Here’s how a sample roleplaying session might go, as well as a taste of how combat runs. Ash has just wrecked the Death Coaster thanks to the sudden appearance of Sheila.
Turn 1
Ash/Bruce: “You get that knucklehead on the
phone and tell him I want the Deadlands movie now! Screw Spider-Man 3! That’ll never make any
money anyway.”
Director: “Um, Bruce, can we get back to the
game?”
Sheila/Embeth: “Yeah, get with it dufus. I’ve
been waiting to play the Army of Darkness roleplay-
ing game for years!”
Ash/Bruce: “Sorry, sugarpie. Now where were
we? There was an army of the dead or something right?”
Director: “Yeah. You’ve just wrecked the Death
Coaster . . .”
Ash/Bruce: “Your dad’s gonna kill you for that,
Sam.”
Director: “. . . because Sheila appeared in front of
you.”
Sheila/Embeth: “I’ll go ahead and reveal my sur-
prise now.”
Director: “Bruce, Sheila stands over you, reveal-
ing cracked-white skin, sharp teeth, and an evil look in her eyes.”
Ash/Bruce: “That’s what you two were doing
back there? I thought you were ‘auditioning’ her again.”
Director: “Quiet, you!”
Sheila/Embeth: “I whip out my spear and stab
him right between the eyes!”
Ash/Bruce: “Whoa, baby. Can’t we talk about
this?”
Sheila/Embeth: “Pillow talk, baby. I stab him.” Director: “Okay. Sheila has you, so she goes first.
Make me a Dexterity plus Getting Medieval roll, Embeth.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Kewl. I’m all supergal now, so
my Dexterity is 6 right? And my Getting Medieval is 6. I rolled a 5 on that little weird numbered thing. That gives me a 17. Beat that, baby.”
Ash/Bruce: “No problem, Chiquita. I’m the Main
Man, remember? I roll out of the way like a banana.”
Director: “A banana?”
Ash/Bruce: “Yeah, a banana. Deal with it.
Dexterity 6, Getting Medieval 5. And the little plas- tic thing says 4. That’s a . . . agent?”
Agent: “15 Mr. Campbell.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Hah! Nailed you!”
Director: “Yikes. With Evil Sheila’s new and
improved Strength 5, the spear does 18 damage, plus four Success Levels makes it 22. Doubled because it’s Slash/stab makes it a whopping 44.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Girl Power!”
Ash/Bruce (slaps his face in a really good Three
Stooges/Curly fashion): “My turn. What’s near me?”
Director: “Well, you’re kind of near the pit.” Ash/Bruce: “Perfect. I grab the spear and use it
to flip her into the pit. I’m giving you the shaft, baby.”
Director: “Sweet. I should use that in my next
film. Okay, both of you make a Strength and Kung Fu roll.”
Ash/Bruce: “My agent says I got a 16.” Sheila/Embeth: “Dang.”
Director: “Do you need help?”
Sheila/Embeth: “I can do my own math, thank
you. This little die hates me. It rolled a one. That’s just a 12.”
Ash/Bruce: “Heh heh heh. Dig the chin, baby.
H. E. R. O.”
Sheila/Embeth: “I spend a Drama Point. That
gives me a 22, right?”
Ash/Burce: “Oooh!”
Director: “Nice! Embeth, you’re supposed to
decide to use them when I ask you what you want to do, before you roll anything.”
Ash/Bruce: “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.”
Director: “But this is your first time, so I’ll let you
get away with it. Sorry, Bruce. You try to flip Sheila but she overpowers you and slaps you upside the head with the haft.”
Ash/Bruce: “Damn right I’m getting the shaft.” Director: “No, the haft. She hits you with the
haft.”
Ash/Bruce: “What’s a ‘haft?’”
Director: “The stick. The stick part of the spear.” Ash/Bruce: “Nerd.”
117
Turn 2
Director: “Okay. Next Turn. What does every-
one want to do? You’ll be going first, Bruce, since Ash is the star.”
Ash/Bruce: “Let’s try out this chainsaw.” Sheila/Embeth: “BRUCE!”
Ash/Bruce: “Come on, baby. Lemme show you
my tool.”
Sheila/Embeth: “All right, wise guy. I’ll use that
Beguile power you told me about, Sam.”
Director: “Oh, nice one! Okay. You go first then
since Ash has to start up the chainsaw. What do you say? Let’s see you act.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Oh, Ash! Don’t hurt me! I
believe in you! You are the Promised One!”
Ash/Bruce: “I gotta put up with that crap?” Director: “Make a Willpower roll.”
Ash/Bruce: “I double those right?”
Director: “Usually, but not with Sheila. You
loooooove her.”
Sheila/Embeth: “You looooove me! You
looooove me!”
Ash/Bruce: “Creepy. Okay. Agent says 8.” Director: “Nope. Not good enough. Ash powers
down the chainsaw and says ‘Sheila?’ That’s your Turn.”
Ash/Bruce: “That’s crap.”
Turn 3
Director: “Okay, you don’t want to chop her up
anymore. It just doesn’t feel right.”
Ash/Bruce: “Yeah, right. Don’t I cut up my girl-
friends like every other night?”
Sheila/Embeth: “What a lady’s man.”
Ash/Bruce: “I didn’t see you complaining last
night, baby.”
Director: “Okay. Tell me what you want to do
Embeth—Ash is still confused from your transfor- mation so I’ll give you initiative again.”
Sheila/Embeth: “I’ll lunge at him and throttle the
jerk. See if I can’t use these pretty new nails to rip out a jugular or two.”
Ash/Bruce: “Damn. When did you get so blood-
thirsty? And where are the jugglers? Did I miss something?”
Director (gives Bruce “the look.”): “Okay. You
have to grapple first, but you can take an extra action if you want since your Dexterity is 6. That lets you Grapple and Choke all in one move. What do you want to do, Bruce?”
Ash/Bruce (looks at Embeth and acts hurt): “I’ll
go full defense this Turn. She’s got blood in her eyes.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Okay, Grapple is Dexterity and
Kung Fu + 2. I get an 21.”
Ash/Bruce: “My agent says 14. Hey knuckle-
head, you add that +3 for me going full defensive? That’s what I thought. Better start calling Eric Estrada. That’s a 17, Sam.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Hah! Still not good enough.
Dead by dawn! Now I get to choke you. Hmm. Strength and Kung Fu plus a die roll. I get 18.”
Director: “Minus 2 for your second attack this
Turn. That’s a 16.”
Ash/Bruce: “Mr. Ten Percent says 15.”
Director: “Evil Sheila glides across the ground
and grasps you by the throat. You feel her fingers sinking into your flesh. Lose four Life Points, and you’re at –2 to your actions until you break free . . . or suffocate.”
Ash/Bruce: “Man, I’m really hurting from that
Death Coaster crash and the spear that almost nailed Stanley.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Stanley?”
Ash/Bruce: “Yeah. As in the power drill.” Director: “Didn’t we use that gag already in this
book?”
All: “Shhh!”
Ash/Bruce: “I’ll spend one of those Drama Point
thingies. The kind that give me all my Life Points back.”
Director: “Ah, the ones that don’t exist. You can
spend a Drama Point to get back half of the Life Points you’ve lost.”
Ash/Bruce: “That’ll do. Now get your hands off
me, witch.”
Sheila/Embeth: “Rude, but hot. Let’s go,
LOVER.”