THE COUNTERSTORIES
…the Negro is…born with a veil, and gifted with a second sight in this American world, - a world which yields him no true self-consciousness, but only lets him see himself through the revelation of the other world. It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity... (Dubois, 2005, p.7).
Miss Danesha
I received a text message an hour before I was scheduled to meet with Danesha. It read, “Do you mind if CeCe joins us?” Understanding that the dynamic of this 18 year old’s relationship with her eight year old little sister was very maternalistic in nature, I responded right away, “of course not,” knowing that it would not in any way compromise the integrity of our time together.
As I walked into the Mexican restaurant, CeCe was concentrating on a kid’s menu word find. She had already settled on the pizza. Danesha and I greeted with a long hug. This was the first time I had seen her after she successfully completed her first year at a Historically Black College (HBCU) five hours from the Midwestern city of about 69,000 that she calls home. With her light caramel complexion, garbed in a summer dress and jean jacket, Danesha’s hair was pulled up in a ponytail bun with a side swooped bang. Her hairstyle was familiar.
We immediately began catching up on the latest from her year away at college: boys, family, professors, and classes. Danesha’s baby face was glowing, speaking on all of the happenings of her first year in college. She was elected to the Royal Court for
Homecoming, she was voted Ms. Sophomore of her class, and she was selected to be secretary of her student government. I was so proud of her.
Danesha began reflecting on what it was like growing up as we ordered our food. “Me and BJ were real close. We did everything together.” BJ, Danesha’s brother, was just two years younger. “Then came CeCe ten years later.” Danesha’s family consisted of BJ, CeCe, mom, and dad – perfect in her eyes. Dad worked for a number of companies as a human resource manager. As a result, Danesha’s earlier experiences were interspersed with frequent movement. Her family lived in three Midwestern cities in a period of about ten years. “I never needed for anything though…We always lived in a good house, nice car. I went to a lot of schools with White kids.”
Danesha recalled the year that she turned eleven. For her, this year would be a year that would change the rest of her life. Reflecting, she began by referring to those years as the “Cold Years.” Her mother died that year. “I was a momma’s girl…I did everything with her…But I feel like growing up everyone was closer and everyone communicated and it’s not like that now… but I’m used to it…” For a short time after her mother’s death, the family moved back home to live with her grandmother, whom she affectionately called Nanna.
Danesha spoke very highly of Nanna for keeping her grounded through spiritual guidance and filling the role absent her mother. “[Nanna] is my mother…she is always there, she knows everything.” Danesha and Nanna spent a lot time together growing up and still do whenever possible. A good portion of their time together, growing up, usually revolved around church. “I was raised in church…I loved it…and I thank my
Nanna for it.” She reflected that even today she knows that there are times that she needs to go to church and pray just to weather life’s everyday trials. She accredited Nanna for providing that spiritual foundation that she has to turn to.
Notwithstanding the support of Nanna, Danesha recounted the difficulty of returning to her mother and father’s hometown after the death of her mother.
When seeing all my friends doing stuff with their mom and uh him [Dad] coming back…it was totally different because when I was here, she was here. Yeah those were some cold years… I was mean to any-everybody…I didn’t want to be here but I got through that; but it is still hard.
Danesha, the oldest child of then three, says she felt like she grew up before her time. “Like I feel like I had to grow up and I feel like I don’t regret it cuz I feel smart … Me, I wasn’t thinking about me at the time, I was thinking about her and cuz she was only two (points to CeCe).” She talked about herself stepping into the role of mother at great length particularly when her dad began dating again. “I felt like when my mom passed, these are my kids…my responsibility.”
Danesha’s dad remarried a year after the death of her mother which, in turn, created tension within their relationship. “I felt like it was too quick….and I’m not finna be nice.” Danesha describes how difficult it was communicating with her dad at that time in her life.
It just [felt] like you [couldn’t] never do or say nothing because it all leads to an argument…My dad was like oh yeah, she is moving with us, is that ok? I…gave him the coldest face…but then everything starting flowing and I actually liked her…Brenda is a good person and [now] we have a good relationship but I don’t see it as mother/daughter.
