T H E E X P E R I M E N T S O F L E O N F E S T I N C E R
Leon Festinger was bom May 8, 1919, to parents of Russian descent. He studied psychology at City College of NewYork, and then pursued a graduate degree at the University of Iowa, where he was mentored by the well-known German psychologist Kurt Lewin. Eventually Lewin and Festinger moved to MIT, and in 1957, Festinger published his best-known work, A T h e o r y of Cognitive Dissonance, in which he writes, "The psychological opposition of irreconcilable ideas (cognitions) held simultaneously by one individual, created a motivating force that would lead, under proper conditions, to the adjustment of one's belief to fit one's behavior—instead of changing one's behavior to fit one's belief
(the sequence conventionally assumed)."
Festinger was a rigorous researcher and experimentalist. In order to test his theory of "irreconcilable ideas," better known now as "cognitive dissonance," he constructed a series of small, strategically complex, and surprising experiments that were the first of their kind to illuminate the rationalizing machinations of the human mind.
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e r n a m e was M a r i o n K e e c h . H i s n a m e was D r . A r m s t r o n g . T h e y lived i n L a k e C i t y , M i n n e a p o l i s , a c o l d w i n d y p l a c e w h e r e t h e w i n t e r s w e r e all w h i t e , w h e r e s n o w fell f r o m s m e a r e d c l o u d s , e a c h flake like a little m e s s a g e , a d e s i g n to be d e c o d e d .A n d i n this vast l a n d s c a p e M a r i o n K e e c h , a n o r d i n a r y h o u s e w i f e , r e c e i v e d o n e day a l e t t e r f r o m a b e i n g n a m e d S a n a n d a . I t c a m e n o t i n a n e n v e l o p e , b u t i n a h i g h - d e n s i t y v i b r a t i o n that c a u s e d h e r h a n d t o shiver across t h e n o t e b o o k page, a n d t h e w o r d s said this: " T h e u p r i s - i n g o f t h e A t l a n t i c b o t t o m will s u b m e r g e t h e l a n d o f t h e A t l a n t i c s e a b o a r d ; F r a n c e will s i n k . . . . R u s s i a will b e c o m e o n e g r e a t sea . . . a great w a v e rushes i n t o t h e R o c k y M o u n t a i n s . . . for t h e p u r p o s e o f p u r i f y i n g i t o f t h e e a r t h l i n g s , a n d c r e a t i n g t h e n e w order." T h e m e s - sages, after that, c a m e t o M a r i o n K e e c h fast a n d f u r i o u s . T h e y w a r n e d o f a n i m p e n d i n g f l o o d , o n m i d n i g h t , D e c e m b e r 2 1 . B u t all w h o b e l i e v e d i n a g o d n a m e d S a n a n d a w o u l d b e saved. M a r i o n K e e c h b e l i e v e d . D r . A r m s t r o n g , a p h y s i c i a n w h o h e l d a p r e s t i g i o u s post a t a n e a r b y c o l l e g e , a n d w h o m e t M r s . K e e c h a t a f l y - i n g s a u c e r c l u b , also c a m e t o b e l i e v e . S o did B e r t h a a n d D o n a n d A n d r e w a n d q u i t e a f e w o t h e r s . T h e y b e c a m e a c u l t a n d m a d e t h e i r p r e p a r a t i o n s . I t was N o v e m b e r a n d n i g h t s fell fast, darkness s l a m m i n g d o w n , as t a c t i l e as tar. T h e g r o u p p u t o u t a single press release to a n e w s a g e n c y , b u t o t h e r than that t h e y s h u n n e d publicity, for o n l y a f e w w e r e c h o s e n b y S a n a n d a , a n d t o spread p a n i c s e e m e d c r u e l . N e v e r t h e l e s s , w o r d g o t o u t , a n d m i d w e s t e r n e r s f r o m I d a h o t o I o w a w e r e c u r i o u s , b e m u s e d . L e o n F e s t i n g e r , a t h i r t y - o n e - y e a r - o l d p s y - c h o l o g i s t a t t h e n e a r b y U n i v e r s i t y o f M i n n e s o t a , h e a r d a b o u t t h e c u l t a n d d e c i d e d t o infiltrate it. W h a t w o u l d h a p p e n , h e w o n d e r e d , w h e n m i d n i g h t o n D e c e m b e r 2 1 c a m e a r o u n d a n d n o s p a c e s h i p l a n d e d , n o rains c a m e ? W o u l d t h e g r o u p l o s e faith? H o w d o h u m a n b e i n g s r e a c t , F e s t i n g e r w a n t e d t o k n o w , w h e n p r o p h e c y fails? F e s t i n g e r o r g a n i z e d a few c o h o r t s t o g o u n d e r c o v e r , p o s i n g a s b e l i e v e r s a n d g a i n i n g e n t r y i n t o t h e c u l t . T h e y o b s e r v e d t h e m e m - b e r s ' i n t e n s e p r e p a r a t i o n for t h e s o l s t i c e e v e n t . K i t t y , a c u l t m e m b e r ,
q u i t h e r j o b , sold h e r h o m e , a n d left w i t h h e r infant d a u g h t e r t o take u p r e s i d e n c e w i t h M r s . K e e c h . D r . A r m s t r o n g , t o o , was s o c o n v i n c e d o f t h e i m m i n e n t f l o o d that h e j e o p a r d i z e d his j o b a s a d o c t o r b y p r e a c h i n g i n t h e e x a m i n i n g r o o m , a n d s o was s u m m a r i l y fired, left h i g h a n d d r y w i t h a s i m p l e s t e t h o s c o p e a n d a reflex h a m m e r — i t didn't m a t t e r . W o r l d l y g o o d s , p r e s t i g i o u s titles, t h e y w e r e i r r e l e v a n t t o t h e savior S a n a n d a , a n d t o t h e n e w p l a n e t w h e r e t h e s e p e o p l e w e r e g o i n g , far, far f r o m h e r e , invisible in t h e sky e x c e p t for an o c c a s i o n a l flash o f l i g h t , l i k e a r e d r e n t o p e n i n g u p a n d t h e n s u c k e d b a c k i n t o b l a c k n e s s . O n t h e e v e o f t h e actual f l o o d , b e l i e v e r s a n d t h e i n c o g n i t o researchers g a t h e r e d i n M a r i o n K e e c h ' s l i v i n g r o o m for i n s t r u c t i o n s , w h i c h c a m e i n t h e f o r m o f a u t o m a t i c w r i t i n g s a n d p h o n e calls from s p a c e m e n p o s i n g a s p e o p l e p l a y i n g p r a c t i c a l j o k e s , b u t w h o really h a d c o d e d m e s s a g e s t o deliver. F o r i n s t a n c e , o n e c a l l e r said, " H e y , there's a f l o o d i n m y b a t h r o o m , w a n n a c o m e o v e r a n d c e l e b r a t e ? " a n d this was so o b v i o u s l y a s e c r e t signal f r o m Sananda's special assistant that t h e g r o u p e x p r e s s e d d e l i g h t . A m e s s a g e c a m e i n t h e f o r m o f a m y s t e r i o u s p i e c e o f tin f o u n d i n t h e w e a v e o f t h e l i v i n g r o o m r u g . T h e tin was a w a r n i n g that g r o u p m e m b e r s m u s t r e m o v e all m e t a l f r o m t h e i r c l o t h i n g b e f o r e e n t e r i n g t h e spaceship, w h i c h w o u l d p a r k a t t h e street c u r b i n j u s t t e n m o r e m i n u t e s ! Frantically, t h e w o m e n b e g a n t e a r i n g t h e eyelets a n d clasps f r o m t h e i r brassieres; t h e m e n p l u c k e d o u t b u t t o n s ; o n e o f t h e r e s e a r c h e r s , w h o h a d a m e t a l z i p p e r i n his pants, was hastily r e m o v e d t o a b e d r o o m , w h e r e D r . A r m s t r o n g , i n a surge o f p a n i c , b r e a t h i n g heavily a n d e y e i n g t h e c l o c k , c u t o u t t h e c r o t c h s o t h e r e was a g r e a t gash w h e r e t h e m i d w e s t e r n w i n d s e e p e d t h r o u g h .
I t was 1 1 : 5 0 P . M . t h e n , ten m i n u t e s t o t o u c h d o w n . P e o p l e h a d quit j o b s , sold h o m e s , alienated family m e m b e r s — t h e y w e r e heavily
invested. T h e t w o c l o c k s i n M r s . K e e c h ' s h o u s e c l i c k e d loudly, first a s o u n d as steady as a h e a r t and t h e n a s o u n d m o r e a n d m o r e o m i n o u s as m i d n i g h t c a m e , a n d w e n t . C l i c k c l i c k w e n t t h e c l o c k , t h e tsking o f a t o n g u e , n o t a drop falling from t h e frozen sky, t h e land outside as
p a r c h e d as C a n a a n , as d e n s e in its darkness. S o m e cult m e m b e r s , visibly s h o c k e d , w e p t i n t o t h e i r hands. O t h e r s j u s t lay o n c o u c h e s , staring b l a n k l y i n t o t h e e m p t y air. Still o t h e r s p e e r e d b e t w e e n t h e curtains a t t h e great spotlights s w e e p i n g t h e yard, spotlights n o t from a spaceship, as t h e y had so h o p e d , b u t from n e w s stations, c o m e to have s o m e fun.
