Fermentación y Diversidad Cultural a Escala Global

While loudness, boisterousness, constant talking can sometimes block any effective exchange, it can also, in other circumstances, spell out friendliness and love, as it did in Paul's family. This was the case with another woman we spoke to, a Protestant from Maine who mar-ried into a New York Italian-American family. "I've come to understand that all the noise is a sign of warmth. I revel in it now, though at first it frightened me a little.

The truth is, though, if loudness is warmth, then silence can sometimes be ice—even colder than ice. My father was a cold man. He hardly ever spoke, and there were long, uncomfortable silences at home while we all waited for a word, any word to let us know he cared.

"Sometimes we'd even try to provoke him into anger to get him to say something, but once he was angry he was worse than ever. He would just withdraw com-pletely."

Another man we spoke to interpreted his brother's silence as disapproval. "When I'd talk to him about my work or my girlfriends, he'd just sit there without answer-ing, and all I could think of was how much he disap-proved of me. In the end I just stopped seeing him."

The same man told us he had just broken off with a girlfriend for the same reason. "She rarely ever talked.

Labeling 135 When I first met her I saw her silence as something intriguing, something mysterious. She seemed so beauti-ful and remote. I wanted to solve the mystery, and I fantasized that at the core there was this wonderful, warm woman. But when I got beyond the surface there was nothing, only that aloof silence, and all at once what I had interpreted as mysterious became nothing more than selfish. She was so wrapped up in herself that she couldn't see the need to communicate with anyone else. I just gave up."

And yet, for all its blocking quality, sometimes silence can be a strong, binding force. "When we go up to our weekend place in the country," a married couple ex-plained, "we both feel that we're running away from the city. We've had a week of hassling and tension. We've both got high-pressure jobs, and I tell you, on the ride up neither of us speaks. There's a blessed silence in the car, a warm and comfortable silence. We understand each other and there's no need to chatter away. Our very presence is a comfort to each other."

The silence this couple falls into is a productive silence.

It allows them to unwind, to think, and, if one does speak, to listen. It is far removed from the cold, with-drawn silence of anger or dislike.

Silence at the right time, in the right place, can be a potent force in creating sexual chemistry. "I fell in love with Carol," Barry told us, "on our first date. It was just an explosion of sexual chemistry. There was something about her, I don't know what, that made me understand that she cared for me, was really interested in me, and understood me. Maybe it was just an extraordinary em-pathy."

Carol said, "Empathy, shmempathy. If the truth has to

be told, it was simply a case of creative listening."

"What's that?" we asked.

"Well, I call it creative listening, though maybe there's a technical term for it. I learned it when I was very young. Dad, whom I loved dearly, was fond of giving us kids little sermons, and we all used to turn off when we heard them, and that always annoyed him and he'd turn away in disgust.

"Well, one time when I had an unhappy experience with a boy, he gave me his 'boys are like buses' ser-mon—'If you miss one, there'll always be another along in a little while'—and I decided to surprise him. I listened attentively, and when he was finished I repeated the last few things he had said, but using different words.

" H e was so shocked that I had really listened—my repeating his thoughts in other phrases made him realize that—shocked and delighted. It made his day, and it set me thinking. I tried it with my brothers and with my friends, and it always worked."

"Let's get it straight. Just what did you do?"

"As I said, I listened, and then, to show I had listened, I fed back the last few things he said in slightly different words. You know, most people don't listen. They wait for you to finish talking so they can launch into what they have to say. When they realize you are really and truly listening to them, it puts a different complexion on the discussion. I did it with Barry when we first met, and he flipped out. He calls it empathy, but it isn't. I like to call it creative listening."

Carol's technique works, and it can generate sexual chemistry not only on a lovers' level but also in many other fields. It can put an entirely new dimension into friendship, and it is particularly effective in business.

Labeling 137 Politicians have gotten startling results with it. Most politicians seem incapable of answering a direct question, but creative listening at least convinces the questioner that he has been heard—whatever the response.

Analyzing just why Carol's creative listening works brings us to the conclusion that one of the most potent forces in creating sexual chemistry that lasts is involve-ment. There is a kind of sexual chemistry that comes very quickly—and often disappears just as fast. Boy meets girl and fireworks go off. There is a passionate fling, and the fireworks die down and that is that. Not only is there no forever after, there isn't even a few days after.

"I've had enough sexual chemistry in my day to start a chemical plant," a very handsome young man told us.

"But none of it ever mattered. In the beginning, I thought it was great not ever getting involved with a woman. I had my freedom with a big F. I used to tell them, 'It's fun for you, it's fun for me,' and I'd say, 'Let's leave it at that,' and then I'd hang out somewhere else for a while to keep the old love from becoming a habit—and to meet someone else."

"And now?"

"Now I don't know. My drive seems gone. What I want, what I really want, is something more perma-nent—a real relationship, I guess. I used to laugh when a woman talked about a relationship, but I don't know. I think now that's where it's at—but to tell you the truth, I don't know how to get there."

He could have "gotten there" through involvement. It would establish a lasting relationship.