Chapter 3
Agree to
Negotiate
87Once you are clear that there is a problem and you have clarified what the problem is, it is time to engage your partner to work with you to find a cooperative solution for it, to Agree to Negotiate.
Attempting to solve a problem without an Agreement to Negotiate means your intention will be unclear to your partner. If, when you brought up problems in the past, you have found yourself competing, fighting, arguing, doing without, being a martyr, feeling manipulated or exploited, giving in to “keep the peace,” or otherwise getting nowhere, it is prob- ably because you began trying to work on the problem without a clear, mutually understood agreement that you’d work together to find the solution. Your partner may think you are complaining, criticizing, or just ventilating.
You can avoid struggling and fighting if you make certain your part- ner is prepared to work cooperatively with you. Getting an Agreement to Negotiate with your partner means you have a spoken contract that each of you will give your best effort and attention to working coopera- tively to resolve the problem you’ve defined to your mutual satisfaction. Getting an Agreement to Negotiate minimizes competition and strug- gling and encourages cooperation between you because it establishes the following important criteria for problem-solving:
1. It establishes that you are problem-solving and not discussing, arguing, commiserating or anything else. 2. It makes clear your mutual commitment to work together
to solve the problem.
3. It is a way of communicating to each other that you are
both participating in the process of negotiating.
4. It helps you focus your attention on the task of solving the problem.
You’ve probably had the experience of bringing up a problem only to have your partner assume that your intention is to fix blame, decide who is right and who is wrong, get your way at his or her expense, or just generally complain. Without overtly agreeing to negotiate beforehand, you are more likely to argue because your intention to problem-solve is unclear. For example, Michelle, 24, and Lou, 35, struggle over who has the power in their relationship:
Michelle and Lou
Michelle: Lou, you treat me like I’m a little girl all the time
and that’s getting to be a serious problem for me.
Lou: Well, you act like a little girl. You act so helpless about
doing things around the house and about money. What do you expect me to do?
Michelle: There are some things you do more easily than I,
but that doesn’t make me your little girl! There are also some things I’m really good at and you still treat me as if I’m in- competent and unworthy of respect.
Lou: What are you complaining about? I pay the rent and I
pay for everything when we go out! You want to start paying half of everything?
Michelle: (defiant) Maybe I do. Lou: Hah! That’ll be the day.
Michelle never mentioned that she would like to solve a problem, so Lou interpreted her complaint as an attack, responded defensively, and they never got beyond arguing. Michelle’s problem of feeling patronized and demeaned is still
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Agree to Negotiate
unsolved (and effectively not communicated to Lou), and al- though Lou may feel that he “won,” Michelle’s frustration and anger from the argument will make it difficult for him to get the intimacy he wants.
If Michelle had Defined the Problem and asked for an Agreement to Negotiate, Lou might have felt consulted instead of attacked and therefore, would have been less likely to get defensive, and more able to hear what she was saying.
But arguments can also happen even when one partner clearly offers to negotiate, but the other partner has not clearly agreed to join in nego- tiating. Here Michelle clearly wants to negotiate, and so does Lou, but he is still defensive:
Michelle: (stating problem, taking responsibility for her part, but vague) Lou, I’m getting more and more uncomfort-
able about the way you treat me. My behavior and attitude probably has something to do with it, but I don’t know what. Can we talk about this and see if we can solve it?
Lou: I don’t like it either. (not a clear agreement)
Michelle: (begins restating problem without a clear agree- ment) When you tell people that I don’t know something or I
can’t do something, I feel incompetent and uncomfortable. If you would give me credit for knowing what I know and do- ing what I’m good at, I would feel a lot better.
Lou: (defensive, not trying to cooperate) Well, why don’t
you talk back? Why don’t you stand up for yourself?
Michelle: (beginning to argue) I don’t know. It just seems
futile, I guess.
Lou: Well, there you are! You just give up! I wish you’d grow up! Michelle stated her problem and asked to negotiate. Then she proceeded to discuss the problem as if she had gotten an agreement when, in fact, Lou had not agreed to nego- tiate. That left Lou free to avoid negotiation by criticizing her.
In order to have an effective, successful negotiation, both of you must be committed to the problem-solving effort. Without a mutual agreement, you will probably wind up struggling instead of working together to find a solution.
This chapter will show you how to get an Agreement to Negotiate with your partner, how to be sure both of you are equally committed to solving the problem together, and what to do if your partner won’t agree. Because this agreement is the first step toward making a mutual commitment to Cooperative Problem Solving, there are more possible barriers to the Agreement to Negotiate than any other step in the pro- cess. In learning to overcome these barriers you will learn most of the skills that end competitive struggles and make cooperation possible. This will make using the remaining steps of the Negotiation Tree much easier and speed you on your way toward a truly cooperative partner- ship. You can see the change in Lou’s response when Michelle uses what she learned about Defining the Problem, and gets Lou’s agreement be- fore negotiating.
Michelle: (clearly defining problem and taking responsi- bility for her part) Lou, I have a problem I’d like your help
with. I often feel like you’re the one in charge and I’m your little girl. I know both of us contribute to that interaction, and I’d like your help in solving that problem. We’re both missing out if we can’t be our full selves with each other and act as partners. I think you’d get a lot more of what you want if we worked together as equal adults, and I’d like to see the playful little boy side of you once in a while.
Lou: And I’m tired of being grown-up all the time. Let’s see if
we can negotiate this.
Michelle: Okay.
Now that Lou and Michelle both understand the problem and have clearly agreed to negotiate it, the chance that they will be equally committed to solving the problem are much greater, as is the likelihood that they will successfully reach a mutually satisfactory agreement.
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Agree to Negotiate
You don’t need to ask for an agreement as formally as Michelle did, but it needs to be clearly communicated and clearly agreed to as in this examples:
Fred: Naomi, I’m really unhappy about our sex life and you
seem to be unhappy lately, too. Let’s sit down and see if we can sort this out together.
Naomi: Yeah, I’d like to do that.
Don: I’m going to start riding my bike to work on Thursdays