PROMPT: Dur i ng f or epl ay
HABI T: A s y ou see and t ouc h y our par t ner , say , “I l ov e y our b ody t oday , t omor r ow , and t hr oughout t i me” or ot her sw eet , l ov i ng w or ds t hat demonst r at e y our et er nal c onnec t edness. PURPOSE: Dev el opi ng t he hab i t of l et t i ng y our spouse k now t hat y ou ac c ept and l ov e hi s or her b ody i n spi t e of i t s c hanges hel ps y our mat e f eel c ont i nual l y c her i shed. It ’s per f ec t l y nat ur al t o w ant t o f eel at t r ac t ed and at t r ac t i v e t o y our spouse. But y our b odi es ar e al w ay s c hangi ng, and y ou need t o c onst ant l y i nt r oduc e y our sel f t o y our spouse’s b ody .
Si nc e i t mi ght b e nat ur al f or y our mat e t o f eel sel f - c onsc i ous ab out phy si c al c hanges, or ev en emb ar r assed, t hr ough t hi s hab i t y ou c onsi st ent l y c onv ey t he message t hat y ou l ov e her or hi m unc ondi t i onal l y .
A s y ou enc our age y our mat e t o f eel c omf or t ab l e i n hi s or her ow n c hangi ng sk i n, y our sex l i f e w i l l i mpr ov e and y our l ev el of i nt i mac y and c onnec t edness w i l l gr ow . She w as i n her mi d-t hi r t i es, a st unni ngl y b eaut i f ul w oman. She sat ac r oss f r om me w i t h per f ec t hai r , per f ec t nai l s, and
a per f ec t l y ac c essor i zed out f i t . W i t h t ear s i n her ey es, she t ol d me t hat she hat ed her b ody b ec ause she c oul dn’t get i nt o her si ze 2 jeans any mor e.
Lov el y Laur a had spent t hi r t een y ear s of her l i f e as a pr of essi onal model , st eeped i n an i ndust r y t hat pr i zes y out h and b eaut y . For mor e t han a dec ade, her sel f -w or t h had b een measur ed b y her ab i l i t y t o l ook sl ender and st unni ng. For t he past f i v e y ear s, how ev er , she had t ur ned her at t ent i on t o get t i ng mar r i ed and hav i ng a b eaut i f ul b ab y gi r l . Her si ze 2 jeans w er e a t hi ng of t he past .
“I hav e t o f i nd a w ay t o l ose w ei ght ,” she st ut t er ed t ear f ul l y . “I c an’t ev en get nak ed i n f r ont of my husb and any mor e. I’m sur e he f i nds me di sgust i ng. He mar r i ed a si ze 2.”
“A nd he mar r i ed a w oman i n her t w ent i es, b ut now y ou’r e i n y our t hi r t i es,” I r epl i ed. “Your b ody has c hanged and w i l l k eep c hangi ng. For t y w i l l l ook di f f er ent t han t oday , and f i f t y w i l l l ook ev en mor e di f f er ent . His b ody i s c hangi ng t oo, y ou k now .”
She di dn’t l ook soot hed. I c hanged t ac t i c s and ask ed, “Di d y ou ev er hav e a t eddy b ear or st uf f ed ani mal t hat y ou r eal l y l ov ed w hen y ou w er e gr ow i ng up?” Sur pr i sed, she t hought ab out t hat and answ er ed, “Of c our se—I had Mr . Ti ppy .” U pon ex ami nat i on, I l ear ned t hat she st i l l had Mr . Ti ppy at t he t op of her c l oset , t hough now he w as w or n dow n and mi ssi ng an ey e.
“A nd do y ou st i l l l ov e hi m? Is he b eaut i f ul t o y ou?” I ask ed.
She gr i nned, “It ’s t he st or y of t he V el v et een Rab b i t , r i ght ?”
“Ex ac t l y ,” I c onf i r med. Th e Velv eteen Rabbit, w r i t t en b y Mar ger y W i l l i ams i n 1 922, w as t he st or y of a w or n st uf f ed r ab b i t w ho i s so b el ov ed and w or n out ov er t i me t hat i n t he end he b ec omes “r eal .”
Ev en w i t h good hab i t s f or heal t hy agi ng, y our b ody w i l l st i l l c hange ov er t i me. W i shi ng i t w oul d st ay t he same i s a f ant asy . Get i nt o t hi s hab i t and b ec ome “r eal ” w i t h y our spouse. It i s muc h mor e deepl y sat i sf y i ng t han f al seness, emb ar r assment , or f ear .
REF LECTI ON: Is i t as easy t o ac c ept t he c hanges i n y our ow n b ody as i t i s t o ac c ept y our spouse’s?
