Planeación, definición de prioridades de gasto y criterios de

I put the piece of paper down and look at it, scared. I look at Avantika … my mind throws up nothing. There is darkness in front of my eyes. This didn’t just happen, did it?

‘But …’

Avantika says, ‘This came in the courier minutes before you came. I have been calling on his number. It’s switched off. I have tried his landline too. No one’s answering that phone either.’

I’m not crying, but I’m close. Did I lead a man to his death? He wouldn’t have known had I not been stupid and followed the clues from the diary. He would’ve lived. At least for a few days more.

‘But who sent you this?’ I say. ‘If he committed …?’

I frantically grab the envelope from the table and see the person it’s from.

Ritam Dey

56/A, Karkol Apartments Santa Cruz, Mumbai +91-9826784334

It’s his name, address and number. How did he send the letter then, if he was dying when he wrote the last note? Horrifying images of Ritam lying dead in his own vomit and blood engulf my head. Questions flood my brain and I find no answers to them. There has to be a reason behind this. I hope this is not a prank by Ritam. But Ritam is not a person who would do such a thing. Why would he say that his sister died? But …

‘Who couriered us then?’ I ask, still horrified at what I just read. ‘I have no idea,’ she says.

‘But even the handwriting is his!’ I exclaim as I try his number on the side. My head is spinning. Avantika looks at me and says nothing. I keep trying his phone but the phone is switched off. I have started to panic now. Finally I call up Shrey.

‘Shrey? Where are you?’ ‘Office. Why?’ he asks.

‘Can you come home? It’s urgent.’ ‘Now? What happened?’ he asks.

‘Can you just be here? And call Tiya too.’ ‘I called her. She didn’t pickup my call.’

‘Fine, I will call her. Just fucking reach as fast as possible.’ ‘But what happened? Tell me,’ he asks.

‘Ritam is dead,’ I say and disconnect the call.

He sends me a text saying he will be there in twenty. Avantika is equally scared. I ask her to call Tiya and she does so.

‘Let’s wait for Shrey to come,’ I say and try the number again. I am hoping against hope that someone picks up. I pace around the room in anxiety, and Avantika sits nervously on the couch. Her legs are shaking and her hands have gone cold.

The bell rings.

‘I will get that,’ I say and open the door. It’s Shrey. And Tiya.

‘What the fuck is going on?’ Shrey comes in with Tiya and stares at us.

Avantika hands over the envelope to them, ‘This reached us just a while ago.’

They take the crumpled piece of paper out from the envelope and start reading it. They read it and momentarily look at us with horror in their eyes. They read it again.

‘Who sent this?’ Shrey asks, shocked. Tiya’s eyes are still stuck on the envelope. ‘The handwriting on the envelope is his,’ I say.

We all sit down. We have nothing to say. Tiya is still reading it over and over again. She is teary- eyed.

‘Deb and I should go and check it out?’ Shrey says. ‘Mumbai?’ Tiya asks.

‘This is so fucked up,’ Shrey says. ‘What will change even if we go there?’ ‘Maybe he is not dead,’ Tiya says, with forced optimism in her voice. ‘Maybe,’ Avantika adds. ‘I never imagined that he would do such a thing.’

‘No, you did. We all did. Didn’t you look at his face that day? Maybe Nivedita was the only reason for which he was still living?’ Shrey argues.

It looks like a curse. Ragini. Nivedita. Ritam. All dead. We are speechless and distraught. I had never seen life being so unfair to someone. It’s horrible. I understand Ritam’s pain. It must have been unbearable. But killing himself? It’s easy to say it’s unjustified, but it’s hard to understand how

difficult it must be for that person.

Ritam had become much more than the dead guy from the diary. At least to me, he had grown to be a very good friend. I didn’t talk to him every day, but I have been writing his story for months now. I literally spend hours with him every day. I might not have been close to him, but he was close to me. I had started living his life, seeing things like he did, reading and rereading his diary over and over again; I had started to even think like him.

