Las políticas de Evaluación de Desempeño Docente como factor de desarrollo profesional

At home I can’t relax, I keep pacing in my bedroom, from one side of the room to the other, out on to the balcony and back inside again. Jem’s voice is playing over and over in my head; I can’t get her words to settle in my mind.

I tried to call Jodie on my walk home so I could talk it out with her, but she didn’t answer her phone. She’s probably at work. So I try Claire when I hear her get home.

‘Claire. Are you in there?’ I ask, gently tapping on Claire’s bedroom door. ‘Yeah sure Luce, come in. I’m just studying.’

‘Thanks,’ I say, pushing the door open. Claire’s sitting cross-legged on her bed, textbooks, notepads and highlighters spread out around her.

‘You look like you’ve had a shit day. Bad day at work?’ she asks. ‘No, work was fine. Bad afternoon. I met Jem after work.’

‘I didn’t know you had plans to see her.’

‘I didn’t,’ I say. ‘She just came in to work like nothing had happened.’ ‘Oh, did you talk to her about the party?’

‘No, we skipped over that. It wasn’t worth it. Her idea of a good party is the cops coming to break it up. She was never going to see it how I see it.’

‘I still think you should have said something. At least just about her not really being there for your birthday.’

‘Well it turned into a whole other thing.’

‘What do you mean, thing?’ Claire asks. I don’t know how to describe it, really. I don’t know if I should call it a fight or an argument.

‘I don’t really know. She said so many things I didn’t expect, or hadn’t thought about, and that I’m not sure I understand.’

‘Like what? What did you talk about?’

‘Well it started with Jodie. I know I’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately, but I thought Jem understood. I thought she knew how much it means to me to find out about my mum, or at least knew how long I’ve been looking and how hard it’s been constantly getting nowhere. I thought she’d be happy for me.’

‘Isn’t she happy for you?’

‘Well no, it didn’t seem like it today. I don’t know, maybe I should have included her more. I tried not to talk about it too much. I didn’t want to rub it in. You know, with her family and everything. But she had a go at me for not asking her whether I should have contacted Jodie or not.’

‘I know. And I don’t think she meant it like that. Oh, I don’t know. But it made me feel like a terrible friend, as if she thinks that I’ve left her out of it on purpose.’

‘It doesn’t seem like she is being a very good friend either. And she hasn’t been for a while now. She should be supporting you. Not making you feel guilty,’ Claire says.

‘Guilty. Yeah, well she definitely made me feel guilty. Saying I had a new mum. Like mine is replaceable.’

‘Did she really say that?’

‘Yep. And I thought she, of all people, would know that wasn’t true. She was moved between five different foster homes before she ended up with Barb and Jack at the start of primary school. And I can’t remember the amount of times I heard her yell ‘you’re not my mum’, when she was having a fight with Barb.’

‘I don’t really know what to say. I would feel comfortable giving you advice about most things, but I don’t really know what to say about Jodie and finding out about your mum. Have you told your dad about Jodie yet?’ she asks.

‘No, not yet. I know he’ll get mad, he’ll want to talk to her and I don’t want her to stop telling me things because she feels like she has to run it all past him first,’ I say.

‘Oh Luce, I don’t think he would do that. I’d think he would be happy for you. He would be happy that you have extra support in your life. It’s just that we, Sean and I, had such a, I guess normal, home life growing up. I don’t really know what to say to help you.’

‘I know and its okay, Claire. No one’s ever really known what to say to me. That’s why I really like having Jodie to talk to. She was there, she knows more than me, so she can help me with it. She’s been easier to talk to than Dad and she’s really honest with me. She’s looking out for me. I know she’s mostly doing that for my mum, but she’s also helping me with Dad. She tells me when I’m being too hard on him. When I haven’t been fair. But mostly, it’s just nice to have someone older to talk to. Someone I can call, any time, for advice, for help or just because I’ve had a bad day. Dad and I have never really been able to do that, not like I can with Jodie. He’s never been much of a talker, so I found it easier just to figure things out without him.’

‘You are too hard on your dad, Luce. I can tell you that much.’ Claire says.

‘Yeah, well Jodie’s helping with that too. We spoke on the phone last night, Dad and I, for over fifteen minutes. That’s a long time for us. It was mostly about uni and Harry, but he’s getting better at it. We both are.’

‘That’s great Lucy. I know you really want to know about your mum, but don’t forget you’ve got your dad right there too.’

‘Yeah. I know. I’m trying. It’s just that Dad’s, well I don’t know how to describe him, he’s not like other dads. He’s not like your dad. Your dad’s outgoing, he could talk to anyone. Like you and Sean. My dad can only talk to anyone if it’s about engineering,’ I try to explain.

‘Your dad might be a bit quieter Lucy, but he loves you. And from what you’ve told me it sounds like he’s always tried really hard. It can’t have been easy for him either.’

‘Yeah, I guess,’ I say, starting to realise why Jem makes all those snide comments about Claire and her psychology degree. But I know Jem only does it because Claire’s right. And she’s probably right now too. ‘Sorry Claire, you’re studying,’ I say, looking at the text books covering the bed, ‘you don’t want to hear this.’

‘No, it’s fine Luce. Here,’ she says, packing some of her books away. ‘Have a seat. Is that something you and Jem talk about together, both of your families? Is that why she was mad today? Does she think you’re talking to Jodie about all of that now instead of her?’

‘I’ve spoken to her a lot about my mum. And I still had been talking to her about it, but probably about Jodie a bit too. I don’t know, Jem and I are different when it comes to our families. Jem says she’s never wondered about her parents like I have about my mum. Well, that’s what she always said when we’ve spoken about it, that she doesn’t think about them, that she doesn’t wonder where they are, but I guess I always thought she was just saying that. How could she not? Isn’t that kind of an innate thing, wanting to know where you come from?’

