(including special considerations for those in a magical environment)
FIRSTLY,WISE PARENTS SHOULD MAKE SURE THEY'VE READ ANY BOOKS
of folktales that might be around.Those stories weren't just made up,you know. They are there for your protection. Learn from history. Calling a girl Beauty or Rose Red or Shining Eyes is just asking for trouble. Don't go boasting to any kings about how beautiful she is. Incident'ly,if when she grows up she turns out to be able to spin flax into gold,my advice is tokeep very quiet about it. A good move is to buy an old gold mine and then let on that you've struck lucky. A little forethought is all it needs. However,it is okay to let your daughter be a milkmaid and sing
sweetly where any kings can hear,and encouraging her not to complain about the fit of any shoes she might be asked to put on
by men in powdered wigs may stand her in good stead in later life. Trust me on this one.
If youare a king your daughter will be beautiful. People have tried all kinds of aids to beauty,like washing in the morning dew, shoving yoghurt on their faces,etc,but for my money the best way to be beautiful is to have a dad with a lot of money and a bunch of armed men. It's just amazin'
how people will spontaneously see what a beautiful princess
you are in those circumstances. There's a lot of little kings along the Ramtops,and they're
always sayin' to me,'Mrs Ogg, how do you stand on golden balls?' And,you know,this is a tricky one. You justknow what's going to happen if you give
a princess a golden ball. She'll lose it down the nearest well,and then a talkin' frog will turn up,and the next thing you know is you've got a son-in-law who . . . well, yes, he's a handsome prince,and I'll grant you that these are not to be sneezed at,but frankly you wouldn't want to see his family turn up at the wedding and anyway if they did they'd probably be in a jar.
I gen'rally cut through the whole thing by pointing out that gold is a very stupid thing to make a ball out of. They never bounce no matter how hard you throw them.
Boys is easier,and if you have sons it's worth trying for three. That sets the third one up nicely to marry any spare princesses that are around when he's grown up. If he can get a job as a swineherd,so much the better. It'd only be temp'ry. As Esmerelda Weatherwax always says,the stories are out there and it's
up to you to leap on 'em as they go past (however,you can't bet on it. F'r'instance,when my boys was young I was always sending 'em off to take cows to market,and usually by the time they got back I'd always got a seed bed dug for any magical seeds they might have accepted,but all they ever brought home was a big handful of money. I must have slipped up somewhere).
Presents for the new baby need some thought. What Mum wants is a big bag of nappies,someone to do the washing and a nice long holiday somewhere far away from her husband. What she'd probably have to settle for is a bunch of flowers and in posher households a silver teething ring for the baby. Of course, it's helpful to her if you remember to give something to the other children in the family,who might be put out and gen'rally whining about the new member,so what I give them is a thick ear unless they promise to shut up rightnow.
On the subject of presents,in these rural areas where natural magic is still pretty strong,I ort to mention the treatment of any
witches or godmothers in the area.
What everyone hopes for,certainly,is a few of the nicer sort of witch or even a genuine godmother who'll be free with the Health,Wealth and Happiness business, but it is vit'ly important not to leave out any of the touchier witches that might live in the vicinity,otherwise someone'll screech 'Ahhahaha!' in the middle of the ceremony and the next thing you know is you'll be up to your neck in poisoned spinnin' wheels. After all,how hard is it to invite her along,give her plenty to drink and a plate of ham rolls all to herself and keep her out of the way of your posh auntie? Play your cards right and you could be ahead by one extra good wish. She may be a bit whiffy on the nose,but it's better than waking up a hundred years later and findin' trees have grown up through the floor. A bit of forethought is all it takes.
Courtship
IT MAY COMEas a surprise that anyone needs any instructions about this,but evenI was oncea rather shy girl who had difficulty meeting young men. But it wore off by mid-morning whenI realized whatI was doing wrong.
The hardest part is striking upa conversation, but it is easy if you take your time and look for the right opportunity. My first husband was very good at this. We met because he was doing some digging for my dad, sweating away with his shirt off, andI wouldn't be givin' away any secrets ifI saidI found plenty of opportunity
to nip up to the log pile (which in these parts we always put right by the privy, so as to kill two birds with one stone). It wasa hot day, butI don't reckon we ever had sucha good fire going. Anyway,he looked up at meas I went up there for the tenth time and quickas a flash,Ishall always remember, he said, 'Got the runs 'ave yer?'
There you have it- just the right comment at the right time. Also, it made me laugh so muchI droppeda log on my foot and he had to help me indoors. After that, one thing led to another andhe 's called Jason.
Inever see the lad with his shirt off ona hot day without thinking of his dad. Of course, we've all passeda
lot of water since then.