What do all divorced people want? - Closure. We want to get the divorce behind us. We want the nightmare to end. We want to stop thinking about our ex. We want to move on with a new life.
How do you do that?
-Complete the previous steps 1-8 -Build a new social life with other singles
Finally, the most important step to achieve closure: Forgive your ex and yourself. When you forgive, the pain and anger subside and you are ready for the next phase in your life.
When we say forgive:
You don’t have to excuse the wrongs that your ex did to you
You don’t have to try to forget about what he/she did, you can’t
You do have to renounce anger and resentment
You do have to release your ex from guilt and act as if nothing bad ever happened between you
Why forgive?
You are the victim of your hate, bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. Forgiveness is the key to healing yourself.
Your feelings toward your ex-spouse or a third party (affair) have no impact on them at all. Most exes don’t know or care what you think. He or she may even be happy that you are distraught over them. If your ex feels guilty for his actions, it is because of what he did, not because of
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how you feel. Your lack of forgiveness just eats you up. It steals your joy. It keeps you tied to the one you can’t stand – and to the past. It takes energy to stay angry, wasted energy you could apply to your own life.
When there is unforgiveness, you are giving your ex power over you.
You are allowing him or her to control you and your emotions.
The 6 benefits of forgiving:
1. Forgiveness removes the power your ex has over you
2. Forgiveness eliminates wasted time and negative energy
3. Forgiveness removes temptation to do something stupid
4. Forgiveness allows you to trust and love again
5. Forgiveness heals and leads to your emotional and physical recovery
6. Forgiveness is the key to closure
Forgiving your ex may seem incredibly hard to do. Here are some steps to help you achieve it:
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Decide to forgive your ex
Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.
Action:
Make the decision today to forgive your ex. You do not need to tell your ex that you forgive him/her; instead the goal is to truly forgive in your heart. It won’t happen by just saying you decide to forgive. But it takes this first step of commitment. Ask yourself if you have any of these barriers that are stopping you from forgiving.
Pride: You know you were right and your ex was wrong. But both of you played a role. What was your role? Don’t let pride keep you from doing something that is in your own best interest.
Revenge: Getting even just keeps you tied mentally to your ex. What would you like to say or do to your ex? Write it out and then let it go.
Bitterness: The only person injured when you are bitter is you. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Bad things happen to good people, but they only cripple you if you choose to let them. What are you bitter about? Identify it and then put it behind you.
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The following 3 steps can help you move closer to forgiving your ex:
Get a perspective on your marriage
Remember the good in your marriage. If you review all the good things and good times you had during your marriage, you will gain perspective on the past that divorce can negatively color. It will help you begin to forgive.
Action:
Make a list of all the good things that happened during your marriage such as children you had together, special times and places you went, the love you shared when things were good. Let these facts help you have a more balanced view of your past marriage.
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Get a perspective on your ex
Your ex has many problems from the divorce. Don’t trick yourself into thinking he or she has it made. No one comes out unscathed in a divorce. You may decide that you’re happy that you are not in your ex’s shoes.
Action:
People who have completed the following exercise often report that they see their ex in a new way, even feeling sorry for him or her given the problems he has and what he faces.
Role-play that you are now in the position of your ex.
-What is he going through?
-What problems does he now face?
-What does his future look like?
-What has he lost due to the divorce?
-What do friends and family now think of him?
-What does he not have that you have?
-What mean or unethical things did he do during the marriage or afterwards that he has to live with?
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Get a perspective on your thoughts
Don’t dwell on negatives. Divorced people often stay stuck thinking about the ugly things their ex did or is still doing. Don’t let anger, bitterness, and retribution control your thought life. You cannot control where your mind goes, but you can control how long it stays there. You cannot forgive as long as you remain angry.
Action:
Change the channel. A simple way to avoid dwelling on the past and your divorce is to select a substitute subject or thought that you will shift to every time your mind drifts back to your unhappiness or anger, your ex, the divorce, or anything negative from the past. You could select a subject such as a trip you are planning, your plans for your education, your child’s poem, your thankfulness for the positive people in your life, etc. etc. Think of some positive subjects that you will switch to whenever the old junk pops in your mind. List them below.
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Ask your ex to forgive you
The purpose of this act is to put a “period” on the divorce. This is tough, but it is necessary to get closure. When you have truly forgiven your ex in your heart, you will find this easier to accomplish. Even if you believe your role was minimal in causing the breakup, use what you found in Step 4 to help you accept responsibility for your divorce. Once you do that, you will be able to ask your ex for forgiveness. Remember, you are doing this for you, not for your ex.
Action:
Write below what you will say to your ex asking for his or her forgiveness. If you cannot bring yourself to speak to your ex in person or by phone, send an email or letter. End the discussion or note with words like this: “I am sorry for my role in our divorce. Please forgive me.” Keep it simple and short. Do not go into any detail about what you think might have been your role. Just simply say you are sorry for your role in the divorce.
It doesn’t matter how or if your ex responds.
He may be humble and ask you for forgiveness as well.
She may say she accepts your forgiveness.
He may be mute, in shock and not respond.
Or she may get mad, be nasty and try to pull you into a fight – don’t get drawn in.
Remain calm and don’t comment on how your ex responds.
You’ve accomplished your job once you have asked for forgiveness.
You will have a sense of relief and release when you forgive. It’s Over.
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Forgive yourself
We all feel some guilt for the failure of our marriage. Maybe you did things you are not proud of. Maybe you feel like the divorce was somewhat or mainly your fault. It is important to forgive yourself so that you can let go of the guilt. I do not know how to do this except to ask God for forgiveness.
Action:
Ask God to forgive you and accept His forgiveness. Do this in a conversation with God, a letter you write to Him or in a prayer.
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In summary, forgiveness…
is a decision you make to help change your heart toward your ex
is for your benefit and not for your ex; though it may help him heal
shows mercy and kindness toward your ex even if you feel the injury that was caused you was cruel, deliberate or purposeful
is accepting your ex as he/she is – warts and all
is taking a risk
is choosing to have love again in your heart
allows you to heal emotionally and even physically from the stress
is offering an apology in order to put a period on the divorce
releases you from your ex and provides you with closure
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Questions for Step 9: How to Get Closure
Q. What would “closure” in your divorce mean to you? What evidence do you see that you do not have closure? What is preventing you from gaining closure?
Q. Have you forgiven your ex in your heart? If not, have you made the decision to begin the process to forgive? Do you still harbor hate, bitterness, anger and resentment toward him/her?
Q. Even if the marriage ended in an ugly way, were there good things and good times that you experienced from the marriage? Can you put the recent unpleasant events in perspective?
Q. Pretend that you are your ex. Answer these questions: What are all the problems you are now facing? What have you lost by going through a divorce? (See if you now think your ex has it made!)
Q. What can you do to stop dwelling on negative thoughts? Identify some positive subjects that you will switch to whenever your mind wanders to the old junk from the past. (Learn to change the channel)
Q. Are you able to write or speak with your ex and ask his/her forgiveness? What do you have to do to be able to get to the point where you can honestly do that?
Q. Do you still feel guilty about your role in ending of your marriage or have you forgiven yourself? What do you have to do to be able to get to the point where you can honestly do that?
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