Conócete a ti mismo

So far, we have looked at assumptions as barriers to be overcome through the Manager Coach enabling the individual to name and then remove them.

The coachee is then able to discover the possibilities that are released by an alternative true assumption, or a reframe.

There is another role that a Manager Coach can play as a challenger to thought, which is to confront those things that individuals believe should not apply to them; the things that we each would like to believe are not true but are, in fact, givens of being human and working in organizations.

David Richo⁵ calls these the five things we cannot change, and he names them as:

1. Everything changes and ends.

2. Things do not always go to plan.

3. Life is not always fair.

4. Pain is part of life.

5. People are not always loving and loyal.

Viewed from a distance, individuals will recognize the truth in all these givens, but when experiencing their impact directly, we barter.

Everything changes and ends but please not until I am ready for it

Things don’t always go according to plan but I want to be in control of the plan

Life is not always fair but it should be to me Pain is part of life but I’d rather avoid it People are not loving and loyal all the time but they should be to me People want to believe those givens do not apply to them, even though they can see clearly how they apply to others.

g A colleague should just accept that the job is becoming redundant and move on to something new.

g A team member should understand that there are no promises about careers, all are dependent on business conditions, which regularly change.

g A friend should see that promotions are always about more than being the best performer.

g A direct report should recognize that any transition involves the pain of letting go and the uncertainty of what is coming next.

g A member of the sales team should not be surprised when customers go elsewhere even though you have worked your ‘butt’ off to meet their needs. That’s life.

When it impacts on ourselves the perspective shifts, because the given is attacking our ego, and the ego fights back. In coming to a manager and discussing an issue they are struggling with, it is likely that at some point that person’s ego will appear to complain against one of life’s givens.

g ‘It’s not fair that . . .’

g ‘It’s too early for change.’

g ‘This should not be happening. It wasn’t in the plan.’

g ‘This is really difficult for me.’

g ‘I can’t believe they could behave in that way when we are friends/

colleagues/mothers/doing the same job.’

In expressing the failure of the ‘given’ to be acted out, their hope is that the Manager Coach will provide reassurance that the given does not apply to them.

The challenge for the Manager Coach is to help the coachee to accept the given and then work with it, because to collude with the belief that it does not operate is to guarantee disappointment and frustration. This perspective does not sit easily with a prevailing assumption of the successful, that with enough will and effort outcomes can be controlled. However, life in organizations constantly shows that control is not a given. Things we value do end, and not always in ways that are comfortable. Complete control of an outcome is never possible. Unfair things do happen to people regardless of the number of policies put in place to prevent it. The demands of organizational life are painful at times, and good people sometimes do things that are uncaring. An alternative perspective drawn from Buddhism argues that it is in accepting the given that people can find new possibilities. It is when they deny the given that they become trapped by anger and frustration.

Having the courage to work with the given is particularly important when a coach is working within an organization. The Manager Coach holds a unique position in sitting between the organization and the individual.

Occupying that position means that the Manager Coach has a responsibility to work with the organizational givens in fulfilling their coaching role.

Coaching to accept life’s givens does not mean becoming a Buddhist.

It means being able to challenge thought through holding a position that does not try to rescue the other person by giving false reassurances, or to protect themselves from the other’s anger by supporting ideas that they know to be non-viable.

If we avoid acknowledging the givens, the Manager Coach is taking on the position of a parent who tries to protect their child from more than they think they can deal with. As a Manager Coach your role is not to provide protection from hurt or to judge how much truth a staff member can deal with, but to use the truth in ways that will help the coachee to ground themselves, and to be more capable of dealing with that truth.

Many years ago I worked within a University Careers Service. I stayed far too long in the job because it was a great town to live in and I was enjoying being single and having fun. In order to justify my lack of career progress I built the job up year by year, taking on more and more responsibilities. These took me further and further away from the core purpose of the role. I built a job that worked very well for me, and then I began to feel that my contribution was not being adequately financially rewarded. I began to see the University as being unfair to me, and I decided to confront the Dean on the matter. Armed with all the data on my contribution I sat down convinced he would back down before the evidence. He heard me out and then said, ‘I can see that you are doing a lot of good things, and it seems unfair to you that you are not being paid extra for them. However, we don’t need you to do many of those things you have decided you want to do. If you want recognition for them, you need to look elsewhere’.

Staff member Organization

M a n a g e r

Figure 7.6 The Manager coach sits between the staff member and the organization

I left the session enraged at his unwillingness to cede ground. With distance, I can see that what he did was to hold the ground between myself and the organization through signalling to me that my sense of unfairness was based on a model of what the organization should want of me, rather than what it did want of me.

In retrospect, it was a great piece of coaching. By challenging my thought he forced me to confront the lack of attention I had been giving to my own career, and within months I had left the University for a more appropriate role.