Many roads lead to destruction, but the way back is unpaved and unmapped. Independent churches usually have no plan in place or protocol acknowledged to handle the fallout of a minister’s fall from grace. Shocked and embarrassed, the board members often react in judgment rather than love. One church may seek to kick the minister out, dismissing him quietly. Another church may try to punish and humiliate the “offender” on his way out the door. The minister ends up feeling abandoned, hurt, and betrayed by the barrage of abusive, caustic words hurled like stones from the lips of his brothers and sisters.
Those who offer the fallen leader some formal restoration process line him up with counselors for a predetermined length
of time, according to the issue. Someone who has had an affair with a church secretary may fall into one category of formal restoration process; a practicing homosexual with multiple partners may fall into another category; and a pedophile still another.
One of the most dominant sexual sins rampant among leaders and followers of Christ seems to be pornography. The use of pornography is seen as a “victimless crime” that is not often taken seriously and usually receives little or no attention by the church board even if it does come to light. Those who take it seriously understand the implications of its use and realize just how much the use of porn impacts not only the minister, but also his family and the atmosphere of the church.
The Web site safefamilies.org offers a long list of chilling statistics about the use of pornography. Just the following statistics I gleaned gives us a clue as to why the Church is so weak.
A 1996 Promise Keepers survey at one of their stadium events revealed that over 50% of the men in attendance were involved with pornography within one week of attending the event.
57% of pastors say that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation (Christians and Sex Leadership Journal Survey, March 2005).
of those are women.
More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month.
Millions of men in the U.S. and around the world are hooked on pornography. Often, they step into the world of prostitutes as a result of their escalating appetite for sensory pleasure and adventure. If they claim to be Christians, the guilt and shame often cause them to isolate. When the presence of God comes in power, these men will often shrink back and slink away, forfeiting the grace that could be theirs. How many of them were once called to extraordinary ministries? Many have lost their anointing due to their sexual confusion and addictions. Many others don’t even try to step into their sacred destinies—they cannot when their eyes are hooked on other images.
One denomination has a defined restoration process for pastors and ministers who admit to the use of pornography. Its counseling guidelines are based on the “level” of pornography use. Those guidelines are as follows:
Curiosity: requires three months professional counseling.
Experimental: requires six months professional counseling.
Regular: requires one year professional counseling and a three-month suspension of credentials.
Habitual: requires one year professional counseling and a six-month suspension of credentials.
Addictive: requires two years of professional counseling.
Does counseling work? It depends on the motivation of the counselee. Some are so wounded by the shame and feelings of being punished that they reject the process and disappear altogether. Others may not feel connected to the appointed counselor and may need to take a break, step back from church involvement, and ask God to lead them to the ones who can help. They are simply not ready or need to find someone they feel comfortable relating to before they can be ready to accept the process of accountability.
My experience in talking with anyone who has once walked with Jesus and then fallen into sexual sin—particularly the chronic use of pornography or a one-time adulterous situation (heterosexual or homosexual)—is that you can tell who is going to make progress and enter into freedom through formal counseling fairly quickly. Those who make the best progress display a broken and contrite spirit. They realize that they crossed biblical, ethical, and moral boundaries. They understand that something within them needs healing, and they want to be healed. And they also recognize how their actions have hurt those closest to them. Along the way, they willingly try to reconcile their relationships and come into an even deeper understanding of the trust issues between
themselves and the Lord, as well as between themselves and the members of the church. They know that the issues of restoration are issues of relationships. It is one thing to try to get to the root of the sin in a person’s life; it is quite another to reveal the fruit that sprang from his or her “earthiness.”
The ones who resist the restoration process are initially defensive and angry that they got caught. Many will not admit to having done anything wrong. They will shift the blame to others, and remain bitter and angry toward other Christians and leaders who “ousted” them. They flee the process that has been scripted for them and walk their own paths for awhile, deciding when and if they want to submit to a restoration process.
Then there are those who acknowledge that they have crossed the boundary line, yet choose to flow with the river that leads away from God. Many choose to divorce and move in with their lovers. Or they find another community that accepts their addictions or sexual compulsions and normalizes them. Eventually, they may take the slow boat back as the affair ends, the lover leaves, the burnout subsides, and they come to their senses and wander back into the church, looking for God.
That takes courage. The ones who say it is better to be a doorkeeper in the house of the Lord than to sit outside partying with sinners are ones who have become broken and contrite and are more than ready for restoration.
they need is grace and love. Understanding, compassion, and forgiveness are the three keys to helping restore someone. First, the person must feel accepted in order for correction to be received. For any restoration process to be successful, the goals need to be clear. Restoration is about restoring the individual to a vibrant relationship with the Lord. It is not about getting him or her back into the pulpit or on the road as itinerant ministers.