Single mothers may feel an additional sense of responsibility in terms of developing intimate relationships outside the family unit, as there is a perceived need to model heteronormative relationships for their children. In the case of parenting girls this may include modelling appropriate sexual behaviours (Chodorow, 1978). This was
described by Helen in terms of perceived social rules (sexual scripts) about how women ideally ought to conduct their sexual lives. There was a suggestion that it is expected that a woman should wait for a certain amount of time, having met a potential romantic partner, before beginning sexual relations and so certain ground rules for ‘respectability’ (Skeggs, 1997) or normative gendered sexual scripts were evoked. It was not considered appropriate to introduce romantic / sexual partners to children before a certain amount of time had lapsed. Helen therefore utilized time when the children were with their father to spend time with potential partners so that her sexual life was kept separate until she was ready to gradually introduce a new partner. She ensured that she had known the man for a certain period of time and allowed
opportunities for her children to get to know him before he was allowed to spend the night with their knowledge:
‘So as far as people staying, I never let anybody stay that the children know about unless we’ve been together for a few months because I’m the role model
154
for the girls so I might have known someone 4 or 5 months before I’ll let them stay. And the girls would have known them, they would have met them by that time, they would have been to the house but they would never be staying while the girls are there.’
Another example of the importance of ‘good parenting,’ with reference to shaping gendered roles, was provided by Elizabeth who emphasized the challenge and
importance of socializing boys. Elizabeth here rejected conventional gendered intimacy scripts, following traditional breadwinner / domestic patterns, instead emphasising the importance of teaching boys to respect women and contribute to domesticity:
‘My kind of aim is to raise him to be a decent kind of man. If I was looking for a boyfriend this would be the kind of man I’d want to meet – a boy who picks up his dirty washing off the floor, a boy who can do the washing up, a boy who can cook, who does domestic chores, isn’t expecting high praise because he’s deemed to clean the toilet, a boy who has respect for women and an
appreciation of what they, in fact that’s what I want him to have, that respect for women.’
Significantly, Elizabeth cast her ideal partner in the egalitarian model - as someone who is respectful of women and does not expect them to do the majority of domestic chores. This could be seen as an example of how the ‘pure relationship’ is emergent as an ideal type in terms of egalitarianism, although participants tended to aspire towards permanence and stability as opposed to transience in relationships. However, suitable partners were perceived to be in short supply, in terms of both stability and equality, and so these ideal relationship types were not necessarily available. Furthermore, ambivalence and scriptual liminality are ever-present in these interviews. The challenges of parenting alone were framed in the same interview as managing two separate, highly gendered roles of being ‘mother’ and ‘father’. Another section of Elizabeth’s interview reflected a more traditionalist notion of the importance of the father figure; there was a concern running through these interviews about whether children need a father figure, intersecting with populist ‘family values’ discourses:
‘You have to do both roles, you have to be the mother and father and I don’t think when you’re trying to be the father that it carries the same weight because whenever you introduce a male figure you’re saying ‘don’t do this, don’t do that’ but the minute a man goes ‘do as your mother says’ they stop – it’s like an in- built thing so in terms of the discipline when you’re raising a boy in particular it’s harder without a father figure there and they know it.’
155 Disadvantages of parenting alone, without a father figure, were frequently cited and included dealing with the challenges of parenting and disciplining children alone; coping with the financial difficulty associated with a single income or Social Security benefits; having to make decisions alone without reference to another adult; not having any time for the self (especially where there are younger children and where there is no shared childcare arrangement in place) and, for some, social isolation. However, it was also often seen as an advantage that one parent could make decisions for themselves and their children. Participants valued the independence and freedom this afforded, alongside the time they could devote to caring for and building strong relationships with their children. Despite the huge weight of responsibility carried alone, as Anna
reminded us (below), making parenting choices without needing to negotiate meant less conflict. As suggested by Teresa (in the next extract), this enabled more clarity for the child as well as more personal freedom for the mother:
‘In some ways the fact that I’m on my own means that I don’t have to negotiate parenting choices anymore and I can parent the way I think is desirable. I think not having to negotiate with another person is quite an advantage, being able to have that autonomy is an advantage. The disadvantage is that if you’re not used to taking the responsibility yourself then that is huge – you’ve got nobody to share that sense of responsibility with and I think that’s a big deal’. (Anna) ‘I suppose the advantage is not having to argue with someone else about how things are done and your word is the last word, there’s no playing parents off against each other… I suppose our bond might be closer because of it, I don’t know but it is, I feel, I can be independent in that I can make decisions and we can just get up and go without having to ask anyone else what they think so selfishly it’s better… maybe I am better off as a single parent.’ (Teresa)