‘I don’t know Luce, I’m sorry. I’ve never really had to wonder, but yeah I would have thought so. I’d want to know. If I didn’t know, I mean. My family are a big part of who I am.’

‘That’s what I think. So I guess I always thought Jem did wonder. Now I don’t know.’ ‘I’ve never really been able to get Jem to talk about it,’ Claire says. ‘I’ve tried to ask a few times, but she always changed the subject pretty quickly. Not like you, you’re always happy to talk about it. You’re much more open about it.’

‘She talked about it a bit with me, a lot when we were younger. Then she stopped. But I always just thought she did that because she didn’t want to admit how much she wanted to know about them, because it would mean admitting she was abandoned by them. Or that she pretended not to think about them to try and punish them for not being there. So when she said, today, that she didn’t get why me finding out about my mum mattered so much, I didn’t understand. I was sure that she’d always kept wondering about her parents too. That deep down she still wanted answers. That she wondered how she was like them. Like me with my mum. Whether she looked like them. Whether she spoke like them. What made her like them? But maybe she had been telling the truth all along. That she didn’t care.’

‘But your situations are pretty different, aren’t they Luce? Your mum died, Jem’s parents… well, they left her. Can you imagine that? Being abandoned by the two p e o p l e who are meant to love you unconditionally. I can’t imagine. It would be horrible. No one should have to go through that.’ I looked down at my hands in my lap. I had considered that, as I so sensitively mentioned today. I didn’t want to tell Claire I’d been such a bitch. That I ’ d

said that to Jem. Claire was disappointed in Jem and the things she said to me, but I was just as bad.

‘I said something to Jem too, today, that I shouldn’t have. About her parents.’ ‘What?’ Claire asks.

‘I said something about her parents having a choice to be with her or not. And basically that they chose not to be.’ I say, still looking down at my hands.

‘Oh Lucy, you didn’t?’

‘I know. It was mean. I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t mean to, it just came out. But they’re not excuses. I apologised straight away, but it was too late. I knew it hurt her. I should have realised earlier that it was different for her. Like you said, our situations are different. My mum died. She didn’t get a choice to be here or not. But Jem’s parents, to some extent, had a choice. They could have gotten clean. They could have changed. For her. They could have fought to get her back, or at least contacted her in some way in the last sixteen years. They could have visited her, they could have called, they could have sent her a birthday card. I should have considered it from her side more. If that’s what had happened to me, would I still be so eager to know my mum?’

‘It is very different. And it probably also wasn’t a choice for Jem’s parents either Lucy. It might not have been that easy for them to choose Jem over drugs. It might not have been that easy for them to get clean. Just like it might not be that easy for Jem to stop what she is doing. I’ve been there and it wasn’t easy.’

‘You?’ I ask, confused.

‘Yes Luce, me. My first two years at uni. Living on res. It sounds clichéd, but trying to fit in. Trying to stay on top of uni, to keep working, and then go out four or five nights a week. I was always at gigs and parties and festivals. And if everyone else around you is taking drugs, it doesn’t seem as bad. Plus, you start distancing yourself from anyone who doesn’t do it as soon as they show any signs of disapproving. In the end, Mum and Dad took me out of res and moved me back home. I had a semester off uni and a lot of weekends at home while they both watched my every move.’

‘Claire, I had no idea.’

‘I’m not surprised. Sean won’t talk about it. He hated what it did to our family and just prefers to forget it even happened. I’m a bit surprised Jem didn’t tell you though. That’s when she and I first started to become close. When she was coming down on weekends, to stay with Jack’s mum, so that Barb and Jack could have a break, we’d go out together. After a while Jem stopped staying with Jack’s mum and would just come to res and stay with me instead. But basically once Mum and Dad moved me out, Jem stopped contacting me. I guess we didn’t have that much in common anymore with me stuck at home every Friday and Saturday night.’

‘Claire, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.’

‘Hey, don’t be sorry. I’m glad you didn’t know. It was stupid. My biggest regret so far. And the fewer people that know about it the better. I only told you because I thought it might help you understand things from Jem’s side a bit more. Not how she’s acting, but about her Mum and Dad.’

‘Jem says they don’t matter, her parents, my mum, because none of them raised us, but I disagree. She dismisses her connection to her parents because she doesn’t want to admit that she may already be like them. But I want to be like my mum. I want her to be a part of me. I need her to be. She didn’t just give birth to me. She is part of me. So it does matter.’

‘Of course she should matter to you, Luce. She was your mum and from what you told me, she loved you.’

I’m quiet for a moment and Claire starts to spread her books out again to study. But then I ask, ‘Claire, why do you think people become friends?’

‘Sorry?’ she says.

‘Why do you think people become friends?’

‘I guess it’s because they have things in common. Something they can do together, or talk about. Sometimes they have mutual friends to begin with. They like spending time together,’ she answers, but looks at me with her head slightly tilted.

‘And what happens if those things change? If they don’t have things in common anymore or don’t really spend any time together?’

‘Well, I guess they stop being friends, or as good friends. They might only see each other a few times a year. Friends change, Lucy. Sometimes because you change, sometimes because they change. But you always get new ones, sometimes better ones. Is this because of your fight with Jem?’

‘Yeah, just something Jem said today.’

‘It just sounds like you both said some things today that you need to talk about. Give it a few days, wait until you’ve both calmed down. It might take a while and things might be different, but you’ve been friends for so long, you’ll be able to work it out’.