Procedimientos de enfermería 1. Sondaje gástrico

My baby half cousin, well I say baby,… he’s 9 now….they grow up so fast… his name is josh but I call him J, or J-dog, I don’t know it’s something I started years cos his parents have loads of dogs…..anyway…… he’s just discovered star wars, and he’s convinced he’s gonna be a Jedi master some day….it’s funny he’s actually started pretending sticks are light sabers now….I don’t know I think it’s a boy thing…. The other week actually my Auntie called me up….because we have quite a large

family….so every other weekend we all congregate at my Aunties house…..and have a big Sunday roast….it’s kind of a family tradition…and I went down….and I found out that Josh had been hitting random people and his dogs n shit with his sticks….. I mean not that hard cos he’s like only 9.….. But still…. and cos he’s like starting to get interested in girls now…he started tapping them too… anyway I had a talk with him….and he‘s at that stage where he thinks girls are yukky creatures…and to be honest I sympathize with him….because you can be sometimes…...but I said…you need to use the Force use your mind tricks right….basically I taught him go ….say hi.…and talk to them… and get this….. now a few weeks later he’s got a

girlfriend…..you should see them they make such a cute couple… In there jeans and little outfits…..yer…. I take credit for that……But growing up Star Wars was my favourite movie to, I first saw it when I was 7 years old….this is before he was

born…. I watched it over and over…… seriously like a 100 times…. It inspired me so much….I got into science because of that movie…(At first I felt a connection with Luke Sky Walker….but now as I grow older and a little wiser… now with obi wan…..isn’t that weird….it’s a strange dichotomy as I grow older… one day I'll be him…..with the grey hair…..the crazy hermit.) and you know what…..I watched it so fucking much that all the funny laughter points….just weren’t funny anymore…. and all dramatic moments…..just weren’t exciting anymore……I‘d become desensitized to it….And then being knowing for it was my favourite movie when I was ….12 or 13 my parents they got me the trilogy box set, obviously this was before the new movies ,…and now whenever I travel, and I've traveled a lot….., I've traveled the world….and one thing you realize is that….. every hotel room is different….. and it always feels seems somewhat awkward and foreign sleeping in a strange bed

sometimes…... so you want to get a semblance of home. So what I do, to this day is… I've since encoded the movies onto my laptop…. and I just put the movie on in the background,… put star wars in the background… mute the sound. Take my candles and my incense… Nag Champa… and turn off the lights….. Then……. no matter where I am in the world….. it still feels like home and I have this one moment in time where I'm at peace.

But J’s 9 now so he’s a couple of years older when I first watched it….but when I watched the movie with J-dog… this… weird phenomena… a psychological phenomenon occurs….. and it’s like watching the movie again for the first time… through his eyes… The same phenomenon happens with music as well….so that’s my fantasy I want to share with you…..I’ll put headphones on you,…. Headphones on me we’ll get one of those Y splits from Maplins….plug it into my computer… and I'm gonna play you some music that has once moved me to tears…. like this one song by Peter Gabriel called Father and Son…….. it’s a song that a few years ago when my dad was going through his illness had a lot of significance for me……but… it doesn’t move me to tears anymore….and there’s songs that I've played like an idiot 6 times in a row…..you know my neighbours would think what a fucking weirdo…just playing the same song over and over again….you know…you ever do that?…just play the same song over…. There’s one at the moment that Rhianna song…..Under my Um brella ella a a under my….oh man…I fucking hated that song when I first heard it ….but for some reason I just can’t stop playing it…..remember when we were

kids….and we’d get Humpy Dumpty …stuck in our heads for days… its like Humpty Dumpty all over again …...So that’s my fantasy I wanna put head phones on you headphones on me and play you my favourite songs the stuff that doesn’t move me so that it can move me again……I get to listen to it again for the first time …..through your ears……..No touching … we’ll turn the lights down….close our eyes… .and ya shut the fuck up…. and you listen to the music.… and to be fair we’ll play one of my favourite songs and then one of your favorites and two of mine and one of yours and 3 of mine and one of yours….(*smile* ) pinky love.

