Cohabiting couples intentionally put measures in place that will enable them to achieve their goals to be together and take care of their children. Nkage and her partner Montsheki decide to circumvent the existing structure by deciding to ‘get married.’
The case of Nkage and Montsheki
E rile ke sena go lemoga gore ke imile, ke ne ka bolelela mma-malome. Mma-malome a bolelela botsadi jo bongwe. Ke ne ka bodiwa ke mma-malome le mmamane gore ke imisitswe ke mang, ko kae? Ke ne ka ba bolelela. Botsadi mme ba buisanya. Morago mma-malome le mmamane ba romiwa go ya go bega boimana goo rra mosimane. Morago ga kgwedi di ka nna pedi borra mosimane ba tsisa phetolo ya gore ba utlwile, ebile ba amogela molato. Go ne go tsile mma-malome le kgaitsadie. Fa ke sena go nna motsetsi mma-malome a ya go bega gape gore ngwana o tshotswe. Ba ne ba tla go bona ngwana. Erile go santse go ntse jalo ke be ke ima gape, ngwana a nale ngwaga fela (laughing). Ka bonako ra bo re dumalana gore re batla go nyala, mme dipuisanyo goo rra mosimane tsa pala (mme mpa e ya gola kana) ka gore rragwe o ne a seyo. Ba tsisa lefoko la gore, ka ba na le bothata ba santse ba emetse rragwee mosimane, a bana ba ka se name ba atamelane rra-a- bone ka gore mosimane one e bile a setse a beilwe setsha ke land board. Batsadi ba kopana ganna le merero ka adimiwa ra tla go thibelela mmogo fa gore ke tle go mo thuse go kuba. (After I realised that I was pregnant I told my uncle’s wife about it, who informed other parents and relatives. She and my maternal aunt asked me who and where the man responsible for the pregnancy was. I told them. After some time (about a month or so), my uncle’s wife and my maternal aunt went to officially inform my partner’s family about the pregnancy. After about two months they came to bring the response.
132 They agreed that their son was responsible for the pregnancy. After I gave birth, they were again informed about the delivery. His aunt and sister came to see the baby after three months bringing some clothes and toiletries for the baby. They also brought the response that they acknowledge the damage charges and they will pay. At six months a feast to officially mark the end of my confinement period took place and his relatives also came. Then, just when the child turned a year, we realised we were pregnant, again! (She laughs at the thought). We then immediately decided that we wanted to get married. My partner, Montsheki who is a mechanic in the Botswana Defense Force had applied for a plot, and the Land Board had just allocated him one. Unfortunately, his father was ‘dead’ (I later discovered that he was not dead actually, not physically but dead socially), so no one wanted to lead the marriage discussions in the absence of his biological father, (but in the meantime the tummy was growing! She giggles23). But then his parents came and explained that while still waiting for the partner’s father, they suggest that ‘the children should come closer to their father,’ that is they move in and stay with the man. (Children include the lady as well). So there were consultations between the two sets of parents; Tshenyo24 (penalty for impregnating a girl before marriage) was immediately charged and I was thereby borrowed to bring children closer to their father while my partner’s relatives located my partner’s father. We then came and started to build our home here.
This narrative demonstrates a kind of unexpected agency. The couple is trying to gain control over their affairs. Pregnancy ignites a number of reactions by both the couple and their respective families. The couple loves and cares for each other and also wants to take
23 The reason they wanted to kick start the marriage negotiations was that, since parents had delayed about damage charges, the second child very soon might make them to speed up charges and probably charge more, but once marriage is in the picture then the ‘damage’ charge might be reasonable.
133 responsibility for their children. In this case, the couple exercises some agency albeit unexpectedly. The parents of the girl are in no hurry to demand tshenyo; their child has just given birth, and her partner and his parents have taken responsibility for the pregnancy and have actually come to see the baby. However, while the baby is still young, the couple falls pregnant again. Nkage and Montsheki know that once the girl’s parents come to know that she is pregnant again, they might be angry. This might make them enforce the ‘damage’ charges. So, before the parents are aware of the second pregnancy the couple decides that they want to get married. They take advantage of the recently allocated residential plot.
From the narrative discussed, it is apparent that the decision to cohabit is multi- pronged: love and commitment, pregnancy, avoidance of more penalties for the man and his family, family constraints in starting negotiations for marriage, love for each other and the desire to take care of their children.
The cited cases reflect the general processes through which cohabiting relationships are established. These demonstrate the heterogeneity in cohabiting. Disaggregating cohabiting unions shows the importance of being cautious for methodological nuptialism. Taken together, it is evident that these various forms of cohabitation generate a level of initiative, flexibility, room for manoeuvre and negotiability that weddings and marital arrangements increasingly seem to lack due to the stringent requirements, conditions, timing and planning (see Van Dijk 2010, 2012, 2013). An understanding of these differences can lead to the formulating of different policies to meet individual needs.
The next section is about the negotiation and navigation of cohabitation and the different levels of expectations in terms of morality, respectability and, above all, generational differences (for the anthropological interpretation of ‘navigation’ as a social process, see Vigh 2003). Cohabitation demonstrates explicitly how people try to negotiate and navigate the prevailing ideas, moralities and structures around marriage. The fact that
134 people negotiate and navigate may not come as a surprise, but the fact that couples and parents join forces may do. There seems to be a common and shared interest in this navigation, and cohabitation is, in many cases, the happy outcome of this. This feeds into the ideas of Carsten (2000) about relationality, i.e. the notion that ideas of kinship are highly creative. This demonstrates the ‘makeability’ of relationships (often as a happy solution) and shows clearly the room that the various forms of cohabitation allow both the couples and parents; all these forms generate respectability in old or new forms.