Have you ever noticed that a lot of guys try to work an ‘image’ that they’ve got, in order to get attention from women?
A lot of men rely quite heavily on some sort of external object or reference point – money, fame, good looks, flashy clothes – in order to be successful with women.
If you’ve already got those things, then congratulations to you. You’ll probably already have a measure of success with women, and may be used to getting at least some initial attention from them.
As for me, I don’t like relying on external reference points to get attention or success, and I don’t recommend it for long-term success.
Here’s why.
This might sound a little ‘out there’, so bear with me.
It’s because, when you rely on external objects to get women, your interactions with them are always going to be about power and fear.
Fear, because you know deep down that you ‘need’ whatever it is – your face, your wallet,
your big famous job – to get those women. When the thing goes away, the women go away. That’s scary.
And it’s about power, because you know deep down that you – your personality, your spirit, whatever you want to call it – isn’t enough on its own to get those women.
You need that thing to get them. And you don’t have 100% control over whether that thing stays or goes …
… so you’re constantly wondering, on some level, just ‘how long’ your success with women is going to last.
It makes for a very uncomfortable existence, I’ll tell you that. And another thing.
Awhile ago, one of my friends broke his wrist in 3 places while mountain biking. He wasn’t wearing wrist guards and he paid the price in fractures.
One hospital trip and a bunch of morphine pills later, his wrist had been reset and the doctor had fitted him with one of those colored fiber-glass casts up to his elbow. Fast forward six weeks, off came the cast … and there was my friend with one majorly shrunken arm.
With no opportunity to flex and toughen, the muscles had atrophied and become useless. At the time of writing, it’s now four months later and he’s still trying to bulk up that arm to the size it used to be.
I’m pretty sure you can see where I’m going with this.
Adding too much ‘external support’ to your existing ‘attraction muscles’ …
… support that falls outside the realm of your own ‘self’, your personality and general style …
… usually ends up with the guy in question relying too heavily on the ‘quick fix’. He uses that fame or that wallet as a meal ticket to get women, and he never gets the opportunity to polish up his real skills and his real self.
it, and then that guy’s left wondering where to start.
This is why using external factors too heavily – relying on them – is both disempowering and fear-inducing.
If you want to get to the level where you can just walk up to a woman and know
instinctively how to get a good reaction, you’ve got to have a solid game that comes from
inside yourself. Your style’s got to be genuine. So: let’s talk about your style.
Do your looks matter?
You may have got the impression from what I was saying about ‘external reference points’ that looks don’t matter.
Right?
GONG!! Reality check: we all know that looks, in fact, do matter. But not in the way that you probably think they do.
When it comes to the ‘aesthetic physical appeal’ factor, guys tend to judge women pretty harshly. We just like pretty women. Most guys literally will not be able to feel attraction for a woman unless he finds her physically appealing on some level.
It’s not a conscious thing; that’s just the way it is.
Because of our propensity to rate eye-candy highly and ignore everyone else, though, we’re actually at a psychological disadvantage when it comes to things like self-image and general confidence around women.
Put simply, most guys assume that because we need a woman to look sexy, that women need us to look hot too.
This is less true than you think.
Yes, good looks for a guy are a huge advantage; but they are not necessary in order for you to be great with women.
Personally, I’ve never been the sort to turn heads. But, I’ve worked on myself enough and to the extent that my looks are not even a challenge to me any more. It’s just not even an issue.
So if you’re not a naturally good looking guy, don’t sweat it. We’ll go more into this later, but take it from me now that if you can make a woman feel a certain way, she’s going to want more from you no matter how many other good-looking dudes there are in the room. BUT … (yes, there is a but.)
This is not an invitation to let yourself go, and generally wallow in physical decrepitude. You still need to make the absolute best of what you’ve got. Excellent results require an intensity of dedication, and that means that you’ve got to improve yourself down to the bone and beyond.
Here are a few quick pointers.
BODY . You don’t need to be in perfect shape, but you should at least have an ‘averagely-
OK’ body. If you’re overweight or out of shape, that’s OK: think of it as your jumping-off point to achieving how you really want to look. Make working out a couple times a week part of your lifestyle and take some pride in yourself.
HAIR . Women notice hair and what you do with what you’ve got says a lot about your
position in life and how you see yourself.
