JUZGADO CUARTO DE LO CIVIL ACUERDOS DEL DIA 23 DE MAYO DE 2022

"If I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always gotten. "

The Courage to Change

Objectives - Lesson 12:

• To understand that all changes cause some discomfort.

• To acknowledge that every thought, word and action is connected to a "payoff."

• To recognize your secondary gains.

• To stop using your anxiety as an excuse for anything.

• To realize that at this time in recovery, some of our "anxious" feelings are really excitement.

• To consciously resolve to take personal responsibility for our own healing.

Some of you might be having a hard time changing some of your negative behavior.

For some reason, you just can't seem to give up some of your ways of thinking and acting, even though you know they're causing some of your anxiety and depression.

If you feel this way, let's take a closer look at some common resistance behaviors people use to avoid change. They're hard to recognize in yourself at first. But as we go through this session, be honest with yourself, some of your own resistance behaviors may be keeping you from moving ahead as quickly as you would like. By recognizing them, you will be able to understand the reason behind the negative behavior.

Change in your life, whether it is good or bad, can be very anxiety producing, especially if you're a person who tends to overreact to things. But the only way to let go of this condition is to make changes.

Most people who suffer from anxiety and depression feel they get nothing but misery from having this condition. It just makes them miserable and possibly keeps them from functioning like a normal person. Believe it or not, most people actually get something out of negative behavior such as anxiety.

Some people, subconsciously, would rather remain agoraphobic than give up what they are getting from being anxious, depressed, physically ill, dependent, unable to socialize, etc.

This sounds hard to believe, but it’s true. Anxiety and depression are great excuses not to grow up, not to be responsible for your own happiness or lack of it and so on.

Please listen to tape number 12 carefully.

It will only help you move that much faster if you understand what you are getting out of this negative behavior.

The pluses that come from regaining your independence and self-confidence far outweigh what you may be getting from maintaining negative behavior.

Common Resistance Behavior 1. Justifying present behavior:

In this resistance pattern, you have a thousand reasons (excuses) for your present behavior. Often, these excuses are weak and are built on a negative foundation.

2. Negative/skeptical attitude about change:

Many people enter the program with this behavior. You may have already decided the program won't work for this or that reason. You may feel the material is too complicated.

Or, you're skeptical about cassette tapes.

This is a self-defeating attitude. You start out by saying it won't work, so you won't be disappointed if it doesn't. This is resistance to change. Unless you try to become more open-minded and try to let go of this thought, you will have a hard time letting go of this condition. You need to recognize that this is simply a resistance pattern. Then, you will be on the road to change.

3. "That's the way I am," attitude:

This resistance is usually preceded by statements such as, 'I'm the type of person... "and so on. It is a statement that says this is the way you are and you probably are not going to change.

4. Procrastination:

This is a very common resistance. You may be saying you will put off working on your limitations until you don't feel anxious or until you feel more independent. You may say that you will go out and drive when the weather is better or you'll be more assertive with your mother when you feel you are over your problems with anxiety and depression. This only keeps you from facing your fears and working toward your goals.

5. Over-analyzing and intellectualizing:

This is a common resistance behavior because, as a rule, you are so analytical. With this resistance, you overanalyze and intellectualize everything until the new behavior seems so complicated and confusing it produces a great amount of anxiety. Consequently, the old behavior seems easier and less complicated. This is your subconscious way to resist.

6. Morals or Religion:

This resistance is hard to let go of because it is so effective and justifiable. You might feel that you can’t put yourself first or be assertive because it will go against your religion. Again, this is simply a resistance to change. It is easier to feel that someone or something else is keeping you in a position where you are being taken advantage of and manipulated. Learning to have respect for yourself and like yourself more is not going against your religion. You must recognize this as one of your resistances to change.

7. "Nobody really understands me" attitude:

This resistance is kind of a "feel sorry for yourself' attitude. You feel that you are different. Your problems are worse. Maybe you can't change. Again, this is a very self-defeating attitude that will stop you even before you get started. But, at least you have a good excuse not to change.

8. Insecure behavior:

This resistance can be effective because it also puts the blame on someone or something else. "People might not like or love me if I change. Someone might take it wrong if I am assertive. What if I change and my husband or wife leaves me?" You have all kinds of little insecure reasons for not changing. Maybe it's easier to just stay anxious.

You might feel you are having a hard time adjusting to change. You might also feel a little lost and confused about exactly whom or what you are changing into. That is okay, but you still must change to get over this chronic anxiety.

Changing is very hard. It is anxiety producing. You are probably using some of the resistance patterns mentioned above to keep from changing or to slow the process of change. Even though this condition is unpleasant, it is familiar. New behavior is not.

It is up to you. Which is worse? The anxiety from suffering with anxiety and depression or the anxiety from change? Neither is pleasant, but only one holds the key to self-acceptance, growth, maturity and peace of mind.

Homework

Name ___________________________________

What are some of the resistances to change you find you use now or have used in the past?

______________________________________________________________________________

Which of these resistances do you feel you might have used or you are now using to resist

What concerns you most about changing?

______________________________________________________________________________

What do we get out of negative behavior‘?

Getting attention:

This gain is especially important to those people who seem to be "babied" a lot due to their anxiety. The attention usually is given by a spouse or relative who ends up going places with the anxious person, running errands for them and monitoring their condition.

Thus, the spouse or relative becomes the anxious person's "safe" person. It isn't easy to give up all that attention, especially if deep down inside it makes you feel loved and cared for.

Avoiding making decisions:

This is one of the more popular secondary gains, especially for those who are performance oriented.

Making a decision about your life is very difficult. If you make the wrong decision, you are setting yourself up for self-hate due to your perfectionist, hate-to-fail attitude. By being anxious and depressed, you have an excuse not to make a decision about such things as changing jobs, getting out of a bad relationship, going back to school or starting a weight control program.

What if you did any of these things and your anxiety acted up? Maybe you'd better not do it. Thus, the chance is never taken. You are so busy clouding your mind with, "What's wrong with me?” that you don't have time to make decisions. Decision making is very difficult for many anxious people, causing them much anxiety. This will only lead to procrastination, which will result in self-hate. It is a no-win situation.

Avoiding getting close to people and socializing:

Getting close to people is a lot of work. Again, this would lead to self-hate. It's easier not to make the effort. Besides, if these people knew what you were really like, they would

think you were different and they probably wouldn't like you anyway. Right? Wrong.

If you remain anxious and depressed you can't get close to anyone. They would never understand your condition. The truth is, you can get hurt by getting close to someone. It is a lot of work to maintain a friendship. To some of you, staying anxious is an easier alternative.

Avoiding doing things you dislike doing:

Maybe you don't really like to drive. Maybe you hate going shopping or visiting relatives.

By being anxious and feeling depressed, you have an excuse "not to." It can get you out of all kinds of unpleasant chores. And it is very effective.

The problem is that subconsciously, you know you really didn't want to do that particular thing anyway. This leads to underlying feelings of guilt which will lead to self-hate.

You may be feeling bad and guilty and not even understand why. It is okay to not want to do something. But you will feel better when you make a conscious choice about doing it rather that letting your condition make up your mind for you.

You may truly feel you are getting nothing positive out of this condition. If you feel this way, that is fine. But it is important for you to take a serious look at yourself. If you can pinpoint your personal secondary gain, you will understand your condition that much better. You can let go of using this condition as an excuse that much sooner.

Name _______________________________________

List below any negative thoughts or statements you've had this past week. After you have written the negative statement, replace it with a positive statement on the next line. A space is provided below for the instructor to provide you with an example of a positive statement.