3.3 LA ESCUELA Y LA EDUCACIÓN EN VALORES
3.3.2 La educación en valores en los procesos educativos
We have many times heard the question asked about what difference it makes to be wedded in a Christian church; and, whether people, even Christians, are any less married if they did not have "the ritual"
of a church wedding! We have always found that double-barreled question very relevant, and indeed, very, very wise to ask and to be answered. It definitely is a very useful question to ask! But as we are going to see, even though a sound observation, the question lacks
of
an essential element of human common sense that makes it in the long run to be a question which displays some very basic lack of understanding indeed; i.e., for a real Christian to have asked it.To speak in general terrns, any two adult human beings (of the opposite sex) who feel so sexually attracted to each other that they consummate that attraction through genital intercourse (i .e., coitus), have become "married" in some basic biological sense of that word.
This is the more so if such coitus results in
a
conception, and if especially that conception comes to its full effect in the birth of a human baby! This is the state to which many marriages in the so- called developed countries of the world has retrogressed to currently!However, many truly civilized or developed people do. not allow their "marriages" to be just that, if they have even the smallest iota of human love, no matter how inferior. They usually often decide to come together, and live together, for many reasons of, at least, convenience to enjoy more this "love" that they had found. That
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convenience, apart from the selfish end of making it easier for them
! . to consummate that animal marriage as all other beasts do, also makes it easier for them to continue to exploit each other mutually.
Many western modern marriages are also now left only at this level of our fill human living. However, the higher the level of spirituality they have attained, the more they will find in that united life, the opportunity and primarily important reason' of serving each other, ng their more real and mutual needs, providing unique ionship (Gen. 2: 18) atid, most importantly, of providing the only truly human environment of a true family, for the proper up- bringing of the children of that marriage, as truly beloved human beings ought to do.
However, if no pregnancy or childbirth result fiom the coitus, as contraception makes possible these days, they may find it less necessary to raise that animal marriage to anything of a higher order.
That is exactly what so many people in the western world these days are doing; and they do not see why they should not do so.
Others however find in the easier mutual exploitation of each other in carnal sexual intercourse, enough reason for cohabitation In the past, that used to be called "shacking up"! However, in many of the cases, they soon go their different ways leaving the children with either one or neither of them as other animals do - as much as many in statutory/legal marriages.only do these days also!
At a higher level of human (spiritual) maturity and self- responsibility, however, such people would wish to involve other people (their parents, relatives and even the wider society) in this process. They would try to perform certain social rites, rituals and obligations established by such a society for people who wish to be reckoned with as married. In traditional societies, these would end
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up as traditional or customary marriages with no documents signed, no legalisms; but perhaps only happy photographs in the modem world. They would naturally have human witnesses as they may choose to do. In the more westernized legalistic societies, the marriage will not end there. The marrying couple will raise it up to a legal contract such as statutory, civil or 1egal.marriages are; to use their modern nomenclatures. While each of these two higher levels of marriage, traditional and statutory, adds something to the original marriage, none of them makes any fundamental difference ta the nature of the original biological (i.e., animal) marriage that they all started with. Or do they? Marriages that are personal are all easily divorceable and potentially pol'ygamous. Traditional marriages are also divorceable, even if slightly more difficult than the private/
personal ones; and they are also potentially polygamous. Civil, statutory or legal marriages are divorceable as the other two.
Even
though it is officially monogamous, it is potentially sequentially polygamous following the serial divorces that it can grant. However, as all will know, only a true Christian marriage is non-divorceable and permanently monogamous; "until death do us part".
This evaluation, I hope, answers largely the original question that this reflection started with. Even though marriage at the most basic level is a biologicallanimal phenomenon, the more mature and the more human/spiritual a person is, the more shehe tries to make a higher and greater reality of it. As we have noted above, at the most ordinary social human level, all the above forms of marriages are potentially or actually polygamous, as all such animal marriages are. That is, they allow for a simultaneous
or
sequential multiple mating (coitus) whilethe
earlier mates still remain or are still mated with; as such animal sexual~attractions continue to increase,the more
physically attractive peoplewe
meet along life'sway!