P R I O R T O T H E G r e a t E v e n t , t h e c u l t m e m b e r s h a d e s c h e w e d a l m o s t all publicity, save for a s i n g l e w a r n i n g in a press release, this despite t h e fact that n e w s o f t h e c o m i n g c a t a s t r o p h e h a d spread across t h e M i d w e s t a n d m e m b e r s r e c e i v e d m a n y r e q u e s t s t o speak o n c a m e r a . N o w , h o w e v e r , a s t h e n i g h t w o r e o n a n d t h e sky stayed dry, F e s t i n g e r o b s e r v e d a strange t h i n g starting t o h a p p e n . T h e c u l t m e m b e r s swept o p e n t h e c u r t a i n s t o t h e c a m e r a c r e w s . T h e y i n v i t e d t h e m i n , g a l - lantly, m a n i c a l l y , o f f e r i n g t h e m tea a n d c o o k i e s . M a r i o n K e e c h , sitting i n t h e l i v i n g r o o m chair, r e c e i v e d a n u r g e n t m e s s a g e f r o m a h i g h - d e n s i t y b e i n g that said, o n c e s h e h a d s c r i b b l e d i t o u t , t o c o n t a c t a s m a n y m e d i a stations a s p o s s i b l e a n d r e p o r t that t h e f l o o d did n o t c o m e b e c a u s e " t h e little g r o u p sitting all n i g h t l o n g h a d spread s o m u c h l i g h t that g o d saved t h e w o r l d f r o m d e s t r u c t i o n . " M r s . K e e c h called A B C , C B S , a n d t h e New York Times, a n d this was a c o m p l e t e a b o u t - f a c e ; n o w , s h e w a n t e d to talk. A r o u n d 4 A . M . a n e w s m a n p h o n e d . H e h a d p h o n e d j u s t a f e w days e a r l i e r a n d asked, w i t h m u c h sarcasm, i f M r s . K e e c h w o u l d l i k e t o c o m e o n his s h o w a n d c e l e b r a t e a n e n d - o f - t h e - w o r l d party, t o w h i c h she had r e s p o n d e d b y s l a m m i n g d o w n t h e r e c e i v e r , h e a t e d , furious. N o w , w h e n h e c a l l e d b a c k t o bait h e r o v e r t h e failure o f t h e p r o p h e c y , s h e said, " C o m e r i g h t o u t ! T h i s m i n u t e ! " C u l t m e m b e r s p h o n e d Life, Time, a n d Newsweek, a n d in t h e e n s u i n g days gave d o z e n s o f i n t e r v i e w s t o r e p o r t e r s , all i n a n a t t e m p t t o c o n v i n c e t h e p u b l i c that t h e i r a c t i o n s a n d beliefs w e r e n o t i n vain. T h e y g r e e t e d n e w s o f a D e c e m b e r 2 1 e a r t h q u a k e i n Italy w i t h j o y a n d d a n c i n g . " T h e earth's skin [is] slipping."
D i s s o n a n c e . A m i l l i o n r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n s , fault lines in t h e e a r t h , in t h e b r a i n , a n d all sorts o f ways t o s e w t h e m up. W e c a n o n l y i m a g i n e
Festinger's fun, and also his s o r r o w , as he saw t h e w a y p e o p l e leap to lies, o v e r l o o k , sift t h r o u g h , s o r t o u t , t a m p d o w n . T o F e s t i n g e r , t h e d r a m a t i c i n c r e a s e i n p u b l i c p r o s e l y t i z i n g f o l l o w i n g s u c h a n o b v i o u s failure was c o m p l e t e l y c o u n t e r i n t u i t i v e a n d b e c a m e t h e basis for a t h e o r y a n d a set o f e x p e r i m e n t s h e d e s i g n e d t o test t h e t h e o r y : c o g - nitive d i s s o n a n c e . W h a t F e s t i n g e r f o u n d , i n his infiltration o f t h e c u l t and i n his readings o f t h e history, was that i t i s p r e c i s e l y w h e n a b e l i e f i s d i s c o n f i r m e d that r e l i g i o u s g r o u p s b e g i n t o p r o s e l y t i z e , a s o r t o f desperate d e f e n s e m e c h a n i s m . T h e d i s j u n c t i o n b e t w e e n w h a t o n e b e l i e v e s a n d t h e factual e v i d e n c e i s h i g h l y u n c o m f o r t a b l e , like s c r a t c h i n g o n slate. S o o t h i n g c a n c o m e o n l y i f m o r e a n d m o r e p e o p l e sign o n t o t h e spaceship, s o t o speak, b e c a u s e i f w e are all f l y i n g this t h i n g t o g e t h e r , t h e n surely w e m u s t b e r i g h t .
I T S E E M S F I T T I N G that a m a n l i k e F e s t i n g e r w o u l d d i s c o v e r c o g n i - tive d i s s o n a n c e . F e s t i n g e r had a g r u m p y m a n n e r , a n d d a n d r u f f o n his lapels, and w h e r e v e r h e w e n t , h e g r a t e d .
E l l i o t A r o n s o n was o n e o f F e s t i n g e r ' s g r a d u a t e students w a y b a c k i n t h e 1 9 5 0 s , w h e n b e h a v i o r i s m still d o m i n a t e d t h e day. " F e s t i n g e r was an u g l y little m a n , " says A r o n s o n , " a n d m o s t students w e r e so afraid o f h i m t h e y w o u l d n ' t take his s e m i n a r s . B u t h e had a c e r t a i n w a r m t h a b o u t h i m . H e was also t h e o n l y g e n i u s I have e v e r m e t . T h a t ' s it. I w o n ' t say m o r e . "
A f t e r t h e c u l t study, F e s t i n g e r a n d his c o l l e a g u e s set o u t t o e x p l o r e c o g n i t i v e d i s s o n a n c e i n all its d i m e n s i o n s . I n o n e e x p e r i m e n t , t h e y paid s o m e p e o p l e t w e n t y dollars t o lie a n d o t h e r p e o p l e o n l y o n e dollar t o lie. W h a t t h e y f o u n d i s that t h o s e w h o had l i e d for o n e d o l - lar w e r e far m o r e l i k e l y t o c l a i m , after t h e fact, that t h e y really b e l i e v e d t h e l i e , than t h o s e w h o ' d e a r n e d t h e t w e n t y dollars. W h y w o u l d that b e ? F e s t i n g e r h y p o t h e s i z e d that i t i s m u c h h a r d e r t o j u s - tify l y i n g for a dollar; y o u are a g o o d , s m a r t p e r s o n , after all, and g o o d , s m a r t p e o p l e d o n ' t do b a d t h i n g s for no real reason. T h e r e f o r e , b e c a u s e y o u c a n ' t take b a c k t h e lie, and y o u ' v e already p o c k e t e d t h e
m e a s l y m o n e y , y o u b r i n g y o u r beliefs i n t o a l i g n m e n t w i t h y o u r a c t i o n s , s o a s t o r e d u c e t h e d i s s o n a n c e b e t w e e n y o u r s e l f - c o n c e p t a n d y o u r q u e s t i o n a b l e b e h a v i o r . H o w e v e r , t h o s e folks w h o w e r e paid t w e n t y dollars t o lie, t h e y didn't c h a n g e t h e i r beliefs; i n effect, t h e y said, " Y e a h , I l i e d , I didn't b e l i e v e a w o r d of w h a t I said, b u t I g o t paid w e l l . " T h e t w e n t y - d o l l a r s u b j e c t s e x p e r i e n c e d less d i s s o n a n c e ; t h e y c o u l d find a c o m p e l l i n g j u s t i f i c a t i o n for t h e i r fibs, and that j u s t i f i c a - t i o n had d o u b l e digits a n d a crisp snap.
