Lineamientos para la infraestructura productiva de Arauca

As a graduate of this fine and mysterious institution, I am glad, as always, to clarify a few of your misconceptions and to confirm even more of your suspicions.

S E C R E T ! : Yale was built by Elihu Yale with his own hands out of mud.

S T A T U S : Somewhat true

Yale was not built by this person, but the institution that would eventually become the university was founded in 1701 as the “Friends of Elihu Yale.” This was a social club of prominent south-

ern Connecticutians that was devoted to drinking and the display of friendship to Elihu Yale, a Boston-born merchant living in England whom they had chosen at random.

The Friends of Yale would secretly meet every Thursday evening to plan out lavish new gifts for Mr. Yale—teams of horses, some carved out of gold; chests of tobacco and guns; magic cotton gins; a wise prostitute who would remind Yale of the brevity of life and its beauty, etc.—all shipped, at great expense, to Yale, who did not want them and did not know why he was receiving them.

“Unknown gentlemen,” he wrote in 1718, “whether it is your aim to display great charity or great malice cannot be clear, but I urge you please to stop. I have already married the prostitute, and I can- not by law take another chest of nutmeg.” He instead urged them to accept money to establish “Such a School that shall be Useful to the Local Youths of Quality to teach them the principles of godliness and Secret World Government.” And thus, Yale was born.

One possible explanation of the rumor stated above is the fact that, while Yale was not actually made of mud, the entire campus

was buried under the earth for ten years to make it appear older. S E C R E T ! : The world is secretly controlled by Skull and Bones. S T A T U S : Not true at all. NOT AT ALL.

I should like to say for the record I am not a “Bonesman” or in- deed a member of any of the exclusive “senior societies”—Book and Snake, Scroll and Key, Snake and Eggs, the Leatherstockingmen, the Yale School of Forestry, etc. Due to their open advocacy of cloak-wearing and their great windowless clubhouses known as “tombs” (many of them carved out of a single block of marble), these societies have prompted much fanciful speculation about bizarre masturbation rituals and hidden plans for world domination.

It is true that all of the past fourteen presidential candidates have been Bonesmen, with the exception of Ralph Nader, who was merely a member of the much less prestigious consumer-advocacy society Scroll and Seatbelt. And it is also true that Skull and Bones was

originally chartered by the Illuminati and Knights Templar in order to infiltrate the Secret World Government at Yale’s New Haven campus. But having failed to make any progress in this goal, the Bonesmen now focus almost exclusively on tending to the ptero - dactyls on their private island and on ritual masturbation.

S E C R E T ! : Yale enforces its will on the world via a capella singing groups.

S T A T U S : Absolutely true.

While many of Yale’s sixty-odd a capella singing groups are merely social organizations, a handful compose the Secret World Government’s most trusted and elite forces; generally their exper- tise breaks down thusly:

The Whiffenpoofs —conventional espionage, fencing, suicide missions

The Spizzwinks —traditional safecracking, now also encom-

passing computer espionage and movie/TV trivia

The Alleycats —sleight of hand, small arms, seduction

The Duke’s Men —the kicking and punching of people

The Society of —counterfeiting and forgery

Orpheus and Bacchus

Tangled Up in Blue —codes and ciphers

The Hodgmans —the singing of beautiful songs without ac-

S E C R E T ! : Sterling Memorial Library holds a book in which is pre- dicted the fate of the United States through the year 3000.

S T A T U S : More true than not.

The Americanomicon technically is held in the miniature version of that great library that can be found on the normal-sized library’s

roof.29 _{The Yale Lock Company was created to protect the book, se-}

curing it with special padlocks that can only be opened with a key. That said, it is fairly common for enterprising students to sneak up and view it at least once. I myself have held it in my hands. It is pretty mildewy.

S E C R E T ! : The first submarine was invented at Yale and still patrols its underwater canals.

S T A T U S : True.

Yale graduate David Bushnell’s one-man submersible, called the

Turtle, was first deployed in New York Harbor in 1775. Piloted and

powered by the volunteer Ezra Lee, the Turtle ’s underwater cross- bows cleared the harbor of all British ships as well as their trained sea-lions-of-war. Lee eventually became a member of the U.S. Secret Service under direct supervision of Yale. Though Lee did not com- plain about the Turtle’s notoriously cramped conditions, he many years later committed suicide by stuffing himself into a hatbox. S E C R E T ! : The Whiffenpoofs stole the Hope Diamond and pre- sented it to Dick Cavett when they were guests on his television program in 1970.

S T A T U S : False.

It was the crystal skull of Alexander Hamilton.

S E C R E T ! : Every year one student is randomly assigned to live in an extremely luxurious room made of solid gold.

S T A T U S : True.

The Vanderbilt Suite, built for the son of Cornelius Vanderbilt, comprises fourteen golden rooms of pure luxury, including five-inch carpets, canopy beds in every room, a direct pipeline to the Hathorn #1 Spring in Saratoga Springs, a butler’s palace, three walk-in fire- places, the state’s first electric brandy decanter, a dedicated proxy to perform all classwork, and a topographical map of the United States with a gigantic model train set that shows the real-time progress of every train currently riding the rails.

S E C R E T ! : Yale is the seat of the Secret World Government. S T A T U S : True.

There is no Secret World Government.