Buta
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Christian marriage is something far greater and higher than such ordinary biological or even social or legal human marriages. It is supremely spiritual as well; and in approaching God's original plan for man, does not allow for any type of polygamy or divorce. In it, a man leaves father and mother and clings to his wife (who is truly.
a help mate) so that'the two become one, in such a way that is it indeed, God's own doing, which no one can or indeed may try to put asunder (Gen. 1:26-3 1; 2:18-21; Mk. 10:2-12; Jn. 4:16-19;
Rom.7:2; I Cor. 7: 1-40). They are exclusively married until one or both of them dies! '
As Jesus amply teaches us, especially by what he DID as well as what he said (Acts '1 : 1 ; Lk -24: 19; 7: 22; Matt. 1 1 :4), he came to restore everything concerning man, to their original form in the sight of God. One of such defected realities of human existence in God's sight since the event of original sin is the marriage institution. -
It has become messed up and continuously deteriorating that now, it is a most minimally spiritual and very animalistic (biological) event. The modern Secular Humanist world ideology makes' in progressively more and more so (see the "Humanist Manifestos").
But since Jesus' completed work of salvation, it has become possible for anybody (Christian, i.e.) to live the original life as a child of God, including marriage and the married life.
The Full Nature of
Christian Marriage.As evaluated in the questiop with which this section started, a Christian marriage is everything that any other form 'of human marriage is and,
up
to that point, no different fiom them. But it is a lot more than those things besides. It is something out of this world,a
beatitude,a
restoration of the Garden of Eden, where Adam andEve
were not only able to be at peace with each other and with 50UNIVERSITY OF IBADAN LIBRARY
I every created thing, but also were able to walk and
talk
with Godin the cool of the evening!A marriage between two self-acclaimed Christians is not validly a Christian marriage by their merely saying so, for nobody bears valid witness unto himself in any, but especially in the Christian ethical, community. And it is at an official Christian wedding that the true and only valid Christian witness is given that two Christians have become married. They are married, not merely by intention or as any people in the community may do, but as only Christians can do
- i.e., monogamously and irrevocably "until only death can do them part". As it is well known, this reality of a truly Christian marriage is clearly stated at every Christian wedding, exchanged in the sacramental pledge by the marrying couples; and it means what it states. This is why Jesus assured the Samaritan woman that though she had "married" seven times, that none of the later was truly her husband in God's sight (Jn 4: 16-10). Therefore, the reverting of human marriage to the lowest common factor (e.g., to a sequential polygamy) especially through the "not-fault" divorce culture, must be seen for the deadly evil that it is.
It is well known that some new-age Christian churches have been trying to reverse this clearly Christ-given nature of marriage, exchanging fake vows of staying if everything works out well
"because God has guaranteed them happiness by Christ's blood";
or divorcinglseparating if not, "as evidence that God had not joined them - otherwise, they would have been happy!". However, Jesus assures us that not an iota, not a jot, of His words will be taken away until it is all fulfilled! By their fruits, you shall know them!
In considering a Christian marriage, particularly in our present
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Nigerian society, or even in the whole modern world, it is important to mention that all of the unnecessary crowd and fanfare that has been brought into it are very unfortunate indeed. They detract from its true meaning and often do spoil it. They often make young people or their parents tqenter into unnecessary debts or exhaust their money so much that their marriage is pauperized from the . very start! Others who cannot afford such expenses but unfortunately think that such are essential part of Christian marriages continue to postpone it or alternatively to live in sin, till they can afford it. It is obvious that anybody who continues to fuel this evil notion is contributing to the undermining of the true kingdom of God, which
-
Christians should not do. I
Basically, Christian marriage is a rite, a sacrament that the two marrying people confer on themselves. And in most Christian communities, the only necessary crowd for it is made up of an ordained clergy and two other Christians to witnesses to that Christian marriage. The rest of our modem crowd at these weddings and the usually pauperizing receptions that people organize thereafter, are not an essential part of a Christian wedding. They would seem to be carry-overs of a secular society; and the more minimal we make them as Christians, the more we will be approaching God's original plan for it, we believe. A Christian wedding is a most solemn occasion in the world, and the more so we make it, the less rabble-rousing an event it is, the better obviously for both ourselves and our society at large!
