Voice Dialogue separates the Ego from the Controller/Protector and the entourage of sub-personalities that work with this dominant energy pattern. Remember control is one of the hiding places for shame-based people. Developing the Protector/Controlling sub-personality is
universal for all people. It was developed to take care of the vulnerable child. In shame-based people the Protector/Controller is rigidly identified with Ego. The Protector/Controller energy pattern is the Boss. The Boss works with other sub-personalities like the Pusher, the
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Critic, the Perfectionist, Power Brokers and Pleasers. Any of these sub-personalities can exist separately or they can be part of a general Protertor/Controller pattern. This will vary from one person to the next.
When any one sub-personality begins to take over the function of Ego, the facilitator will point out this takeover. He will ask the subject to move to another physical space and will engage this sub-personality directly in dialogue. In this way the Ego becomes more and more differentiated, i.e., becomes a more aware Ego.
What it means is that we begin to be aware of all the hiding places of shame. The Protector/Controller, the Critic, the Perfectionist, are what I've called the masks of the false self. They are a false self in the sense that the Ego is identified with them. To see that these parts or sub-personalities were frozen in order to survive the shame we've internalized is to realize that these parts are not who we essentially are.
We make no judgment that they are bad parts. They are simply parts, not the whole of us.
3. Enhancement of Awareness
The most crucial part of Voice Dialogue is Awareness. The context of voice dialogue provides a physical space for each sub-personality, the Ego who coordinates and executes for Awareness. The physical space of awareness is separate from the other two. It is a point where one can witness and review all that is going on in a nonjudgmental way.
Awareness is not about decisions or action. Nothing is to be changed.
Awareness is the still point where everything is noted and accepted. In awareness one clearly observes the drama played out by the sub-personalities in relation to the Ego.
One cannot do Voice Dialogue alone. In the beginning, one needs a facilitator. Actually it is a mutual process and a joint venture. The facilitator and the subject cooperate in the search for the sub-personalities and in the attempt to understand their functions. As one becomes more adept at facilitation, his sensitivity to changing energy patterns is more highly developed. This means that his awareness is in a constant state of expansion.
(Anyone finding this work interesting can contact Doctors Stone and Winkelman, P.O. Box 604, Albion, California 95410-0604. The book Embracing Our Selves can be ordered from the same address.)
What you can do for yourself is the following exercise. I have adapted it from the work of Hal Stone and Sidra Winkelman. I call the exercise "Making peace with all your villagers". This title was suggested by the Reverend Mike Falls, the Episcopal Chaplain at Stephen F. Austin College in Nacogdoches, Texas.
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MAKING PEACE WITH ALL YOUR VILLAGERS
1. Think of people you dislike. Rank order them according to the intensity of your feelings. The number one person being the most reprehensible and the most worthy of contempt. Write a line or two under each person specifically outlining the character and moral defects that repel you.
2. Read over each name on your list. Pause and reflect on the reprehensible aspects of that person. Be aware of your own feelings as you do this. Which one trait brings out your feeling of righteousness and goodness most intensely?
3- Reduce the people to their one most reprehensible character trait. For example on my list:
a. Joe Slunk — Grandiose egomaniac
b. Gwenella Farboduster — Aggressive and rude
c. Maximillian Quartz — Hypocrite (Pretends to help people; does it for the money.)
d. Farquahr Evenhouser — Uses Christian facade to cover-up phoniness
e. Rothghar Pieopia — A wimp; has no mind of his own
4. Each of these personality traits represent one of your disowned parts — an energy pattern that you do not want to integrate into your life under any circumstances. You have now externalized a personality trait that you disown.
5. Every disowned part has an opposite energy with which your Protector/Controller is identified. It takes lots of energy to keep this part disowned. This explains the intense energy we feel about our enemies. Hal Stone compares this energy to a dam that has been built to stop the flow of this energy. Behind the dam there is an accumulation of dirty water and all kinds of debris. It is important to integrate this energy and use it more creatively.
Ask yourself this question about each person on your list. How is this person my teacher? What can I learn by listening to this person? This person whom you feel averse toward can help you look at the parts of you that you are overidentified with.
On my list Joe helps me to see that I'm overidentified with being humble. In my case it is really more like appearing humble. Gwenella helps me to see that I'm overidentified with people-pleasing.
Maximillian helps me see that I'm overidentified with being a total helper without wanting anything in return. Such helping is inhuman. It's a product of toxic shame trying to be more than human. Farquahr helps
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me see that I'm overidentified with having to be a perfect Christian (which at times keeps me from being one at all) and Rothgahr helps me to see that I'm overidentified with my "be strong" driver. Being strong is a way I try to be more than human — refusing to accept normal human weakness. This is the way I reject my healthy shame.
6. As you go through your list — talk to the disowned part directly. Ask it what it thinks. Ask it how it would change your life if you owned it. Let this part talk to you. Listen to what it has to say. See the world through its perspective. Feel any new energy that it brings you. It's bound to be a source of new ideas. Maybe it can offer new solutions to old problems. "After all," Sidra Winkelman writes, "its views have never been available before."
You may be surprised at the new energy you receive from this exercise.
