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Good relationships are not the result of chance or fortune—they are created and maintained by observing some basic guidelines. In Chapter Three you encountered the most general and basic of these guidelines, the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Following are more specific guidelines that flow from this rule:

1. Acknowledge other people. Many people are so absorbed in their thoughts that they ignore others. When you pass someone on campus that you recognize from one of your classes, make eye contact, smile, and where appropriate, offer a greeting. Do the same for the mail carrier, the waiter or waitress in a restaurant, and others with whom you have some transaction. As Frederick W. Faber wisely observed, “Many a friendship, long, loyal, and self-sacrificing, rested at first on no thicker a foundation than a kind word.”

2. Be generous with compliments, stingy with criticism and/or advice. People like receiving compliments and are generally grateful to receive them, provided they are sincere. Similarly, most people resent unsolicited advice. Never give unsolicited advice. Even when advice is asked for, try to determine whether the person really wants it. If the person seems to want approval that you cannot, in hon- esty, give, say this: “I sense that you’d like me to say __________. But I really don’t think that is the best response. I’ll be glad to explain why if you’d like.”

3. Keep your moods to yourself. No one likes to be in the company of people who are forever moaning or complaining. Make a special effort to be positive and upbeat in your remarks.

4. Expect more of yourself and less of others. The more you expect of others, the more you will be tempted to criticize them for their shortcomings. By setting higher expectations for yourself than for others, you will be more inclined to focus on improving yourself. This habit will help you to grow and develop as a person and make

you more pleasant to be around. Moreover, your good example to others will be more persuasive than any lecture could be. 5. Make allowance for differences of opinion. Whenever you discuss

controversial matters—for example, social, religious, or political issues—try to present your views clearly, not to change people’s minds. If you aim for the latter, you will usually be disappointed. 6. Be sensitive to others’ feelings. This rule can be difficult to observe because rudeness has become fashionable. We see it in homes and schools, in offices and grocery stores, on the telephone and in Internet chat rooms, at airports and on the highways. Crude and disrespectful language and behavior are also modeled in modern entertainment, including rap music, TV situation comedies, and “reality” programming. Resist these negative influences and avoid words and gestures that insult, ridicule, or humiliate others, even jokingly. (The targets of such humor may join in the laughter yet still, at a deeper level, be offended.)

7. Balance talking with listening. There is no shortage of excellent talk- ers, but excellent listeners are rare, and therefore greatly appreciated. You’ll also learn a great deal more by listening than by talking. 8. Think before speaking. Blurting out whatever happens to pop into

your mind is a sure way to cause problems in your relationships. In contrast, pausing to ask yourself, “What effect will saying this have? Should I say it at all, and if so, how should I phrase it?” is a sure way to avoid problems.

9. Purge negative emotions. Negative emotions have a way of becoming visible to other people and disrupting relationships. If they remain hidden, they can be unhealthy for you. Whenever negative emo- tions arise, talk yourself out of them. This will be difficult to do when they represent a response to a real offense or provocation. But even in that case, make the effort.

10. Refrain from gossiping. Talking about others behind their backs is a sign of disrespect for them and could easily damage a relationship. Keep in mind, too, that whoever is willing to gossip to you about someone else is just as likely to talk to someone else about you! André Maurois writes of a woman with a perfect approach to such situations. He explained that “whenever one of her intimates is attacked in her presence, [she] merely states: ‘She is my friend,’ and refuses to say more.”

11. Apologize when you are wrong. Few expressions have the healing power of “I’m sorry.” These words have been known to eradicate generations of animosity and resentment and restore relationships that were thought to be irreparable. Unfortunately, the longer you

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wait to say these words, the harder it is to say them. Develop the habit of saying them as soon as you realize you were wrong. And if you feel you were only partly wrong, apologize for that part. 12. Forgive when you are wronged. Forgiving others can be even more

difficult than apologizing, particularly if the other person has not apologized for having wronged you. But without forgiveness, resentments remain, prevent relationships from healing, and harm you. A character in Mitch Albom’s novel The Five People

You Meet in Heaven explains why: “Holding anger is a poison. It

eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves” (Albom, 141).

13. Be a peacemaker. When people you know and care about are hav- ing difficulties in their relationships, and one or both discuss the problem with you, it is often difficult to know what to say. The wrong words may worsen the situation and even cause one or both people to resent you. If you can’t say something that will promote understanding and healing, say only “I care about both of you and I hope you find a way to restore your relationship.”

14. Meet your responsibilities to others. In all your relationships, be aware of your obligations to the other people and do your best to meet those obligations.

15. Look for opportunities to be kind. To be worthy of the greatest respect from those around you, follow Charles Kingsley’s advice and live each day in such a way that when you close your eyes at night you can honestly say, “I have made one human being at least a little wiser, a little happier or a little better this day.”

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Review the fifteen guidelines for successful relationships and list the ones which you are in the habit of observing and the ones on which you still need to work.