D i s s o n a n c e t h e o r y t o o k A m e r i c a n p s y c h o l o g y b y s t o r m . " B y s t o r m , " says A r o n s o n . " I t was T H E T H I N G . I t was s o elegant. I t offered such e l e g a n t e x p l a n a t i o n s for s u c h m y s t e r i o u s b e h a v i o r . " D i s s o n a n c e t h e o r y e x p l a i n e d , for instance, t h e l o n g baffling fact that d u r i n g t h e K o r e a n War, t h e C h i n e s e had b e e n e e r i l y efficient a t g e t t i n g A m e r i c a n P O W s t o espouse c o m m u n i s m . T h e C h i n e s e did this, n o t t h r o u g h t o r - ture o r t h r o u g h b i g gilded b r i b e s , b u t m e r e l y b y offering t h e p r i s o n e r s a b i t o f r i c e o r candies for w r i t i n g a n a n t i - A m e r i c a n essay. S u b s e q u e n t t o w r i t i n g t h e essay and g e t t i n g t h e prize, m a n y soldiers c a m e t o c o n - vert t o c o m m u n i s m . T h i s i s odd, especially b e c a u s e w e t e n d t o b e l i e v e b r a i n w a s h i n g i s a c c o m p l i s h e d t h r o u g h a series o f f i e r c e s c r u b b i n g s w i t h caustic soap, o r piles o f g l i t t e r i n g prizes. B u t d i s s o n a n c e t h e o r y predicts that t h e more paltry the reward for e n g a g i n g in b e h a v i o r that is i n c o n s i s t e n t w i t h one's beliefs, t h e m o r e likely t h e p e r s o n is to c h a n g e his o r h e r beliefs. I t m a k e s a k i n d o f c r o o k e d sense. I f y o u sell y o u r s e l f for a p i e c e o f candy, o r a single cigarette, o r a scatter o f r i c e , y o u had b e t t e r c o m e u p w i t h s o m e c o n v i n c i n g reason w h y y o u did this, lest y o u feel y o u are, j u s t simply, a s c h m u c k . If y o u can't take b a c k t h e essay, o r t h e lie, t h e n y o u c h a n g e y o u r beliefs s o t h e y n o l o n g e r scrape and scratch and y o u are saved from s c h m u c k d e m . T h e C h i n e s e w e r e m a s - ters at intuitively u n d e r s t a n d i n g c o g n i t i v e d i s s o n a n c e ; t h e y h e l d tiny trinkets i n t h e i r palms and, f r o m t h e force o f these, g o t g r o w n m e n t o o p e n and c h a n g e t h e i r v e r y m o l d a b l e m i n d s .
F e s t i n g e r a n d his s t u d e n t s d i s c o v e r e d several different f o r m s o f d i s s o n a n c e . W h a t h e o b s e r v e d i n t h e c u l t , h e c a l l e d t h e B e l i e f / D i s c o n f i r m a t i o n P a r a d i g m . W h a t h e o b s e r v e d w i t h t h e l y i n g for
m o n e y , h e called t h e I n s u f f i c i e n t R e w a r d s P a r a d i g m . A n o t h e r type, t h e I n d u c e d C o m p l i a n c e P a r a d i g m , i s b e s t illustrated b y a n e x p e r i - m e n t i n w h i c h c o l l e g e f r e s h m a n , a t t e m p t i n g t o g e t i n t o a fraternity, w e n t t h r o u g h severe o r m i l d h a z i n g rites. T h o s e w h o w e n t t h r o u g h t h e severe h a z i n g rites c l a i m e d m u c h m o r e a l l e g i a n c e t o t h e g r o u p than t h o s e w h o h a d n ' t . W i t h t h e s e s i m p l e e x p e r i m e n t s , F e s t i n g e r t u r n e d all o f p s y c h o l o g y o n its h e a d . H e t u r n e d S k i n n e r hard o n his h e a d . A f t e r all, S k i n n e r had said rewards r e i n f o r c e a n d p u n i s h m e n t e x t i n g u i s h e s , b u t this little m a n L e o n , this s h e d d i n g sloppy scholar, had, w i t h a f e w swift strokes, s h o w n b e h a v i o r i s m was w r o n g . W r o n g ! W e are d r i v e n b y p u n i s h m e n t a n d paltriness; a t t h e c e n t e r o f t h e h u m a n u n i v e r s e sits n o t a b i g c h u n k o f c h e e s e b u t a t i n y scrap o f s o m e t h i n g , a n d t h e r e are n o p i g e o n s , n o rats, n o b o x e s . T h e r e are o n l y h u m a n b e i n g s m o t i v a t e d b y m i n d s that m u s t b e m a d e c o m f o r t - able. S k i n n e r t o o k m e n t a l i s m r i g h t o u t o f t h e p i c t u r e , l e a v i n g u s w i t h j u s t o u r m e c h a n i s t i c c o n d i t i o n e d responses, a n d t h e n a l o n g c a m e
L e o n , cranky, a c e r b i c L e o n , a n d h e h a n d e d u s b a c k o u r c o m p l e x brains, and he said, in effect, human behavior cannot be explained by reward theory alone. Human beings THINK. They engage in the most amazing mental gymnastics, all just to justify their hypocrisy.
F e s t i n g e r did n o t have a h a p p y v i e w o f h u m a n nature. H e s m o k e d t w o p a c k s o f u n f i l t e r e d C a m e l s a day a n d d i e d o f liver c a n c e r a t age s i x t y - n i n e . It is no surprise that Festinger's tastes ran to t h e e x i s t e n - tialists: S a r t r e w i t h his h o l l o w e d u n i v e r s e ; C a m u s , w h o b e l i e v e d m a n spends his e n t i r e life t r y i n g t o c o n v i n c e h i m s e l f that h e i s n o t absurd. M a n , t h o u g h t F e s t i n g e r , was n o t a rational b e i n g , b u t a r a t i o n a l i z i n g b e i n g . H e lived w i t h his s e c o n d wife, T r u d y , i n a village a p a r t m e n t , w h e r e , I i m a g i n e , his c i g a r e t t e g l i t t e r e d o r a n g e i n t h e l o w light, w h e r e b o o k s l i n e d t h e study walls, w h e r e a s i n g l e m e z u z a h was p i n n e d to t h e d o o r frame, a t i n y silver scroll, inside, s o m e story.
I K N O W A story. It's o n e F e s t i n g e r w o u l d p r o b a b l y like. N o t far from
i n g e p i t o m e o f r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n . H e r n a m e i s L i n d a S a n t o . F i f t e e n years a g o , h e r t h r e e - y e a r - o l d d a u g h t e r , Audrey, fell i n t o t h e f a m i l y s w i m - m i n g p o o l a n d was d i s c o v e r e d f l o a t i n g f a c e d o w n , i n t h e d e e p e n d . S h e was r e s c u e d a n d resuscitated, b u t h e r b r a i n h a d b e e n b l o t t e d o u t , j u s t a f e w e l e c t r i c a l squiggles a t t h e base, w h e r e t h e h e a r t b e a t i s c o n -
trolled, w h e r e t h e sweat glands s e n d t h e i r signals, that sort o f t h i n g . T h e b a s e .
F i f t e e n years a g o L i n d a S a n t o — a b o u t w h o m I have read m a n y articles a n d w h o has a p p e a r e d m a n y t i m e s o n l o c a l t e l e v i s i o n a s half- h e r o , h a l f - o d d i t y — f i f t e e n years a g o she b r o u g h t h e r b a b y A u d r e y h o m e , h o o k e d u p t o life s u p p o r t , a t r a c h e o t o m y h o l e d r i l l e d i n h e r t h r o a t , a n d s h e b a t h e d t h e c h i l d a n d t u r n e d h e r t e n t i m e s a day s o h e r skin stayed rosy a n d n o t a single b e d s o r e p u c k e r e d , a n d she p r o p p e d h e r girl's h e a d o n w h i t e satin p i l l o w s , s h a p e d l i k e hearts, a n d s h e s u r - r o u n d e d h e r girl w i t h r e l i g i o u s relics, b e c a u s e Linda's C a t h o l i c faith h a d always b e e n s t r o n g . A u d r e y lay i n b e d w h i l e o n a l e d g e a b o v e h e r , J e s u s h e l d his h e a r t a n d M a r y l o o k e d o n i n a n a t t i t u d e o f e c s t a s y — t i n y statues, h u g e statues, s t i g m a t a o n p o r c e l a i n p a l m s , t h e b l o o d b e e t - r e d a n d d r i e d .
