In 1873, at the age of twenty-one, Hügel married the English woman, Lady Mary Herbert.232 The Anglican Herberts of Pembroke didn't think Hügel was good enough for Mary.233 Gladstone's diaries and letters indicate opposition to Mary marrying 'the German boy' on grounds of class and religion. Gladstone described a dinner at Lady Herbert's, just after the engagement announcement, 223 Hügel's literary remains provide his book, TheReality of God, and his earlier unfinished writings about Sir Alfred
Lyall. Hügel found in Lyall an agnostic soul with 'a spirit that ever hungered after the Invisible, the Eternal, the Abiding...' (SL:190).
224 See Kelly:1983:18-24 for a full list of published articles. 225 Barmann:1981:145.
226 Barmann:1981:256.
227 Eliot:1928:109. Hügel attributed the 'clumsiness' of his writing to 'owning too many languages' and the 'German half' of his blood. Barmann:1981:66:16-19/2/1920.
228 Lester-Garland:1933:7-8. 229 Lester-Garland:1933:7-8. 230 Lillie:1925:6-7.
231 Petre:1925:78.
232 Shortly after their marriage, Mary converted to Catholicism.
233 Even those who married into the Herbert fold didn't approve. Arthur Ponsonby wrote Hügel 'could argue most convincingly that black was white.' APD:nd.SP. Hubert Parry wrote Hügel 'does not impress much, on acquaintance...' HPD:Oct-Nov1893:168-9:SPA.
as 'a painful occasion.'234 Hügel wrote to Mary of his disappointment at entering 'a family, at best tolerated, where there might be more.'235 However, after they married, Hügel told Mary, 'I never dreamt of such happiness.'236
In 1876, the young couple settled in London, living at 4 Holford Road, Hampstead before moving, in 1903, to 13 Vicarage Gate, Kensington. The close proximity to Hampstead Heath and Kensington Gardens in each case, meant Hügel would take daily afternoon walks with his Pekinese dog.237
234 13/11/1873 in Matthew:1982:410 (Volume 8). 235 Bedoyère:1951:9.
236 Bedoyère:1951:9. Marrying into the Herbert family opened doors in terms of British aristocratic circles.
237 Hügel bestowed great affection on his dogs. They 'seemed to the baron to stand in regard to their masters in a way analogous to that in which man stands to God – hence many a telling spiritual and moral lesson.'
(Bedoyère:1951:270). We see Hügel's love for 'Puck' when he had to be 'put down' in 1922: 'He had lain looking at me with deep love and perfect confidence till his eyes broke.' (D:18/10/1922). Puck was 'always given the best chair.' (Mansel:1951:2).
Mary Hügel, before her wedding.
Hügel was a devoted father to his three daughters, Gertrud, Hildegard and Thekla. Given the majority of Hügel's directees were female, fathering three girls provided essential preparation for relating to women. Hügel managed his daughters' education himself teaching them Catechism, history and languages. He set them twice-yearly examinations that friends described as more difficult than those of Universities.238
Perspectives on Hügel's fathering are provided by his daughters. Hildegard, the least academic of the three, commented, 'All through my life he took the very greatest interest in anything that interested me, though it was probably... outside any interests of his own.'239 Hildegard also wrote, 'he loved to play with us... He loved nature, and taught us about birds and animals and trees on our constant walks with him.'240 Thekla reported:
238 Bedoyère:1951:53. 239 SL:66.
240 SL:54.
Hügel's first home: 4 Holford Place, Hampstead. (Author's photo).
Plaque outside 4 Holford Place, Hampstead, London. (Author's photo).
Hügel's second home: 13 Vicarage Gate, Kensington. (Author's Photo)
He was a devoted father and husband and took every pain to bring us up well, was immersed in learned books and people and Greek and Hebrew etc in his study, but it was for God – from a boy of 18 or earlier his one longing was for God alone.241
Juliet Mansel, Hügel's directee who lived with the Hügel's, described the 'unique atmosphere' at Vicarage Gate: 'the warmth, the charitableness, the humorous tolerance which enveloped all the incongruous people who came to the house; men of learning to see the Baron, artists and musicians to call on Lady Mary.'242 Frances Lillie, another directee, described the Hügels as a 'united and devoted family.'243
Hügel's wife, Mary, was very different to him and they appeared to live fairly independently.244 Frances described Mary as 'kind... but apparently not widely read.'245 Mary did not appear to share Hügel's love for learning and reading and never understood or shared his convictions. Hügel told his 'dear wife' only shared his attitudes 'by affection.'246 Hügel's diaries describe them as largely going on separate holidays and outings, having separate friends and going on their own retreats.247 Mary spent much time at music concerts without Hügel. The only events they consistently attended together were family outings, Church services and cinema trips.248
In their early days of marriage, Hügel's letters were very affectionate. Later on there are occasional signs of disagreement and challenges. In one letter, Hügel wrote of 'praying and thinking [about] all... you so kindly put before me' and how my 'over-intensity and absorption... makes you suffer.'249 In another, he spoke of his 'fear lest my Moll should become one of those women who live in their feelings instead of the will... Oh, let us be living, struggling, acting souls.'250
In another letter to Mary, there is an indication that she was threatened by Hügel's attention to others in his spiritual direction. Hügel reassured her that:
my friendship both for Addis and Duchesne and Huvelin and M.T. and Rhoda and Evelyn
