Herramientas Utilizadas

My bank account was at an all time low. I could hear the annoyed huffs of the people lined up behind me, but that didn't stop my staring. I blinked at the figures. I wondered how on earth I would get through the final semester. I didn't have the credit for a loan, and so it would boil down to one of the two options; drop out of college, or ask my parents for help.

I hadn't talked to Rene in the longest. I hadn't been keeping things afloat with Charlie either. It would be in poor taste to call only to ask for money. But my relationships had all taken significant blows… I hadn't bothered to nurture any of them.

Things were difficult.

When I wasn't studying, I was crossing town to visit him at college, and whenever he found a spare minute he would be sneaking visits to my dorm. It was pure luck that my room mate was hardly ever present, Edward took full advantage of this, insisting that he'd write my essays when I was too worn out from his sexual appetite. And he had.

Edward had taken it upon himself to outline my work, reading for me, leaving my books littered with notes and pointers. He would always do this without my knowledge, leaving before telling me, texting me when he was half way gone, asking me if I made the grade. And I had. I was guilt ridden for turning in work that was aided—but if Edward was anything other than an addict, he was intelligent. School had never been a challenge for him. It came without the need to commit, and for this, I was left both envious and amazed.

It was fortunate that this whole episode took place during the holidays. But the holidays were soon to be over. And my pockets were shallow. Getting Edward into rehab had taken a huge chunk from my savings, from the money that Charlie had so graciously given me, from the Summer jobs I had taken up. If things were to be kept in their normal maintenance, I would have to find another job, I would have to juggle school with work… and Edward.

St Matthews Hope and Recovery was in part owned by Dr. Carlisle Cullen, a man who had been dedicated to rehabilitating others after the death of his teenaged son. I had paid a hesitant visit after Edward had shown up completely strung out.

He was a mess, stuttering, laughing and cursing, and absurdly sexual. And then there was me—the over protective, under assertive girlfriend who in hindsight should have told him to get himself together—but did I?

Of course not.

For the sun to be so shining so brightly you would have thought that this was a glorious day. My shoulders were at least relaxed. This had been the day after my final test, but still I was anxious. I had studied but I was never one to fair well in pressured situations.

My roommate was no where to be seen. Her idea of college was party after party, making out with her various boyfriends, spending the weekend at her 30-odd-year-old-sometimes-lover's apartment. She was failing, but I couldn't see an ounce of worry in her eyes—this girl was quite obviously flighty, and proud.

Edward had texted me relentlessly through the period.

-The best thing in this world, is knowing that when all of this over, I get to see you.

-Even if the rarity of you failing happened I would still be here and I would still center my world around you.

-No one here understands me, no one here is worth my time, no one here will ever replace you… my heart forever belongs to you.

-Loneliness reminds me how much I take you for granted.

-We'll celebrate the end with endless love making.

- I can't wait to hold you again.

-I love you. I want you. I can't wait to have you.

-Tell me you feel the same way.

-Please.

-Bella please.

-I need you.

-Why haven't you answered yet?

-I hate myself.

-I hate everything.

-I hate everyone.

-But I love you.

-Bella please answer me.

All of those, sent within the matter of three hours.

I knew this pattern well, frantic words, a splutter of admissions. He needed me. But I had been asleep. I was too zoned out to hear the continuous buzzing of my phone. Waking up to those messages had been the most terrifying thing. Edward had been clean for 2 months. Things were looking okay, his usage of drugs being only the occasional smoke of weed and his continuous use of nicotine.

I then checked my voice mails.

-Because you won't answer your fucking phone I'm c-coming over there. You better not be fucking around Bella, not fucking anyone else, d-don't' doubt me when I say that I'll blow a fucking fuse if I find some other fuck in your dorm room!

-Fuck you aren't with another guy are you?

-I'm so fucking mad at you!

-For fucks sake how hard is it to answer your phone?

-Are you mad with me? I'm s-sorry. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so fucked up. Please call me back when you get this.

-I love you.

-Do you have any idea how much I love you? I'm almost there baby… I'm so sorry.

