Tendencias del cuidado familiar

playing these expressions and gestures may not necessarily be engaging in flirting or seduction behaviour. Body language such as smiling, gaze-holding, narrowing the eyes, coy glances, tucking hair behind the ears, head-cocking, rapid eye blinks, self-touching, and much more, may be in-grained personal habits more than flirting or seduction “come-ons.” To be true to body language interpretation, we must be able to compare whether the person always acts this way (mannerisms) or whether the context dic-tated the use of that particular gesture because the person was flirting or engaged in seduction. This comparison is rarely achievable until we get to spend more time with that person and observe their body language in dif-ferent environments.

We can’t always identify the emotion and accurately interpret the mean-ing behind someone’s body language . . .

A single bodily expression or gesture can mean a variety of emotions.

Tears may sometimes express sadness, though they may also express happiness, or relief from tension. Even smiling, which we all recognize, can often cover a gamut of emotions. We may look at a person and think

“Oh, he or she is smiling. He or she must be happy,” and may or may not be accurately identifying the emotion behind the smile, which could be anything from happiness, anger, anxiety, disbelief, confusion, apology, sadness, sarcasm, contempt, or an expression of a polite greeting. This in-definite relationship between emotion and expression makes it difficult to know what emotion is being expressed by a particular body language.

When using words, we ask for clarification, but in body language we can-not ask someone to repeat him or herself when we don’t understand their body language. Also, if we catch ourselves using the “wrong” body lan-guage, we can’t say “Just a minute,” and try again. Only extended interac-tion with people can clarify what emointerac-tion is being expressed by a particular body language.

We may not be able to filter out the biases created by our own mental and emotional states . . .

Much of what we read from body language is validly related to the emo-tions of the person expressing the body language. But there is good chance

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that some of the emotions we read are a fabrication based on our own un-derstanding of reality, our experiences, our perceptions, and opinions which may have nothing to do with the other person’s reality or experi-ences. The rest lies somewhere between these two extremes. Given that we have a tendency to jump to conclusions about the demeanour, expres-sions, and actions of others we inevitably make many wrong assumptions.

When we notice that our date’s facial expressions or gestures don’t fit our own understanding of the emotion we associate with such expressions or gestures, we form a negative judgment about the person when in fact the emotion we have attributed to the facial expression or gesture may or may not have been what the sender intended. Quite often the sender is not aware that the message we received is incongruent with what he or she was trying to send.

Body language also has a lot to do with our mental and emotional states, feigned or not, just as much as it has to do with the other person’s mental and emotional state. You may display what you believe to be “positive”

body language but if the other person is, for example, in an aggressive or angry state, your gesture may be interpreted as provocation or harass-ment.

The way we use and interpret body language literally depends on where we come from . . .

Depending on the situation and one’s cultural background, body language can be variously interpreted. For example, steady eye contact in North America may be a sign that someone is honest, sincere, and feels comfort-able and interested in you, but this may not be the case for people from African and some Asian cultures who prefer very brief eye contact—more when talking, less when listening—as a sign of respect for a person’s au-thority, social status, or age group. Looking directly into the eyes of some-one who is not some-one’s peer or intimate partner is likely to be interpreted as a sign of social immaturity or shallowness. But refusal to make even brief eye contact is seen as a refusal to acknowledge the other person’s human-ity or presence. Interestingly, North American, African, and Asian cul-tures seem to agree that unwavering or direct fixed stares are unsettling;

the variation seems to come from how much direct eye contact is

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ered “confrontational” and whether the culture encourages or values more, or less, aggressive tendencies.

There are also cultural (and individual) differences in what (and how) we subconsciously choose to pay attention to, and the point or points of fixa-tion. North Americans usually pay more (and longer) attention to the ob-ject in the forefront or centre but pay less attention to the background scene or surrounding areas. When in conversation, they mainly focus on the eyes and often take in the visual details of the individual in front of them. People from African and some Asian cultures tend to spend more time studying the background and its relationship to the main object in an attempt to take in the scene as a “whole.” They display more eye move-ment, back and forth, right and left, and between the person in front of them and the background context or immediate environment. This is often perceived as having “shifty eyes” by North Americans. Some researchers on eye behaviour attribute this to the fact that Africans and Asians are more socially and holistically inclined and therefore tend to pay more at-tention to a person not as a separate or disconnected part but rather as a vital part of the “whole” that includes all others. Nobody seems to really have a conclusive explanation for this cultural difference in eye behaviour.