241 Sr-Thekla-to-Sr-Mary-Assumpta:July:1963:NCPA. 242 Mansel:1951:1.
243 Barrows:1969:123.
244 Initially, Hügel suggested to Mary they could read the Greek and Latin classics together: 'I like the idea uncommonly, don't you?' That apparently did not occur. (Bedoyère:1951:6).
245 Barrows:1969:123.
246 Add.ms44928.155:BL:5/2/1940.
247 For example, Mary goes alone on a weekly retreat in 1921. D:13/8/1921.
248 Hügel's diaries repeatedly mention their attendance at Church together and their frequent trips to see films. 249 Bedoyère:1951:86.
is in its origin and essence wholesome, useful, loyal to you and to all... I am interested in and, please God, helpful to... kittle-cattle souls.251
A revealing comment occurs in Dolly Ponsonby's diary in 1922. She quotes Hügel as speaking 'in a curiously detached way' of Mary who 'always needed to be amused... and... had friends not worthy of her on the same account.'252 This may have been a reference to Boris Lensky, who was a friend of Mary's over the period 1917 to 1922, and over whom Hügel and Mary had some kind of ongoing disagreement.253
However, many of Hügel's letters to Mary reveal his affection for her: 'My dear old thing;'254 'My darling Molly'255 and 'my never old Molly.'256 In 1923, we see Hügel and Mary celebrate their Golden Wedding Anniversary and give each other new wedding rings.257 It had been, in Hügel's words, a 'half century of holding together in sunshine and in storm.'258
251 Bedoyère:1951:86. 252 DD:15/9/1922.
253 From 1917, there are mentions of Mary and Lensky having 'a little stay' at Henley on Thames (D:3/11/1917), and later that month going to Wilton together (D:13/11/1917). In November 1918, Lensky stayed with the Hügels when he was unwell. Later that month, we read 'M[ary] in great state over one of L[ensky]'s moods.' (D:28/11/1918). The following day, Hügel wrote an 'important letter to Lensky' (D:19/11/1918). Then in July 1919, Hügel wrote to Mary saying that Lensky cannot stay with them at Clonboy for more than 48 hours. (D:1/7/1919). The climax of this saga came while Hügel was away at Thursley in August, 1921 and Lensky arrived wanting to stay at Vicarage Gate. Hildegard got Lensky to move out and Hügel wrote to Hildegard 'approving of her action.' (D:19/8/1921). Then the following month, we read: '[Lensky] turned up feverish after one his injectising. M[ary] anxious; he is sleeping here tonight.' (D:19/9/1921) We then read in early October, 'Very poor night' D:3/10/1921) and 'very wakeful night... Imp[ortant] note to Lensky.' (D:4/10/1921). In March 1922, we read 'Poor M[ary] in state of terrible anxiety about Lensky – not heard from him for over a month.' (D:26/3/1922) The following day we read, 'M[ary] heard from Lensky... A great detente.' (D:27/3/1922). It's not completely clear what was really going on in the Lensky saga, but Hügel's letters to Hildegard do indicate some frustration and uncertainty about how to talk with Mary about Lensky.
254 SL:28.
255 ms387767/9:SAUL:9/8/1920 256 ms387767/9:SAUL:9/8/1920.
257 D:27/11/1923. Gwen Greene was also reasonably uncomplimentary about Mary, writing that the Catholic Church has its 'Aunt Marys (dear old thing!)' (GDL:1/9/1926:SPA.D:27/3/1922); and that 'Poor Aunt M – as you can imagine – put me off dreadfully for a time' from converting. (GDL:21/9/1926:SPA). In another letter, Gwen wrote, 'I have had a bad attack of Aunt Mary – as we call humbugs.' (GDL:n.d:SPA).