Danesha and her stepmother’s relationship resemble more of a friend relationship than a mother daughter relationship. “Sometimes I come to her with motherly
things…but I don’t [call her Mom] never have and probably never will…as long as she does what she is supposed to do for CeCe and BJ, I didn’t care.”
Despite the turbulence in their relationship brought about by her dad’s remarriage, she now admittedly credits her first year of college success to her dad.
I act just like him and didn’t realize that til I came to college. I realized that he is always going to tell me nothing but the best. So all those times looking back when we bumped heads in high school, he ended up being right…he pushed me...He has a man-way at coming at these things…I wish my mom was here but I give all thanks to him because I feel like, you know, a lot of his words are in me and the way I talk--it’s him. I’m just a nicer version (laughs). I can’t do nothing but, you know, give him thanks…even though he get on my nerves! Ugh!..But a good dad, a good dad (laughs).
Danesha began describing her path through school by focusing first on her weight. She recalled,
I got teased for being overweight in middle school…[Then] I hated everything and I didn’t like nothing about me…but [in elementary] I loved school…I liked to read. I was advanced in reading and writing, but now I hate to read and write – hate it. Probably because they make me do it. Growing up…I loved my teachers and I made friends easily. ..I loved my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Coldman…she was Black. I made sure I purposely got put in her class…because I wanted the best education… She is the best teacher. I loved her.
Danesha clarifies that she did not request to be put in Mrs. Coldman’s class because she was Black. She stated that she felt that it was the best class “compared to what I heard the other students doing – I just wanted to advance….I specifically asked what teacher was better.” Her personal informal research study, along with Nanna’s position in the district Human Resource office, led her to Mrs. Coldman as the apposite
choice. Danesha continued to reminisce on all of the teachers she had throughout her K- 12 school career. Noting the distinction in Mrs. Coldman’s teaching style, the only Black teacher she ever had, she laughed out loud as she explained the difference in her
disposition and the manner in which she interacted with her students compared to her White counterparts. She explains,
I felt like they had the same goal, but I felt like with her it was more of a personal connection … she was more passionate than all of my other teachers. Her versus my third grade teacher… I love both of them… They both had a passion but I felt like hers was stronger; she really, really cared.
Danesha quickly recognized that Mrs. Coldman’s teaching style was redolent of how she was raised. It was a familiar authority. Small and petite in stature, Mrs.
Coldman’s presence commanded respect and compliance from both students inside and out of the classroom.
She was tough and growing up at home, you show tough love… Ahh naw, she serious…versus, you know like a White teacher… You know they’re serious but you know when you see Mrs. Coldman... she did not play that… Get in line, we in
line. But you know, like I felt like it was more genuine, like it was more personal.
She really like, ok, you need to learn this; you don’t know, she tell [you]…I probably felt more comfortable with her…I felt that she was more passionate.
As the conversation shifted to color, Danesha recalled starting to become aware of its implications at about middle school age. She stated that prior to high school she chose not to pay attention to color because she felt that it could potentially lead to judgmental behavior. “I feel like when people pay attention to color, they judge…I didn’t pay attention to it for the negative reasons.”
Reality quickly smacked Danesha in the face as she entered high school. She began to notice that certain privileges were given to certain students. Up until that point, color had not been one of Danesha’s primary considerations. “I could see the looks and people judging me and I didn’t realize that oh it’s because I’m Black….” She now admits that choosing to disregard color as a reality during those middle school years was naïve. She quickly began to experience the effects of inequality and privilege. “She just got to do this and I didn’t. Is it because I am Black? Ok that’s when it snapped. The real world – so it’s not all equal.” Danesha being in a mixed high school with a population of 33% students of color, along with her progression in maturity, made this discovery inevitable. “It made me mad but it was really a big eye opener that racism still existed…”
Danesha’s awareness of the implications of race was solidified in high school. She continued the discussion by considering other aspects of her life in which she felt her color also had implications,
… getting hired at Karen’s I’m like I have to work twice as hard because I am the only one here. .. they have so many ignorant questions and I’m like what? You know so I can’t slip because they have it…easier because of their color. I have to work twice as hard because of my color. That’s not fair. So I learned that in high school. Oh ok so this is how the world really is, this [racism] still exist. Just not as bad and not as reckless.
