Below are quotes from participants. These are included in the appendix as they are not the result o f rigorous qualitative analysis. However, it was deemed important to include the personal views o f participants.
The w orst thing about having memory loss (questionnaire and interview s)
Worst case scenarios
“Not knowing what sexual acts took place”
“Knowing that even worse things could have happened” “Imagining the worst”
“Thinking that I might have agreed to have sex, or been compliant - this makes me feel guilty and ashamed”
“I am terrified they videoed me, and that there was a gang. I keep searching the web for videos o f m yself’
Fear o f not being believed
“I thought I was going mad, or hallucinating”
“I feel like a fraud, asking for help with no mem ory... if I can’t believe in myself, how can other people”
“The police gave me the feeling they thought it was all in my head”
Uncertaintv
“You don’t know if the memories will come flooding back” “It’s the fear o f the unknown that make’s you go over and over it” “Could I have stopped it...I’ll never know?”
“You find it hard to know what really happened and what you imagined might have happened. ..it all gets jumbled up”
“You don’t know who did it so lose trust in everyone around you” Other
“I have had part o f my life stolen from me”
“It’s the thought o f being controlled in my mind like th a t... it sends a shiver down my spine”
“I exposed my whole self to a stranger and have no idea o f what intimacy might have taken place”
“Because o f the gaps, you can’t move on...you feel stuck, trying to find the memory even though you know it’s not there”
How did you cope w ith the m em ory gaps? (From the questionnaire and interview s)
Going over events (mentallv and with others)
Most participants (N=26) reported trying to fill in the gaps. The most common ways were:
1. Mentally replaying events (rumination) 2. Writing it down
3. Talking to friends and family 4. Counselling:
5. Returning to the scene o f the crime
Accepting the memorv gaps
Some participants also reported over time feeling that they wanted to ‘move on’ and made the following comments:
“1 refused to torture myself with the gaps anymore and have accepted them now” “1 pushed the memories out o f my mind”
“1 have learned to accept that there are things 1 will never know - that was the hardest thing to accept”
“Counselling did not help - I kept seeking the impossible truth and retraumatising m yself’
Being able to put the memories “out o f mind” and “accept” them was viewed as an adaptive process, and an end-point o f successful emotional processing.
The follow ing quotes are drawn from the interview s (N = 12): Peritraum atic processing
Emotions
Participants reported feeling “confused” and “numb”. Only one person interviewed reported feeling intense fear during the assault. One participant reported intense shame. All those interviewed reported intense helplessness.
Thoughts
Thoughts during the assault were generally confused and not about life threat. Some examples are shown below:
“1 was too confused to think or feel distressed” “Who is this person?”
“Why am I having sex with this m an .. .he’s not my partner” “I want it to stop but I can’t move/ speak”
Dissociation and em otional num bing
All participants who were interviewed reported symptoms that are comparable to peritraumatic dissociation. Some examples o f their comments, which are consistent with dissociative experiences, are shown below:
“1 felt numb and totally cut-off from what was going o n ...” “I lost all sense o f time and place”
“It was as if I had no will or mind o f my own”
“1 felt like I was hypnotised.. .1 would have gone along with whatever he said” “ 1 went along with sexual acts I know I would never normally have agreed to” “I felt as though I was floating”
“ I should have felt scared but I didn’t”
“It was as though I was watching a film through the eyes o f the main character...it was not m e...it was not real life”
“I was like a child... totally suggestible and innocent” “I was robbed o f my emotions”
“ . . .like being in a bubble, separate from others around m e ...” “ 1 felt as though I was not really there”
.zoned o u t.. .spaced out”
“I felt totally confused...too confused to feel distressed”
“Throughout the assault all I remember is an orange street-light...not the rape as I was not really there”
These quotes lend further support to the hypothesis that the effects o f the drugs are similar in phenomenology to dissociation.
Sedative and muscle relaxant effects o f drugs
Participants also commented on the sedative and muscle relaxant effects o f the drugs: “I wanted to move, but I couldn’t . . .my limbs were paralysed”
“I felt really drunk and wobbly, and felt like I needed to go to sleep” “I couldn’t work out why I was so pissed - 1 can normally hold my drink” “I felt really woozy, like I was under water, and my legs felt wobbly and heavy”
M em ory and drugs
Participants described their memories as fragmented, as having no time scale, and as having large gaps. The examples below support the quantitative finding that autobiographical memory (VAM) is impaired but SAM is less impaired.