Other research indicates that we tend to be more sensitive and more able to detect changes in the body language of people similar to our own so-cial, cultural, educational, and professional backgrounds, as well as body size, age, gender, etc. These findings may reflect a broader tendency to process the characteristics of members of other social, cultural, educa-tional, professional backgrounds, etc., in a rudimentary way than the characteristics of members from one’s own group. Outside research find-ing, the reality is that even between people of the same cultural back-ground and/or family, you will always find variations in the interpretation of body language.

Body language can be manipulated and controlled, both consciously and subconsciously . . .

Some people have extremely open body language patterns. When they are elated, we know it. When they’re angry, we know that too. Others have

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learned to control their emotions and how those emotions are expressed through their body language—not just the face, but the whole body. They may move only their lips when talking and not use any other signals—

facial expressions, gaze direction, hand gestures, etc.—making it hard for you to tell if they are interested in you or not. Other people, like depressed individuals tend to have abnormally slow movements of the body and speech patterns.

And there is of course the manipulating body language and “faking” of emotions. Skilled liars who know that people believe those who are lying can’t look you in the eye, very easily master the “honest trait” of looking directly into someone’s eyes and can fool anyone who is focused on just this one aspect of body language. A person who knows that a hug indi-cates friendship can intentionally hug his or her worst enemy as a trick to put the person off-guard. Think about it, how often have you pretended to listen attentively, or look interested in something you’ve heard before, or be amused by something you hardly find amusing? It may look like “po-lite” manners or a display of patience and therefore not “harmful” at all, but it is manipulating body language and faking emotions all the same.

So how can we use body language to create that emotional “warm and fuzzy” feeling?

First of all, in order to properly convey and connect with emotions through body language, you must interpret body language signals as part of the overall system of communication. This means paying attention to verbal messages, intuitive messages, as well as body language signals. It also means being conscious of the fact that simultaneous body language signals often reinforce each other. Secondly, ascertain the emotional needs of the other person and then consciously use the body language expres-sion that is consistent with those needs.

But I wish it was as simple as that. Emotional needs are “fuzzy” and a lit-tle difficult to pin down. They can vary greatly from person to person.

And some of our emotional needs we are aware of and some we are not.

To make matters even more complicated, within a group of emotional needs, there are blends of various emotions that can appear and disappear

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faster than one-fifth of a second and therefore cannot be easily observed in body language. But the more specific you are in identifying the other son’s emotional needs, the more accurately you can connect with that per-son on a very basic emotional level. If, for example, you find out that your date’s emotional need at the time is for affection (of course it could change at any time), make sure your body language is showing affection. Affec-tion in this sense may also sensitivity, compassion, empathy, understand-ing, etc. The body language expression for sensitivity will be slightly different from the body language for understanding. And the body lan-guage for compassion may not be the body lanlan-guage you’d use for empa-thy.

To increase the probability of making a strong emotional connection or enhancing a less strongly felt one:

1. Take care of as many emotional needs as possible…

Some people wear their emotions on their faces and telegraph their feel-ings very powerfully, but a majority of men and women have some, if not several, emotional barriers. Of course you cannot just ask someone, “Tell me, what is your emotional need?” or “What do you long for and wish to gain by going out with me?” They will not tell you. And if the need is un-conscious, they will not be able to tell you because they don’t know. So you have to be creative.

The more subtle way is to pay close attention to what the person is saying, which in turn will tell you something about what is important to him or her as well as illuminate their more sensitive areas.

The more direct way is to ask a direct question like, “What could someone do for you that would make you happiest?” Asking someone to dream about an ideal or aspired experience is often a good idea to get people to think about how they want to feel in their desired experiences. Their an-swers are usually unbiased, sincere, and actionable. The other person may respond by saying, “Not lie to me” (emotional need: safety, trust, inti-macy, etc.); or he or she may say, “Listen to me” (emotional need:

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ciation, connection, intimacy, etc.). With this in mind, you can then focus your creativity on creating the desired experience.