HABI T 16
I Witness
PROMPT: If y ou f i nd y our sel f i n a heat ed di sc ussi on (a.k .a., c onf l i c t ) and y ou’r e get t i ng t r i gger ed, ac t i v at ed, and/or ac t i ng i n a b ad w ay (suc h as c ur si ng, name c al l i ng, b l ami ng, c r i t i c i zi ng, or ac t i ng i r r at i onal l y )
HABI T: Tur n y our at t ent i on t o y our b ody and r epor t on w hat y ou’r e ex per i enc i ng. Say out l oud, “I not i c e i n my b ody t hat … my hear t i s r ac i ng (or my t hr oat i s t i ght , or my v oi c e i s get t i ng shr i l l ).” Be a w i t ness t o y our b odi l y sensat i ons and shar e t hem w i t h y our par t ner . Then st ar t t o
l engt hen and deepen y our b r eat h. W at c h y our b ody c hangi ng. Say t he w or ds, “Br eat hi ng i n, I am c al m. Br eat hi ng out , I r el ax .”
PURPOSE: Int er r upt i ng an ar gument t o f oc us on y our i nner b ody ’s r esponse i s a pow er f ul t ec hni que f or sel f - r egul at i on. Dur i ng a heat ed di sc ussi on y our amy gdal a (t he al ar m b el l of y our ner v ous sy st em) i s ac t i v at ed. By f oc usi ng on b r eat hi ng deepl y , y ou ac t i v at e t he par asy mpat het i c ner v ous sy st em, w hi c h c al ms t he al ar m r esponse.
By l ab el i ng y our b ody r esponses, y ou shi f t y our at t ent i on f r om t he emot i onal t o t he phy si c al . A s y our par t ner w i t nesses y ou doi ng t hi s, t he st eps of y our usual danc e ar e r edi r ec t ed. W hen y ou c onsi st ent l y use t hi s r esponse t o an ar gument , y ou w i l l gr adual l y r ew i r e y our b r ai n t o b e l ess r eac t i v e, l ess angr y , and mor e peac ef ul . Geor ge and Sal l y w er e di sc ussi ng a poi nt of c ont ent i on i n my of f i c e. They w er e pl anni ng t o v i si t Sal l y ’s r el at i v es i n upst at e N ew Yor k . Ev en t hough Geor ge had agr eed t o go, he w asn’t ex ac t l y l ook i ng f or w ar d t o t he t r i p—Sal l y w as t ak i ng t hi s per sonal l y .
“I don’t under st and w hy y ou don’t w ant t o go. I al w ay s happi l y go t o v i si t y our f ol k s, w hi c h i s a l ot mor e out of t he w ay ,” Sal l y pr essed.
Geor ge r ol l ed hi s ey es. “I’v e al r eady t ol d y ou … I don’t l i k e t he dr i v e, and I don’t l i k e how y our dad al w ay s dr i nk s t oo muc h and t hen c or ner s me t o di sc uss pol i t i c s. I sai d I
w oul d go, t hough, so w hy do y ou hav e t o mak e a f eder al c ase ab out t hi s? You c an’t mak e me enjoy i t .”
Sal l y got t ear f ul and sai d i n a l oud v oi c e, “I just w ant a l i t t l e suppor t —i s t hat t oo muc h t o ask ?” She st ood up hast i l y . “You k now w hat ? I’m out t a her e. I c an’t di sc uss t hi s w i t h y ou. You’r e nev er on my si de.” She t ook a st ep t ow ar d t he door .
“W ai t ,” I sai d. “Sal l y , I k now y ou’r e f eel i ng f r ust r at ed b ut I’d l i k e y ou t o w ai t a mi nut e. Thi s i s i mpor t ant . Can y ou just say out l oud w hat ’s happeni ng i n y our b ody ?”
“Huh?” she r esponded.
“St ar t b y not i c i ng y our hear t r at e … and w her e t he t ensi on i s i n y our b ody … just say out l oud w hat y ou not i c e i n y our b ody .”
Sal l y sl ow l y t ol d us t hat her hear t w as r ac i ng a mi l l i on mi l es an hour . She f el t as i f she had b een k i c k ed i n t he gut . Her t hr oat w as on f i r e, and she k new she w as t al k i ng l oudl y .
“Ex c el l ent ,” I enc our aged her . “N ow , i f y ou’l l just si t dow n, l et ’s t r y some deep b r eat hi ng t o get y our hear t r at e dow n.” Sal l y , Geor ge, and I al l i nhal ed t o t he w or ds, “Br eat hi ng i n, I am c al m” and ex hal ed t o t he w or ds, “Br eat hi ng out , I r el ax .”