A f e w m o n t h s after t h e a c c i d e n t , a c c o r d i n g t o v a r i o u s n e w s p a p e r articles, h e r h u s b a n d left her. N o w s h e h a d n o m o n e y . S h e h a d t h r e e o t h e r c h i l d r e n . T h e r e l i g i o u s relics a r o u n d A u d r e y ' s b e d s i d e b e g a n t o m o v e . T h e y w o u l d , o f t h e i r o w n a c c o r d , t u r n a n d f a c e t h e t a b e r n a c l e . R e a l b l o o d o o z e d o u t o f C h r i s t ' s c r a c k e d w o u n d s . S t r a n g e oils b e g a n t o t r a c k t h e faces o f t h e saints. A n d A u d r e y herself, w e l l , h e r eyes o p e n e d a n d t i c k e d b a c k a n d f o r t h , b a c k a n d f o r t h , a n d e v e r y L e n t she s c r e a m e d i n p a i n , a n d t h e n fell i n t o a d e e p , d e e p sleep, o n E a s t e r . P e o p l e b e g a n t o c o m e t o Audrey, p e o p l e w i t h m u l t i p l e sclerosis a n d b r a i n t u m o r s a n d h e a r t disease a n d d e p r e s s i o n . T h e y b e g a n t o c o m e a n d t a k e h o m e w i t h t h e m s o m e o f t h e m i r a c u l o u s h o l y oils d r i p p i n g f r o m t h e relics. I n t h e S a n t o h o u s e h o l d , m i r a c l e s o c c u r r e d fast, o n e after t h e o t h e r , a s t h e ill p i l g r i m s k n e e l i n g b y t h e girl's b e d - side w e n t f r o m b l i n d e d n e s s t o sight, a s A u d r e y h e r s e l f b e g a n t o b l e e d f r o m e v e r y o r i f i c e a s t h o u g h s h e w e r e suffering t h e sins o f t h e w h o l e
w o r l d . L i n d a c l a i m s that s h e was n o t mystified. S h e k n e w h e r d a u g h - t e r was a saint, that G o d h a d c h o s e n A u d r e y t o b e a v i c t i m soul, t o take o n t h e pains o f o t h e r p e o p l e s o that t h e y c o u l d b e h e a l e d . L i n d a h a d s e e n i t w i t h h e r o w n eyes. F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e date o f Audrey's d r o w n i n g was A u g u s t 9 , a t 1 1 : 0 2 i n t h e m o r n i n g , a n d o n l y f o r t y years b e f o r e that, o n A u g u s t 9 , a t 1 1 : 0 2 i n t h e m o r n i n g , t h e U n i t e d States h a d d r o p p e d t h e b o m b o n N a g a s a k i . O n e i n c i d e n t , a c c o r d i n g t o L i n d a , h a d s h a m e d all o f h u m a n k i n d ; n o w this i n c i d e n t was t o r e d e e m it. T h e S a n t o s t o r y i s classic F e s t i n g e r , t h e w a y t h e m o t h e r ' s m i n d twists t o t u r n a t e r r i b l e t r a g e d y i n t o s o m e t h i n g o f salvage, c o n s o - n a n c e a c h i e v e d t h r o u g h a series o f rapid r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n s . H o w , I w o n d e r , w o u l d a p e r s o n w h o s o e m b o d i e s Festinger's t h e o r y actually r e a c t t o its e x p l i c a t i o n ? L I N D A ' S V O I C E O N t h e p h o n e i s h o a r s e a n d slow; s o m e t h i n g i n its s o u n d surprises m e . I ' m a w r i t e r , I tell her. I've s e e n h e r o n T V . I ' m e x p l o r i n g b e l i e f a n d faith a n d a m a n n a m e d F e s t i n g e r —
" W h a t i s i t y o u w a n t t o k n o w ? " L i n d a asks. P e r h a p s w h a t I h e a r i s simply c e l e b r i t y fatigue. O n e m o r e i n t e r v i e w i n t h e t h o u s a n d s she's g i v e n , b u t s h e ' l l d o i t again i f s h e has t o — f o r Audrey, t o spread t h e w o r d .
" I f y o u ' r e a j o u r n a l i s t w h o w a n t s t o c o m e p h o t o g r a p h m y girl, I can tell y o u r i g h t n o w , y o u have t o ask t h e c h u r c h — "
" N o , " I say. " I w a n t t o k n o w i f y o u k n o w o f a m a n n a m e d Festinger, a n d his e x p e r i m e n t s . . . "
"Festinger," she says, c a c k l i n g , a n d t h e n she doesn't say a n y t h i n g else. " T h e r e was o n c e this g r o u p , " I say, " a n d t h e y b e l i e v e d a savior w o u l d c o m e for t h e m o n D e c e m b e r 2 1 , a n d F e s t i n g e r , a p s y c h o l o - gist, s t u d i e d w h a t h a p p e n e d w h e n D e c e m b e r 2 1 c a m e a r o u n d a n d they w e r e n ' t saved."
T h e r e ' s a l o n g pause o n t h e p h o n e . W h a t I ' m d o i n g s e e m s s u d - denly c r u e l . When they weren't saved. In t h e b a c k g r o u n d I c a n h e a r
m y s t e r i o u s s o u n d s , a k n o c k i n g , t h e s c r e e c h o f a c r o w flying s k y w a r d . " F e s t i n g e r , " L i n d a says. " I s that a J e w i s h n a m e ? "
" A b s o l u t e l y , " I say.
" J e w i s h p e o p l e ask g o o d q u e s t i o n s , " s h e says. " A n d C a t h o l i c s ? " I say.
" W e c a n q u e s t i o n . F a i t h i n o u r G o d , " L i n d a says. " I t isn't always a b s o l u t e . E v e n i f y o u have a d i r e c t e m a i l t o J e s u s , t h e l i n e g o e s d o w n s o m e t i m e . " S h e stops s p e a k i n g ; I c a n h e a r s o m e t h i n g c l o t t e d i n h e r v o i c e .
" F o r y o u ? " I say. " H a s t h e l i n e g o n e d o w n ? "
" I have breast c a n c e r , " L i n d a c o n t i n u e s . " I ' v e h a d i t for t h e last seven years. I j u s t f o u n d o u t I ' m i n m y fifth r e c u r r e n c e , a n d I'll tell y o u , t o d a y I ' m tired."
I lift m y h a n d t o m y o w n c h e s t , w h i c h has its o w n c h i s e l e d spots f r o m m u l t i p l e b i o p s i e s , t h e cells b e n e a t h t h e skin s q u i r m i n g r e c k - lessly.
" C a n Audrey, w o u l d y o u ask h e r t o h e a l — "
L i n d a i n t e r r u p t s m e . " Y o u w a n t t o k n o w t h e t r u t h ? " s h e says, h e r v o i c e sharp. " D o y o u a n d F e s t i n g e r w a n t t o k n o w w h a t ' s w h a t ? O n a b a d day, a day l i k e today, I d o u b t w h e t h e r suffering has m e a n i n g . W r i t e that d o w n , " she says.
W H A T F E S T I N G E R W R O T E : t h e s e e k i n g o f c o n s o n a n c e is a " d r i v e s t a t e . " W e s p e n d o u r lives p a y i n g a t t e n t i o n o n l y t o i n f o r m a t i o n that i s c o n s o n a n t w i t h o u r b e l i e f s , w e s u r r o u n d o u r s e l v e s w i t h p e o p l e w h o will s u p p o r t o u r b e l i e f s , a n d w e i g n o r e c o n t r a d i c t o r y i n f o r m a t i o n that m i g h t c a u s e u s t o q u e s t i o n w h a t w e have b u i l t . A n d y e t , L i n d a S a n t o p o i n t s t o t h e f l a w s i n this t h e o r y , a n d t h e e x p e r i m e n t s d e s i g n e d t o test it. S o m e w h e r e , n o t far f r o m m e , r i g h t this m i n u t e , sits a w o m a n i n s e m i d a r k n e s s , a n d s h e c a n c l i n g t o n o t h - i n g . H e r c a n c e r , a n d h e r d a u g h t e r ' s failure t o h e a l it, are d i s s o n a n t w i t h h e r p r e v a i l i n g p a r a d i g m , b u t i n s t e a d o f s e e k i n g c o n s o n a n c e t h r o u g h r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n , a s F e s t i n g e r , a n d I , p r e d i c t e d , L i n d a s e e m s t o
b e i n s o m e s u s p e n d e d p l a c e , w h e r e beliefs b r e a k u p a n d f o r m n e w p a t t e r n s w e c a n n o t y e t q u i t e see. W h o k n o w s w h a t n e w shapes o f faith m i g h t e m e r g e f r o m Linda's w i l l i n g n e s s t o w i t h h o l d r a t i o n a l i z a - t i o n for real r e v i s i o n ? F e s t i n g e r n e v e r e x p l o r e d this p h e n o m e n o n — h o w d i s s o n a n c e leads t o d o u b t a n d d o u b t leads t o light. N o r d o e s h e e x p l o r e w h y s o m e p e o p l e c h o o s e r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n a s a strategy, a n d o t h e r s c h o o s e r e v i s i o n . I t h i n k a b o u t L i n d a . I t h i n k a b o u t o t h e r s . W h a t a l l o w e d Isaac N e w t o n t o e x c h a n g e t h e p a l m o f g o d for gravity, o r C o l u m b u s t o c o m e away w i t h a c u r v e d r i m l e s s w o r l d ? T h r o u g h - o u t all o f h i s t o r y t h e r e have b e e n e x a m p l e s o f p e o p l e w h o , i n s t e a d o f c l a p p i n g t h e i r hands o v e r t h e i r ears, p u s h e d i n t o d i s s o n a n c e , w i l l i n g t o h e a r w h a t m i g h t e m e r g e . F e s t i n g e r , actually, i s o n e o f t h o s e p e o p l e . His ideas a n d e x p e r i m e n t s w e r e h i g h l y d i s s o n a n t w i t h t h e S k i n n e r i a n w i s d o m o f his day. A n d h e p u r s u e d it. W h y ?
