intimate team.
You can be proud of yourselves for working together to address PE and improve ejaculatory control. In sharing emotional and sexual feelings and preferences, you’ll increase understanding, empathy, and acceptance. This will provide the foundation for a couple sexual style that ensures both satisfaction and security.