A f t er Sal l y c ool ed dow n, she w as ab l e t o t al k f r om t he hear t , w i t hout def ensi v eness. She ex pl ai ned t o Geor ge t hat she f el t hur t and w ant ed t o f eel hi s suppor t . Geor ge t oo w as ab l e t o hear her v ul ner ab i l i t y . He t ol d her t hat hi s show i ng up w as hi s w ay of l ov i ng and suppor t i ng her .
A sessi on t hat c oul d hav e ended i n di sast er i nst ead c ul mi nat ed w i t h a hug, t hank s t o a l i t t l e b ody -b ased aw ar eness.
REF LECTI ON: W hat mi ght y ou di sc ov er i f y ou r emai ned c al m dur i ng one of y our same ol d ar gument s?
HABI T 17
Tune Up
PROMPT: W hen one of y ou i s ex haust ed at t he end of a l ong day —or f eel s i l l —and si mpl y doesn’t hav e t he ener gy t o t al k HABI T: The mor e ener get i c of y ou put s hi s or her hands on t he head of t he ex haust ed one. Put one hand b ehi nd y our par t ner ’s sk ul l and one hand on t he f or ehead, essent i al l y c r adl i ng hi s or her head b et w een y our hands. Br eat he deepl y as y ou hol d t he head f or up t o sev er al mi nut es. Let an ener gy c ur r ent f l ow f r om y our hands t o y our par t ner . You c an do t hi s w hi l e she or he i s l y i ng dow n or si t t i ng. (If y ou w ant y our par t ner t o do t hi s t o y ou, y ou c oul d ask f or a “t une up.”)
PURPOSE: A t t unement i s a f or m of r el ax at i on, si mi l ar t o r ei k i , i n w hi c h t he b ody ’s el ec t r i c al ener gy i s shar ed t hr ough t he gi v er ’s hands. W i t h at t unement , y ou ac hi ev e a f eel i ng of b al anc e t hr ough mov i ng t hi s ener gy i n t he b ody ’s endoc r i ne sy st em. Your b ody i s an i nt egr at ed el ec t r i c al
sy st em. W hen y ou ar e t ouc hed b y anot her , y ou c an l i t er al l y f eel t he c onnec t i on.
The head i s al so t he home of t hr ee pr i mar y gl ands (pi neal , hy pot hal amus, and pi t ui t ar y ) and t hus i s an i deal ar ea f or r ec ei v i ng el ec t r i c al ener gy . The r el ax i ng, soot hi ng, nonv er b al c omf or t of t hi s posi t i on i s per f ec t f or t he par t ner w ho i s si mpl y t oo t i r ed, or i l l , t o speak . Mar l ey l ov ed her job as a hi gh sc hool Engl i sh t eac her . In f ac t , i t w as a c ov et ed job i n a good sc hool di st r i c t . How ev er , Mar l ey ’s per sonal i t y w as nat ur al l y i nt r ov er t ed. She w as soc i al l y adept , b ut she needed qui et t i me t o r epl eni sh her sel f .
Mar l ey ’s husb and, Br i an, w as an ex t r ov er t , r ef uel ed b y soc i al i nt er ac t i on. A l t hough Mar l ey and Br i an pr of essed t o b e happi l y mar r i ed, t hey di d hav e an ongoi ng c onf l i c t ab out how t o spend t hei r ev eni ngs t oget her .
W hen Br i an c ame home, he w ant ed t o c hat ab out hi s day . Mar l ey w as w or n out f r om i nt er ac t i ng w i t h t he t w ent y -f i v e st udent s i n her c l assr oom and t he dozens of c ol l eagues at her sc hool . She w ant ed t o c onnec t w i t h Br i an, b ut she di dn’t w ant t o t al k .
I w or k ed t o i nst i l l t he “Tune U p” hab i t i n Br i an as a w ay of hel pi ng Mar l ey f eel r epl eni shed and t o shi f t her depl et ed ener gy . Doi ng t hi s ex er c i se onc e w oul d f eel ni c e, I ex pl ai ned, b ut doi ng t hi s t oget her dai l y w oul d c r eat e a shi f t i n t hei r i nt er ac t i onal pat t er n.
Mar l ey w as t ouc hed t hat Br i an spent up t o f i v e mi nut es at ni ght hol di ng her head b et w een hi s pal ms and al l ow i ng
her t he si l enc e t hat she c r av ed. It al l ow ed t he ev eni ng t o pr ogr ess b et w een t hem w i t h mor e under st andi ng and c ompassi on.
REF LECTI ON: How mi ght t he ener gy shi f t b et w een y ou i f y ou w er e w i l l i ng t o of f er t hi s gi f t of nonv er b al
at t unement ?
HABI T 18