LA TEORÍA DEL RIESGO

6.11 Between a rock and a hard place. Hofn, Iceland: Blooms between Basalt Columns

The picture above represents the beauty and life that can unfold, even in a challenging environment. This is symbolic of my experience in academia with the Cambridge Theological Federation where at times this felt like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, particularly as I was one of only two Buddhists on the Professional Doctorate. My feelings of vulnerability, anxiety and doubt all created rigidity, paralysis and resistance to push ahead and cross thresholds but I knew that unless I did there would be no possibility of discovering new horizons. I have encountered these tensions many times whilst working on this thesis.

Through the process of developing MSC and Buddhist practices and inquiry, in this academic environment, I have discovered a lot about myself, in terms of how I sabotage but also what I have to give and that it is ok to ask for help. Before learning self-compassion my inner-critic would have a field day with actual or predicted negative comments or appraisals, causing me to be reactive and defensive, with rumination and procrastination closely following. The habit of procrastination, fuelled by fear of failing, is significantly diminished because being self-compassionate has helped me acknowledge the scared part of me and offer soothing and gentle encouragement rather than beating myself up over what I have or have not done (Germer, 2009). As a result I feel more resilient, balanced and resourceful (Neff, Hseih and Dejitthirat, 2005) and, rather than being demotivated through self-criticism, I am more motivated to improve (Breines and Chen, 2012).

Journal: 12 September 2014

First two months of writing have been chaotic and spasmodic, feeling frustrated with myself as usual. Rather than this becoming a negative downward spiral of criticism and procrastination, I find this behaviour reduces when I bring in kindness and appreciation of what I do, do. I then feel encouraged and

consequently more motivated. The effect is noticeable and I am aware of a softer more compassionate voice within me, I am glad of its presence.

When doubt creeps back in, as it inevitably does, I find it harder to gather courage to begin writing and keep going. A core MSC practice that I apply is Loving Kindness for Ourselves, this encourages a wise compassionate voice that acknowledges struggle and advocates changes in thoughts and behaviour in order to reduce suffering. Neff (2011b) argues that rather than brandishing a stick to beat ourselves with in order to perform for meagre morsels of self-esteem, our self-compassionate actions emerge from a wish to thrive and be well. Rather than focus on negative and critical thoughts which activate the fear system and keeps attention on the accompanying pain (Gilbert and Proctor, 2006; Gilbert, et al., 2011), I can now bring in positive, constructive thoughts that broaden my perspective and opens up more helpful choices and responses (Fredrickson, 2001; Germer 2009). When I feel drained or despairing I will rest, when I have felt deeply affected by what has arisen in my writing I now stop and take care of myself. An indicator of the extent of my commitment to self-care was taking a year intermission, this would have been unthinkable previously but this level of active care provided recovery and brought greater strength and resilience, which enabled me to return to the doctoral programme.

Journal: 6-8 February 2015. Doctoral process

Noticing that lately my feeling towards this Doctorate is a labour of love, feeling great benefit from the contemplations and readings and deep joy when the fruits of practice act as nourishment for me, clients and students. This is in stark contrast to the majority of time in the previous 4 years when it has felt like a battle, a struggle for acceptance (on both sides), with persistent fierce doubt and despondency. Reflecting on what has shifted and how… it is due to increased self-compassion practice and study exponentially improving motivation and reaping benefits. My Buddhist practice and professional life feels so integral now compared to the fragmentation at the beginning of the process.

The Professional Doctorate requires continual navigation through demanding internal and external landscapes, exploring, connecting, analysing and understanding. Uncertainty is also an important part of the experience and sometimes I need to go round in circles and repeat the same routes until there is clarity. However, to ensure that I do not get hopelessly lost, I check that I am on solid ground theologically, conceptually and experientially. I do this through contemplation, Buddhist inquiry and testing out the teachings in order to be clear about what arises and how best to respond rather than seeing what is preferred or avoiding what is uncomfortable. Learning to seek help and cope with constructive criticism is a challenging part of the doctoral process but this has been significantly eased through self-compassion. With feedback on drafts and early papers, I found critiques hard to take and would also dismiss all the positive feedback (Neff, 2004; Neff, Hseih and Dejitthirat, 2005). It was a no-win situation; if the level of criticism did not match my own, I would feel mistrust, and when there were compliments I might feel short-term relief but my own judgments would soon erase any positive effects. In May 2016, I realised how much less personally I take comments and in doing so I am better able to respond to feedback and take responsibility for my part in the process.

Research Journal: May 2016

T said “you present much better than you write, if you wrote as succinctly as you speak it would be a lot better”, my ego felt bruised but my heart knows this is right. I remember smiling as we walked down the stairs and feeling grateful that she cared enough to be so forthright. Trusting this authenticity means also acknowledging all the very positive and encouraging feedback, recognising and accepting that both can have equal weight.

6.5 Conclusion

This chapter has considered the impact of my work and the effect of MSC. I have argued that psychology training and continuing professional development needs to include MSC training, make the hazards explicit, identify barriers to practitioner care and challenge the stigma of depression and burnout among psychologists. I have considered how MSC enriches the therapeutic relationship and the process of becoming an MSC teacher. My experience has highlighted how particular care is needed when engaging in this work because it makes direct contact with pain and can elicit very strong emotions. However, the fruits of MSC practice have been demonstrated, which are: awareness, acceptance, connection, wellbeing and transformation. Academically, self-compassion has helped with procrastination and motivation, taking responsibility, and has provided balance and resilience.

My aim in Chapter 6 was to discover what it really means to become a self- compassionate practitioner. I found how powerful it has been to form and share my story and how developing self-compassion fosters wisdom, courage and radical action. In Chapter 7 I will explore the far-reaching benefits of self-compassion in terms of how it can enable individuals and communities to take compassionate action into the world. Before we move onto the wider horizons of self-compassion, I will leave the last words of this chapter to two final reflections in my journal:

Journal: 24 June 2015

Noticed that I began the day by asking what I needed, NOT what do I need to DO!

Journal: 30 June 2015. The last day of my one-year journal.

Very fittingly, I am not working today! I have cleared my diary to spend it with a much-loved friend so that I will have the nourishment and therefore the energy for Prof Doc work this weekend.