" D i s s o n a n c e , " says E l l i o t A r o n s o n , l e a d i n g d i s s o n a n c e r e s e a r c h e r and P r o f e s s o r E m e r i t u s a t U n i v e r s i t y o f C a l i f o r n i a , S a n t a C r u z , " d i s - s o n a n c e i s really n o t a b o u t l o o k i n g a t h o w p e o p l e c h a n g e . T h e t h e - o r y j u s t didn't c o n c e r n i t s e l f w i t h that." " D o n ' t y o u t h i n k that's a s h o r t c o m i n g t o t h e t h e o r y ? " I ask. " U n d e r s t a n d i n g w h y s o m e p e o p l e resolve d i s s o n a n c e creatively, w h i l e o t h e r s d u c k a n d c o v e r , c o u l d i l l u m i n a t e a l o t . " A r o n s o n pauses. " I n J o n e s t o w n , " h e says, " n i n e h u n d r e d p e o p l e killed t h e m s e l v e s as a w a y of r e s o l v i n g d i s s o n a n c e . A f e w p e o p l e didn't kill t h e m s e l v e s , that's t r u e , b u t n i n e h u n d r e d did a n d that's r e m a r k a b l e . T h a t ' s w h a t t h e t h e o r y f o c u s e s o n , t h e vast, vast m a j o r i t y w h o h a n g o n t o t h e i r beliefs e v e n u n t i l death."
I am n o t a g r e a t p s y c h o l o g i s t , l i k e L e o n , b u t after t a l k i n g to L i n d a , I have an o p i n i o n , a n d it is this: D i s s o n a n c e t h e o r y falls a little s h o r t b e c a u s e i t a c c o u n t s o n l y for t h e w a y w e reify narratives, a n d n o t for the w a y we revise t h e m . In d o i n g so, d i s s o n a n c e is p r e s e n t e d as a u n i - d i m e n s i o n a l state, a k i n d o f senseless c l a n g i n g , w h e n , i n fact, t h e s o u n d o f s o m e t h i n g o u t o f t u n e c a n also s h a r p e n o u r ears a n d s e e d n e w songs.
p e o p l e w h o r e s p o n d t o d i s s o n a n c e b y c r e a t i n g n e w p a r a d i g m s t o i n c o r p o r a t e n e w i n f o r m a t i o n , t h e t h e o r y misses a n i m p o r t a n t a s p e c t o f t h e h u m a n e x p e r i e n c e ? " W h y , I ask A r o n s o n , d o e s h e t h i n k s o m e p e o p l e r a t i o n a l i z e , w h i l e o t h e r s m o r e d e e p l y revise? A n d m o r e i m p o r t a n t l y , h o w d o t h o s e p e o p l e i n t h e m i d s t o f a m a j o r p a r a d i g m shift deal w i t h t h e l o n g days, w e e k s , m o n t h s o f g r a t i n g , a n d w h a t c a n t h e i r a b i l i t y t o t o l e r a t e s u c h s o u n d s a n d s e n s a t i o n s t e a c h u s a b o u t h o w w e m i g h t d o t h e s a m e , i n s e a r c h o f a w i d e r life? " H a s a n y o n e s t u d i e d t h e s e types o f p e o p l e ? " I ask.
" T h a t ' s h u m a n g r o w t h stuff," A r o n s o n says t o m e . " I w o u l d s p e c u - late that t h e types o f p e o p l e w h o r e s p o n d t o d i s s o n a n c e w i t h h o n e s t i n t r o s p e c t i o n w o u l d have h i g h , w e l l - g r o u n d e d s e l f - e s t e e m , o r t h e y m i g h t also have really l o w s e l f - e s t e e m , s o t h e y ' v e g o t n o t h i n g t o l o s e by saying, ' G e e z , I guess e v e r y t h i n g I i n v e s t e d in really d o e s n ' t m a k e m u c h sense; I ' m really a j e r k . ' "
" B u t have y o u actually d o n e any e x p e r i m e n t s w h e r e y o u ' v e l o o k e d a t w h o t h e s e p e o p l e are, a n d h o w t h e y e x p e r i e n c e t h e d i s s o - n a n c e ? D o y o u have any d a t a ? "
" W e d o n ' t have any data," A r o n s o n says, " b e c a u s e w e d o n ' t have p e o p l e . P e o p l e l i k e y o u ' r e t a l k i n g a b o u t are f e w a n d far b e t w e e n . "
I G O T O visit L i n d a . W o r c e s t e r , M a s s a c h u s e t t s , i s a b o u t a n h o u r from m y h o m e . A n o l d s o o t y m i l l city, i t h o u s e s h o l l o w e d - o u t f a c t o r i e s a n d d e c r e p i t stores. I f L i n d a w e r e t o revise h e r narrative o f t h e saint d a u g h t e r , o f t h e suffering i n all its s u p r e m e sense, w h a t w o u l d she have left? W h a t n e w narrative c o u l d p o s s i b l y b r i n g c o m f o r t i n h e r s i t u a t i o n ? I've b e e n a s k i n g h o w d i s s o n a n c e leads o n e d e e p e r , b u t d e p t h i s d a n g e r o u s ; it's w h e r e t h e o c t o p i live, w h e r e t h e sharp shark t e e t h are b u r i e d .
T h e S a n t o h o m e i s o n a c h e e r y side street. T h e m o d e s t r a n c h h o u s e i s p a i n t e d t h e c o l o r o f flesh, e a c h w i n d o w s p o r t i n g a pair o f plastic s h u t t e r s . I r i n g t h e d o o r b e l l , w h i c h c h i m e s m e r r i l y i n s i d e t h e
h o u s e , a n d t h e n a v o i c e calls o u t , " M e e t m e n e x t d o o r , i n t h e c h a p e l . " I assume that was Linda's v o i c e . F o r a m o m e n t I press my ear to t h e d o o r and h e a r guttural b r e a t h i n g sounds, t h e c l a n g i n g o f a b e d p a n — Audrey. S h e i s e i g h t e e n now. S h e bleeds m o n t h l y . H e r m o t h e r i s dying.
I find t h e c h a p e l in t h e g a r a g e . It is d a m p a n d e v e r y w h e r e I l o o k are statues d r i p p i n g o i l w i t h t i n y D i x i e c u p s t i e d t o t h e i r c h i n s t o c a t c h t h e royal r u n o f f . A w o m a n c o m e s i n w i t h strangely u n f o c u s e d eyes, i n h e r hands a c o n t a i n e r l o a d e d w i t h c o t t o n balls. " M y n a m e ' s R u b y , " she says, " I v o l u n t e e r h e r e . " S h e presses t h e c o t t o n balls t o t h e w e t saints a n d t h e n drops e a c h swab i n t o a Z i p l o c k b a g . " P e o p l e o r d e r t h e s e , " s h e says. " I t ' s h o l y o i l . I t c a n c u r e j u s t a b o u t a n y t h i n g . "
I w a n t t o ask R u b y h o w s h e justifies t h e startling fact that t h e h o l y o i l c a n n o t c u r e its k e e p e r , L i n d a , m o t h e r o f t h e saint, b u t I d o n ' t . I w a t c h R u b y w a l k a r o u n d t h e c h a p e l d a b b i n g u p o i l w i t h swabs o f c o t t o n and t h e n I s a y — I j u s t c a n n o t h e l p m y s e l f — " H o w d o y o u k n o w s o m e o n e d o e s n ' t c o m e o u t h e r e a t n i g h t a n d p u t o i l o n these statues w h e n y o u c a n ' t s e e ? " S h e spins t o l o o k a t m e . " L i k e w h o ? " she says. I s h r u g .
" I ' v e s e e n i t myself," s h e says. " I was s t a n d i n g b y Audrey's b e d t h e o t h e r day a n d o n e o f t h e r e l i g i o u s relics j u s t started g u s h i n g o i l , hem- orrhaging o i l , so I k n o w . "
T h e d o o r t o t h e c h a p e l o p e n s , a w e d g e o f b r i g h t a f t e r n o o n s u n - light i n t h e d i m d a m p space, a n d i n steps L i n d a . H e r h a i r i s b r i t t l e , purposefully c u r l e d , a n d s h e w e a r s large h o o p e a r r i n g s set against a pale l i n e d f a c e .