Knowing when Courtship is Completed.
Usually, before people come to a church wedding, they would have passed all the Rubicon of any, even the most sensible human courtship; but still in their case, yet unconsummated, since they are
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Christians and so not yet married as such. But often too, we have heard people ask when or how they would know that their courtship has served all the purposes it ought to serve. We usually ask such people how much of themselves they know mutually. How much of the knowledge they have the right and theduty to have of each other before a valid mqiage decision can be made, do they have of each other? Ifthey do not
know
these questions, we would usually go through the questions with them for their private personal use afterwards. Then we ask them how much they have "quarreled and settled again" during their courtship. If they have never quarreled, then we know that in spite of all they may claim, they are not likely to have been true or open to each other; and so, they are yet ignorant or their real selves. Marriage is a school of quarreling and settling up soon again. And if they have not progressively learnt and improved on this, then their courtship is most likely only just .starting.As they do so and understand each other better, the frequency of such quarrels, even if they grew initia1ly;begins to grow less, and the time and ease of its settling also gets shorter. If some of this has not been experienced, one would think that they have a wee bit more steps to go. Only these two facts, (emotional, intellectual, social, moral, economic and spiritual; but not carnal) knowledge of and learning to get along nicely with each other, essentially determine the completion of courtship for any two physically, emotionally, cultgrally and spiritually mature people. Anytime else that delays the marriage
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ven though each of the courting parties is required to and should ave fully or nearly fully matured physically, emotionally, culturally and spiritually before entering into courtship, they need to continue growing emotionally, culturally and spiritually during their courtship by the same means they ought to have used in doing so up to the onset of that courtship. The usual, simple, natural and healthy ways we get to learn of (i.e., understand) our personal selves and of others,
- are through playing, thinking, praying, reading (study) and discussion. People in courtship must learnt to do these very much.
In deed, those arethe very activities they should spend their time doing together. If they do .so, they would not only grow and accomplish the purpose of their courtship easier and faster, but it will help them to avoid some of those things that appear quite easy (even "natural", i.e., beastly) to do, but which are indeed destructive to courtship and the hture marriage. I mean fornication by engaged people! As we said before, this loss of sexual self-control and so engagement in sexual intercourse (coitus) in courtship, usually introduces so much blinding emotion and biased at#achment .(or indeed, sometimes, disinterest) to the coui~ship that hardly can the crucial decisions ieft in it be made with an objective mind as such.
In addition, it makes slaves of us eventually in that marriage. It does so because, by that evidence that we cannot keep coitus outside the friendship relationship of a courtship, our spouse would not let us make other fiiends of the opposite sex thereafter (if they are sensible, as we all instinctually prove to be in this regard eventually).
They will not let us because we have proven that we do not know the boundary between friendship and marriage, and are most likely to have coitus with such other so-called friends also. Marriages in which the spouses loose the right to make and to bring other friendships outside it are no more than prison yards, perhaps even
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something worse than it!
They have no melody of life
-
genuine human love and chaste passions (pa~sionless passions as someone else called it!)-
on which genuine human life thrives.Chastity and the Loving Virtue of Sexual Self-control.
In a nut shell, sexual self control and the avoidance of fornication before or during courtship (and eventually also of adultery within - marriage) yield to us several .freedoms from evil, and enables us to do or be so many good things to other men and women that. they cannot be discussed here. A summary of these can however be presented as in Table 1 below.
