RED DE SUMINISTRO DE ENERGÍA ELÉCTRICA 21

Criticism: Attacking someone’s personality or character, usually with blame, instead of a specific behavior.

Hostility: To be antagonistic toward someone. Pertaining to an enemy.

Contempt: Disapproval tinged with disgust. Communication that is intended to insult. To show disdain for another who is considered vile or worthless.

Contempt and hostility are fueled by thoughts of the other person’s

incompetence or disgust. They are disgusting. You think they are stupid. How do you show this?

1) Labeling “You’re a jerk.” “You’re a bitch.” “You’re a bastard.” “You’re an idiot.” “You’re a fool.”

“You’re stupid.”

“You are incompetent.”

2) Nonverbally

Roll your eyes when they say something.

Sigh heavily while they are communicating something to you. Turn your back on them while they are talking.

Walk away from them while they are talking.

3) Covert Insults and Humiliations Designed to Cause Real Pain In Others

“Even Andy could get that one right.”

“If you really loved me, you’d lift a finger to help around the house.” “You don’t even care about your kids.”

“You were never there when we really needed you.” “Any kindergartener could figure that out you moron.” “You have serious psychological problems.”

Contempt Breeds Contempt

It’s true that contempt breeds contempt. Remember the last time you were involved in one of these?

“What the hell are you doing?” “You told me to clean my room!”

“I told you to get the living room cleaned up because we have company coming, THEN to clean your room.”

“What’s the difference Mom, no one is coming for TWO hours?” “That’s it. You have no respect. You are grounded.”

He looks at her in disbelief. Sits on his bed. Stares at her. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing. You’re crazy.”

“You will not speak to your Mother that way. You are grounded for one month! Now get this place clean. NOW!”

What happened here?

The son was cleaning his room. He probably should have been cleaning the living room first to prepare for company but he probably didn’t know why he should be cleaning the living room first.

Deep inside, the son felt put out that he had to clean his room and the living room. He didn’t mess up the living room after all. His toddling sister did. He doesn’t even go near the living room.

Deep inside, Mom felt like she was in a pressure cooker. Company coming in two hours and she has four hours of work to do. And this isn’t just any company

this is hubby’s new client. A big one. The house has to be perfect. Tonight the pressure is on to make a really positive impression.

This is an example of how most people communicate all day long. Here is the next morning at work…

“Why aren’t you working on the Johnson account?”

“You told me to get the numbers for the Friedman account and the Johnson account updated today.”

“I told you that Johnson is going to be here in TWO hours. Get her account done THEN do the Friedman account. Does any of this make sense to you?”

“Both sets of numbers will be on your desk in the next hour.” “I want the Johnson numbers NOW.”

“Fine.” (She drops the Friedman file. Grabs the Johnson file and returns to her desk.) “Is there anything else?”

“No. Just get that file to me ASAP.”

Deep inside, the office worker is feeling hurt and angry. She doesn’t feel

trusted. She doesn’t feel as if her boss understands her competency level. She is angry that her boss felt it necessary to make a scene over NOTHING in front of the staff. The boss once again made her look bad for no reason. The file would have been done with no problem…and no time delay.

Deep inside, the boss felt that once again people just don’t get it. The top priority item gets second billing. What if there was an emergency or a problem and there wasn’t time to get the Johnson file done? Why don’t people do things in the order that make sense? This woman is as stupid as her son…except he’s 12 and has an excuse. Why does she keep this worker on? Probably because MOST of the time she does a good job, but THIS is just ridiculous.

The office worker goes home. She thinks all the way home that her boss is such a bitch. “She really thinks I’m an idiot,” she mutters over the steering wheel. I hate her. I am going to quit. I will not put up with this insanity any longer. I can’t handle it. She always is on me. Why doesn’t she just let me work and do my job? She pulls in the driveway. Husband is home. “Hope he had a good day,” she says again over the steering wheel. She goes in. They hug, kiss, sit down and say hello for a minute.

“How was your day?”

“Oh, it was O.K. I’m sick of that witch though.” “Did she say something again?”

“Yes, she was sticking her nose in my business again.”

“You know, next time she does that you should just tell her to leave and let you get your work done.”

“It’s not quite that easy. She is the boss ya’ know.”

“I know that but that doesn’t give her a right to be so overbearing. Tell her that you are good at what you do and that you don’t need her meddling.”

“She’s so in your face, very intimidating…(kind of like you honey…now that I think of it…) and I don’t want to push the wrong button and lose my job.” “Geez’, they can’t fire you for doing your job and saying how you feel. Don’t let her push you around.”

“I’ll take care of it.” (I have no idea how but I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Now I feel incompetent here too!)

“Good, if you don’t let it fester you can have it taken care of tomorrow and never deal with it again.”

”That’s easy to say, you are the supervisor at your office. I’m just a peon.” “I respect people who speak their mind as long as they are respectful.” “She doesn’t respect anyone but herself. She is not you.”

“I know. I just hate to see you pushed around.”

“I can handle myself.” (No I can’t. Why do I say things like that?)

“OK honey. Keep me posted.” (I’m not going to make her feel bad by continuing this.)

Solutions for Contempt and Hostility

Hostility is attacking someone with the intent to do verbal harm. Some people simply fly off the handle and criticize people. As we talked about earlier, that has to be stopped. Others will complain about behaviors that their partners do. That isn’t so bad in the long run though it isn’t exactly a recipe for happiness. What is

among the worst offending sins that is detrimental to the soul is communication with the intent to harm whether in public or private.

If you or your partner are intentionally communicating with the intent to harm you must stop immediately. Hostility is something that no soul should be involved in. There is no benefit to hostility for anyone. The desire to harm others through communication is a sign of serious relationship problems that need to be corrected as soon as possible.

If your partner is intentionally communicating with you in a hostile manner you need to gently share this information with him at the first reasonable moment. The partner should be allowed to communicate his feelings about the reason for his hostility and then move to a solution. The solution is not the silent treatment but increased communication. However, as you deal with the specific issue of hostility do not bring up all the relationship problems of the past. This only gives cause to do the exact opposite of your goal.

What model of communication would you propose? Propose it. Get agreement if appropriate and start communicating with the intention to make each other feel good about each other. The exercises on the coming pages will help you rebuild a relationship that was on treacherous ground.