I don’t know how the others feel about Ritam’s death, but his loss is an irreparable blow to me. Even as Avantika and Tiya talk in whispers that he might be dead and the police or whoever found the envelope must have couriered it, I still don’t believe that he’s dead. For me, Ritam’s had one of the strongest hearts I have ever seen. Yes, death changes a lot, but I had just not foreseen this. I am

angrier than I am sad. How can he do this to himself? Our lives were connected with his. Couldn’t he have lived for all the lives he touched every day? Was it that difficult for him? At certain levels, we are responsible too … especially me. I could have saved him. I should have saved him. Why didn’t I fully understand what he was going through? As I sit in denial staring at everyone’s face, my phone rings repeatedly. I ignore the call.

The phone rings again. It’s an unknown number. I reject the call. The phone rings again. I reject it again. And again.

‘You should take that!’ Shrey says, irritated at my ringtone. ‘Fine,’ I say.

I wait for the phone to ring again. It rings again and I pick it up.

‘Hi Deb,’ the voice says. It’s a familiar voice. What? No! Is it? Fuck! ‘Umm … huh? Who’s this?’

‘Ritam. You forgot me?’

‘Ohh. NO. Are you crazy? No. Hi … Ritam …’

I cover the phone with my hand and shout to the others, ‘IT’S RITAM!’ I put the phone on loudspeaker and we all huddle up near it.

‘Yes, I am Ritam. I know why you’re surprised. But don’t worry, I am Ritam. I am in Delhi,’ he says.

‘Delhi? We received your note by courier. What was that …?’ I ask him.

It’s a strange feeling to know that he’s alive. One part of me feels highly relieved. The other part is angry and wants to fucking punch him through the phone. Though most of all, I am intrigued. What’s wrong with this diary? First he sends us across the country to find his girlfriend? And now this?

‘It’s a long story,’ he says.

After reading what he had been through in the note we just read, he sounds surprisingly cheerful. ‘What does that mean? You fucking killed us here! Why are you in Delhi?’ I ask. ‘How long are you here?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t plan on going back to Mumbai,’ he says. ‘As in? Got transferred?’ I ask.

‘I am at Ragini’s place,’ he says.

All of us look at each other, bewildered. ‘Ragini’s place?’

‘Yes …’

I don’t know how to react. A part of me tells me he has gone crazy. He was on medication as that note said. I think he is losing it.

‘Ragini … she’s alive,’ Ritam says.

‘What? Now I’m sure of it. I start to feel sorry for him. He has lost it. has lost it.

‘Yes, she’s alive! You should meet her. She really wants to meet you. All of you,’ he says. ‘Ritam … you’re joking, right?’ I ask.

He’s going crazy, we all think. I don’t say anything. We look at each other and are speechless at Ritam’s nonsense.

‘I am serious, Deb. I will text you the address,’ he says. ‘Please come. I need to go now. I am leaving Delhi tonight for a few days. Please be here soon. And please get Avantika, Shrey and Tiya too.’

‘Ritam …?’

‘I really have to go. I will text you the address,’ he says and before I can say anything, he disconnects the call.

only is he alive, but he says Ragini is alive too? Something is grossly wrong. And my guess is that it’s his head.

‘He has lost his mind,’ Shrey says. ‘I guess,’ I say.

The phone buzzes. It’s an East Delhi address, a two-hour drive from my place in peak traffic. Are you guys coming too?’ Shrey looks at Avantika and Tiya.

‘Obviously,’ they echo.

We get into Shrey’s car and he drives as fast as he can, but the traffic slows him down. I am still not sure what’s going on, so I call on the number Ritam called me from. He picks up, talks normally and asks us to reach as soon as possible. He sounds normal … and it’s strange. The pieces don’t fit at all. I want to ask him if Ragini is really alive but I don’t. I am totally confused. We tell each other that everything is going to be just fine, though we are really scared.

