Stiflers aren’t like Seethers. They avoid difficult conversations by staying quiet and keeping the peace. They often negate, deny, or tamp down their own feelings in an effort to maintain a serene atmosphere. Someday, they may explode like a Seether, but it’s more likely they’ll become depressed.
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Conversation sometimes becomes difficult because we have an unspoken expectation of the way other people should behave. When they deviate from our script for them, we may become defensive, judgmental, impatient, frustrated, and, finally, angry. Once our emotions are engaged, rational conversation may go right out the window.
For example, I once had an officemate who loved to listen to the opera all day. I don’t happen to be a big opera fan (at least not in the office), and I asked her if she could keep the radio turned down. Earphones were out of the question because she fielded phone calls several hours a day. She responded very positively and did what I asked.
But what if she had said, “I have to keep it turned up or I miss a lot of the music.”
That response would have been unacceptable to me because I had to share the office and the constant music impeded my ability to work. At that point, the conversation would have become more difficult. I might have become irritated, because I had an expectation of what any conscientious, polite co-worker would do, and she was violat-ing that expectation.
We have so many expectations of people: we expect our children will obey, spouses will be supportive, grandparents will want to be involved with their grandchildren, bosses will be reasonable, and service people will be interested in helping us solve problems. When those expectations go unmet, we may immediately make the jump from reason to emotion and turn a reasonable conversation into a rant.
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If you find yourself at a flashpoint—a time when emotion threatens to hijack a conversation—you can turn down the flame by asking yourself a couple of important questions.
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The initial thing you should examine is this:
What unmet expectation is causing me to feel this way?
A strategic marketing consultant was recently involved with a very young communi-cations specialist on a project for a mutual client.
“On paper, [the young communications specialist] outranked me, and he was super-cilious, rude, and very dismissive. Finally, we had a telephone conversation that threatened to go over the edge. He wanted to cut some corners that would have diminished the quality of the project and angered the client.
“I argued with him about it, but since he was the alpha dog on the project, he over-ruled me. My anger was out of proportion to the issue, so I asked myself why. There was the obvious quality problem, but the real trouble was that my expectations were out of line.
“I expected that he would behave like a seasoned professional, and he couldn’t. He had about six months’ experience in the real world. He didn’t understand the first thing about client management or teamwork—or courtesy, for that matter.
“I also expected that he would defer to my experience and judgment. When I saw that wasn’t going to happen, the first emotion I felt was consternation, followed rapidly by irritation and anger.
“Once I’d looked at my expectations, I saw that his behavior, while obnoxious, was somewhat understandable. I calmed down.
I also realized we probably wouldn’t work together again, and I made the conscious decision not to expend a lot of energy worry-ing about his behavior.
“The project failed in exactly the way I told him it would. Although I’m ashamed to say it, I took a certain amount of satisfaction at the outcome.”
There’s more to the story, however. About six months later, the consultant received an e-mail from her former colleague, apologizing for his behavior. He’d had another
Although you may believe that emotions rise up by them-selves, the fact is that before you feel an emotion, you have experienced a thought, even if the thought was so fleeting you weren’t aware of it. How you think about a conversational exchange determines your emo-tional response to it.
Words to the Wise
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project go down in flames and wondered if she could help him see where he was going wrong. “He was now eager for mentoring,” she says. “I’ve decided to work with him a little bit, just to see what develops.”
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Once you’ve looked at your expectations, you need to answer the next question:
What responsibility do I bear for this situation?
This is a toughie, because if we’re in an unpleasant interchange with someone else, we like to believe we’re in the right and the other person is wrong.
Suppose, for example, that a co-worker is in your face about a project you’re both working on. He thinks you’re shirking your part of the project, and he’s really letting you have it, shouting and swearing. This isn’t the first time he’s behaved this way. It seems he’s constantly incensed about something, and you’re his target of choice. It
may seem peculiar to ask yourself what responsibility you bear, but there are two sides to any conversation, and there’s enough responsibility to go around.
In this case, you’re being screamed at because you’ve allowed yourself to be screamed at in the past. Had you spoken up the first time it happened, you might have been able to effect a change. Now it will be difficult to do so because your co-worker believes his conduct is acceptable to you. You have to retrain him, and because you have permitted this behavior to persist, the training period may take quite a while.
It has to start somewhere, however, and now is the time. There is no reason whatso-ever for co-workers to scream at each other, no matter how upset they may be. Your next step is to put a stop to the behavior, and to use the appropriate words to do it.
“Ron, I see that you’re very upset. But when I’m screamed at, I can’t concentrate on what the problem is. I just want to get away from the screaming. I’d like to know what’s bothering you, but I can’t know what you want me to do until you lower the volume.”
If there’s no useful response, you can become more assertive.
Never tell another person,
“You asked for it. You made me (get angry, behave badly, hit you).” Unless you are being physically threatened, no one else’s behavior can compel you to do anything. If you got angry, behaved badly, or hit someone, the responsibility lies with you.
Don’t Do It!
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“I’d like to talk with you about this, Ron, but I’ve explained my feelings about being screamed at. I’m going back to my office (or to the lunchroom or any-where he isn’t), and I’ll be happy to discuss this with you there when you feel calmer.”
EV]ÂaW\1]\b`]Z-The two questions point out some impor-tant truths. We do not have control over what other people say. We do, however, have control over how we react.
Taking the time to put a rational thought between what someone says and your reac-tion to it can help keep a conversareac-tion from turning into a train wreck. It relieves pressure and gives you a moment to pause, reflect, consider your response, and put the conversation on a more positive track.
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U When we feel we are in danger, we prepare to fight or flee.
U Difficult conversations can make us feel threatened and can result in fight-or-flight reactions.
U Many difficult conversations arise from holding unspoken assumptions about how other people will—or should—behave.
U Hot conversations can be cooled by inserting a thought between emotional exchanges.
When a conversation has become contentious, use the person’s name in your responses. Sometimes just hear-ing his name can brhear-ing someone who’s out of control back to reality.
Words to the Wise