It's strange, but sometimes when I think of past and now and soon I feel a fire within my brain, a pressure from within. These feelings never had occurred as day by day went by
But now I know the heaping price of youth days spent in sin. Father always tortured me but never raised a hand,
And mother smothered me in love and coated 'gainst the storm Her first-born only son and heir whom she knew sought her help,
Who revelled in her warm embrace; truth a burrowing worm Within a heart protected from frost and sun alike;
Held captive and lost and alone while others move along To rhythms he could never match and dance steps far too hard;
To native drumbeats of the heart and wild free Gypsy song. And so he grew and grew and grew within his home-made jail
'Til now he is all fizzled out and trapped and unaware Of how the song is sung, the dance is stepped, the tom-tom beat,
Until a brick, a stone is moved, and people show they care.
Richard Peacocke, 1999
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is the development of symptoms following one’s exposure to an extreme event of some sort, such as this car crash. This event (or these events, because this event acted as a catalyst to a whole gamut of stressors as will be seen later) will have either involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or the person might have witnessed an event that involves death, injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of another person (DSM IVTM, 309.81, Posttraumatic
Stress Disorder). They may even have learned about an unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other close associate. One's response must involve intense fear, helplessness, or horror – or all of the above.
The symptoms one has resulting from this include constantly re-experiencing the traumatic event, often called ‘Flashbacks’, avoiding situations that are associated with the event, a general numbing of feelings and emotions, and an increased arousal state. Rarely, a dissociative state can result that may last from a few seconds to several hours, or even days. During these dissociations, one might behave as though living through the event again. I have suffered from such dissociation.
Objects and situations that remind one of the events that caused the trauma are avoided because they cause psychic pain. This also means making deliberate efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the event and to avoid activities, situations, or people who remind one of it. This may go so far as to include amnesia for an important aspect of the event. “Psychic numbing” or “emotional anaesthesia” also usually begins soon after the event. Enjoyment of previously enjoyed activities is reduced or extinguished, and one can feel detached or estranged from other people, or of not being able to feel emotions (especially those associated with intimacy, tenderness, and sexuality). One may even not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span and this can turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy through dangerous or suicidal actions (RCPsych, 2011).
I suffer from these symptoms. Specifically, I re-experience traumatic situations – though I have learned how to avoid these by not thinking about the past (another symptom) and avoid memorials and getting together with people who remind me of the traumatic situations (more symptoms). An example from this story might be the
feeling that, on the way to the impact, I actually looked forward to death, embraced it as a friend, and generally exhibited a will to death that subsequently shocked me to recall, to the point of these thoughts being buried and hidden beneath more so-called acceptable memories. People often ask me to attend Remembrance Day functions or ex-military gatherings or parades, all of which I avoid like the plague – which is what PTSD is, a sickness of the soul.
Post-traumatic stress disorder: A common anxiety disorder that develops
after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Family members of victims also can develop the disorder. PTSD can occur in people of any age, including children and adolescents. More than twice as many women as men experience PTSD following exposure to trauma. Depression, alcohol or other substance abuse, or other anxiety disorders frequently co-occur with PTSD.
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=187 79 (Accessed 30MAR11)
I am definitely always psychically numb and this extends into all areas of my life. In fact, whenever I begin to feel emotions, my mind automatically dampens them down and tries to resume that grey flatness that is safe and comfortable for me, if not for others, and this has in the past led onto dissociative behaviour. My illness has arguably resulted in my losing two wives and two girlfriends, two families, two houses, two successful careers, and so on. I was hospitalised for three weeks and have been actively suicidal several times, and self-harmed at others. There are still many days when I wish not to be here any more, but nowadays I find it easier than before to apply lessons learnt in the past to keeping myself safe until the feelings pass or are ameliorated in some way. This is no way for a grown man to live. I worry about my mental health as my post-traumatic stress disorder, my PTSD, means I fall into the remit of the Mental Health Act 1983 as revised in the 2007 Act:
“mental disorder” means any disorder or disability of the mind
So how can I write about my PTSD experiences? As the sage said: “With extreme difficulty”. I find it hard to recollect my PTSD experiences fully because my mind tries to shy away from them into that comfortable flatness again every time I
approach them. The way through this for me is to write a bit at a time and edit at the end. This is how I have written this next part of the now to which follow, and I hope it offers some more insight into my life. This story has been published in Grant et al., 2011, page 26).