No one is talking in the car, but Avantika notices the distance between Tiya and Shrey.

‘This car brings some strange memories back, doesn’t it?’ Avantika says. We all nod. ‘Is there something wrong between the two of you?’

‘Who? Us? Tiya asks. ‘No! Nothing.’

‘They haven’t been talking for the last three months. Shrey has been calling her but she doesn’t pick up his calls. So, Shrey thinks why bother? He doesn’t call her at all now,’ I blurt out.

‘Thank you,’ Shrey says.

‘Why don’t you pick up his calls?’ Avantika asks Tiya. ‘We have nothing to talk about,’ Tiya says.

‘He doesn’t call you to talk to you, Tiya. Shrey calls you to tell you that you’re the only thing he ever thinks about. He has wanted to tell you that for the last three months. He has not been able to concentrate on anything because you’re not there in his life and he misses you like crazy. Basically, he loves you and he can’t do without you,’ I say.

‘Deb!’ Shrey says, shocked.

‘I warned you. Either you tell her or I will.’

‘B … but Shrey never said that to me …’ Tiya says, her voice faltering. ‘Because she never gave me a chance,’ Shrey says.

‘A chance? The moment we reached Delhi, I told him that we don’t have a future together and he had nothing to say. He said he liked me and the decision was mine to make. How could it be my decision? It was about us. And he never said anything. He was least interested,’ Tiya says.

‘You guys can talk to each other, right?’ Avantika says. ‘I thought you didn’t want to be with me?’ Shrey says. ‘Why would I not? I love you. I always have.’

‘I love you too, Tiya. But why did you say that we shouldn’t be together?’

‘You weren’t serious about me. Any time I said something like I love you, you never noticed it. You would just shrug and talk about something else. I thought I was one of those many girls that Deb told me whom you date and forget. I didn’t want to be one of them.’

‘You were special. You are special,’ Shrey says.

And I have to tell you that this is a day of shocks. As if Ritam and Ragini supposedly being alive wasn’t enough, Shrey has tears in his eyes. For a girl. So does Tiya. They tell each other how much they love each other and how painful the last three months have been. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to destroy your chance at true love, and how getting it to last forever is even easier. People just don’t see it.

Avantika holds my hand and says, ‘You’re the best thing.’ I smile at her and say, ‘I love you.’

With that out of the way, and an hour still to go to reach the place where Ritam has asked us to come, the mystery just keeps building up. No one has anything to say. Finally, we reach the address.

‘Seems like this is it?’ I say.

We get down from the car outside a one-storey house, decent-looking and well maintained. Tiya rings the bell and we wait. Shrey and Tiya are holding hands.

‘This is so screwed up,’ Shrey says.

I am kind of scared about what we will have to see now. A little later, we see a door opening.

Ritam! We see him walking towards us. He looks good. And really not dead. He is smiling as he

walks up to us. We are almost shocked to see him all right. It even scares me a little. Has he gone completely mad? Is that why he is smiling so much? The note said he was a living corpse. But he looks better than how he had looked when we had met in Mumbai. Somehow, seeing him in person feels like someone just lifted a boulder off my chest. He doesn’t look crazy. He looks just fine …

Normal.

‘Hey!’ he says and smiles at us.

‘Hey, long time,’ I say. I can’t believe we’re making small talk. ‘Yeah, how’s the book going?’ he asks.

‘Good,’ I say.

‘Ritam, are you okay?’ Avantika asks.

‘Never better,’ he says and flashes a charming smile. ‘Why don’t you guys come in?’

We nod and he makes us sit in the drawing room. It’s a well-decorated house with pink curtains, blue sofas, aromatic candles, and is lined with photo frames and flower vases. Just like I had

imagined …

‘Coffee?’ he asks.

We shake our heads but he orders the maid to get coffee for all of us. ‘Then what the fuck was the note all about?’ Tiya asks, exasperated. He starts to grin a little.

