“If I was gonna say anything to that child I’d say hang on, just hang in there…” Emily
Children are often referred to as ‘‘silent’’, ‘‘forgotten’’, or ‘‘invisible’’ victims of
family violence (Bagshaw, 2007; Shea Hart, 2004) and yet they experience a
“catastrophic loss of power” in their lives (Batmanghelidjh, 2006, p. 53). The aim of this research was to bring volume to the voices of those who are silenced through social power relations, to their experiences, their insights, their resistances, their contradictions.
In closing the interviews, it was important to hear from the participants what would have been meaningful to them, as children, and from their understanding now, what might be important for others. I asked the participants two questions:
1. If you could go back and talk to yourself when you were a child and give yourself some advice from the future what would that be? And/or
2. What advice would you give to children who are currently going being exposed to domestic violence?
And I leave the participants to have the last word.
Ben: I would tell that (younger me)…not to get caught up in anything bad, just know that if you, whatever you put your mind to… you've got a bright future ahead of you, it’s quite hard to say because the 11 year old (me), even if I helped him the 12 and 13 year old (me) still had it quite bad so he’s only gonna be in for worse, but I would tell him to keep his dreams alive…look, you’ve got the best future ahead of you and if you don’t know what it is you can make it that, you can make it whatever you want, and don’t do this to your children….
Claire: I would probably hug her and just tell her that she’s beautiful, and that she doesn't have to wear short shorts and she doesn’t have to hang out with the bad people and, to get back into sports… cause I was really good at sports but I always got distracted because of the drugs… like my advice to kids now, I always tell them stay young, enjoy being young, keep your innocence, you don’t have to know what… the adults are up to, just be you…stay young, go do things and enjoy life
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and be a kid, climb trees, don’t be curious and wanting to know what the adults are doing, because what they’re doing isn’t fun, it’s stressful, it’s hurtful…
Hannah: I think… if it’s your mother, say with me, and you’ve got a stepfather, and you’ve got a dad fighting for you to get out of that situation, and like you can see that how it’s affecting you then go to your dad’s straight away, like don’t bother living with your mother anymore, get out as soon as you can before it affects you too much…that it’s not their[children’s] fault… even though they’ll be arguing about what you’ve done, it’s still not your fault, like and you need to tell someone and get help…
Ashley: just to ask for help… y'know it’s not their fault… like they shouldn’t have to suffer because of what their parents do…I never went to uni and things like that so if I’d known now that it was ok to talk about it and that it is hard to talk about it at the start but it does get better then I would, yea slap myself in the face and just said get over it.
Sarah: If I had one thing to say to someone who’s been abused I guess is I’m here no matter what, cause I think that’s all people need is not necessarily a way out or for it to stop, I think what people most need especially in all abuse is people going I believe you and I’m here for you…some people who are in domestic abuse don’t want to be saved… they love this person and they would do anything to be with this person, including being abused so it’s not necessarily about leaving the situation, the first most biggest priority for them is that people are there for them regardless… especially sexual abuse, they don’t feel like they’re gonna be believed, they don’t feel like anyone’s there, I think that’s the reason why some of them stay, because they don’t think they have an out because no one does believe them or no one is there for them, so they stay… I remember missing being held, being loved, I guess that’s what I would want, is someone just to be there, I don’t know if I’d want a knight in shining armour or anything to take me away, I never craved that, cause they’re my family, I never wanted to be taken away from my family at all, I just wanted to be loved and held…I would say, say do something, don’t be afraid…tell the truth… be strong, you are stronger than you think, you doubt yourself a lot but you are so strong and you’ve got wonderful friends, and you’re strong enough for this, you’re strong enough to do this, I think that’s why it took me so long to tell people about the abuse, I didn’t think I was strong enough to do it
Megan: I wish I’d known that it really wasn’t my fault, I think it would have made me choose differently, I never knew I had a choice, I think if I had known then what I know now I would have actually chosen to go and live with my grandparents, and been out of that environment… I used to dream about going… but never realised that I could actually do that… the other thing that I would want them to know or to think about was who is a safe person, for them to actually, not just for them to be with but to talk about how they feel
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