Presentación

Since entering into the realm of publishing, I have been introduced to not only a new business, but to lots of businesswomen. These are women who followed the independent woman’s blueprint: get your education, don’t get pregnant (if you can avoid it), graduate at the top of your class, find a respectable career and not just a job, and be independent, not relying on a man in order to make a successful living.

Well, it’s a nice little blueprint—in theory. I’m not so sure how much practical application it has for long-term happiness overall. As one woman in publishing so bluntly put it one day over the phone, “I should’ve been a hoe! I should’ve just not listened to my mama and been a damn hoe!”

Now maybe that statement was a little harsh—and you’ll see me reference it again in a later chapter; that’s just how much of an impact it made on me—but I understood the gist of what she meant, given the conversation we were having. There she was, an accomplished woman with her own property in the heart of Manhattan, her own financial stability, a college degree, and a fabulous career in publishing. She followed the independent woman’s blueprint and got everything she set out for. Now in her forties, having achieved much of what that blueprint dictated, she could no longer ignore the obvious:

she didn’t have someone to share it all with. Sure, there was her dog, Mr. Sniffles, and he was nice and cuddly and awful cute, but as she listened to the ticktocking of her biological clock, she knew Mr. Sniffles would never be enough. She longed for more.

In between all the studying and sticking to the blueprint, she forgot to

make the time to fall in love, find a mate, and start a family, all the things she was now longing for once she entered her forties. She’s not the only woman I’ve heard this story from. I have come across plenty of businesswomen who have reached amazing heights in their education, career, and even in their personal lives as single women. Then one day, they look around and there’s no one there but them. Even though they have the most spacious apartment in the city, there’s no room for anyone else. They’ve built a life that only they can fit into.

The thing about independence is that too much of it can be a bad thing. Since the nineteen sixties and the advent of the women’s movement, we’ve been taught and encouraged to assume what have historically been very masculine roles. There are many of us who grew up without fathers and were taught by our mothers to make it on our own, to be both man and woman. We’ve had to learn how to bring home the bacon, fry it up, and not forget to wash up the dishes when we’re done. As a result, we have made no place at our table for a man.

Some of us simply don’t know how. But if you don’t make room for him, how can he ever sit at your table? How can he share in the feast that is your life?

Vixen Tip

Compartmentalize your life. Leave your outside life out there. When you’re home, be the woman your man and children need you to be.

Turn off your mobile phone, give your laptop a rest, and sit at the dinner table and enjoy a meal with your man and family. Make the weekends, or your time off, theirs and take that time to manage your home, giving them all those creature comforts that make a house a home.

There is a fine line between independence and loneliness. It’s one thing to know how to thrive on your own and enjoy your own company.

It’s another to have learned to exist on your own because you don’t know how to include someone else. A man needs to feel needed.

There has to be an opening, a place for him to fit. If we become so

independent that we begin to act and talk as if we don’t want or need a man at some point in our day and in our lives, no man will ever be there. Of course, there are some people out there who don’t want a mate and are more than happy to grow old alone, fall out of the shower, and press one of those Life Alert buttons to summon for help or, even better, teaching Mr. Sniffles how to dial 911. If that’s you, that’s okay!

For those of you who would like to spend your days with a mate and maybe a couple of kids and a dog, be careful how you present your independence. Never be ashamed of it, but never, ever use it as a shield.

Any one of us can be guilty of this. I think realizing the difference between independence and loneliness was one of the most difficult things for me to do once I felt I’d successfully completed my first five-year plan. Becoming a homeowner, as a single mother, was a proud moment for me and I wasn’t afraid to let everyone know it. It was as if I suddenly had this Daffy Duck complex, this, Mine, mine, mine! and You can’t do anything for me that I can’t do for myself! attitude. My partner had to point out these flaws to me; it also took my own constant cognizance and practice to curb my way of thinking and speaking about my accomplishments and independence. Yes, I had come a long way from sleeping in my car in just five years, but instead of sharing my life, I was using it to keep him and others out of it. My “Mine, mine, mine” demeanor, with its off-putting tone, would have eventually reduced me to a world with just “me, myself, and I.” A strong, supportive, and confident man with just as much to offer would not be able to tolerate all that me, me, me-ing. Not for long, anyway.

When we cloak ourselves in our independence, it is the equivalent of making an escape route. If a man believes that you don’t need him and might possibly bounce, or bounce him, if he makes one false move, he’s never going to feel secure. He needs to feel that he has a necessary place, especially if you are the more financially successful one in the relationship. It’s no myth that a woman who makes more money than her mate can be perceived as a threat to his masculinity.

You have to walk that line gingerly and with great consideration. Don’t

be afraid or ashamed to play the damsel in distress on occasion and let your man take care of you. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not the equivalent of playing dumb or surrendering your sense of self. What it does mean is that once in a while, it’s okay to act as if you don’t know how to solve a problem and need to seek his help. It will bolster his confidence in himself and his standing with you. It will make him feel useful. Let down your guard. Let him in. When we don’t know how to allow others to assist us, it makes us less apt to grow in a relationship and jointly deal with the challenges that present themselves.

Vixen Say What?

A woman who cannot stand down may find herself standing alone.

This isn’t to say that independence has no value. There’s worldbound independence, where you are able to hold your ground professionally just as much as a man. That’s fine when you’re on the phone handling business or brokering major deals. When your man walks through the door, however, there’s a softer, more homebound independence that you can show. It means you know how to cook and clean, and you don’t need someone like his mother (or your mother) showing you how to do so. You can do laundry without turning his whites pink. He can relax in knowing that his woman has mastered their domestic terrain. Just don’t look up and find yourself lonely because you were trying to be too worldbound and dominant at home.

Men need to plant flags and claim a place of their own in the world. If you make him feel there’s no claim he can stake with you in your world, he will move on to a woman who’s more open and accommodating.

Recap

The thing about independence is that too much of it can be a bad thing.

Be careful how you present your independence.

Don’t be afraid or ashamed to play the helpless damsel on occasion and let your man take care of you.

Don’t look up and find yourself lonely because you were trying to be too worldbound and dominant at home.