‘You better stop fucking around, Ritam. You had us scared,’ Avantika says. ‘I am sorry for that.’

‘We are still waiting for an explanation,’ Shrey says.

‘Okay When Nivedita passed away, I did try to kill myself. So what you read in the note did

happen,’ he says. His eyes look sad when he takes his sister’s name. But there is a kind of happiness on his face too.

‘You did? So the note is real?’ Avantika asks. ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I took the first injection.’ ‘And?’

‘I passed out before I could take the second,’ he says, embarrassed and relieved at the same time. ‘Then?’ we echo.

‘So, I didn’t die. I woke up many hours later, coughing and bleeding. It was horrible. A few

neighbours got me admitted in a nearby hospital. I was there for a week before I was discharged,’ he says.

I am glad he is alive, though somewhere I had wished that the Nivedita part was a lie too, but it is not.

‘Then why did you send me the note?’ I ask.

‘Since you were writing about me, I thought I should send you that. I didn’t want to scare you guys. I called you up to say that I had couriered something and explain what had happened. I called you a few times and couldn’t reach you. So I thought, since I was anyway coming to Delhi, I would

personally tell you guys. There was already so much on my mind,’ he says. ‘Don’t ever do that again!’ Avantika says. ‘It was stupid.’

‘I know.’

And Ragini? She is dead, right?’ Tiya asks. She is growing impatient by the minute. ‘She is not,’ he says and smiles.

‘She is not?’ Avantika asks.

Ritam shakes his head. ‘When I woke up in the hospital bed and the doctors told me that I was very lucky to be alive, I started thinking. Maybe there was someone who wanted me to live. Maybe it was Nivedita. May be Ragini. They wanted me to live a fulfilling life which they couldn’t. Or that’s what I thought. Anyway, from that moment on, I banished all thoughts of killing myself. I resolved that I

would sort out my issues and emerge stronger. I was sure Nivedita and Ragini both would have wanted me to live.’

‘And us,’ Tiya says and smiles. He smiles back. ‘How could you fucking forget us?’

‘And yes, you guys. So, I called up Ragini’s home in London. The people I had called when you were in Mumbai? The ones who told me that her parents had to go back to India because of the death of their daughter?’

‘Yes, I remember.’ Shrey says and we nod.

‘I took Ragini’s parents’ number from them. It took me three days to muster up the courage to call them. But when I did, I was in for a shock,’ he says with a smile.

‘What? Ragini is alive!’ Avantika exclaims.

‘Exactly,’ he says and smiles at us. ‘She is sleeping in the other room right now or I would have introduced you guys to her. But later maybe.’

‘You’re not kidding, right?’ Avantika asks. ‘No! Why would I?’ he says.

Needless to say, I am stunned. I am too confused and too happy to say anything.

Ritam has gone crazy.

‘Sure,’ he says, ‘Come with me.’

We all get up. My heart starts to pump furiously. Whatever has happened since day one flashes before my eyes. It’s so strange. Ragini is not dead? I walk right beside Ritam and he takes us to the adjacent room. I am sweating and I feel I’ll pass out from the anticipation. He creaks open the door. My eyes dart around the room to spot Ragini. The girl from the diary. The girl we searched for across the country. The girl we thought was alive when she was dead. And alive when we thought she was dead.

We finally see her. There is she, lying on the bed. I have seen her pictures by now. Ritam had sent me some a month back, but she looks nothing like that. She is barely recognizable. Her skin is not the pale colour that I saw in the pictures. Her hands are not smooth like a small kid’s. Her hair is not the black cascading waves that Ritam had described them to be and I had seen in the pictures. I wonder if it’s even her. I look at her intently as we go close to her. Yes, it is her. Her eyes are exactly like what I had seen. It is Ragini, in front of us, finally.

Ragini is in a single, long, white robe that covers most of her. The skin on her body is a strange tinge of pink and black. It’s the same, on her hands, her face, her toes, everywhere. Her hair, where