G What are the specific thoughts and reactions you have when you are under pressure? Assign a ‘Parent’, ‘Adult’ or ‘Child’ tag next to each of them.
G What are some counteractive Adult thoughts that will help you deal more effectively with the Parent and Child in you when under pressure?
Time-Out 4.3
Figure 4.4 Phoebe’s thoughts, emotions and behaviours in the Parent,
Adult and Child states.
PARENT
‘I’ll do it for you’
Pressure, worry – problems not shared
Guilt – assuming blame for things not going right Disappointment – people don’t live up to expectations Impose own ideas on people
Judgemental
‘This is how it should be’ Don’t ask for help ADULT
Sense of equality, sharing Open
Confident, optimistic
Belief – don’t have to have answers Logical (‘real’ logic)
Approachable Relaxed (sustainable) Considered
Willing to accept help CHILD
Hoping someone else sorts out my problems Victim, helpless
Self-deprecating Don’t take responsibility Short-sighted, rash decisions Not necessarily willing to be helped
By identifying and associating her thoughts, emotions and behaviours with the Parent, Adult and Child sides of herself, Phoebe recognised that she was operating outside her Adult state for the majority of the time, and that her decisions and actions were being determined mainly by her Parent or Child. This exercise helped Phoebe to identify times when she was not in her Adult state and to modify her thoughts and behaviour accordingly.
Over to Adrian . . .
In the late 1980s I was swimming in the US National
Championships. This was a race that my coach and I had targeted as one in which I would attempt to break the World Record. About an hour before the race I remember walking outside for some fresh air as well as trying to calm down a bit. Next to the pool was a freeway with cars just whizzing past. I remember watching the cars. In one car I saw a woman with her children, and in another I saw a little old man, and I remember thinking about their lives in that moment. What were they doing? What was important to them? I imagined that they probably didn’t even know that I was swimming that race, so why was I so worried about it? Millions of people couldn’t care less! I started to realise it wasn’t a big deal. To cope, I always think about the scale of what I’m trying to achieve and in the grand scheme of things, they aren’t actually that important.
It’s really quite fascinating when I look at Graham’s comments about Transactional Analysis. I guess that being able to compete in a sport as a grown-up is really a continuation of the stuff you do at school. So, no surprise that you get all worked up when you don’t win and your behaviour can seem a little childish.
My comments above would suggest that in the end, I was able to take an Adult view of racing. Interestingly, if I had taken my parents’ view, then win or lose, I knew that I would still get a Chinese takeaway!
In business I deal with the pressures in the same way, it’s actually more subconscious for me now. If something doesn’t go the right way or I have a split second thought that we might not win an important piece of business, I just think differently about it. I learned most of these techniques by working with a coach (who was effectively my psychologist). They come as second nature to me, although I do occasionally seek guidance from a friend or colleague at work.
Asking For Help
Stress is often caused by thought patterns that are both negative and irra- tional. Furthermore, seeing a situation or another person's behaviour or attitude from another perspective can be difficult when you are so entrenched in your own perspective. Such circumstances often call for the input of a respected and trusted individual who can support you in developing other ways of viewing the world. Indeed, my research on mental toughness highlights ‘seeking support when you need it’ as a key attribute. This will require you to view asking for help as a strength rather than a weakness.
As emphasised above, the person(s) you choose to provide the support you may require to check out your thought patterns should first of all satisfy the ‘respected’ and ‘trusted’ criteria. They should also interact with you in their Adult state. The last thing you need is someone agreeing with the Child or Parent side of you. This will only exacerbate the stress you are experienc- ing. The best sources of support will be people who ask you questions as opposed to telling you how to think. Adult questions like ‘on what evi- dence are your thoughts based?’ will not only get you to think about the validity of your thoughts in a specific stress situation, but will also get you into the habit of asking yourself Adult questions in the future.
The most effective means of tackling stress, of course, is to address the source of the pressure that causes it. However, it is also often the most difficult of the coping strategies to implement. This factor, together with the frequent assumption and acceptance that little can be done about the pressure, means that many people never even consider this strategy until things get so serious that there is no alternative. Former rower and 1992 Olympic Gold Medal winner, Greg Searle, tells the story17of when he was having an occasional ache from a wisdom tooth. As a major competi- tion approached, the pain became more consistent and severe and was a major distraction for him. He persevered with dealing with the symp- toms for a couple of competitions before realising that more drastic action was required – he had the tooth taken out and banished that
17Personal communication, 2006.