Tramite de separación o divorcio por causa determinada

In many South Asian families, people live in a joint family system and often women in this family unit experience emotional stress “not only from the desire of the male to control and dominate his spouse, but also from the desire of other women to reinforce their own authority within the home” (Agnew, 1998:171). A new bride in the family will have to find her place within the home next to a sister-in-law and a mother-in-law. This hierarchy makes it difficult for women to challenge gender roles collectively as the women in the family are also competing for status. The role of the daughter-in-law in the Indian family is a position that is limiting and complex gender role construction begins by South Asian immigrant parents being hyper-vigilant in regulating the behaviours of their daughters as these daughters represent the purity and honour of the family name as well as their cultural lineage. In some families, learning English meant exposure to corrupting Western thought, hence it was not encouraged amongst women. These days, the importance and the status of English language have gained recognition but the ‘corrupting’ influence of Western ideas remains a deep concern.

After marriage, the gender role construction of a woman is monitored by the in-laws. The in-laws often take it upon themselves to re-socialize their daughters-in-law on how to behave in their family unit. This in-law relationship is powerful, burdensome, and frequently heavily restricting for married South Asian women. With the monitoring of their behaviours, South Asian women often find themselves situated in conflict between trying to forge an independent identity from their family obligations so that they can live, socialize, and compete professionally in Western society, while simultaneously being pressured to retain their ethnic identity. The daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship can be a complex arrangement in which “newly married Asian women have to conform to yet another set of cultural expectations and pressures about how to fulfil their [newly] prescribed roles” as daughter-in-laws” (Rana et al., 1998:222).

The general South Asian stereotype of mother-in-law, presented through the narratives in the mainstream South Asian culture and highlighted in the media, usually portrays them as evil and controlling women. While teaching ESOL at Southall, I had come across an Indian

woman attending the ESOL course to accompany her newly arrived daughter in law. I had also heard the story of a friend’s daughter married into a Gujarati family had to face acute difficulties in adjusting to her husband’s family as they expected her to get up before dawn, serve everyone in the family and go to bed after midnight, only when everyone else had retired. Given this background I was expecting to hear similar horror stories about mothers- in-law making life miserable for my participants. However, a number of participants shared their positive experiences about mother-in-laws, which highlights the fact that identities are constantly changing and gender roles are flexible. Speaking of her successful career after coming to the UK, Charita, a civil servant, mentioned earlier, credits her mother-in-law for supporting her achievements.

Charita: My mother –in-law; she struggled a lot in her life. She is settled here and she is very determined. She can’t read nor write, however, she managed to get all her kids well educated, well-placed and well-disciplined, I must say. She always wanted to study. She attended some ESOL but she was always busy, she ran her own business, when the father-in-law passed away, with her own money and her own determination. My whole family from husband’s side is in Dar-e-slam in Tanzania, she is the only one who moved out. She brought all of us here. I give her a lot of credit. She is struggling with her writing. We teach her, we teach her lots of words. She is just superb. Usually, you would never hear the daughter-in-law talking good about the mother-in-law but this one is commendable. Both my mother and my mother-in- law are still alive .. and I tell my mother, you got no place .. (laughs). Probably I am one of those open-minded ones, I don’t sit on the fence, I take no nonsense. Get on with things and move on.

Charita then compares how her mother pestered her for getting married. She recalls how she struck a deal with her mother in order to live her life the way she wanted to. She promised her mother to marry the boy of her mother’s choice as long as her mother allows her to do whatever she wants until she is 28. She also narrates how her determination to lead her own life on her own terms changed her mother over the period of time. Now Charita’s mother wants her daughter-in-law to complete her education. She is even willing to pay for her education. She insists on her granddaughters receiving the best education. Charita’s struggle to pay for her own further education has changed a lot of things for her

entire family. Her rebelliousness and aspirations are an example of how South Asian women reconstruct their identity on their own terms. While doing so, Charita also tries to abide by her religion, Jainism, with adherence to strict dietary and religious restrictions, in the best possible way.

As mentioned earlier, the case of another participant, Sangita, tells us how she strategically managed the relationship with her mother-in-law and eventually won her over, motivated her to be active and live a meaningful social life.

Just like the daughters-in-law changing their ways to adapt to the new social and cultural life, the mother-in-law cohort are also adaptive and challenge mother-in-law stereotypes. Kunju, who even at the age of 82 still manages to live on her own because she does not want to disrupt the lifestyle of her daughter-in-law. Usually in South Asian culture, it is implied that the son will take care of the mother. Kunju however, prefers to live on her own and even support herself by sowing clothes.

Kunju: I like to live alone… if I live with my son, and I do this sowing work, I don’t want them to feel that I have people coming and disturbing them. I like to be independent…

So it can be seen that it is not only the daughters-in-law that defy traditional notions of female behaviour; mothers-in-law in the diaspora are also responding to the changes in the life style by doing things differently.

It is generally observed that the dynamics of relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in South Asian culture is usually stressful because of the patriarchal structure of the family. However, these examples show that they are perceived within an essentialist framework, they are not immutable entities, but constantly reconstructed and specific to particular historical periods. Accepting a white daughter-in-law, although, remains shocking to Gujarati families. One woman in this research has accepted a white daughter-in-law. She found it difficult to digest it initially.

Urmi expressed her thoughts:

“When my son said he wanna marry a white girl, it was so stressful for us.. we thinking how can we have a white girl , will she understand our culture…will she

laugh at my English? Then we came to know she is from Bulgaria… means... no white like English people who speak English.”

Urmi’s views on the racial difference of her daughter-in-law were more concerned with language and culture than the difference of skin colour. Parekh (2000) in his report on the Future of Multi-ethnic Britain argues: “All communities are changing and all are complex, with internal diversity and disagreements, linked to differences of gender, generation, religion and language, and to different stances in relation to wider society. Also, there are many overlaps, borrowings and two-way influences – no community is or can be insulated from all others.

Areas for future research should examine the role of the mother-in-law in the diaspora, as this group of women has also not been widely studied within the South Asian community and thus could provide an excellent balance to the voices of South Asian daughter-in-laws. Further, deconstructing the mother-in-law role will presumably compare and contrast the changes this group of women has experienced to that of their daughter-in-laws. By finding the similarities or common ground that women experience, resist and modify in South Asian families, women can challenge the essentialized images (Mirza, 1997).