Involuntary triggering o f ' situationalIv accessible memories”
All participants interviewed described intrusive memories o f the trauma. All reported experiencing involuntary intrusions, which were visual or affective, and triggered by environmental cues. Some o f their examples are shown below, and are conceptually similar to descriptions o f SAM:
“These drugs wipe out conventional memory...however, memory is also in other places.. .this is how we know and why we suffer trauma”
“Every time I hear water running in the sink I feel terrified.. .1 now know I was raped in a car park near a drain and the sound o f water brought it back to me. It’s weird, when I tried to recall it I couldn’t but strange things just trigger memories out o f the blue”
“I was having sex with a new partner and suddenly it was as though a hole was ripped in my consciousness and his [the rapist] leering, menacing face appeared. I had not remembered him as threatening till th en ...I was terrified...and felt I could not control the content o f my own mind”
“I can’t bear people standing behind me in queues...it makes me really scared and I don’t know why”
“Sometimes a certain smell or noise brings flashes o f the rape to m ind...pictures or clips.. .1 feel overwhelmed with fear”
“When I have a flashback, it’s like I am taken over by it...as though it is happening right now”
Explicit (verbalIv accessible) memorv (and lack of)
“When I first tried to recall what happened it was really hard...the flashbacks have helped me put together a set o f events that make sense.. .they came back over time” “1 have no conscious recollection o f what happened... just blackness...! thought I was unconscious but my friends saw me walking around... that really freaks me out” “It’s like it gradually comes to you over time, but some o f the memories never come back”
“My memory is full o f holes, but the bits that flash back into mind are so clear”
“In therapy, I didn’t know what to talk about - 1 just couldn’t explain the memories to her... they were just odd pictures and feelings. I struggled to find words”
“Gradually, over time the memories can be put in the past...they stop haunting you and stop being so clear and vivid”
The content o f intrusive memories
Participants described intrusive memories with the content being o f very varied emotional salience. Content o f intrusive memories included parts o f the actual assault, and pre or post assault events. It is likely that the dose response curve o f the drug, and what was consolidated determines what intrusive memories occurred, rather than the meaning o f these particular events.
“There are lots o f fragm ents.. .some o f the club, a car, and one o f him on top o f me” “I only remember the street light in the car park...I can’t remember the rape”
“The bit that haunts me is waking in his bed in pain, to find him having sex with me. When he saw I was conscious he said, “oh, shit, your awake”. That comes into mind over and over again”
“The only memory I have is o f being woken by a man penetrating me. The pain woke me. I kept saying “stop” in my head, but I could not speak or move - 1 was helpless”
Some participants reported their intrusions as being purely affective, rather than having any clear, explicit ‘content’. For example, one participant said, “all that comes back to me is a sense o f fear.. .when I see certain types o f m en .. .maybe they look like him, I don’t know”
Posttraum atic appraisals
Participants reported many negative appraisals about the rape, and their reactions. These included:
Blame
“I could have stopped it...it is my fault”
“I went along with it so I must be to blam e...anyone else would have fought back harder”
“I should have known better than to trust X ...”
“Other people will blame me because I went along with it” “I should have watched my drink more closely”
“Did they do it to me because I did something to deserve this?”
Trust
“I will never be able to have sex again or a normal relationship” “How can I ever trust men again after th is.. .my life is ruined”
“If I can’t remember who did this to m e...how can I ever trust anyone ag ain ...I’ll be thinking ‘it could be them ’”
Emotional and cognitive response to the rape “Normal people would feel fear. Why didn’t I?”
“I feel so ashamed o f what I d id .. .1 went o ff with that man ...no one forced me”
“If I had been attacked it would make sense. But I was not so why didn’t I stop it happening?”
“Other people would have reacted differently, been less compliant. I felt it was me that was to blame”
“Maybe I really wanted to be with him. That’s what others will think”
“I should have tried harder to get away or stop it...I should have realised I was in danger”
Shame, dirtiness and humiliation “1 feel used”
“No one will want me now ...I am soiled goods”
“He stole my sense o f control.. .and totally humiliated me”
“I can’t tell anyone what happened or how I acted as I feel so asham ed...w hat will they think o f me?”
Posttraumatic emotions
“You may not feel fear at the time, but you do later, when you realise what happened”
“Instead o f having all the strong feelings at the time, you get them when the flashbacks co m e...it’s like you are experiencing it for the tim e...as though it’s real”
“It’s when you piece it together and the final piece o f the jigsaw says ‘rape’. You are terrified”
‘I had a memory o f the man on top o f me, but I had never remembered this before. ..it was then that 1 knew for sure that 1 was raped - until then 1 had avoided thinking about it”