SOCIALES SOLO PRACTICADOS

When you lose a child you and your partner are both grieving an enormous loss. You may find it difficult to support each other because of your own grief. It may be very painful to talk to each other about your loss or how you are feeling when you are both so upset. It can be very hard to witness your partner’s pain.

You may try to protect one another other from your grief. You may feel that you have to be ‘the strong one’. You may fear that you will upset your partner if you talk about your feelings when they seem to be having a good day.

In the same way that you each had a separate and special

relationship with your child, each of you will miss different things and grieve in different ways. You will also cope with the loss of your child in a different way.

You may differ from your partner in how you express your feelings; one of you may want to talk about your child while the other may find this very difficult. One of you may look for support from others while the other may want to withdraw from people. One of you may want to visit the grave or be surrounded by photographs of your child while the other may avoid such reminders. You may notice other differences, such as how you approach returning to work and socialising, how you cope with day-to-day responsibilities or how you relate to your other children.

Many couples experience difficulties in their sexual relationship after the death of a child. You may have little energy for each other. While physical closeness may be comforting to one of you, it may be that your partner can’t tolerate it. This can result in

What you can do

The differences in how you grieve the death of your child can put a strain on your relationship. You need to understand your partner’s grief as well as your own. It is important to try to talk, even when you feel like withdrawing from each other. Try to share your thoughts and feelings and understand each other’s response to your loss. You will need to give each other time to grieve. It is normal for each parent to do a certain amount of grieving on their own. The death of a child can cause a crisis in some relationships and it may help to talk to a professional, (see page 62).

Differences for mothers and fathers

Bereaved fathers often believe they should ‘be strong’ for the rest of the family. Others may also expect this of you - you may be asked how your partner is rather than how you are. You may hide your own grief to protect your family from your sadness. It can be difficult to talk about your feelings or ask for support. As you may tend to meet friends at work, sporting events or in the pub, it may be hard for you to talk to them about how you feel. You may sometimes cope with your distress by keeping busy and by working things out on your own. It can help to talk to other fathers who have lost a child, perhaps in a bereaved fathers group. You will find contact details for support groups on page 64.

While women are more likely to talk about how they feel and may have more opportunities to do so, it can still be very difficult for mothers to express such intense grief. Despite your devastating loss you may be expected to keep the family routines going,

particularly when you have other children and this can be very difficult to do. You may find it difficult to feel understood by friends or family who have not lost a child. It may help to talk to others who know what you’re going through. You will find contact details for support groups on page 64.

Caring for other children

It may be very difficult for you to care for your other children. You may have little energy for them. You may be inclined to try to protect them from your grief by hiding your sadness from them. You may be over-protective to make sure nothing happens to them. It can be a struggle to keep it all going.

What you can do

Be realistic and don’t expect too much of yourself. You are grieving so you will not function at the same level as before. Accept support from family and friends to help you with your children’s needs. You will be better able to support your children if you take time to care for yourself. See page 34 for advice about helping children through grief.

Parenting alone

If you are parenting alone there are many extra demands and it can be difficult to care for yourself and your other children. You often have to make important decisions by yourself. You may not have someone to share your grief and to notice when you are finding it hard to cope. You may not realise that you need support or have the energy to look for it.

What you can do

It is important to let family and friends know what would help you and to accept support from them. You will be better able to look after your children if you find support for yourself.