Patrones de Diseño

Certain objective factors are associated with marital satisfaction (Newman & Newman, 1991), including: high level of education, good socio-economic status, similarity of interests and levels of intelligence, being in the beginning or a late stage of family cycle (before and after children), sexual compatibility and later marriage for women.

Often, however, not much can be done to change objective circum-stances (if you already have young children, you can’t reverse it or fast forward their development), so the key to maintaining a relationship is your own and your partner’s effort and persistence. The so-called minding model of relationship development focuses not so much on what love consists of, as on how to make it last and grow (Harvey et al., 2004). It identifi es fi ve specifi c components of successful relationships:

• Knowing and being known is about behaviour aimed at learning about each other. It involves questioning and disclosing, knowing about thoughts, feelings, attitudes and past history. What is essen-tial here is a desire to understand the other, rather than just aiming at self-expression. This knowledge, of course, can facilitate the relationship (e.g. he washes up because he knows that his partner hates doing it). However, knowing becomes more challenging as the relationship progresses, because we tend to take what another is saying for granted, thinking that we already know.

• Attributions are the explanations that we make about our partner’s behaviour. What works well is attributing positive behaviour to the character and intentions of the partner (‘He fi nished work earlier to spend time with me’), and attributing negative behaviour to external circumstances (e.g. traffi c jam, heavy day at work), unless proven wrong.

• Acceptance and respect are necessary even (or, perhaps, especially) in an argument: aim to listen to each other respectfully, accept the other’s responses and work out compromises. It’s perfectly healthy

to complain about something specifi c, but not to criticize the whole person. Well-minding couples do not allow negativity to become habitual. They use rewards rather than punishments in arguments, and lots of validation in daily life (Seligman, 2002). Researchers fi nd that happy couples have a ratio of negative to positive exchanges of one to fi ve (Gottman, 1993).

• Reciprocity relates to a sense of equality, when one’s gains are approximately equal to one’s investments. A relationship is working well when nobody is taken advantage of. Distribution of housework can be an example. While it is perfectly okay to take certain roles (for convenience), doing so has to involve respect, recognition and appreciation.

• Continuity. Minding is a process rather than a fi nal destination, thus it requires time and continuity. This process never stops, because a relationship is always developing, adjusting to new infor-mation, changes in personalities and life cycles.

Many argue that successful couples tend to maintain positive illusions about each other (Seligman, 2002). They not only see in their partners what their own friends don’t, they even explain things that are plainly wrong in positive terms (for example, stubbornness can be interpreted as strong beliefs, excessive jealousy as deep love, and so on). Minding theorists disagree with this position, by promoting a strong reality orientation. They believe that the focus on the relationship requires a dialogue about some things that may be painful and one would rather avoid. Addressing faults contributes to the quality of the relationship (Harvey et al., 2004).

While some pain is probably inevitable in all relationships (whether it is an affair, pressures of work and/or family, etc.), successful couples are usually the ones who are able to forgive. Forgiveness or letting go of grudges is an important strength for building good relationships and is closely related to empathy or an ability to understand the feelings of others. Seligman thinks that the value of forgiveness lies in

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acknowledging that someone did you wrong but then removing the

‘sting’. In fact, forgiveness can even transform the experience. There are many empirically validated studies that document the positive effects of forgiveness, including less anger, more optimism and better health (Seligman, 2002). The other essential relationship skill is gratitude, or not taking your partner for granted. The expression of gratitude is associ-ated with happiness, well-being, physical exercise, life satisfaction, opti-mism, enthusiasm and love, with gratitude being a kind of meta-strategy for achieving happiness (described further in the next chapter) (Emmons, 2007).

Love, a highly desirable and pleasurable state of being, is not easy to achieve. This is not only because the right partner is hard to fi nd, but also because maintaining and developing love requires a lot of work. I would like to fi nish this chapter with the words of the humanistic psychologist, Erich Fromm, from his book The Art of Loving, written in 1957 (but as modern now as it was then): ‘Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two’ (Fromm, 1957/1995: 16).

Further reading

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2007). The seven principles for making marriage work.

London: Orion.

Sternberg, R.J. (1988). The triangle of love: Intimacy, passion, commitment.

New York: Basic Books.