My head was thumping; I deleted all of the aggressive ones, kept the sweet ones, and called him back. He said he was at the coffee shop half a mile away from the college grounds, and ordered me to meet him. I could tell that this would be eventful, our arguments of late had been more frequent—my tolerance for his slips was indeed slipping.

Pulling up, I saw him pacing outside. I shut my engine off, and sighed, readied myself for whatever shit he was about to pull. It wasn't that I was resentful, or that I didn't want to see him, Edward was just… unpredictable.

"You're wearing my shirt," he noted, pointing and smiling.

"Yea…" I said. "Did you want a coffee or something to eat? I don't have anything back in the dorm."

"No," he replied, dragging me to him. "Aren't you glad to see me? I'm glad to see you. You look pretty. Is that a new perfume? Did you get my messages? The one about Barbra?"

I furrowed. "Barbra?"

"Yea Barb, she's this girl I met outside the Met—you know the on campus bar? She's thirty, re-taking her final year of college, she dropped out when she got pregnant… she's real nice. She tried to kiss me the other night though…

that didn't go so well. I told her… I told her that I was taken. B-but that didn't stop her… she was all over me!"

I pulled back. "All over you?"

He nodded smiling, eyes big and innocent. "She said I understood her, that no one understood her—but then I told her that no one understood me, that only you understood me.

"And then she told me she wanted to fuck. But I told her no. No! I can't fuck you! I only fuck my girlfriend!" He yelled animatedly. "I only fuck Bella! And then, then I told her about that one time we did it at that concert, that open air concert, in the back on the blankets and no one even noticed… How hot it was…"

"Edward… you can't, you can't tell people stuff like that."

"Why not? Why can't I? I love you! We're in love, people in love fuck all the time!"

I brought my hands to his face, used my thumbs and forefingers to pry his eyes open, checking his pupils… smelling his breath, a hint of something, what, I couldn't be too sure of.

He went on, ignorant to my prying. "And so she told me that she wanted to do me anyway, kept saying I was handsome and sexy and that she needed a good fuck. And so you wanna know what I did?"

I swallowed, not sure I was willing to hear anymore.

"I leaned forward, right up to her ear, whispered in it—because I know that you like that… you like when I talk slow in your ear, and I told her… I said 'go fuck yourself Barb' and then I laughed, because the look on her face was so fucking funny… and she started, she started crying… it was hilarious! She wanted to use me Bella… she thought she'd get away with it, but I told her…"

He pulled back from me, a grin on his face, an odd wide alert grin. He was behaving manically… this only happening once before—his sentences not stutters but fluid to a point of no inhaling.

"I didn't touch her Bella, I swear, I kept thinking about our time at that concert and I was so horny just… oh God!

And then, and then my dick got hard and I ran out the bar… I ran, and ran until I hit the station… that's when I took the train… I took it to come see you. Aren't you glad? Aren't you proud of me baby?"

I nodded. Not really caring. Just wanting to get him inside. Somewhere where he could sleep off his high.

We walked arm in arm to my truck, his bright smile never faltering. His kisses coming every minute or so on my cheek. "I love you." Was said about ten times over. I remained quiet until we reached inside, insisting that he flush out his system with copious amounts of bottled water. The last time, he took E, was after his mother walked out…

only to return two weeks later. Edward had laughed for ten minutes straight, calling his mother weak, scared of being alone. Cocaine was a regular feature, that was probably the hardest of them all for him to stop.

"Its only E, it won't do anything bad baby," he whined, reluctantly chugging down the water. "Plus I'm plenty hydrated now."

I wasn't sure what to do, I hadn't checked up online if drinking aided or disarmed the drug. I panicked slightly, eyeing the now two empty bottles at the side. "Okay… that's good enough," I said, taking the third bottle from his hands.

He rested back onto the bed. "Come." He pulled me to him, kissing my head. "I'll let you rest for now. Sleep on me okay?"

I nodded, closing my eyes, faking my slumber. I could tell that he wasn't sleeping, he wouldn't sleep at all tonight.

Instead, I breathed as steady as I could, feeling the repetitive, gentle stroke of his fingers. In the quiet of our surroundings, he stopped his movements.

