Programa xTDT
4. INFORMACIÓN Y DIFUSIÓN
EASING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
You should not be even contemplating doing anything that this chapter suggested until you have waited the thirty days that it takes to solidify your love
.
By now you are looking and feeling your best and hopefully your dalliances with other people have helped boost your self esteem.
Check Your Feelings First
Everyone is different so no matter what this book suggests you need to check on how you really feel after the thirty days have passed
.
Some people check their feelings and then find that they do not miss their ex at all and that although they miss him or her they are having a better time without them
.
However if you do want to still reconnect with your ex then you should be feeling a little stronger, self assured, and ready to have some fun
.
The distance should have toned down any feelings of panic or desperation that you were feeling after the first few days of the breakup.
If you are feeling desperate or needy then you are not ready to start talking to your ex just yet
.
Your attitude should be that you are ready to move on no matter how it turns out with him or her.
This matters because your ex knows you very well
.
If you truly are desperate he or she will be able to pick up on it and you will become less appealing.
The upshot is that you need to wait past the thirty days if you are not in the mode where you feel you could move on if it did not work
.
Otherwise you are just going to self-sabotage the reunion.
73
If you’ve been properly avoiding them, they will be stressed, confused and anxious for contact
.
This means that you can now go back in and completely reconstruct the ground rules for your entire relationship.
It’s up to you to become aware of your past mistakes and make sure that you don’t fall into the same traps once you are back together with your ex
.
The good thing about all this is that things can be totally fresh and new and your relationship can be resurrected from the depths of alienation and despair
.
But more than anything, a major paradigm shift about what’s truly important in a relationship needs to take place in your mind for the reunion to work.
Making First Contact
You might think you can fake it but when you have a lot of history with someone it is hard to fake that you don’t care
.
However that is what you have to do in order to successfully call your ex with the intent of setting up a date.
Anticipation anxiety is extremely common all throughout the breakup process and of course taking this step is liable to make anyone nervous
.
Many people are obsessed on achieving a positive outcome and dreading the disappointment of a complete and total rejection.
This is a perfectly normal reaction to the situation at hand.
Once again, your body’s stress chemicals are to blame for how nervous you may feel about contacting your ex
.
You have just experienced a major withdrawal from the emotional states you used to experience with your ex and now you are about to become a love junkie again.
No wonder you don’t feel that well! All of a sudden, your body has a chance to get its drug of choice back so it will flood you with adrenaline to make sure you’re prepared to get its favorite narcotic – love for your ex!
74
Once you know you can handle whatever emotional trial comes your way you are ready to contact your ex and hopefully welcome him or her back into your arms
.
Start with a simple phone call
.
The object is to get your lover back into your life.
This is not a date or a chance to talk.
It needs to be seen by your ex as a chance to have some fun and ignite the spark again.
If you have done the work then you experience how you have broken the pattern
.
Your ex will act very friendly and differently than they have in the past.
They are not associating their bad feelings with you anymore.
Your phone conversations should be short, positive and fun
.
Think of yourself as a drug that is administered in small, highly concentrated yet carefully measured doses so your ex will be craving your company and want more.
If you can prevent yourself from showing anger, jealousy, desperation or
neediness, and you make them feel good, than they will naturally start pushing for more time with you
.
Here are some pointers to making that important first call
.
• Try and call at a time when you know he or she is not busy
.
• Focus on fun and don’t bring up any unpleasant memories • Talk about things that are positive that are going on in your life
• Bring up a memory about something pleasant that happened and talk about it
.
• Keep the first phone call pretty short
.
• Ask your ex to meet you at a specific date or time to do a specific thing
.
Meeting for coffee or lunch is better than dinner
.
• While you’re talking to your ex, keep things light and try and reestablish your old comfortable rapport
.
Once you have that back, don’t waste any time making that date to see him or her.
75
• Try to call a week before you actually want to see him or her as this will give you more time to prepare for the meeting
.
If You Get the Voicemail
So what should you do if you get the voicemail instead of your ex in person? In these days of caller I
.
D.
it is highly unlikely that your ex won’t know that it is you that called.
However you should not leave a message just yet.
