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In this context, "parts" are meant as in a personality trait, a way of thinking, or part of a person. This can be VERY powerful.

A key concept to think about is to ALWAYS assume that there is a part of someone that does agree with you, or has the same wishes that you do.

• If a person is shy, there is a more adventurous part to themselves

• If a person is outspoken, there is a more quiet side

• If a person is well-thought-out (thinks things through and takes time), there is a more decisive, more spontaneous side to them.

Let's say you are in a discussion with someone.

• If an adventurous, fun, exciting part of a person is being discussed, and they feel that way, great.

• What if it is not? What if they say they are shy, or reserved, or normally don't "do" certain things?

• Then talk about that first (shy) part, verify it, and then say (for example)...

• "That's because there is another part, that XYZ part", (where XYZ is a different or maybe the opposite behavior, that part of the person or type of behavior that DOES agree with you), and start to discuss and validate that OTHER part.

Let's break this down. In a discussion, if a personality trait, a "side" to the person, a way of acting or being is being discussed (and one that does not necessarily work in your favor) ...

• Acknowledge the first part that is being discussed, directly or indirectly o For example, if the person is shy

o "I understand how some people are shy, they hold back, they are quiet.. etc."

• Bring up and acknowledge the fact that there is "another" part, or side, or view, or way of looking at it, experiencing it...

o Either in general like "there may be another side"

o or more directly... "you may have the other side"

o or by example "I know someone like that, and I have found she has this other side, etc."

o "Many people like that also have another side to themselves, another part hidden away, that is more ... adventurous ...."

o "You may have (or do have) another part (or side, etc)"

o "I know someone similar who as this other part to themselves, etc"

• Discuss this new or other "part"

o "With many people, that adventurous side is just waiting to come out, just looking for the right time. In fact a friend of mine is very shy and one time, what she did ... etc."

• If this new or other "side" works more in your favor, lean more on the language and linking tools to bring it out, make it be experienced, link it to you.

o "When you start to listen to this adventurous side .... etc."

• There will be a lot of this shown in examples here in this section and at the end of the program.

Because you are discussing several things, or parts, in a way you are also using Compare and Contrast as well. In many ways, we are also reframing! We are changing the way they look at things, their reactions, their way of walking through and looking at the world.

Don't Confront, Discuss.

You do not want to appear to challenge or invalidate and personality trait that is being shown.

• Many times you don't want to say "because there is another part" because that seems too direct, too confrontational, it may sound like you are arguing or challenging the person, so be careful.

• Remember, you are NOT discussing this as to say, "you are wrong" or to show how smart you are! You are just talking, having a conversation, etc.

• You can work around this issue (of possible confrontation) by saying things like o "I think another way of looking at that trait is ...

o "Well, I understand you have that side to you. People have many sides to themselves. This one side .... etc etc etc. There are also other sides to people ...

o "A friend of mine does that as well, and what I noticed about her is that she also has this other side to her...

o "I have a friend who was "X" (where X is the trait being discussed), and she realized that she, deep down, was also "Y".

o "I was reading somewhere about things like that and what it was saying was. ..."

Strategic Formula for Parts of a Person

Use Parts of a Person as a way to find, discuss, and evoke favorable states, feelings, and beliefs, even when the other person claims or demonstrates that such parts are NOT there.

Tactical Formula for Parts of a Person

For every part of a person that will work against you, assume there is a part that will work WITH you.

Find a personality trait, way of thinking, or part of the person (mostly something which has a negative connotation)

Acknowledge that personality trait, way of thinking, or part of the person by discussing or addressing it Think about a personality trait, way of thinking, or part of the person that is somehow related (which works in your favor) or somewhat opposite, that can work in your favor.

Introduce and discuss that "other part" in a way that works to your advantage.

Examples:

• Lets say that a person says they are not into taking challenges; they like to play things safe. Well, that may be true but also there is another part of them ...

• Maybe someone says they can be jealous...

• Maybe someone is secretive...

• Maybe someone lies ... (not good in a person, but it can be handled ...)

Exercises for Parts of a Person 1) What if someone says, "I am boring".

What personality traits (or what other parts or ways of thinking) are similar? Which are somewhat opposite?

Write down 3 that are similar, and 3 that are opposite.

Traits similar to "Being Boring"

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Traits opposite to "Being Boring"

Of those that you listed, which could you maybe "use" in a good way?

2) Think about how you would discuss the boring part, and then bring up this other "part" that you selected. Look at the formula earlier, and some of the variations mentioned for language examples. Imagine a conversation and how you might do this. Practice this out loud.

3) What if someone says that they are shy?

What personality traits (or what other parts or ways of thinking) are similar? Which are somewhat opposite?

Write down 3 that are similar, and 3 that are opposite.

Traits similar to "Being Shy"

Traits opposite to "Being Shy"

Of those that you listed, which could you maybe "use" in a good way?

4) Think about how you would discuss that shy part, and then bring up this other "part" that you selected. Look at the formula earlier, and some of the variations mentioned for language examples. Imagine a conversation and

how you might do this. Practice this out loud.

5) From the list you just made (and selected from), pick another part or trait. Now do a similar exercise again out loud, but this time, be aware of opportunities to maybe mark off an embedded command or two (or more), maybe do some linking an anchoring, use this/that/these/those ... etc.

6) Lets say someone says "I am not into meeting any new people right now" ... What personality traits (or what other parts, or ways of thinking) are similar? Which are somewhat opposite? Think about 1-2 that you could use.

Traits similar to "not into meeting any new people"

Traits opposite to "not into meeting any new people"

Practice out loud how you might first discuss "I am not into meeting any new people right now" and then transition into the other parts or traits that you selected.

7) Do the above example again, but ROW see how many of the speaking and language tools you can use.

8) Lets say someone says they have trouble meeting new people, being open, trusting their own judgment...?

What other part, trait, etc could you discuss? Try that out loud.

9) Lets say someone says "I only like dating my TYPE"?

What other part, trait, etc could you discuss? Try that out loud.

Assignments for Parts of a Person

1) For the next week or two, make note of when you are having a personal conversation with anyone. See if what they are saying describes or is pointing out any personality traits (or a "part" of themselves, or mentions

a "way of thinking").

After the conversation, make a note of these traits or parts. See if you can arrive at a similar part or trait that you can discuss that could be used in your favor. Or, see if you could maybe think of an opposite one that could be discussed.

Opposite (or similar?) trait or Traits or parts that part that might actually work Conversation with were discussed. in your favor

2) After you have become more comfortable noticing such traits after-the-fact, see if you can notice them WHILE talking to someone. You don't have to discuss them (yet) just make a point to note these traits, or parts, WHILE talking to someone.

3) Now that you can recognize these traits when talking to someone, start to bring them up IN the conversation.

Use the formula and the variations mentioned earlier. Just notice the trait or part being mentioned, acknowledge it, and then point out some other trait or part that might work in your favor somehow.

An easy way to do this is when a friend or acquaintance is being self-deprecating in some manner, or putting him or herself down for some reason. See if you can note that "part" of who they are, and then find a way to discuss another part that is more favorable or positive.

3.7 OPPORTUNITIES AND CHALLENGES D7-T34