Taxi Story

Omg don’t you just hate taxi’s….One night I was taking a taxi home…with a girl I was seeing at the time….we’d just had a fantastic evening together…all the things that make up the perfect night….. it was fun… and exciting… and adventurous and scary and little bit romantic. Basically we had a full day together. And it gets to the point where were in the taxi together and there was that silent sexual tension in the air…. that you can almost feel….geez….I bet even the fucking driver had a hard on…(*Laughs)…..and BANG (*make a dramatic hand gesture)…. she just starts making out with me…..so passionately…in the back seat…..and we were so in the moment that we didn’t release that we’d made it home….but were both just so into it and into each other….that we don’t stop. And the drivers quiet for about 5 mins…but then……he starts getting really angry and frustrated with us….but we just kept going….. even more intensely…like his anger added an extra element of

danger….knowing that we shouldn’t be doing this right now…but we just didn’t care….but eventually it got to a point were….he started to become really

abusive…and I just wasn’t gonna have this at the end of a perfect day so.... in the end I just turned to the driver…and told him…really calmly….(* use an authoritive yet calm vocal tonality)…. listen!!!!….don’t worry about the money…you can add this time on or do whatever you want to do….it’s not important!!!!…I'm trying to share something very intimate here….and your aggression is really starting to piss me off….and he just looked at me like this (*Make eye contact with the eye and hold it for 2 - 3 seconds then) …..and he said….(*calm apologetic tone) I'm really sorry I didn’t mean to offend you…it’s just it’s be a very long night for me and watching you two …I just …more than anything want to go home and see my wife…. And with that…we left the cab…. paid him and went to my room to carry on where we left off. …….

NOTE: (*This is a power house of a story. A women can tell almost all she needs to

know from this story… the emotions listed in this story….fun, excitement, adventurous, scary, romantic, sexual tension, frustration, danger. It also sub communicates a lot about your personality that you are very sexual, pre selected, shows confidence you’re a risk taker, leader of men, protector of love ones. Plus it’s a good story to tell while your waiting for a taxi.)

Road trip to Brighton (

)

Have you ever done something that you knew was bound to fail right from the start... Well I have…me and my girlfriend at the time… got invited to go down to London for the week and party in the VIP sections of the clubs…because my Ex was and exotic dancer and there’s a lot of good money to be made down near London for talented strippers... and she’s was well known throughout the lap dancing community so she knew all the right contacts…..Anyway she had just bought a new convertible 15 grand just paid it off in cash. So we decided to take her new car…down to

London….because she always was a bit of a show off. Anyway we set off….she was driving…but me and my Ex we were notorious for having a high sex drive so you know something’s gonna happen on the way down their. So were driving down the motorway and 3 quarters of the way there she says “I have to have you honey….I wanna have sex right now…I wanna give you a blowjob …..I was like…..

honey…..we on a motorway…..plus your driving…if I were driving…. then maybe but no….it wont work with you driving…..She said…No you know what I mean. I'm taking the next exit…… I was like….come on were only like a couple of hours away from the hotel….. let’s just wait… No I need to have you now she said…..so she comes flying off the next exit……an we have no Idea where we were…I think we were in Dusbury or some shit….anyway…we pull up in this little park…..which now I think of it was probably a dogging spot….cos at 1 o’clock at night there were an awful lot of cars parked there….anyway...she says no....i can do it here...there’s to many people around. So she starts heading down this little country lane... corn fields on each side and and there ‘s like two big bitches on either side off the road. Suddenly she says...no I don’t like this....it reminds me of jeepers creepers...(Laughter)...I don’t know I haven’t seen the movie.. so I’ll take your word for it...what... like E.T ‘s gonna come out of the corn...no I’m turning around now ...I’m like honey...were on a really thin road.... just keep on going... we’ll find some place to turn around . She completely ignores and tries to turn round on this little dirt road....bearing in mind this is a brand new car...she’s not used to driving it....so she’s like (*make a hand jesture illustrating going backwards and forwards as if trying to 11 point turn) then

bam....she reverses into the ditch....headlights beeming up into the sky like search lights...omg, omg, omg....she starts to panic, cos were stuck.... there’s no way this cars getting out of the ditch on it’s own....so she’s freaking out and I’m like....calm down honey....were gonna be ok ....we’ve got food... we’ve got water...it’s the middle of summer so were not gonna freeze to death, I’m here to protect you... were gonna be fine. Next thing you know the farmers son drives passed in a pick up truck with 3 mates in the back...apparently they were on there way to a party. And they helped toe the car out of the ditch....and help us on our way...needless to say... I didn’t get my blowjob....we’ll i got one at the hotel....but really....that’s the blowjob I was always gonna get...so I’m missing a blowjob...so you better watch out I pretty honey now.

NOTE: (*Only use a blowjob story if you think you can get away with it, It must be

correctly calibrated, if you see any negative response, snip & stack to the next routine.)

Cutest little kid

Today I was driving….and i was stopped at the lights... and I saw the cutest little kid you have ever seen….he had on his little pair of ripped jeans and a baggy

sweater….he was just riding along on his skateboard …..I waved at him was like…. hi…..right ....he just stops and goes like this [*pause for dramatic effect] (*look them dead in the eye and put your middle finger up at them right in there face)……..I was like WTF…..I was only being nice…..but I had the last laugh….. cos when he started skating again……..bang……he hit a dip in the road…..and went straight over on his ass. That’s what Karma ‘ll do to ya. So be nice.