Danesha chose to be a member of GTW during both her junior and senior years; unlike some of the young ladies whom teachers identified and recommended. She
recalled her favorite experiences while in the group with a big smile as we shared a bowl of corn tortilla chips with salsa. Among them were the Soul Food dinner and the
ladies to get together to cook their favorite dishes that were customary in the African American culture. They sold tickets prior to the event, spent all day cooking, and presented their dishes to their family, peers, and the community. The historical Black college tour was a three day trip to two historically Black colleges in the Midwest. The tour exposed the young ladies to the culture and atmosphere of a Black college, thereby widening their options for post-secondary education. The young ladies got the
opportunity to participate in an actual college class. “I can’t thank you enough…Without the group, I would not be at Washington if I would not have gone on that trip.”
Danesha was a young lady who had great insight and tended to be the voice of reason within the group. On days when the group deviated from the objective or was excited from happenings during the school day, she was typically the one that politely reminded the other ladies of how important and limited their time together was.
Notwithstanding her perceived role of task manager, Danesha was often accused of “talking and acting White,” typically from her African American peers. She expressed her frustration with the fact that being articulate and behaving appropriately was
synonymously defined as “talking or acting White.” “It makes me so mad…So they say you want me to act White? No! Ugh…I’ve always talked proper, never talked ghetto.” She emphasized that being accused of talking and acting White is not just an experience she had in high school but one that continues in college, particularly among African Americans females at her school. “It is teaching me to be patient, since I want to be a teacher.”
Danesha believed the purpose of the group was to acquire the skills to discount what society has defined as “typical Black girl behavior.” “We don’t have to settle for what people say…never let someone define you.” Danesha began to become more excited as we recalled a number of fights that we both witnessed over the course of our two years together; regretting that a good portion of them involved Black females. “It made us look bad when we go to class and teachers talk about it. Then the teachers just look at you a whole different type of way. I hate that.”
Danesha continued to discuss ways in which to combat stereotypes living inside the skin of a Black girl. She learned from the group that one way to do so was to defy what people say. “Just because people say we have attitudes or we dress like this or we act like this doesn’t mean that we have to.”
Another function of the group was to help the girls academically. Danesha felt that this was helpful in that the girls who did well were rewarded for their hard work. The reward usually came in the form of group recognition and a balloon to carry around the school with “Congrats” written on it. Every quarter the young ladies and I would look at the Ds and Fs, highlight them, and discuss an action plan to improve the grade in
question. I also offered after school tutoring as a means to improve the grades of the young ladies. “I felt like it woke me up… I need to go to college…I don’t want no highlights on my paper…that’s way too many.”
Although she says the GTW program had a transforming impact on her, she questioned if others, including teachers, took it seriously. She recalled a few difficult interactions with teachers. She detailed her interaction with one teacher in particular that
had very strong opinions about the group. Danesha classifies who we will call Ms. Paige as
…just a straight up hater. Always had a comment every time…I don’t know why you guys have to go with Ms. Boyd….Why is it just a group for African
American girls?...How you gon be a teacher and you say something like that…I wanted to be like are you racist?...Made me mad. Got treated in front of the whole class, though.
Despite feeling that only one teacher harbored ill feelings toward GTW, the majority of her teachers were supportive of the work that the group was doing throughout the school and in the community. This then led to a discussion about administration in the building. She explained that it was a different level of discomfort than that of the “hater” teacher. She felt that the relationship or interactions from one administrator in particular were contrived and insincere.
I feel like it was fake…you know but I don’t care if you speak to me or not…Like the principal…I know you be talking stuff. Just quit, you don’t have to speak to me…I can see it all in your face and in your voice and how you act around us…I might be 17, but I ain’t stupid…I felt like she was doing it because it looked good. I don’t think she believed in the group.
Danesha took offense to what she believed to be the disingenuous dealings of the principal because she believed so strongly in the group. Overall Danesha felt as if the other administrators were unbiased in their dealings with the girls. As long as they followed school rules and policy, they were consistent and predictable. Some were even friendly at times.
As our time neared an end, Danesha detailed a plan to emulate GTW at
still learn about themselves even at the college level. She desired to start a group to preach the same message, “We don’t have to settle for what people say about us.” It had become increasingly important to Danesha to defy society’s definition of a typical Black