Rationale and focus
We learn to respect the law in the society in which we live. The law says that we have to pay for eating in a restaurant, for travelling on public transport and for shopping in supermarkets. By the same token, the law also says that illegal or socially unacceptable activities such as drug selling and taking drugs, domestic violence and sexual abuse are forbidden. People do not question the validity of the law but accept it. Clients who are sensitive to criticism or resentful about being criticised often use expressions such as `He mustn't criticise me; it is terrible to be criticised; it is unfair; it hurts; I don't like it'. When an expression of `mustn't' or `shouldn't' is used, strong negative emotions, such as anger, hurt and resentment, often evolve as if someone had just broken the `law'. Does criticising somebody constitute breaking the law?
In using this technique, the therapist and the client can have a general discussion about what is allowed or not allowed in society, as far as the law is concerned, and then explore the issue of criticism within the framework of the law.
Process
Therapist: The beauty of living in a civilised society is that we are protected by the law. The law de®nes what is acceptable or not acceptable to do. Isn't it right?
Michael: Yes.
Therapist: Is it lawful or unlawful to eat in a restaurant without paying for it? Michael: Unlawful.
Therapist: Is it lawful or unlawful to drive a car without insurance or MOT? Michael: Unlawful.
Therapist: If a couple are having an argument in their house, is it lawful or unlawful?
Michael: There is nothing wrong with this. We all do it from time to time; so long as it doesn't affect other people or happen in a public place.
Therapist: Absolutely. This is the good thing about having the law telling us what we can or can't do. Agree?
Michael: Yes.
Therapist: Coming back to criticism. What is the problem with being criticised by other people?
Michael: I don't like it. Therapist: And?
Michael: It hurts.
Therapist: You don't like it and it hurts and therefore people mustn't criticise you. Is that right?
Michael: Yes.
Therapist: Is there a law to say that just because you don't like it and it hurts, people mustn't criticise you?
Michael: No. But it is not fair.
Therapist: Suppose it is the case. Is there a law to say that just because it is not fair, criticism should not have happened?
Michael: No.
Therapist: Did you criticise people before? Do you criticise people? Will you criticise people in future?
Michael: Yes.
Therapist: Is there a law to say that you can criticise people and they can't do it to you? How logical is it?
Michael: Oh. No. There is no such law and it is not logical.
Therapist: Criticism is a fact of life. We criticise each other and this is the way life is. The reality is that even if it is not intended to be a criticism, you may take it as such because of your fear and because you are sensitive.
Michael: Oh. Yes, it did happen in this way.
Therapist: It is not the criticism that is the problem, but the way you link it to your self-worth and the way you react to it. Dealing with
criticism is not about demanding that people mustn't criticise you, but learning to deal with it in an appropriate and adult manner. If you are able to do that, this will give you a feeling of being in control and you will feel good about yourself. In this case, criticism is not a problem.
Homework
Michael was asked to:
·
Talk to ®ve people to ®nd out whether or not criticism was a universal experience and to discuss with them a helpful way to deal with critic- ism. He was to write a summary of what people said and then draw a conclusion.·
List the costs and bene®ts of being criticised.·
Come up with an appropriate way to deal with criticism and to give a rationale for it.In reviewing the costs and bene®ts of being criticised, the objective is to show that the bene®ts far outweigh the costs, and that most of the costs are often short-term discomfort, whereas the bene®ts are long term.
Technique: Cognitive continuum
Rationale and focus
Being criticised by others is often perceived as a terrible experience. This is particularly so when clients see it as a personal attack, or as an attack on their self-worth or integrity. Rather than reassuring the client that it is a universal experience, or asking the client not to take it personally, the therapist can compare the client's terrible feeling of being criticised with events that could be seen as even worse, such as redundancy, burglary, car accident or serious illness to see how terrible it actually is to be criticised. Is it really that terrible in comparison?
This comparative approach helps the client to put criticism into perspec- tive. The therapist can say:
Rather than demanding that people shouldn't or mustn't criticise you, there are things you can learn from it. For example, perhaps you need some criticism before you can develop the skills and con®dence to be assertive with people, and to work on your shortcomings. Rather than making it worse than it actually is, start with `I don't like it, but this is life and I will learn to cope with it.'
Process
Therapist: You don't like criticism and see it as terrible, is that right? Michael: Yes, I hate it. It is terrible to be criticised. For example, when my
work is criticised, it makes me feel inadequate and inferior. It is unfair. People should know that I have worked hard.
Therapist: On a scale of 1 to 100, 100 being very terrible or bad, how terrible is it to be criticised?
Michael: 99.
Therapist: So it is really bad. Do you have a son? Michael: Yes, he is 10 years old.
Therapist: Do you love him?
Michael: A lot. He is fun to be with.
Therapist: Suppose your son is in hospital because of a car accident. How terrible is it in relation to being criticised?
Michael: It is really terrible.
Therapist: What is your rating relative to being criticised? Michael: 100 with my son in hospital and being criticised 70. Therapist: It is quite a drop from 99. Why is that?
Michael: When you put it like that, being criticised does not seem to be that terrible.
Therapist: Suppose the doctor says that your son is critically ill and may not pull through and asks you to prepare psychologically. How terrible would it be in relation to being criticised?
Michael: There is no comparison. It is absolutely terrible to lose my son. Being criticised is nothing.
Therapist: What is your rating relative to being criticised? Michael: 10 or even 5.
Therapist: From 99 to 70, now to 10 or even 5. It is a huge drop. What conclusion can we draw about it?
Michael: I need to stand back to look at the whole thing. Being criticised is not the end of the world and I need to accept it as a fact of life. Therapist: Absolutely. The reality is that there is no need to link being criticised to your self-worth (e.g. `I am inadequate and inferior'). There is no logic in that. If you can see it from the other side, you perhaps can see that you need some criticism in order to develop the skills and con®dence to cope with adversity and to work on your shortcomings. The conclusion we can draw is that being criticised is unpleasant in the short term, but the long-term bene®t can be substantial.
Homework
Michael was asked to:
·
Keep a diary of events in which he was criticised: what were the criticisms, how did he deal with them, to what extent did he agree or disagree with each criticism? He was also asked to write down his (unhelpful) thoughts about each of the criticisms and rewrite them as helpful and realistic alternatives.·
Read and evaluate two chapters on communication to help him to be more able to deal with criticism: `Good and bad communication' and `The ®ve secrets of communication' in The feeling good handbook (Burns 1999).Other techniques
Other relevant techniques include `Seeing the event from the other side', `Acceptance' and `Rewriting assumptions'.