Most of us remember our wedding vows or the promises we made when we made a commitment to our partners. Few of us were aware, however, that we made another unconscious commitment early in our relationships. Our unconscious commitments are often based on the defenses we've developed in shaming families.
Some examples of unconscious contracts are:
a. I'll be the sick one. You can be the healthy one. You can take care of me and feel good about yourself. I can feel bad about myself and be irresponsible.
b. I'll promise to keep distance and appear to be rejecting. You can be the pursuer and feel rejected. Together we will keep the comfortable distance we each need. c. I'll disappoint you and you can punish me.
d. I'll get my needs met and feel guilty. You can get none of your needs met and feel victimized and superior.
e. I'll keep distracted if you will.
f. I'll keep up a wall and feel protected. You can try to break through it and believe you are capable of intimacy.
g. I'll play your mom if you'll play mine. h. I'll play your dad if you'll play mine. i. I'll play your mom if you'll play my dad. j. I'll play your dad if you play my mom.
Because of the overwhelming pain experienced in our first relationships, true intimacy with our adult partners is often frightening. Unconscious agreements are established to pace the distance and closeness in relationships. They also provide us with the opportunities to work through the emotions resulting from the debilitating shame of a painful past. There are as many "contracts" as there are couples. You might wish to explore the possible unconscious agreements in your relationships. 6. We blame and are blamed.
Children who grow up in shaming environments quickly learn that one must blame or be blamed. There are very few compromises in shaming environments. It often feels like we are playing "emotional hot potato" in our adult relationships. Either our partner is wrong, or we must be. As explained earlier, when we grow up with
debilitating shame, we don't make mistakes, we are mistakes. Passing the blame to someone else is our attempt to protect an already injured self from more wounds. 7. We want them gone, then fight to get them back.
Grace and Tom had been separated six times in their ten-year marriage. The pattern was always the same. After a period of separation, Tom would pursue Grace. They'd begin dating, then "fall in love" again. They would eventually reunite without really talking about what the separation had been about. They would be blissfully happy for about a year, then Tom would start finding fault with Grace's behavior. She was too smothering. She was too distant. He would tell her that she needed counseling. She would become angry. He would feel victimized by her anger. After a time, he would say he was no longer in love with her and wanted her to move out. She would try to persuade him to get into marital counseling.
"It's not me with the problem, he would say. "All I want is a partner who is capable of being intimate. It's you with the problem." They would finally separate. Grace would get an apartment. Tom would remain in the house. Grace would begin to rebuild her life. After some time had passed, Tom would feel "lost without her" and want her to come home.
Like Perfect in Chapter One, Tom had grown up in a shame-based family. Tom's mom had been an alcoholic who showed she needed her son to be 50 at five, yet shamed him constantly. The shame was always shown in either silent rejection, which usually would occur when Tom showed independence or stated an opinion
that differed from his mother's. Sometimes Tom would be openly shamed when his mother was drunk. Her favorite words to Tom were, "Who do you think you are anyway?" Tom, like Perfect, attempted to fill all of his mother's wishes for her. When he was a child, he felt that if he did everything perfectly, his mom would be happy and stop drinking. Sometimes Tom would have glimmers of hope. Tom and his mother, for instance, were very close when they were on vacations as at these times, his mother would not drink. His father was a seaman who was only home every six months. Tom's mother wouldn't drink as much when his father was around.
With Grace, Tom was acting out the patterns and emotions of a painful past. He had one foot planted on the doorstep, ready to run. He both craved and feared
dependency. Furthermore, with Grace, he was able to act out both the intense feelings of longing to be accepted by his mom, while also expressing the shame- based anger he could not express throughout his childhood. It was only when he knew he could have Grace's unconditional loyalty that he could experience the anger of an old shame-based attachment.
For Grace's part, she said she felt like a yo-yo.
"First he wants me, then he doesn't. One day I'm going to walk out and never come back."
Grace had grown up in a family that ran both hot and cold. Sometimes the parents would totally focus on the children. At other times, they would give Grace the feeling they wished she'd disappear. Their inconsistency related to the degree of their interests in their work, hobbies and the world outside the home. In other words, the kids were there for them when they needed them.