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I didn’t know what had just actually happened around me –with her, and myself. Everything was so in a mess. Everything was unimaginable.

And it all happened so fast.

That funny stir in my stomach, that feeling of tightening in my chest.. I felt those.

For me, she was the definition of beauty. She was the definition of everlasting youth; Kim Taeyeon was.

If you were to find a lady whose grin was as dorky as an elementary kid, yet had a laugh like a middle-aged woman, my housemate got to be her.

I wouldn’t want to face the mirror if she were beside me –I’d look surprisingly older than her. When actually, she was the older one. Despite the fact that she – most of the time- acted younger than her age, she was still, the older one.

Thus, there was a sense of maturity beyond her beauty, which I admired so much.

Feeling glad whenever she was around, wrapping her slender arms around me softly whilst letting me do the same, was an understatement.

There was a certain feeling beyond a plain happiness.

Words were not really enough to describe it. I felt like it was okay if the world were to come to the doom tomorrow, as long as she held me tight. As long as she would not let me go, I would be able to face it.

Or when she ran her warm palm across my hair, stroking it gently and resting her chin on the top of my head, while faintly whispering that she was there, she was with me, and everything would be all right.. It stopped me from feeling afraid –it killed every worry in me.

Wasn’t really a good thing though, as I found myself being rather dependent to her. But she –as the older one- seemingly didn’t really mind. Her arms were always open for me.

And whenever she pressed her soft lips against my forehead and wished me a sweet dream before turning the light off and closing the door, there was tingling warmth inside -which made a stupid smile unconsciously came across my face.

I..

I felt loved.

Through every dating games and breaking ups, I still happened to find no one. No one was able to fulfill the greedy of love in me, but her.

Even Nichkhun, the one I had been hanging out with like my own brother, he couldn’t.

Shecould.

Losing my mother when I was thirteen and having a father that was in the other continent, I realized that inside, I had always been longing for it.

I had always been longing for love.

She said the word to me, although not in the most romantic way. She didn’t say it while handing a rose, nor even smiling. Come to think about it again, she didn’t even say it –she shouted it at my face, before slamming off the door.

I deserved it. But at the same time, I didn’t.

I knew, she just wanted to do nothing but protect me. She wanted me not to get hurt.

I might have just listened to her and agreed right away, if.. If her boyfriend didn’t show up, I thought I might just obey her words and simply delete Jang Wooyoung from my contact.

We were housemates. I told her every time I’d go out for a date, with whom and where.

But she.. She never told me.

I felt stupid.

I thought I knew everything about her. Eventually, I wasn’t.

How many boyfriends had she had before? And with this one.. When did they start dating? How many dates had they gone together? Did she kiss him? Did they.. Did they do it already?

Somewhere, deep, deep inside, I kept hoping she did not. And would not.

It might sound selfish, I knew it sounded stupid, even so..

I wanted her to love no one but me.

I..

Sigh.

Was it called jealousy? Or was it just a pure egoism of mine?

I had no idea.

She was the only one that could make my question my own heart. She made me hesitate with my own mind.

Kim Taeyeon, what had you done to me?

My eyes followed every move of her lips, while being held by my shoulders. Her eyebrows knitted in worry, her eyes glinted with concern, and I could see it all.

Her voice, and every word she said was nothing but sincerity.

She pleaded, for me to believe in her.

My eyes grew wide. My heart throbbed in pain the moment she fell onto her knees, holding on my hands. She cried.

And it crushed me.

Even if what she had just said was all lies, being fooled by her was a million times better than ignoring her and ending up like how she said.

Jang Wooyoung –I barely even knew him. His name, and his number were all I knew. And he, he was just another suitor of mine. Nothing else.

So accepting his offer was not based in any romantic feelings nor chemistry. He was just an excuse, for avoiding her.

It would be a lie if her confession didn’t make a part of my little heart swell in joy. But I..

I needed time. It was complicated to me.

It would probably better not to confront her and get myself confused with what I felt. At least, for tonight.

But after what I had just heard, cancelling the suppose-to-be-date and deleting Jang Wooyoung from the contact, instantly become the wisest things to do.

So I did.

***

It wasn’t as easy as taking candy from a kid, though.

He -as expected- made a scene. Yelling the words I didn’t really expect to come from a guy that had been leaving gifts in the locker.

The memories of the roses, chocolates, and those stick notes with romantic lines I swore I’d read somewhere in the internet, were all washed away by the foul

languages flowing out of his mouth.

Shewas right. I could’ve got raped.

Shivers rushed all over my skin at the thought.

The security of the lobby approached in a matter of seconds, after his palm landed on my cheek when I repeated how she referred him. She had to hate this guy much –I had never heard her calling people with names.

Despite the burning feeling on my skin, it was evoking a hatred for him to think that he did what he wasn’t supposed to do to her. It angered me to imagine that he had done something inappropriate to her.

Witnessing how pathetic and hopeless that guy when he was being dragged out by the two bulky securities, and how he ended landing on his bum as he got thrown, was one interesting show.

A smirk of victory formed in the corner of my lips as I pressed the lift button.

He totally deserved it.

***

DING.

927.

The room was dark. And dead silence. Just like the last minute I left it.

I put my pink slippers on and was about to switch on the light of the living room when I heard a soft, yet sorrowful sniff and sobs.

Biting my lower lip in guilt, I made my way to her room. I clenched my fists, didn’t care if they were turning white. All I cared about was her.

The door was closed. Yet her sobs still could be heard.

“..Taeyeon-ah?”

As soon as I called her, the sobbing stopped. I knew, she only tried to act strong.

And there was another dead drop silence, which I swore would kill me sooner or later if I didn’t break it.

I opened the door slowly, trying to make less creak than it usually did. And I found her room was pitch dark as well.

Even so, I could still spot her laying on the bed with her back facing me, as the moonlight somehow shone brightly tonight, getting through the window.

It was inaudible, but I bet she still had the tears flowing out as her petite shoulder slightly trembled.

I could feel nothing but guilt. It hurt me badly to see her being weak, and moreover, the reason was me.

I knew, fingers were not enough anymore to count the times I hurt her,

occasionally shouting at her like a bitch I was. I was an ass. And it would be better if she occasionally shouted back at me, or even slapping some sense back into me.

But she never did. She was an angel, and I was the opposite. She never said her mind out, and I did the otherwise.

We were different. I was not the good one, I acknowledged. But yet, she never left me.

If she thought I didn’t aware of her sobbing after the dates I had, she was wrong. I just.. I just did not know what to do. I hadn’t known how I felt.

Okay, probably I had known. I was just.. Unsure.

I had been drowning in my own confusion and hesitation.

But now.. After she finally told me-

I knew it. And I had never been so sure in my life about it.

“Taeyeon-ah,”

I climbed onto her narrow bed, searching for a comfortable spot for myself as I snaked my arms around her waist like I used to do.

I nuzzled my nose on her back, inhaling her sweet, calming scent. Closing my eyes as I did.

“I’m so sorry..”

She didn’t reply, like usual. But I knew she had forgiven me in her silence.

“And I..” I hugged her.

Tighter, pouring all of my feelings in my arms.

I didn’t know how I truly felt, I didn’t know if my feelings could be compared to hers, but I knew that I-

Chapter 12