However you should not call again and again until he or she picks up the phone
.
This makes you look needy and desperate.
Instead call once and then call again in about three days
.
Just seeing your name on the caller ID may be enough to trigger his or her curiosity.
Ideally your ex will see your number on his or her call display and call you
.
This is preferable to you having to call again.
If you call every couple of days for a week with no response, it means it is time to give this all a longer break
.
No calling more than once a day.
If several weeks go by and your ex is not picking up the phone then it is time to let the whole relationship go
.
Don’t resort to another type of communication such as I.
M.
or email him or her.
You should also not ask your ex to do anything that is too official or uncomfortable such as …
• Meet you just before bedtime • Accompany you to a wedding • Accompany you to a family dinner • Go with you to a company party
76
• Go with you to a movie or the theater where you have to sit beside each other in silence
These events are better to attend together once you are a couple again
.
This is because you are locked into being with each other for a few hours with the above type of occasions and there is no escape if not all goes well.
If you are trying to fix up a relationship you need to take it easy
.
Plan a short and simple activity like meeting for a cup of coffee or a drink.
Lunch is not a bad idea.
Do something that gives the two of a chance to talk
.
Something short and simple is best
.
Something what seems casual, gives you time to talk, and won’t last very long.
This is what you’re shooting for.
You are most likely to get a yes for your date if you have planned it all carefully before you make the call
.
If You Get a No…
If you get a no then you need to make light of it
.
Just laugh a little and say “It’s only coffee.
” Or “It’s only lunch.
”Half the time your ex will relent
.
The other half of the time your ex could say no.
If this happens you should resist making things worse by … • Begging
• Getting angry • Crying
• Accusing him or her of cheating on you • Launching into an old argument
77
Just gracefully get out of it by accepting the no
.
Wish your ex well and end the conversation.
This also leaves the door open for future communication.
If you do not get a call from your ex, it is time to end the relationship
.
Take care of yourself and continue to date.
Don’t keep begging your ex to see you.
This will make them want to spend time with you even less.
Nobody wants to be smothered by a needy person
.
Accept your fate and move on in life.
You will live and you will love again and furthermore you have given it your best try.
Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date.
Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you.
This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you.
Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person
.
It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over.
And again you will live – and you will love again.
Hopefully what you want will happen as planned and you are able to simply arrange a time for your date
.
Preparing for the Date
You might be feeling quite satisfied about the date happening but don’t stop short now
.
There are still things you need to do to prepare for your date.
First of all make sure that you are relaxed
.
If you are unable to relax your feelings of neediness may return.
Again you want to keep yourself focused on enjoying yourself.
Fun should be the focus of the date not working out all of our problems
.
The more pressure you put on your ex while you are on this date the less likely it will work out as he or she will feel stressed out by your emotional pressure.
78
Put Your Best Foot Forward
You need to show up on this date looking well and happy
.
That means putting your best foot forward.
Keep a smile on your face and a gleam in your eye.
Make sure that you mentally prepare yourself to keep things positive during the date as well.
During the Date
When you are actually on the date there are some bad strategies you should avoid, and you might think are a good idea at the time but are actually very lousy ideas
.
When you see your ex in person, focus on being happy, relaxed and confident
.
Don’t fall into the trap of chasing her or trying to prove yourself because your attempts will be seen as needy and fueled by an agenda.
Here are some definite no - no’s on that first date
.
• You should avoid upsetting your ex in any way• Avoid spending more than the allotted hour to two hours that you originally planned for the lunch or get together
• Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship • Expressing on how hurt and distressed you are
• Acting desperate
• Trying to seduce your ex
• Attempting to make your ex jealous
The more you try to force things the more likely it is that you will bring up bad feelings and sabotage the reunion you want
.
79
And while you don’t want your positivity to come off as contrived by over exaggerating how perfect your life is, you still need to talk about yourself in a favorable light
.
Remember, everything is great: your job, your friends, and your life – everything!Keep It Light
While you are with your ex just try to relax and have a good time
.
You are not going to spend that much time together so just relax during the time you have.
Try to choose an activity that you both enjoy doing and avoid talking about the relationship very much at first.
