A psychiatrist we talked to told us about a program he uses with patients who are afraid to take risks. "I teach them how to use their assertion muscles, to take the risks that many people take as a matter of course. Actually, I have them go through a series of exercises."
"What are the exercises?" we asked.
"First there are some warm-up stretches, which may vary according to the patient's problem. With one young man who had a terror of being rejected by women, I said, 'At the next party you go to, walk up to two women you don't know and start talking to them.' That's a big step."
Another warm-up is to go into a cafeteria and sit down at a table with a strange woman. Start talking to her.
"It's something you would think anyone could do," he explained. "Sharing a table in a cafeteria is very normal, but it was a tremendous job for my patient."
For a woman who had trouble asking for things, a warm-up was to go into a coffee shop, 'sit down at the counter, and ask for a glass of water without buying anything. It's a rough experience, but a strengthening one.
Once the warm-ups are past you are ready for some graduated risks. There are three plateaus in risking, and when you've attained one you must wait and practice for a while before going on to the next. You must become
comfortable at each plateau. Here are four situations that will bring you to the first plateau.
1. Tell someone off—someone you work with, your lover or mate, a friend, or a brother or sister. It shouldn't be someone with power over you, but someone who is an equal.
2. Make your husband, wife, or lover do something you want, something he or she is not eager to do: go to a particular place for a vacation, a certain restaurant, a movie, a show—one you want to see.
3. At work, ask for the day off. Don't give a reason.
Simply say it's for personal matters.
4. If you are unmarried, accept a blind date.
In all of these exercises failure is as important as success, because it teaches you that you'll still be able to show your face when people say no. If you succeed in the risk it proves that you may very well get what you ask for.
Once you've learned to function comfortably on the first plateau you will find that your inner self is stronger and it's time to try for the second plateau.
1. If you're single, risk going to a singles bar and talking to at least five strangers. If one appeals to you, suggest a date. If singles bars turn you off, try picking someone up at a museum or in a movie line.
2. Ask your boss for a raise. Tell him you realize this will mean more responsibility and you're prepared for it.
3. Tell your lover just what you like sexually.
Once you've reached the second plateau and survived, search for other risks that are just as threatening. The nature of the risks you select should tell you something of your strength at this point. When you've taken them and still feel capable of going on, you're ready for the highest plateau. Pass this level comfortably and your inner self is
Risking
strong enough to let you deal with the world with ease.
But you must be aware that these risks should not be taken lightly. You must be ready to accept their dangers as well as their rewards, and at this level the dangers may be very real. The most important point to remember is that you cannot succeed in anything without taking a risk, whether it is love, business, or life itself. The second point is that you can survive failure.
Erica, a talented artist and a very beautiful woman, saw us a few days before her third marriage. "I know I'm taking a risk," she confided, "even though there's a strong sexual chemistry between us. He's a great guy, but I've been married twice, and both were disasters."
"But you're ready to risk a third."
She shrugged. "Sure, and I'll tell you why. If this doesn't work out, I'll probably risk a fourth. The thing is, each time my marriage failed I was devastated. I thought I couldn't go on, couldn't make it alone. But I did. I survived each failure, and I've learned that if, God for-bid, anything goes wrong this time I'll survive that too."
And we knew she would. Erica is a survivor—but then, all of us can be survivors. What we need is the strength to try, and if we fail, the strength to weather the failure and go on to another try.
There is one other warning that must be given to those learning to risk. Along with risking, there is responsibil-ity. If you take a chance, you have to be prepared to take the consequences. Leave one lover for another and you take the chance that the second won't work out.
Taking a lover is a risk, and so is marriage. Each partner gives up a certain freedom, hoping to gain more than is lost. Changing jobs is a risk. Going out on a date is a risk. Making love is a risk. But then, as one friend put
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it, "You take a risk when you go out the door and cross the street. Do you know the number of fatal auto acci-dents that happen each year?"
But without risks life would be intolerable. We would never move ahead. Erica's willingness to take a risk on another love, another marriage, is less an act of daring than an act of living. It all boils down to the fact that risking is an essential part of life—and as for sexual chemistry, it simply cannot proceed without risks.