It’s about making a choice. ‘Balding’, for example, isn’t a choice; ‘bald’ is. A shaved scalp turns heads and screams confidence; a balding scalp does the opposite. If you’re losing
your hair, pre-empt the inevitable and shave your head. I guarantee you, it looks better than leaving it at the half-way mark.
Otherwise, get a decent hairstylist. You should not be cutting your own hair unless you’re shaving your head – ditto coloring. Your hair is something that you should not skimp on. Look through some magazines and check out hairstyles on guys with about the same sort of hair as you. Figure out what looks good, and if you don’t know, ask your stylist.
Invest in a couple low-maintenance styling products, and then use them tastefully. Don’t overdo it: gobs of gel are tacky, but a little texture can add luster. And don’t do that thing that most guys do and only style the hair you can see (i.e. at the front of your head.) Check out how you look from the back and sides and do a thorough job. Five minutes isn’t too much to ask.
NAILS . Manicures are definitely too ‘overkill’, but all your nails – including toenails –
should be short and clean. Get some clippers and use them. Regularly clean under your nails with a scraper or a knife. Details matter and women will notice.
FACIAL HAIR . I have to say it: the closest thing to ‘The Invisible Man’ in today’s culture is
the guy with the full-face beard.
Dudes with big beards become invisible to women. They fly beneath the radar, and not in a good way. Do not have a full-face beard.
Some facial hair is OK, and pretty much any style goes, but make sure it’s groomed and trimmed. Any kind of bushiness or unkemptness screams ‘lazy.’ If you’re going for the five o’clock shadow thing, that’s cool, but it should be intentional, not accidental.
Oh, and bushy mutton-chop sideburns tend to repel women, as do porn-star mustaches.
TEETH . You don’t need to have a shiny-white grill, but you should be aware that good
teeth are consistently ranked by women as one of the most appealing features a guy can have.
When I was younger, I used to smoke cigarettes and drink a lot of red wine. After a couple years of this, my teeth were showing it: they were kinda yellowy and it didn’t look good. As a student, I didn’t have a lot of disposable income, but I knew I needed good teeth, so I ended up taking out a loan from the bank to finance the dentist’s bill. Twelve porcelain veneers later, I had great teeth and a killer smile. As a student, it took me a couple years to pay off the debt a little at a time, but it’s one expense I have never regretted and now I have great-looking teeth for life.
You don’t have to go to these sorts of drastic measures, obviously, but any noticeably crooked or yellow teeth should be fixed if you want to have credibility as an attractive guy. Check out inexpensive whitening (you can even DIY at home with stuff from the chemist) or you can go to a cosmetic dentist. Prices range from $30 - $3,000. Find a balance between your budget and your desire to meet women, and act accordingly.
CLOTHES . You must dress well. Any lack of care in your clothes – unraveled hems, stains,
holes – will be interpreted by women as a childish approach to life and a general lack of self-respect. You don’t need to buy a whole new wardrobe, but pay attention to detail and make sure everything on your body is well taken care of. Go through your clothing and turf out anything misshapen, uncomfortable, or unfixable.
Check out e-Bay and have a look through bargain bins. Keep an eye out for sales. Learn what you like and buy the right sizes for you: take along a female friend if you can, or any guy friends whose sense of style you admire.
Start asking opinions of shop assistants and let them suggest stuff for you. Sometimes they’re way off target, but every now and then they’ll offer something that looks really cool that you’d never have thought of yourself.
Don’t overlook your shoes. Invest in some leather polish and start taking care of your shoes. Know that men who wear sneakers, when they’re not literally just about to go play sports, are taken by women to be alarmingly clueless about style, and therefore a social liability.
Steer away from white shoes, too, unless you’ve got the nous to know what looks cool with them.
Socks: you should never wear athletic socks or white socks of any kind unless you are an athlete who is actively engaged, at the moment of wearing, in his sport. Buy some good black socks and wear them. (Business socks are good. Wear them pulled high up your calf so your ankles don’t show when you sit down.)
A final word: high-water pants. Try to buy pants that are long enough for you: it adds a really nice ‘well-fitting’ look to any outfit and just makes you look polished.
The guy whose pants are too short, on the other hand, ends up looking like a lunatic and exposing a good couple inches of pale and hairy calf whenever he sits down. Don’t be that guy. Your pants should rest on your shoes with an inch or two ‘bunched’ around your foot when you’re standing up.