"I'm sorry," he whispered faintly.

Being woken up in the middle of the night minus my underwear was disconcerting. I had forgotten that he was with me, a moment of frantic thinking as I tried to remember how I was suddenly naked.

"Hello baby." A smile on his face as he appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey," I replied, relieved.

Edward was naked too, his behind in full view as he walked about my room, reading a draft of my thesis. "This is good baby." He took a bite of an apple, chewing as he read. His stare shifted, his eyes fixing themselves to my breasts as I sat up. "You look better," he noted slyly as he neared me. "I took the liberty of undressing you… to save time."

I sucked in a lip. "Edward. We need to talk."

He smiled, crawling up, placing his knees at either side of me. "That's an ominous start."

"You were high…"

"Hmm," he hummed. "I promise… last time." He bent to kiss whatever skin he found. "I was stressed about school, I was missing you."

I pushed him off. "I'm serious. I went to see someone, a while back… about this." I gestured between us—meaning to refer to the drugs. "He said you could come see him, anytime…"

Edward snorted. "Oh please."

"Don't be like that…"

"Bella I'm okay alright? Fuck I'm fine!... Now please, lets just… make love, I promise all will be well again. I just want to be in you right now… I need you."

I hilted his movement with a hand to his chest. "You need help, other than me. I should be more firm with you. I shouldn't let you get away with this…"

I felt him giggling, his breath heating the space between my breasts. "You want to play mommy? Is that it?"

I blanched. "No… no I'm not trying to be her…."

He laughed a little harder. "I'm joking baby, relax, I know I can be… troublesome at times." He looked up, resting his jaw to my chest. "But, trust me… I'll get better, I'll get better for you."

All the tenderness, the way he looked at me, the glaze of tears that were threatening his ducts… I stroked his face, and told him okay, told him to make love to me—because now, I wanted nothing more than to be close to him… and this was sometimes the only way I knew how.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too."

"Are you… ready?"

I nodded, felt him against me, felt his cock slip inside, and with that contact I sighed, not relieved, not happy, not satisfied… but scared. When my usual whimpers and moaning evaded me, Edward's eyes came to meet mine.

"Are you… are you… doesn't it… feel… good?"

I nodded, releasing my breath, closing my eyes as he moved inside me. His neck strained, his swallowing deep, Edward grunted pushing deeper, wanting to hear me aloud.

"I need you… fuck… to, ahh fuck,.… tell me baby, tell me it feels… good."

I gripped his hips, circling mine with his, pushing him in, not wanting to let go, not wanting him to disappear. I wanted him here.

"It feels good," I breathed.

He groaned, pushing his face into my neck, licking the skin harshly before pulling back to stare into my eyes. "Tell me you love me… say you won't ever leave…." He thrust into me. "Come on Bella… tell me what I need to know."

He thrusts harder.

I moaned in response, nodding through my haze. "I love you Edward," I said, bringing my fingers to his lips.

He kissed the tips before speaking, "And you won't… leave me …will you?" He pulled out, sliding back in, this time more gently.

"No… never." I dropped my hand, the tingles from my coming orgasm working its way down. "Oh… oh…

Edward…"

He hummed, began sliding in and out at a hurried pace. I could hear everything, the slap and slip of our skin, the way the bed creaked and shook, the continuous short breaths we gave.

This was us.

Our need for one another so bad.

The manipulation in his words.

The promise in mine.

The love, however twisted… dominant.

We loved each other, no one could take that away… but at some point, the good, the bad, the ugly—it would all collide. And the only thing left would be an aftermath too big for either of us to clean up.

I knew that sooner…

later…

…that it wouldn't be me who would end up leaving.

I clutched his chest to mine, savoring each moment and kiss.

And it was then I realized…

Edward would get better.

I would get worse.

This was how it was meant to be.

A/N: Sorry for it not being all totally future bound… I promise it will be soon enough.

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Chapter: 11

A/n: Concerning timelines, if B and E are in high school consider this prior. All other instances are present/future.

Sorry for the confusion.

And now it's time for Edward's view.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

STAMPEDE OF A THOUSAND PULSES