4. Un salto temporal: el espiritualismo
4.4 Últimos cuentos
After the divorce, especially if the experience is stressful, people whose friends and relatives offer them social support adjust better.102Social support from family and friends is related to better psychological ad- justment and fewer health problems.103The kind of support that ap- pears to be most helpful is socioemotional—companionship, listen- ing, socializing—not giving money or material things.104People feel supported when they receive expressions of approval and acceptance, empathy and intimacy.105However, this raises a question: does social support actually promote better adjustment, or do people who are ad- justing better (for other reasons) elicit or acknowledge higher levels of support from their friends? In one experimental study, individuals who were getting over a divorce were invited to join a social support semi- nar group. Social support among group members did increase over the course of the ten-week seminar; however, no improvement in divorce adjustment was observed.106It is apparently not so easy to help people adjust to the woes of divorce just by giving them some short-term sym- pathetic social contact with relative strangers. It may be that social sup- port simply accompanies better adjustment; it may be that social sup- port has to come naturally from friends and relatives.
A network of friends is the most likely natural source of support for people going through a divorce.107Friends are good for child care and chauffeuring, companionship and comfort. People who have more friends and a larger social network and who engage in more fre- quent interaction with their friends adjust better to divorce.108In one study of divorced mothers, in fact, the most consistent predictor of ad- justment was how much socializing they did with their friends.109 People who are socially isolated or who don’t have much social activity after the divorce do not do so well.110However, social activity itself does not compensate for lack of emotional support and intimacy. What matters most is the quality of the social interaction. Psychologi- cal adjustment after divorce is better if the network is stable and con- tains good friends.111Having a slew of casual new acquaintances can be lonely and distressing.112It is also depressing if friends don’t accept and approve of the divorce.113It helps if the social network contains
others who are themselves divorced.114Not only are these divorce vet- erans more likely to approve of a divorce, but realizing that others have been through the same—or worse—experiences helps people put their own problems in perspective and aids them in overcoming their sense of being social outcasts. Associating with other divorced individ- uals works well as long as the person doesn’t become isolated in a di- vorced world, which reinforces their sense of alienation.
A supportive family can offer help that eases the divorced indi- vidual’s transition through divorce and facilitates their long-term ad- justment.115Parents can often be counted on for practical assistance— for financial support, housing, and child care—and their presence is helpful in combating loneliness and isolation.116Approval and emo- tional support from parents are also helpful.117However, living in the same house and receiving advice from parents about what to do and how to do it is not.118In fact, it can be downright stressful. Women who move back home report interference and criticism from their par- ents.119Siblings can be more understanding and emotionally support- ive than parents, although they are often busy, live far away, and may be estranged as a result of childhood rivalries.120Having contact, ap- proval, and support from former in-laws—although infrequent—is another factor that predicts well-being and adjustment.121
The most important source of support after divorce, though, is having one close relationship with a good friend or a new partner. Di- vorced people who have a best friend, a confidant, someone who offers them social intimacy, feel less depressed and anxious and adjust better to the divorce.122They are less stressed than if they have only a net- work of people with shared interests and values.123And even better than a best friend, is a new love interest.124
Dating is an important part of the divorce adjustment process for both men and women. It serves a socialization function in familiariz- ing divorced individuals with the customs and values of the singles world they have just joined. It helps them appraise their own strengths and weaknesses. It reduces their loneliness.125 Divorced individuals who are dating are better adjusted than those who are not.126They are more likely to have accepted the fact that their marriage is over and they must move on, and they are less attached to their former spouse.127 But just dating or sleeping around is not the solution. Promiscuity can
cause problems—mental ones, as well as physical.128The benefits of dating come from dating someone steadily and romantically, someone who offers intimate emotional support.129When this leads to living together, the rewards are even greater. Divorced people who are cohab- iting are happier than those who live alone, and those who remarry have improved psychological functioning, at least for a while.130