During the course of the women’s HE studies, children’s relationships with their fathers in seven families were transformed and changed. This was raised by seven of the women and two of the men. This stemmed from an increase in the amount of time fathers spent with their children, changed interactions and transformed parenting styles by the men. These changes were brought about by the women relying on their husbands for additional support with childcare in order to give them additional time to study at home or attend college.
Prior to HE, the women were positioned as the main carers for their children and saw
themselves as being emotionally available and accessible to their children. The women did not believe that parenting was an equally weighted and shared role between themselves and their husbands. The women spoke about choosing part time work so that they fulfilled their perceived role as mothers. It is unclear whether this was self imposed positioning, or whether it was positioning by others, such as by their husbands or societal expectations. During the course of the HE programme, roles in childcare altered for many of the couples:
They [children] all know that I am busy now and not available all of the time and not expected to be there for everybody all of the time, whereas it was always mum, whatever time, and they know now that it’s not always me but its dad and that’s got to be equally acceptable because he is perfectly capable and willing. (Maggie)
This shows a shift in how Maggie viewed her role as a mother, when compared to her comments about being a mother prior to HE study:
It’s kind of like I do whatever is needed for my kids. (Maggie)
A change in position and perspective of what it is to be a mother was also apparent in Christina and Betty’s account:
As a mother I ran around after my children, like you do …. It’s actually been sometimes [during HE) where Dominic [husband] had to take over and I think
104
he’s quite enjoyed it. They [children] have always had good relationship with their dad but I think they have almost benefitted more, definitely…. I think he has changed in thinking further ahead. (Christina)
It’s me that’s been the one to sort everything out, so it’s up to me to kind of organise everyone [before HE]. When Lloyd [husband] started spending more time with the children they wanted to … be with him more and they were happy … really positive for the relationship, definitely. (Betty)
The end result was that eight husbands, the children’s fathers, provided more practical support. The women discussed friction for some families as there were arguments about who was responsible for what. The change in roles had to be negotiated between the women and their husbands:
In year one there was a lot of friction definitely and we were both tussling over who gets time and who has to have the children. (Angelina)
Through giving this practical support, emotional support from the fathers followed too.
My husband has taken over, he’s upped the game and he almost is thinking about it more because he’s had to [supporting the children if they have a problem to be resolved], because I haven’t always been there and he’s been the first point of call so that’s worked (Christina)
Through fathers thinking ahead regarding providing for their children’s needs, through enjoying the additional time with their children, relationships had the potential to be enhanced and transformed between the children and their dads. Knowing that the children were receiving emotional and practical support from the fathers and that they were safe and happy did not completely alleviate the guilt. It gave the women a different type of guilt than seen in Chapter 5.2.4; guilt of not being fully focused on the family:
I do feel guilty as although I am in the house I am not really there … I feel guilty when I know that they [children and husband] are either sat at home not doing anything fun because I am working or they’ve gone out to do something fun and I’m not with them. (Kim)
Although the women felt guilty that they were not there, they also experienced jealousy as their identity strand of being a mother could be construed as being threatened or taken over by their husbands. Previously the women had been responsible for organising and participating in the children’s activities; stepping back from this role gave them mixed emotions. As identified by Parrott (2003), emotions can play a key part in positioning, particularly as they are linked to the
105
duties and obligations played out in social life. This is a conflict of identity, as on the one hand they wanted to be a certain type of mother and on the other hand they wanted to achieve well in their HE studies therefore a contradiction in the duties and obligations of being both a mother and a HE student. The women discussed a tension in identity and conflict between competing strands and demands of being a mother and HE student as their previous assumptions of identity were challenged. To resolve this conflict and minimise these feelings, some students took HE work with them so that they could attend children’s sporting events with their children and study (thus blurring the edges between mother and student identity strand). Some worked less hours (in their part time job) to study whilst their children were at school thus freeing up time outside of school hours with their children and some just accepted it:
When they had football, what I should have done was stay at home and study but they wanted me to watch, so I went and I would read a book, whilst I was waiting in the 15 minute gap. (Maggie)
I just felt constantly guilty so I dropped some of my hours [paid work] so I could create study time whilst they were at school. (Angelina)
At the weekend with the children, yes, he [husband] will take them out, I feel terrible because I can’t go, but the kids seem to have a great time and they don’t seem to worry… I think I have just learned that’s how it is sometimes … (Heidi)
6.2.3 Transformations to the husbands’ parenting practices as a result of their wives’ HE