" T h a n k y o u for a g r e e i n g t o see m e , " I say. " T h a n k y o u for a g r e e - ing t o discuss y o u r faith w i t h m e i n this difficult s i t u a t i o n . "
L i n d a shrugs. S h e sits, o n e l e g s w i n g i n g b a c k and f o r t h , like a c h i l d . " M y faith," she says, " m y faith started w h e n I was i n u t e r o . I f I didn't have my faith, I'd be a t u r n i p in a p a d d e d c e l l r i g h t n o w . "
" I t m e a n s , " s h e says, " i t m e a n s I have t o t u r n t h i n g s o v e r t o G o d , w h i c h i s hard, b e c a u s e I ' m s h o r t a n d s o are y o u — w e ' r e b o t h N a p o l e o n i c t y p e s — s o it's hard." S h e c a c k l e s , this L i n d a .
I study h e r f a c e . T h e r e is, t o b e sure, g l i t t e r i n h e r eyes, b u t b e h i n d t h e glitter, a flat p o o l o f fear.
" W e l l , " I say, " y o u t o l d m e o v e r t h e p h o n e that m a y b e y o u w e r e starting t o q u e s t i o n y o u r faith, q u e s t i o n y o u r u n d e r s t a n d i n g that y o u r d a u g h t e r i s a saint, that s o r t o f t h i n g . . . " I trail off.
L i n d a raises h e r e y e b r o w s , e a c h o n e t w e e z e d i n t o a p e r f e c t p e a k . " I didn't p u t it q u i t e l i k e that," she says.
" Y o u t o l d m e y o u w e r e h a v i n g s o m e d o u b t s , a n d I w a n t e d t o talk a b o u t h o w y o u — " " T h o s e w e r e i n c o n s e q u e n t i a l . Essentially, I have n o d o u b t s . " S h e s o u n d s angry. " O h , " I say. " L i s t e n , " she says. " I k n o w w h o I a m a n d I k n o w w h o m y d a u g h - t e r is. A u d r e y , s h e has a d i r e c t e m a i l l i n e t o G o d . A u d r e y g o e s t o G o d w i t h requests f r o m s i c k p e o p l e , a n d G o d takes away t h e s i c k n e s s . It's n o t A u d r e y w h o takes away t h e s i c k n e s s , " L i n d a says. " I t ' s G o d , b u t A u d r e y has his fax n u m b e r , i f y o u s e e w h a t I m e a n . "
I n o d .
" L e t m e tell y o u , " L i n d a c o n t i n u e s . " O n c e w e h a d a c h e m o p a t i e n t c o m e t o see A u d r e y . A f e w days l a t e r A u d r e y d e v e l o p e d a n i n t e n s e r e d rash, l i k e s h e was o n fire. W h e r e c o u l d this rash have c o m e f r o m ? W e c a l l e d a d e r m a t o l o g i s t t o t h e h o u s e . H e was J e w i s h , b u t a v e r y n i c e m a n . A n d he says, ' T h i s is a rash that a c h e m o p a t i e n t gets,' a n d w h e n w e c o n t a c t e d t h e c h e m o p a t i e n t , h e r rash was g o n e . Y o u s e e , " says L i n d a , " A u d r e y t o o k t h e patient's painful rash, that's w h a t m y d a u g h t e r d o e s . "
L i n d a g o e s o n t o tell m e a n o t h e r story, a b o u t a w o m a n w i t h o v a r - ian c a n c e r w h o , after v i s i t i n g A u d r e y , h a d a s o n o g r a m that s h o w e d a s h a d o w y a n g e l o n h e r o v a r i e s a n d all t h e c a n c e r g o n e . I d o n ' t b e l i e v e t h e s e t h i n g s . L i n d a g o e s o v e r to t h e t a b e r n a c l e , lifts up a c o v e r e d cup, a n d s h o w s m e w h a t ' s inside. O i l , a n d floating w i t h i n t h e o i l , a b e a d o f
b l o o d . " W e ' v e had this oil analyzed," s h e says, " b y o v e r t h i r t y different c h e m i s t s . A n d it's o f n o v a r i e t y k n o w n t o m a n k i n d . "
" W h y , " I say softly, " t h e n why, L i n d a , c a n ' t t h e o i l or Audrey's i n t e r c e s s i o n s t o G o d , w h y c a n ' t t h e y heal y o u ? "
L i n d a is q u i e t . S h e is q u i e t f o r a l o n g t i m e . I see h e r eyes m o v e b a c k i n t o h e r h e a d , i n t o s o m e v e r y p r i v a t e p l a c e I c a n n o t g e t to. I d o n ' t k n o w w h e r e s h e is, i f s h e has d i e d a small d e a t h , i f s h e i s sitting i n senselessness, i f she's m a k i n g n e w s e n s e — t h e w e a v i n g w h e e l s are t u r n i n g a n d t u r n i n g . S h e l o o k s u p a t t h e c e i l i n g . R u b y , w h o i s still i n t h e c h a p e l , l o o k s u p a t t h e c e i l i n g t o o . T h e n a t l o n g last L i n d a says, "It's spread t o t h e b o n e . "
" T h e r e g o e s J e s u s , " R u b y says, a n d p o i n t s t o a r e l i c i n front o f us, a n d sure e n o u g h , I s e e it: J e s u s i s w e e p i n g g r e a s e , t w o t i n y d r o p s sliding d o w n his f i g u r i n e d f a c e , c o l l e c t i n g i n t h e c r e a s e s o f his n e c k .
I stare at this p h e n o m e n o n . I have my o w n little fit of c o g n i t i v e d i s s o n a n c e r i g h t t h e r e : ( 1 ) I d o n o t b e l i e v e i n t h e C a t h o l i c faith o r its r a t h e r c h e e s y - l o o k i n g m i r a c l e s , b u t ( 2 ) that statue i s o o z i n g , a l t h o u g h o f c o u r s e i t c o u l d b e b u t t e r s o m e o n e p u t o n i t that's n o w m e l t i n g , b u t h o w a m I t o k n o w f o r s u r e ? I o b s e r v e m y o w n m i n d , t o s e e i f i t leaps t o c o g n i t i v e c l o s u r e . B u t t e r . B u t t e r . B u t t e r . A c c o r d i n g t o Festinger's t h e o r y , I w i l l r e d u c e this d i s s o n a n c e by e x p l a n a t i o n . B u t I d o n ' t really have a n e x p l a n a t i o n . It's p r o b a b l y b u t t e r . B u t i t m i g h t n o t b e b u t t e r . W h o ' s t o say h o w g o d appears, i n w h a t signs, w h a t s y m - bols? W h o ' s t o say for sure? W e t h r e e stand i n t h e c h a p e l w a t c h i n g Jesus cry. F r o m inside t h e h o u s e I c a n h e a r t h e m o a n o f a b r a i n - d e a d girl, a n u r s e s h u s h i n g , a n d I i m a g i n e Linda's h o r r o r , fifteen years a g o , s e e i n g h e r t h r e e - y e a r - o l d drifting i n t h e d e e p e n d . I d o n ' t k n o w i f there's a reason t h e s e t h i n g s h a p p e n , o r i f t h e r e are saints w h o c a n see i n t o h e a v e n , o r i f pain has a d i v i n e p u r p o s e . I d o n ' t k n o w w h y t h e statue w e e p s , w h y t h e b e a d o f b l o o d i s i n t h e c h a l i c e . I c a m e h e r e l o o k i n g for Linda's w i l l i n g n e s s t o t o l e r a t e d i s s o n a n c e , b u t w h a t I have found, i n s o m e v e r y small sense, i s m y o w n , for m y m i n d r i g h t n o w i s o p e n , a n d all I c a n do is ask.
" I t ' s i n m y b o n e s , " L i n d a repeats, " a n d I d o n ' t k n o w h o w l o n g I have left."
" Y o u ' r e h e r m o t h e r , " I say t h e n . " Y o u ' v e t a k e n c a r e o f h e r f o r e i g h t e e n years. S h e has h e a l e d t h o u s a n d s u p o n t h o u s a n d s o f p e o p l e . S h e s h o u l d h e a l y o u . "
L i n d a s m i l e s wanly. " L a u r e n , " s h e says, " A u d r e y hasn't h e a l e d m e b e c a u s e I've n e v e r asked h e r t o . A n d I n e v e r w o u l d . S h e m i g h t b e a saint, b u t she's also m y girl, m y baby. I w o u l d n e v e r ask her, o r a l l o w h e r , t o t a k e o n m y pain. A m o t h e r d o e s n ' t ask that o f a c h i l d . A m o t h e r d o e s n ' t g i v e suffering. S h e takes i t away."
