•belated response to a gift, favor, invitation, or major event in someone’s life
•billing, credit, or financial errors
•business errors: incorrect information given, order mix-ups, contract misunderstandings, merchandise that is defective, dangerous, inef- fective, damaged, delayed, or that is missing parts, instructions, or warranties
•children’s misbehavior or damage to property/pet •damage to another’s property
•employee problems: rudeness, ineptness, dishonesty, poor service, unsatisfactory work
•failure to keep an appointment, deadline, shipping date, payment schedule, or promise
•insulting or insensitive remarks
•personal errors: giving someone’s name and phone number to a third party without permission, forgetting to include someone in an invit- ation, betraying a secret
•pets that bite, bark, damage property, or are otherwise nuisances •sexual harassment
•tactless, inappropriate, rude, or drunken
behavior 49
50 / HOW TO SAY IT®
How to Say It
•Briefly specify the fault and apologize for it (“I’m so sorry about the damaged book”) or, in the case of a customer complaint, summarize the problem (“I understand you were twice given incorrect informa- tion”). In most cases, use the words “I apologize” or “I am sorry.” •Thank the person for writing or calling or for bringing the problem to your attention.
•When appropriate, convey understanding of the other person’s pos- ition: “I can see how disappointing this must have been”; “You have every right to be upset.”
•Tell what corrective action you’re taking, if appropriate (“I will re- place the shovel”; “A refund check is being sent”), or offer to make amends. Suggest several possible solutions and ask which the person prefers.
•Assure the person this won’t happen again.
•In a business context, end the letter with a forward-looking comment about serving their future needs.
What Not to Say
•Don’t apologize for more than the specific incident. Avoid generaliz- ations about what a klutz you are or how these things always happen to you.
•Don’t be overly dramatic (“You will probably never want to see me again after what I did.” “I wish I were dead after the way I behaved last night.” “I am very, very, very sorry.” “This is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my whole life”). Apologize briefly once instead of apologizing many times in different ways.
•Don’t defend or excuse yourself, justify your actions, or sidestep an apology (“I’m sorry, but I still think I was right”).
If you are going to apologize, do so cheerfully and wholeheartedly. “A stiff apology is a second insult.” (G.K. Chesterton) Ethicist Jeremy Iggers says an apology must be made unilaterally.
When we begin to stray into the area of what the other person did to us, we lose the ethical base of making an apology. Whatever anyone did to us is a separate matter from whatever mistake we made.
•Don’t imply that the other person is at fault. Some people’s apologies read like accusations. In business, it is probably better not to write than to insinuate that the customer is at fault. With some ingenuity, you can express regret without accepting responsibility for a situation that is not entirely your
fault. When the other person is partly respons- ible, apologize only for your share of it. Don’t mention anything else. •Don’t blame the computer. By now everyone knows that some human had its fingerprints all over the guilty computer; this patently untrue
HOW TO SAY IT® / 51
excuse only irritates people. And don’t say that these things are bound to happen from time to time. Although this may be true, it makes you look careless.
•Don’t admit negligence in writing. If negligence is a factor, consult with your attorney, who can suggest the best approach for your letter.
In his article, “Saying You’re Sorry in a Litigious Society” (in The
In-ternational Journal of Medicine and Law, no. 7/8, 1992), Ralph Slovenko
advises doctors to be careful about how they sympathize on a pa- tient’s death. An expression of sympathy at a funeral, for example, “could lead to an utterance which, in the hands of a skillful lawyer, might be turned into an admission of wrongdoing.”
Tips on Writing
0• Write as soon as possible. Procrastination turns writing an apology into a major effort and you end up apologizing twice, once for the in- fraction and once for the delay.
1• Sometimes there are mitigating circumstances—for example, a shipment delayed because of a strike or flu
outbreak. At other times, however, explanations weaken your apology—when, for example, you try to explain why you were rude or why a child said something tactless but truthful.
Special Situations
0• Parents of a child who annoys or hurts others or damages property write a note of apology. However, the child should also apologize in some age-appropriate manner. The adult’s note might say, “Of course, Drusilla will want to apologize to you herself.”
1• Employees apologizing to their boss for work-related errors or behavior provide a written, detailed account of what happened because their boss most likely reports to another higher-up and will need all relevant information.
2• The problem of sexual harassment has become
increasingly visible and is no longer categorized as “just fooling around” or “having a good sense of humor.” Making sexual remarks, threats, innuendoes, or passes is illegal. Anything that can be construed as sexual harass- ment requires a heartfelt apology that shows that the offender has some real (as opposed to expedient) understanding of what was done.
