La Razón de la Sinrazón

Eighteen years after the divorce,my mom fears that the deep scars it left will never heal. She still feels sad and resentful because she worked so hard to put my dad through school and she was left with nothing. She still feels angry that her parents helped pay for so many things and my dad never paid them back. She is bitter because my dad blames the divorce completely on her. She is sorry because she had many close friends on his side of the family and now they are gone. She is hurt be- cause her parents tried to stay close to my dad’s family,but my dad’s family always snubs them. I believe that these issues will never be re- solved and my mom will suffer from them forever.

that paralleled and extended the three observed by Wallerstein.274_The Virginia study began in  with  couples,  of them divorced, each with a four-year-old child. As in Wallerstein’s study, parents and children, who were European American and middle class, were inter- viewed and assessed at intervals over three decades; however, these fam- ilies did not receive counseling. Using statistical methods of analysis, Hetherington identified six different patterns of adjustment. The most common pattern was labeled “good-enough” ( percent of the sam- ple). These individuals were average copers. Ten years after the divorce, they were living lives that looked like their lives before the divorce— same old problems, same old complaints. For them, divorce was like a speed bump in the road; it caused problems while they were going over it, but it failed to leave a lasting impression, positive or negative. A sec- ond group were the “competent loners.” These individuals ( percent of the women and  percent of the men in the sample) were well ad- justed, self-sufficient, and socially skilled. They didn’t need (or want) a partner. They were doing just fine on their own. In contrast, individu- als in a third group, the “seekers” ( percent of the sample), were eager to find new mates. They were anxious and depressed and needed some- one to lean on. A fourth, small group of individuals ( percent of the women and  percent of the men) were labeled “swingers”; ten years after divorce, they were still playing the field. Together, these four groups might be considered divorce “survivors.” Like Wallerstein’s sur- vivors, they added up to about  percent of the sample. The remain- ing two groups were equivalent to Wallerstein’s winners and losers. The winners, or “enhancers” (nearly  percent of the women and  percent of the men), fared well over time. They grew more competent, well ad- justed, and fulfilled over the ten years after their divorce. The losers, or the “defeated” ( percent of the women and  percent of the men), re- mained in despair—helpless, poor, depressed.

It is clear from these studies that the long-term consequences of divorce vary vastly for different individuals. Most people manage to survive; they end up in the same place they started, albeit with a differ- ent partner or on their own. A smaller number turn the divorce into a growth experience; they end up ahead, smiling and confident. The smallest number—at least among middle-class adults—are the people who are defeated by the divorce and never fully recover.

Summary

A host of effects ensue in the aftermath of divorce. Perhaps the clearest and most consistent is downward economic mobility. Adults’ social lives are disrupted too, with fewer couple-related activities, diminished contact with former in-laws, and loss of shared friends. Roles change as divorced wives take on more responsibility in the workplace and their husbands more—or less—responsibility for child care. Not surprisingly, these lifestyle changes are often accompanied by a rise in psychological problems. Both men and women experience elevated rates of prob- lems, including traffic accidents, substance abuse, and depression— above and beyond the troubles experienced before the breakup. Physi- cal and health-related maladies—weight loss, sleep disturbances, fa- tigue, and lowered immune functioning—also rise after divorce.

Although both men and women suffer these negative effects, they suffer in somewhat different ways. Men more often have severe emotional reactions to the initial separation; women more often have less severe symptoms that last longer. The reason for this difference seems to be that men suffer the loss of daily contact with their children but retain their higher incomes, more established careers, larger social networks, and better remarriage potential; women retain custody of their children but have less money and resources and find the continu- ing burdens of single parenting stressful and demanding.

How quickly and how well adults adjust to divorce depend on a number of factors. Those who are younger, better educated, and psy- chologically strong have the best chance of a rapid recovery. Being open to divorce and less tied to traditional gender roles also eases ad- justment. Being the initiator of the breakup makes it easier to manage the stress of divorce in the short run, but this is not a major factor for long-term adjustment. An independent and secure income is more im- portant; individuals who suffer a large drop in income and its conse- quent changes in lifestyle are especially at risk for adjustment difficul- ties. Having a stable, satisfying, and well-paying job, likewise, is linked with better divorce outcomes because it leads to better economic cir- cumstances and provides social support.

Social, emotional, and material support from friends, family, and co-workers is important in the process of adjusting to divorce; even

one close relationship helps ease stress and strain. Dating can reduce isolation and loneliness, especially with a steady and supportive part- ner; casual dating is of limited help. If informal support systems are not available, professional programs such as workshops and therapy can re- duce depression, raise self-esteem, and improve adjustment. Even after divorce, getting along with the former spouse is related to adjustment: couples who continue to be angry and in conflict have more psycho- logical problems than couples who cooperate; however, being too close to and preoccupied with the former mate can interfere with long-term adjustment and prevent future planning.

Despite the litany of negative outcomes that characterize the af- termath of divorce, the good news is that three or four years after the divorce most people are back to “normal.” These divorce “survivors” have resumed their lives and their predivorce levels of mental health. A small group of individuals continue to suffer loneliness, isolation, and economic hardship; they never fully recover from the loss of their mar- riage. In contrast, a somewhat larger group experiences personal growth, increased autonomy, heightened self-esteem, and more occu- pational success. Women are more likely than men to be the beneficia- ries of these positive effects, but some divorced dads do gain a new ap- preciation for their children after divorce. Thus, the effects of divorce vary over time, across individuals, and between the sexes.

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