Just try and adopt the behaviors that made you fall in love in the first place.
If you do talk about anything in your history make sure that it is a good memory and not about a fight or anything to do with a break up
.
No matter how much you are enjoying yourself you must not give in to your desire to draw the whole thing out
.
Leave when you promised yourself you would as this will make your ex respect you and want you more.
If you don’t think you can do this, it helps to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely have to leave.
One thing you can do is use strategic complements
.
Compliments will show your appreciation for your ex’s valuable traits and make him or her feel desired.
You must not give in to your desire to talk about your issues or anything bad from the past
.
The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be to have the reconciliation that you want.
80
This is a simple and powerful psychological tactic that will trick your ex’s subconscious into believing that the two of you are back together again
.
While you are eating or drinking …slowly reach over to them and do the“imaginary food crumb” wipe, like they have something on their face
.
This works extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of “lovingrelationship” do that for each other
.
Even chimps do this
.
It is a form of loving grooming that sends an unmistakable message that the two of you are bonded.
You are signaling to their subconscious mind that you are still in a relationship.
A similar move is called the “tie straightener”
.
You can simply lean over and straighten the person’s tie.
You might also try removing imaginary lint or hair on the person’s shirt or an eyelash from his or her cheek.
Lean over and smile gently at your lover while you do this.
Make sure you make eye contact.
You can also gage how well your get together is going
.
If they jump out of their skin or pull away then you know that it is not going that great.
On the other hand if they smile and thank you then that is positive.
A word of warning before practicing this – do wait a little bit of time to see how your get together is going before you attempt any contact
.
Wait until it seems natural or you could freak out your partner.
Avoid Coercion!
Coercion is a form of persuasion that makes people feel forced into something
.
It is the evil form of simply wooing someone into doing what you want.
Coercion is the emotional equivalent of getting people to do your bidding at gunpoint
.
This is when you use blame, guilt, or shame, to get your ex back.
81
The trouble with this is that it works
.
Your ex might agree to see you again simply because guilt has kicked in.
However this does not work in the long term because it kills the spark of
attraction
.
There is simply no point in doing the “you owe me” routine.
Your goal after a break up should be to get the person you love back, not turn them into a whole new person who absolutely hates your guts.
Think of a time when you felt forced into making a decision that you were reluctant to make
.
How did you feel about the situation?More importantly, how did you feel about the person who was using a manipulation strategy? Is this the way you want your ex to feel about you?
Avoid Arguments
You must avoid arguments
.
This is especially important given the fact that arguments frequently happen when two exes come back into contact with each other.
The problem is that while you were split up both of you spent a lot of time making a case against each other just like in a court room, only in this case there is no judge or jury
.
Just two people debating each other endlessly until they get depressed, jaded, and turned off each other! You want to avoid this.
You need to forget about dumping any of your emotional baggage on your ex and even if your ex starts bringing up all of the crap from the past you need to be silent
.
If you feel this is too much to ask, then you need to reevaluate your priorities.
Do you want peace and quiet or do you want your ex back.
Control, tolerance, and patience are keys here
.
You need to stay calm and relaxed no matter what she throws at you because reacting to anything your ex says will only create more problems.
82
Restore Your Attainability
During this date you need to let your ex know that you are still attainable
.
You must never crush any hopes of getting back together.
This can cause your ex to reject the idea before you can do any rejecting and walk away from the whole thing.
Even if you haven’t decided whether or not you want to have your ex back, you should still do whatever it takes to make her or him want you back
.
You will have plenty of time to make up your mind later on, but you won’t have much of a decision to make if your ex wants nothing to do with you
.
Speaking of attainability, don’t be surprised if an obvious issue comes up
.
After all you just completely ignored your ex for three to four weeks straight.
Somebody is going to want you to answer to this behavior.
The question is “what should you do if your ex continually presses for an explanation as to why you avoided him or her for all this time?
Very simply, explain that you weren’t ready to communication because you were feeling very emotional, and you knew that any confrontation would turn into a war
.
You were sick of you both being dragged down by your disagreements.
Tell your ex that the last thing you wanted to do was fight so you distanced yourself until you could get your emotions in check