As Pope Paul VI taught in his encyclical Humane Vitae, the end and purpose of sexual intercourse in natural law and the mind of God are two: namely, the unitive and the procreative purposes. Thus as the Couple-to-Couple League expatiates, sexual intercourse is the external sign of the inward grace or reality of the marriage of the two persons; a celebration and re-enactment of the sacrament and covenant of the marriage of the couple as a union of body, mind and soul to the mutual exclusion of everybody else until death do them part. When we engage in sexual intercourse and it truly consciously is this celebration, it cannot but unite us better and better! This is the fact that makes fornication or adultery such monstrosities that they are - celebrations of lies - telling prostitutes, other peoples' spouses and future spouses &at they are one with us, body, mind and soul to the mutual exclusion of all else until death do us part. Pope Paul VI implies-that by this nature of the sexual act, whenever we do so properly, not by spousal rape, bribery, compensation for good behaviour or conduct and other corruptions, it can only be a further source of'grace from God (as all sacraments
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are, as coitus is the'sacrament of the sacrament of matrimony) and so a source of greater unity and growth in our spiritual and social life. Anybody who woCld iherefore ever hope for their marital coitus to be this great source*of grace must avoid fornication before Christian marriage or otherwise thoroughly repent of it and re- acquire the secondary virginity essential for it before that marriage.
Same is true for those who were ever involved with adultery.
The second end of coitus is to provide God himself the only avenue he has left for himself to continue to create human beings and so.to replenish the earth. Thus to have sexual intercourse and to contracept it is a Gnostic act; i.e., one telling God that if he desires to create a person by this act'of coitus, he should go somewhere else to do so as this one is only 'for the pleasure of it. This is why the Catholic Church says that contraception is an objectively irreligious act; for no
man
may tell God what he may or may not do. Christians who desire to marry obviously need to discuss with one another how they would be spacing the birth of their children; following the natural law or self-poisoning or self-recreation in the image and likeness of infertility.Even though engaged couples should ideally have become mature spiritually, as well as in their understanding of marriage before courtship, it is not only good to ensure that this is indeed so with such one's partner. They would do well to share those ideas, and if possible to grow. afresh and mutually, thereby. The scriptural passages concerning marriage (particularly of good and exemplary marriages) and the things to do to get there are many. The following are some which engaged couples would'benefit from sharing their mysteries together, at this time, during some oftheir times together:
Gen. 1 :26, 3:24; Prov. 3 1 : 10-3 1. Tobit 85-9;. Sir. 36:22-26; 26: 1-
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18; Matt. 5:27-32; 19:l-12;
Jn
4: 16-19; 1Cor. 7:l-40; 13:l-13;Eph. 5:21-33; Heb.13:4-5; l'Pet 3:l-7; Col. 3:18-21 Rom 8:l-8;
1Thess. 4:l-12; Eph. 5: 1-20).
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TABLE '1
BENEFITS OF SEXUAL SELF-CONTROL/CHASTITY The 15 freedoms from sexual The 7 empowerments of non-abuse (i.e., chastity) sexual self control (chastity)
*
From the emotional and tphisical slavery of lust (being used).
*
From the sin of fornication andadultery i.e.,disenfranchisement from the special graces and glory of God).
*
From irresponsible pregnancy or unplanned parenthood.*
From (a cycle of) shallow friendships and multiple sexual partnering.*
From inadequate courtship, and hurry-up (irresponsible) marriages.*
From the misery of the abortion and infanticide decisions.*
From the possible and tough adoption decision.*
From contraception and its health hazards*
From increased risk of cancerof
the cervix later in life.*
To love * people really, clearly and hlly; and to . develop real and lasting fiendships.*
To plan one's life and fitme with a clear mind.*
To study one's book/skills and make a primary success of one's life as a teenagerlyoung adult first.*
To study and understandoneself and others as well as ' our human, non-genital,
sexuality in fill. .
*
To develop on& self in full.*
To serve others, indeed all .humans, without self-interestlimitation fiom any external source, and without any ulterior (sexual) motives.
*
To develop our utmost spiritual and balancedemotional and psychic power for profound deeds in life.