T H E W O M E N L E A V E . L i n d a tells m e she w i l l b e g o i n g t o S l o a n - K e t t e r i n g C a n c e r C e n t e r s o o n . I sit for a little w h i l e l o n g e r i n t h e c h a p e l , b y m y s e l f . Clearly, w h a t e v e r d o u b t s L i n d a e x p r e s s e d o n t h e p h o n e w e r e s o f l e e t i n g s h e c a n b a r e l y a c k n o w l e d g e t h e m . N o w , I w a n t t o pray. B u t n o prayers c o m e . " A m o t h e r d o e s n ' t r e q u e s t that o f h e r c h i l d , " L i n d a said, " A m o t h e r d o e s n ' t g i v e suffering. S h e takes i t away." T h i s m i g h t b e a r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n , a w a y f o r L i n d a t o a v o i d h e r daughter's failing h e r b y s i m p l y n e v e r a s k i n g h e r , a n d thus t h e s t o r y stays i n t a c t . B u t it's m o r e t h a n that. It's also a n a c t o f d e e p c a r i n g . F r o m i n s i d e t h e h o u s e I h e a r L i n d a n o w , c r o o n i n g t o h e r d a u g h t e r , a n d s o m e o n e g u r g l e s i n r e t u r n , a n d f o r a l m o s t t w o d e c a d e s n o w , she's d o n e this, day i n , day o u t , m i n i s t e r e d . D i d F e s t i n g e r e v e r c o n s i d e r h o w o u r j u s t i f i c a t i o n s are t o save n o t o n l y o u r s e l v e s , b u t o t h e r s t o o ? D i d h e e v e r c o n s i d e r h o w lies a n d l o v e are i n t e r t w i n e d ? I L E A V E L I N D A . T h e day i s e x t r a v a g a n t , b a c k w a r d , s u m m e r i n w i n - ter, b u r i e d b u l b s s p e a r i n g u p w a r d t h r o u g h t h e g r o u n d , f l a u n t i n g t h e i r p u r p l e flags. W h e n I was i n g r a d u a t e s c h o o l s t u d y i n g p s y c h o l o g y , I o n c e w o r k e d o n t h e n e u r o l o g i c a l u n i t o f a large h o s p i t a l . T h e r e w e r e a f e w p e o p l e t h e r e like Audrey, c u r l e d i n t o c o m a s , t h e i r l i m b s s t i f f a n d c o l d .
S o m e t i m e s I'd stand o v e r t h e s e p e o p l e — a b o y I p a r t i c u l a r l y r e m e m - b e r — a n d I'd say t h e a l p h a b e t , w o n d e r i n g i f t h e letters w o u l d w e n d t h e i r w a y in, i f t h e r e are parts o f u s d e e p u n d e r g r o u n d that n e v e r t h e - less still stay awake, w a t c h i n g t h e w o r l d w h i l e b u r i e d .
It was in g r a d u a t e s c h o o l that I first l e a r n e d s o m e scientists are actually s t u d y i n g t h e n e u r a l basis o f d i s s o n a n c e t h e o r y . V . S . R a m a c h a n d r a n , o n e o f t h e m o s t w e l l - k n o w n n e u r o l o g i s t s o f this c e n t u r y , is i n v e s t i g a t i n g t h e n e u r a l substrates r e s p o n s i b l e for denial and r e v i s i o n . H e c l a i m s w e have a n e u r o n a l "devil's a d v o c a t e " d e v i c e l o c a t e d s o m e w h e r e i n o u r left l o b e . T h e devil's a d v o c a t e signals a l i t - tle n e u r o t r a n s m i t t e r a l a r m w h e n i t d e t e c t s j a b s a t o u r sealed b e l i e f systems, a n d that's w h a t allows u s t o e v e n e x p e r i e n c e d i s s o n a n c e . I n o u r r i g h t l o b e , h o w e v e r , w e have a S c h e h e r a z a d e o f synapse a n d c e l l , a gleeful a n d powerful c o n f a b u l a t o r that often o v e r r i d e s its h o r n e d o p p o n e n t .
" B u t n o t all brains," says M a t t h e w L i e b e r m a n , assistant professor o f p s y c h o l o g y a n d social p s y c h o l o g y a t t h e U n i v e r s i t y o f California, Los A n g e l e s , " n o t all brains e n g a g e in rationalizations, in such intense single- t h e m e d s t o r y t e l l i n g . " L i e b e r m a n has r e p e a t e d F e s t i n g e r ' s l y i n g - f o r - o n e - d o l l a r - v e r s u s - l y i n g - f o r - t w e n t y - d o l l a r s e x p e r i m e n t w i t h E a s t Asians, " a n d E a s t Asians e n g a g e in far f e w e r r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n s than A m e r i c a n s do." L i e b e r m a n i s p r e t t y sure that t h e E a s t Asian b r a i n , b a s e d o n years a n d years o f Z e n p r a c t i c e , o r s i m p l y b e c a u s e i t has m a t u r e d i n a c u l t u r e that c a n t o l e r a t e p a r a d o x ( w h a t i s t h e s o u n d o f o n e h a n d c l a p p i n g ? ) , has a different " n e u r a l s i g n a t u r e " t h a n t h e A m e r i c a n b r a i n . "It's n o t that E a s t Asian p e o p l e d o n ' t e x p e r i e n c e dis- s o n a n c e , " L i e b e r m a n says, " b u t t h e y have less o f a n e e d t o r e d u c e it, p r o b a b l y b e c a u s e t h e structures that s e e k l i n e a r t h o u g h t p a t t e r n s have b e e n r e w i r e d t h r o u g h spiritual e x e r c i s e . " L i e b e r m a n w o n d e r s i f t h e a n t e r i o r c i n g u l a t e gyrus serves a s t h e h u m a n " a n o m a l y d e t e c t o r , " o r "devil's a d v o c a t e , " a n d if, in E a s t Asian p e o p l e , that b r a i n part has f e w e r pathways t o t h e prefrontal c o r t e x , w h e r e w e m a k e o u r g a m e - plans. " I f this i s t h e case," says L i e b e r m a n , " t h e n E a s t Asians e x p e r i - e n c e t h e s a m e a m o u n t o f c o g n i t i v e d i s s o n a n c e that w e do, b u t t h e y
feel less c o m p e l l e d t o a c t o n it." I n o t h e r w o r d s , E a s t Asians m a y b e b e t t e r a b l e t o sit w i t h it, h o l d i n t h e i r c u p p e d hands a t h i n g that m a k e s n o s e n s e — a c a r p w i t h o u t w a t e r , a tree w i t h o u t r o o t s , a b e a u t i - ful b r a i n - d e a d girl. I A M W O R R I E D a b o u t t h e w e a t h e r . I t i s D e c e m b e r 3 , a n d t h e t e m - p e r a t u r e i s s i x t y - t w o d e g r e e s . T h e s k y l o o k s m e l t e d , t h e single rose b l o o m i n g i n o u r g a r d e n i s a p o c a l y p t i c . M y h u s b a n d c a r r i e s m y d a u g h t e r o u t s i d e , his feet s i n k i n g i n t o t h e d a m p l o a m y l a w n , a n d t h e y p i c k t h e rose, b r e a k i n g i t o f f a n d b r i n g i n g i t t o m e . F e s t i n g e r c l a i m e d that, ironically, w o r r y c o u l d b e a w a y o f r e d u c i n g c o g n i t i v e d i s s o - n a n c e . Y o u feel afraid for n o g o o d r e a s o n , s o y o u c r e a t e a r e a s o n , a n d t h e r e b y j u s t i f y y o u r w o r r y H o w c a n o n e tell t h e d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n t h e j u s t a n d t h e j u s t i f i c a t i o n s ? P e r h a p s i f I w e r e E a s t A s i a n , I w o u l d n ' t e v e n try. B u t t h e fact o f t h e m a t t e r is, t h e p l a n e t appears t o b e w a r m - ing. It is early D e c e m b e r , a n d t h e w i n d smells like rot, a n d I find a b e e t l e o n t h e g r o u n d , its j o i n t e d h o o k e d l i m b s w a v i n g i n t h e w a r m air, a c l e a r p o o l o f o o z e f l o w i n g f r o m its s e g m e n t e d belly.
L i n d a has g o n e t o t h e S l o a n - K e t t e r i n g C a n c e r C e n t e r and i s b a c k h o m e b y n o w . S i n c e m y visit w i t h h e r a w e e k ago, I've t h o u g h t a l o t a b o u t h e r — o r perhaps I s h o u l d say, my a n t e r i o r c i n g u l a t e gyrus has t h o u g h t a l o t a b o u t her. I've d o n e s o m e sleuthing, a n d t h e r e are serious m e d i c a l e x p e r t s w h o c l a i m A u d r e y is, i n d e e d , a rarity. T h e J e w i s h d e r - m a t o l o g i s t s a i d , " I c a n n o t e x p l a i n h e r skin c o n d i t i o n i n any way e x c e p t to say it was c a u s e d by c h e m o t h e r a p y , a c h e m o t h e r a p y t h e m o t h e r says she n e v e r had." Audrey's p e d i a t r i c i a n says, "I d o n ' t k n o w . I have s e e n crosses o n h e r palms, crosses o f b l o o d , w h a t y o u c o u l d call stigmata, b u t t h e y are u n d e r a layer of skin, so t h e y c o u l d n ' t have b e e n c u t t h e r e . I d o n ' t k n o w . M e d i c i n e wants t o p u t r o u n d things i n t o r o u n d h o l e s , b u t in Audrey's case, it's a square t h i n g a n d it d o e s n ' t fit."