The apology may not avert a company reprimand or even legal action, but then again it might. In any case, an apology is owed to anyone who has been sexually harassed. In addition to exhibiting contrition, the offender should promise not to repeat the behavior. Individuals being sued for sexual harassment are generally repeat offenders who
52 / HOW TO SAY IT®
still don’t understand how unacceptable their actions were. Few people will pursue a first-time offender who didn’t fully realize the harm done and who is now contrite and reformed.
0• The apology may have a special place in customer relations. “Two words will get you through many bad times in the business world:
I’m sorry.” (Mary A. De Vries) A well-written apology for a business
problem can make a satisfied customer out of an unsatisfied one. Sometimes you may add a refund, discount, free pass, or other material apology for your customer’s inconvenience.
When writing an apology to a customer, end with a positive statement: “We look forward to continuing to serve you” or
“We value your patronage and your friendship.”
Format
0• Use personal stationery or notecards for apologies dealing with social situations. A few greeting cards charmingly or
amusingly say “I’m sorry,” but you still need to add a handwritten message.
1• Use business stationery for all apologies to customers, clients, and suppliers. If, however, the situation has personal overtones (a manager has publicly slighted someone or a supervisor has unjustly docked someone’s pay), the apology might be handwritten on business-per- sonal stationery.
2• Routine apologies (shipping delays, out-of-stock merchandise) are handled with a form letter.
3• An e-mailed apology would probably not be the most persuasive, unless you needed to get the apology to the other person immediately and the telephone wasn’t an option.
WORDS
a b s e n t - ill-advised misleading repay
mindedly
accidental imperfect misprint responsi
acknowledge imprudent misquote blerestitutio
admit inaccurate mistaken nrestore
awkward inadequate
compensate inconsiderate omitted tactless
HOW TO SAY IT® / 53
distressed inconvenience overlooked thoughtle ( ss
disturbed incorrect pardon unaware
embarrassed insufficient rectify unfortuna
erroneous irresponsible red-faced teunhappy
error lax redo unintentio
excuse miscalculation regrettable nalunsatisfac explain misconception reimburse toryunsound
failure misconstrued remiss unwarrant
fault misinterpreted repair edunwise
PHRASES
absolutely no excuse for accept the blame for admit that I was wrong angry with myself
appreciate your calling our attention
avoid this in the future breach of good manners correct the situation express my regret feel
sorry/terrible/bad about to
asleep at the wheel/on the job/ at the switch
I am not excusing our/my errors,
how can I apologize for I am most upset about presumed where I shouldn’t have but
I am so sorry for presumed I don’t know how it happened that I have thoroughly investigated/ looked into the matter and
I’m sorry you were dissatisfied with it was embarrassing to
regret/apologize sorely regret
sorry for the
inconvenience/confu-to
I was distressed to hear/read/ discover/learn that
mix-up/misunderstanding the least I can do is
to compensate for under the mistaken impression that
54 / HOW TO SAY IT®
much to my regret my
apologies for any inconvenience owe you an apology for
please accept my/our apology/ apologies for
until you are completely satisfied weighs on my mind we regret to inform our customers that
you were entirely right about
SENTENCES
driveway, I want you to know how sorry we are and to assure you that it won’t happen again.
As you rightly pointed out, a mistake has been made on your July bill. I am extremely embarrassed about my behavior last night.
I am sincerely/very sorry.
I apologize for Jimmy’s behavior.
I can only hope you will forgive this serious lapse of good taste on my part. I don’t blame you for being upset.
I don’t like being on the outs with you, particularly since it was my fault. I hope this situation can be mended to everyone’s satisfaction.
I’m sorry for telling everyone in the office your good news before you could tell them—I don’t know what I was thinking.
I’m sorry you were treated so disparagingly by the salesclerk.
I only realized later how insulting my remarks might have appeared.
I understand how disappointed you must have been to receive only half your order.
I’ve taken steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen again.
I was totally out of line this morning when I insisted on knowing what your
salary is—I can only hope you will forgive my poor taste and insensitivity. My face gets red every time I remember that night.
Please accept my apology for the oversight.
Please excuse my
inattention/shortsightedness/thoughtlessness. Please forgive me.
Thank you for advising us of this error/for bringing the matter to my atten- tion.
Thank you for your letter of July 15 telling us about the unfortunate remark made by one of the security guards.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
This will not, of course, happen again.
HOW TO SAY IT® / 55
We apologize for the delay—it is unfortunately unavoidable.
We are sorry/apologize for any embarrassment this has caused you. We look forward to continuing to serve you.
