The “stereotypical” talk in which young men are thought to engage involves two main aspects: confirming that you had sex and bragging about that sex. When we see young men depicted in the media (Kivel and Johnson 2009, Moss 2011, Slatton and Spates 2014) they are often engaging in one of these two speech options. The young men in my focus groups
acknowledged both of these options, but then they made the interesting choice of othering the bragging aspect. In the following section I explore both the had sex/did not have sex dichotomy and the manner in which the participants treated bragging about sex.
5.1.1 Dichotomy
When asked what they talk about when they talk about sex, one very common
conversational element emerged: the dichotomy of whether one did or did not have sex. In fact, calling this a conversation might be a bit of a reach because participants indicated that talking about sex (especially when speaking with people other than one’s close friends) typically only included whether it did or did not happen. No emotions, details, or discussion need be included. Here group B describes a normal conversation:
B2: But as deep as it gets with your friends is just like “Yo, I got ass.”
B7: Exactly! Us talking about sex, it’s completely “Hey, you uh…” “Yeah!” (laughter)
(general agreement) B2: That’s about it.
B7: “Did she-?” “Yup.” “Did y’all-?” “Mmm-hmm.” (laughter)
The clipped conversation and generalized statements do not seem to indicate much, but the young men seemed in agreement that only that amount of information was necessary. Other groups discussed the same dichotomy and agreed that when talking in mixed company or in a group, this was often the only thing said on the subject of one’s sex life. This dichotomy was the only example of “stereotypical” male conversation about sex in which the participants of the focus groups all claimed to participate. But even while admitting that such a conversation would be normal, they also seemed to be making a joke out of it. It seemed to be an exchange that one might have in jest, even amongst trusted friends. The simple dichotomy was, perhaps, a learned
behavior in which the young men engaged even though they were hoping to have a more detailed conversation later.
5.1.2 Bragging
The other commonly referenced conversational pattern was bragging about sex. Typically, the focus groups mentioned first confirming that sex did occur, then noting that bragging happens immediately after. Here, again, is Group B having a characteristic exchange:
B3: I’ve done some boasting, straight up. B4: If she’s a 10, then –
Others: Yeah, yeah…
In this exchange B3 openly admits that he does at least a small amount of bragging himself, and the others are quick to agree that circumstances might warrant such talk. This admittance of bragging is not surprising, as it does fall in line with the stereotypical talk associated with young men (Benwell 2014, Emig and Rowland 2010). Other participants, however, prefer to depict bragging as something that younger, less experienced men do. When trying to explain what men talk about when they talk about sex, Group D suggested that they will start with the dichotomy (did/did not have sex) and then add details that inflate their own sexual prowess:
D6: It’s generally like, if dudes talk about it, they’ll just talk about how hot the girl was or something. Or, depending on the situation, how easily it happened.
D7: Yeah. How easy it was, or how good the oral was. How good the head was, or how good the pussy was.
D6: Yeah. To make themselves sound good or whatever.
Here they are othering the act of bragging, by suggesting that it’s something that others do. This is the first example of othering that I found, but it becomes a very common occurrence as the
focus groups unfold. I thought it was interesting that they first acknowledge that bragging is common, but immediately suggest that is something they have seen rather than something in which they engage. Further, they are attributing motives to the men doing the bragging. Not only do they not engage in bragging themselves, but they assume other men do it to elevate their (presumably lower) status. This further suggests that the men who are speaking do not need to do such a thing, as their status is already secure. Thus, in one short exchange, they elevate their own status while lowering others, all while dismissing the very idea of bragging. It is a fairly clever linguistic turn.
However, it also raises questions regarding the act of bragging about sex. The young men in Group B admitted to bragging, at least in exceptional circumstances, but the men in Group D speak as though they never brag. Do they not also need to boost their reputations for sexual prowess? Why might other men do so, but they themselves choose not to? Group E took this assumption of motives even further, by suggesting that the men who brag openly might not even have had the sex they reference, but are instead trying to inflate their own ego or reputation:
E3: A lot of guys, like they lie a lot. E6: Yeah, that’s true.
E3: They’ll be like “I did this with her. And her and her and her.” But like, they won’t – E4: They ain’t did that with none of them girls.
(laughter)
Here, again, the participants other people who engage in bragging, but this time by suggesting that such bragging often comes in tandem with lying. In this case they seem to be suggesting that not only does bragging involve lying, but it is somewhat of an open secret that men who brag openly are lying. Again, it is an interesting assumption that other men need to exaggerate their
sexual conquests, but these particular men do not. I think E4’s statement is particularly
interesting because he is choosing to use overtly casual language with both poor grammar and the word “ain’t” thrown in. Furthermore, his tone and his language in the rest of the focus group leads me to believe he is using this language ironically. E4 is black, and the above quote was his only instance of non-grammatically correct language, which suggests he was using “ain’t” both for comic effect and as a performance of “coolness.” He does not use “ain’t” again over the course of the focus group in which he participated, but he does purposefully use it in that sentence for the purpose of dismissing the bragging of other men. E4 is proclaiming his own superiority by casually dismissing the use of “correct” (and “white”) speech, which would seem to be contrary, but which works neatly here.
It is also interesting to consider why the men in the focus groups find bragging so
distasteful. The literature suggests that bragging is a normal male behavior, and that engaging in bragging about one’s conquests is itself a rite of passage (Kimmel 2008, Pascoe 2010). Media featuring young men often portray them as full of bravado and wild claims, which also serves to normalize the act of bragging (Gauntlett 2008, Kivel and Johnson 2009). But these young men appear to find bragging distasteful, and doubt the veracity of braggers’ claims. It is possible that the focus group participants are unusual in this regard, or perhaps they have simply aged out of bragging behavior. However, it is also possible that these young men are performing a kind of sensitive masculinity because they believe that is what is expected of them in this situation. The participants might feel that their participation in a study demands language and behavior that is more sensitive or thoughtful or exemplary of a more “politically correct” form of masculinity than they might normally display. These young men might be trying to please the moderator (and the woman researcher behind the study) with their maturity, rather than speaking as they
normally would. This possibility concerns me, but because their language is different than the literature and media would suggest, I am forced to confront the fact that either the portrayal of young men is wrong, these young men are unusual, or these young men are changing their performance to please the invisible listener, who in this case is me.
In the following sections the participants will continue to demonstrate what I have termed “non-stereotypical” masculine behavior, especially in regards to their language.As I analyzed the data the emotional awareness of the participants and their sensitivity towards others took me somewhat by surprise, as I had assumed that they would perform a more aggressive and macho form of masculinity. Instead they are honest and unembarrassed about their emotions. Their othering of men who brag about sex was only the beginning, and as my analysis continues, I point out several other instances of the participants behaving in non-stereotypical ways. This behavior leads me to believe that the very recent studies regarding “multiple masculinities” warrant further consideration, and that perhaps the singular model of hegemonic masculinity is outdated (Allen 2007, Duncanson 2015, Harris 2010). Messerschmidt himself (2012) has published a revision of this own theories regarding hegemonic masculinity, and it is my
contention that a softer, more varied version of masculinity is represented by the young men in this study. In the next section I detail how the participants spoke freely about their feelings and their desire for emotional connection, and how those sentiments might represent a new model of masculine behavior.