Sure you’ll never be able to figure out all of a person’s emotional needs, meet all them, or even really be able to figure out which body language is consistent with which emotion, but if you can do your best, you’ll not be trying to entertain or intellectually stimulate someone when all he or she needs is to feel appreciated, safe, or secure. With a little focus, chances are you’ll be meeting his or her emotional needs as well your own emotional needs and you’ll both be feeling “warm and fuzzy” inside and outside.

2. Speak his or her native emotional body language…

The theory behind adjusting your body language to be in tune with the other person is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they like us, want to be like us, or understand us more deeply. It is like speaking to someone using their native emo-tional body language.

Training yourself to mimic other people’s twitches and jiggles, or reflect-ing their every facial expression or gesture (even negative ones), can be surprisingly simple. But with this monkey-see, monkey-do dynamic, you can quickly undermine what you hoped to achieve if you are not genu-inely interested in their feelings, their thoughts, their desires, and their in-tentions. Capturing the other person’s emotional flow or how he or she truly feels makes all the difference. It communicates acceptance and openness to the other person which in turn puts him or her into a more at ease state, creating a positive, enjoyable experience for both of you. When that kind of synchrony occurs, they think and feel the two of you are emo-tionally related.

3. Use expressions and gestures that evoke stronger emotional re-sponses…

The entire time you’re talking to someone, a man or woman, he or she is watching you, trying to figure out from your expressions and body

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guage, what you are thinking about and what’s going on at any given moment. Use this unrelenting scrutiny to your advantage.

Telling a good story that is ideally dramatic and that sends nonverbal cues to attract and hold the attention of the listener emotionally, is one easy way to create that “emotional” or “warm and fuzzy” feeling. Imagine the story in your mind and describe what you see using body language that draws in the other person’s sensations and emotions. Use facial expres-sions to create moods such as happiness, surprise, anger, sadness, fright, doubt, empathy, and so forth; hand gestures to describe shapes and sizes;

and vary your voice, pitch, tone, and speed to create different characters—

a man’s voice, woman’s voice, child’s voice, old person’s voice, roar of a lion or bear, etc. If the other person can experience the story through as many senses as possible, he or she will be more engaged and will experi-ence the story as if it were happening to him or her, right here, right now.

Tell your story in the present tense. The present tense puts the listener in-side the story. It also implies that the story does not belong to you alone, but to you and the person listening—you are experiencing it together. Tell your story from a single point-of-view when telling it to a man, and through multiple, simultaneous points-of-view when telling it to a woman.

Be yourself and speak from your heart. And oh! Abstract stories with lots of stats, numbers, and figures can be really dull and dry. As living beings we are naturally moved by what is living and repelled by inert things such as statistics and concepts.

4. Practice being conscious of your subconscious feelings and emo-tions…

Faking emotions and showing the wrong emotion at the wrong time can cause discomfort in others, making people lose respect for you, and can sabotage your efforts to create an emotional connection with someone.

Your conscious awareness of the pressure slowly building inside you al-lows you to quickly sense when you are starting to sabotage yourself. Say

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for example, you are on a date and for some reason you start feeling impa-tient or irritated, your body responds by tapping or drumming fingers. If you are not consciously engaged, you will not be aware you are tapping or drumming your fingers or that the “discomfort” you’re experiencing in your body is already being communicated to the other person and is caus-ing him or her to become impatient or irritated. You may be senscaus-ing that he or she is somehow irritated but still be totally unaware of the reason.

When you are consciously aware of when you’re beginning to feel impa-tient or irritated you can take appropriate corrective action nearly instan-taneously, in “real time.” When you are more aware and mindful of your own emotions and how they play out, you will not need to wait and see those emotion reflected back to you by someone else.

5. Give yourself permission to shed your childhood, social, profes-sional, academic, and adult conditioning.

Even though psychotherapy has shown that people who are most elo-quent in the “language of emotions” are those who have learnt to speak this language at an early age, recent studies show that proficiency in the

“language of emotions” is a skill that can be enhanced with practice. Basi-cally, it is difficult to create that “emotional” or “warm and fuzzy” feeling when your body is restricted and tight and your voice caught somewhere in the middle of your throat, but when you shed your inhibitions and are no longer holding yourself back, you are more expressive and free, loving and non-judgemental, vitally alive and creative.