We owe you an apology.
We were caught napping on this one.
You were right, I was wrong, and I’m sorry.
PARAGRAPHS
We are unable to deliver the spring fabric samples by the date prom- ised. The product supervisor promises me that you will have them by January 5. If this is unsatisfactory, please telephone me. It isn’t often we have to renege on a delivery date, and we’re not happy about it. Please accept our apologies for the delay.
Please accept our apologies for what’s recently happened at your house. We’re all working hard to find other homes for the bunnies.
When Hillel assured you that both bunnies were female, he relied on the green- striped ribbons they wore around their necks. None of us knew that a four-year-old neighbor had switched a green-striped ribbon for a yellow polka-dotted ribbon that the male rabbits were wearing. I know this doesn’t make up to you for what you’ve been through, but I thought you should know that our intentions were good. Again, we’re sorry and we’ll let you know as soon as we’ve found ten good homes.
We were sorry to hear that the track lighting fixture you ordered was defective, as described in your letter of April 29. Please return it to us using its original mailing box and the enclosed label, and we will send you a replacement by return mail. All Midlothian merchandise is inspec- ted twice before leaving the factory, but with a recent 45% increase in production, we have a few rough spots to work out yet. I’m sorry that you were inconvenienced, and hope that you will continue to use our fine Midlothian products—products that we proudly back with our full- service Midlothian guarantee.
It occurred to me in a dream, or maybe it was in the shower, that you had asked for the return of your baby books some time ago.
I suppose the friend’s child has gone off to college by now. I’m sorry for the tardi- ness—they’re in today’s mail.
We erroneously mailed you the same order you placed last month. This month’s order has been sent this morning, and we’ve marked the box plainly with AUGUST written in large red letters. If you will please refuse acceptance of the first box, the carrier will bring it back to us. We apologize for the error.
We were sorry to hear that the last neon tetras you bought from
us were infected with ich and subsequently infected your entire aquarium. As tropical fish enthusiasts ourselves, we appreciate how devastating
56 / HOW TO SAY IT®
this has been. I immediately spoke to our supplier about the problem, and she has assured me this was an isolated slip-up. In the meantime, please restock your aquarium at our expense.
Thank you for your under- standing. I hope you will continue to be one of our most valued custom- ers.
SAMPLE LETTERS
Dear Dorothea,
I feel dreadful about ruining your lovely luncheon yesterday by ar- guing with Celia about Will Ladislaw. You certainly did everything you could to save the situation, and I apologize most humbly for ignoring good taste, old friendship, and common sense in pursuing a “discussion” that was completely inappropriate.
I talked to Celia first thing this morning and attempted to mend my fences there, but I feel a great deal worse about what I did to
you. The
luncheon was delicious, and the first two hours were delightful. I hope
you will someday be able to forgive me for blighting the last half-hour. Your friend,
Dear Mr. Ravenal:
As editor of the Cotton Blossom newsletter, I want to apologize for omitting your name in the last issue. Captain Hawks asked me how I could have possibly forgotten to include our hottest new actor! In proofreading the copy, my eyes failed to notice that your name wasn’t where my brain expected it to be. I’m sorry. A correction will appear in the next issue.
Regretfully, Dear Hsiao-Wei,
I apologize for not showing up at the meeting this afternoon.
Although there is no excuse for such a thing, I will say that I was involved in an automobile accident on the way to work and what with filling out forms, notifying my insurance company, and arranging for a rental car, I com- pletely forget about the meeting.
Can we reschedule for this Thursday, same time? Thanks—and again, I’m sorry.
Regards, Dear Merton Denscher,
Thank you for your letter of March 19. I am sorry that the background research I submitted was unusable. A careful re-reading of your instruc- tions showed me at once where I’d gone wrong. I do apologize.
HOW TO SAY IT® / 57
With your permission, I would like to resubmit the work—this time correctly. I believe I can get it to you by the end of next week since I am already familiar with the relevant sources for your topic.
Please let me know at once if you prefer me not to go ahead. Sincerely,
Dear Annette,
I must beg your forgiveness for my outspoken and insensitive remarks last night about your religious convictions. I’m afraid I got carried away in the heat of the discussion. I certainly feel that each of us has a right to our own beliefs, and I in no way meant to belittle yours.
I would be happy if you would accept an invitation to dinner at my house on Saturday, August 3, at 7:00 p.m. I’m just having a few friends, most of whom you know.
Hoping to see you then, I am
Yours truly,
See also: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS, ADJUSTMENTS, BELATED, COM- PLAINTS, RESPONSES, SENSITIVE.