You are bringing a part of you out of hiding and secrecy. You are turning your shadow into light. You do not have to become the disowned self. That would be doing the same thing you did before — identifying with one part to the exclusion of another. In this exercise you learn to speak to and listen to a shamed and disowned part of you. By so doing, you free up an energy that has been bound in shame.
T h e Parts Party
The Work Of Virginia Satir
Perhaps no one has done more pioneering work in healing toxic shame than Virginia Satir. I remember the first time I saw her work with a family.
Her validation and nurturing of each person was something to behold. As she performed her mighty minoring, I could see each person accept herself a little better. As that happened, the family moved closer together. The work was so beautiful, I actually wept while watching her work.
In her book, Your Many Faces, Virginia presents the core theory of a technique that is used by therapists all over the country. It is commonly called the Parts Party. I've seen this exercise adapted in various ways by different schools of therapy. In what follows I will give you my own variation of this very powerful exercise. My belief is that this work is best done with a group of people. It has more impact. I would especially recommend the work done by Joe Cruse and Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.
The Parts Party Meditation
Exercise — Put the following instructions on your tape recorder.
Close your eyes . . . Let your mind focus on your breathing. Spend two or three minutes just becoming mindful of your breathing. As you breathe in
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and out, begin to see the number seven appear on a screen. It can be a black number seven on a white screen or a white number seven on a black screen.
Focus on the number seven. If you can't see it clearly, imagine that you finger paint it or hear a voice say seven in your mind's ear, or do all three if you can. Then see, finger paint, hear, the number six; then five; then four, etc., down to the number one. As you focus on the number one, let it slowly turn into a stage door and see it slowly open. Walk through the stage door and see a beautiful little theater. Look at the walls and the stage . . . (pause).
Look at the closed curtain (pause). Sit down in a front row seat and feel the fabric of the seat . . . Make it your favorite fabric. Feel it as you sit down. Get comfortable . . . (pause) . . . Look around again and make this theater be any way you want it to be. Then see the curtain beginning to open . . . Let yourself feel the excitement that goes with such an opening. As the curtain opens see a large sign covering the wall of the stage. It reads The (put your name) Parts Review. Think of some part of yourself that you really like and see some famous person or someone you know well who represents that part walk out on the stage. I like my humor and I see Johnny Carson walk out . . . Hear a sounding applause. Then think of another part of you that you really like and repeat the process. I like my charismatic speaking ability and my honesty and I see John F. Kennedy walk onto the stage. Repeat this until five people are on the right hand side of the stage. Then think of a part of yourself you don't like and see that part walk onto the stage as personified by a famous person or someone you know. I don't like my sloppiness and disorganization and I see a very unkempt friend of mine walk onto the stage.
Hear a resounding boo as if there was an audience there. Then think of another part that you don't like. I don't like the part of me that is cowardly and afraid and I see a person whom I imagine to be Judas Iscariot walk onto the stage. Finally, after five parts you hate or dislike or reject are standing on the left side of the stage, imagine that a wise and beautiful person walks to the center of the stage. This person can look like an old man with a beard or a radiant youth like Jesus or a warm nurturing mother or whatever . . . Just let your wise person appear . . . Then see her walking off the stage and coming to get you . . . As she approaches, notice whatever strikes you about her . . . Then hear her invite you to come up on the stage and review your many parts. Walk around each person who represents a part of you; look her in the face. How does each part help you? How does each part hinder or limit you, especially your undesirable parts? What can you learn from your undesirable parts? What can they teach you? Now imagine they are all interacting. Imagine them at a table discussing a problem. Think of a current problem you have. What does your humor say about it? How is that helpful?
How does it hinder you? How does your disorganization help you? What would happen if you simply didn't have this part? What would you lose?
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How vould you like to change the part you want to reject? Modify that part in the ;vay it would be more beneficial . . . How does it feel to modify that part? ., . Now go around and repeat that procedure with every single part.
Modifj it until it feels right for you. Then walk up to each part and imagine that pat melting into you. Do this until you are alone on the stage with your wise person. Hear the wise person tell you that this is the theater of your life.
This is the place you can come and review your many selves from time to time. Bear your wise person tell you that all these parts belong to you, that each las its own complementariness in your psychic balance. Make a deciskn to embrace your selves; to love and accept and learn from all your parts .. • See your wise person walk away. Thank her for the lesson. Know that ycu can call on her again . . . Walk down off the stage. Be aware of yoursef sitting in the theater looking at the stage whereon you play out your life. Le your mind see each of your newly modified parts float by and feel yoursef as one whole organism with many aspects and interdynamic parts.
Speak xit, hear yourself saying, "I love and accept all of me." Say it again.
Subvoalize it as you get up to walk out of your theater. Walk through the theatei doors. Turn around and see the number one . . . a black number one 01 a white curtain or a white number one on a black curtain. Finger paint iiand hear it if you can. Or do any of these. Then see the number two and dcthe same thing. Then the number three, start feeling the life in your fingersand toes. Let it come up through your legs. See the number four and feel voir whole body becoming alive. Then see the number five and know that ycu are coming back to your normal waking consciousness. See the numbd" six and say I am becoming fully conscious — feel the place where you are and when you see the number seven, be fully restored to your presen waking consciousness.