C u r r e n t l y , a c c o r d i n g t o L i n d a , t h e C a t h o l i c C h u r c h i s f o r m a l l y i n v e s t i g a t i n g A u d r e y for possible s a i n t h o o d . " O h , I h o p e s h e m a k e s saint," R u b y says t o m e , l i k e it's a c h e e r l e a d i n g squad. T h e last t i m e
t h e C a t h o l i c C h u r c h c o n s i d e r e d n a m i n g s o m e o n e a saint was i n 1 9 8 3 , w h e n a w o m a n prayed o v e r a t h r e e - y e a r - o l d girl w h o h a d s w a l l o w e d a b o t t l e o f T y l e n o l . T h e c h i l d r e c o v e r e d , d e s p i t e h e r b e i n g o n t h e d o o r s t e p o f d e a t h .
I call L i n d a S a n t o . S h e has h a d h e r breast o p e r a t i o n b y n o w a n d s h o u l d b e r e c o v e r i n g . H e r v o i c e s o u n d s w e a k , w a v e r i n g . " S t a g e four," she tells m e , " t h e y c u t o u t m y breast a n d f o u n d i t e v e r y w h e r e , e v e r y - w h e r e . " I p i c t u r e it, t h e c a n c e r , e e l - b l a c k , b e e t l e - b l a c k . I p i c t u r e it. T h e y c u t i t o u t . N o w s h e i s h o m e , a n d h o b b l i n g , n u r s i n g h e r s e l f o n t h e o n e h a n d a n d h e r small saint o n t h e o t h e r .
I drive b a c k o u t to see her. It is n e a r i n g t h e solstice; already t h e sun is sliding d o w n t h e sky w h e n I arrive, a n d my s h a d o w is l o n g on t h e g o l d g r o u n d . Fifty years ago, M a r i o n K e e c h and D r . A r m s t r o n g a n d B e r t h a a n d D o n and all t h e rest w a i t e d for S a n a n d a a n d his silver rains, and w h e n t h e y didn't c o m e , t h e y f o u n d a way to e x p l a i n it. Fifteen years ago, A u d r e y S a n t o fell i n t o h e r p o o l , a n d w h e n she n e v e r r e c o v - ered, t h e y f o u n d a w a y t o e x p l a i n it. N o w , a p p r o a c h i n g t h e S a n t o h o m e , I d o n ' t go to t h e front d o o r or t h e c h a p e l d o o r . Instead, I c r e e p a r o u n d t o t h e side a n d p e e r i n o n e o f t h e w i n d o w s , a n d t h e n I see her, A u d r e y herself, lying in a b r i g h t p i n k b e d r o o m , h e r hair, so l o n g and full of shine, massed across t h e satin pillows, falling to t h e floor in a sin- gle b l a c k sheet. H e r eyes are fixed, o p e n . S h e l o o k s radiant, e x c e p t for h e r m o u t h , w h e r e a single string o f d r o o l drops d o w n .
T o tell t h e t r u t h , I d o n ' t k n o w w h y I ' m h e r e . I c a m e t o L i n d a b e c a u s e I w a n t e d t o o b s e r v e s o m e o n e e n t e r i n g d i s s o n a n c e a n d p u t - t i n g t o g e t h e r a n e w p a r a d i g m b e c a u s e o f it, b u t s h e didn't s h o w m e that. S h e c l u n g , instead, t o h e r j u s t i f i c a t i o n s , h e r r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n s , b u t w i t h s o m u c h love! I s i t t h e l o v e I a m d r a w n t o , this m o t h e r a n d d a u g h t e r w o v e n t o g e t h e r b y years o f b r e a t h a n d t o u c h ? O r i s i t that I a m d r a w n b y t h e d i s s o n a n c e I a m e x p e r i e n c i n g , t h e fact that t h e w e i r d t h i n g s h a p p e n i n g h e r e , i n this h o u s e , r a n k l e against m y n o t i o n of h o w t h e w o r l d w o r k s , a n d I w a n t to figure it o u t ? I see a s h a d o w t o m y left a n d I t u r n . I swear i t i s L e o n h i m s e l f i n t h e dusk o f this D e c e m b e r day, s c a m p e r i n g a r o u n d , s c o w l i n g a n d l e p r e c h a u n - l i k e a t
t h e s a m e t i m e . W h a t w o u l d h e say a b o u t t h e S a n t o m i r a c l e s ? H e ' d r e m i n d m e that all o f C h r i s t i a n i t y i s t h e result o f c o g n i t i v e d i s s o - n a n c e a n d its s u b s e q u e n t r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n s . W r i t e s F e s t i n g e r i n When Prophecy Fails, t h e M e s s i a h was n o t s u p p o s e d to "suffer pain," so t h e f o l l o w e r s e x p e r i e n c e d g r e a t distress w h e n t h e y saw h i m c r y i n g o u t o n t h e cross. I t was a t this m o m e n t , F e s t i n g e r s p e c u l a t e s , that f o l l o w - ers q u e l l e d t h e i r d o u b t s b y b e g i n n i n g t o p r o s e l y t i z e .
I t h i n k this is funny, C h r i s t i a n i t y recast as c o g n i t i v e d i s s o n a n c e . I also t h i n k it's a little sad. I t speaks o n l y o f c o n s t r i c t i o n , defensive p e o - ple w i t h b l i n d e r s o n t h e i r eyes. B u t , i n fact, C h r i s t i a n i t y was also a n o p e n i n g , a d o o r w a y that m i l l i o n s u p o n m i l l i o n s s t r e a m e d t h r o u g h .
N o w , I r i n g t h e S a n t o s ' d o o r b e l l a n d t h e n w a i t for L i n d a i n t h e c h a p e l . I t i s dark i n t h e c h a p e l , a n d t h e walls r e e k o f saturated o i l , o f o l d c l o t h e s a n d i n c e n s e . I g o t o t h e c h a l i c e , lift u p t h e c u p , a n d stare d o w n i n t o it, w h e r e t h e o i l w i t h t h e b e a d o f b l o o d sits j u s t a s i t did w e e k s a n d w e e k s b e f o r e . W h o w i l l t a k e c a r e o f A u d r e y i f L i n d a dies? W h e n L i n d a dies? I t o u c h t h e tiny, p o i n t e d face o f a J e s u s a n d m y hands c o m e away glossy a n d w e t . I stare a t m y h a n d s . T h e l i g h t i s really g o i n g n o w , t h e day is so s h o r t , b u t my h a n d is g l o w i n g a n d glossy w i t h this o i l . I lift up my p a n t l e g a n d r u b t h e o i l on a r a z o r n i c k I g o t t h e o t h e r day, w h i l e s h o w e r i n g . M y skin soaks i t u p a n d t h e c u t c l o s e s over, s o t h e r e i s n o m a r k t h e r e a n y m o r e , o r i s i t j u s t t o o dark t o really see? P e r h a p s I a m s e e i n g t h i n g s , b u t t h e n a t u r e o f t h o s e t h i n g s I c a n n o t q u i t e tell. W h o k n o w s , m a y b e G o d m a k e s h i m s e l f k n o w n t h r o u g h a c h e a p plastic r e l i c , in a r a n c h - s t y l e h o u s e . I really, really c a n n o t say for sure. I am b e t w e e n s t o r i e s , p e n d i n g a p a r a d i g m , w i t h o u t j u s t i f i c a t i o n o r r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n , a r i c h and p r o f o u n d p l a c e t o b e . H e r e , for this m o m e n t , h a n g i n g b e t w e e n d i s s o n a n c e a n d c o n s o - n a n c e , I am q u i e t . I am p e a c e f u l . T h i s is w h a t Festinger's e x p e r i m e n t s m i s s e d , w h a t it's like t o live i n t h e gap b e t w e e n c o n s o n a n c e a n d d i s - s o n a n c e , w h e r e n e w t h e o r i e s t a k e shape, n e w beliefs are a b o u t t o b e b o r n , o r s o m e t h i n g m u c h smaller, j u s t a p e r s o n , j u s t m e , w i t h m y hands h e l d o u t , m y b o d y h e l d h i g h , w i d e o p e n — n o e n d i n g .