As we have seen, Huvelin believed that charity was expressed in generosity, particularly in self- giving - a priest is perpetually at the service of others. Yet this self-giving seems to have been taken at times to extremes: 'God asks of us more than we shall ever give Him. Never lower your ideal, keep raising it always.'202 Hügel spoke of how Huvelin's sufferings led to his 'spiritually joyous' life,203 but never of Huvelin being depressed or burnt out. Yet it seems that Huvelin struggled with depression for much of his life, speaking of 'despondency- my bête noir... with which I am
continually at war.'204
Huvelin's personal papers reveal this depression at times reached utter despair and thoughts of suicide: 'I am dazed, I am afraid I'm going mad and I can't even pass on what God gives me for the souls, or help the ones who need me.'205 'My head is bad, I feel the madness filling me.'206 'There is nothing supernatural, there is an excessive tiredness and because everyone carries in his madness his habitual preoccupations, sadness without measure and thoughts of suicide.'207 By the middle of 1880, Huvelin described the sensation in his head using the metaphor of his staircase collapsing and one side of his bedroom falling on the street.208 In 1881: 'My soul, my head, my heart are so painful that I try not to touch them.'209 'I have nothing else to give, only remnants.'210 By 1884, Huvelin was journalling: 'I need all my faith to not + myself. God can't ask of me what is no longer cope-able... I screamed three times "Make me die!"'211 Later that year, when visiting a dying woman, he
journalled, 'I had an extreme envy to be in her place.'212 In 1885 he recorded, 'I don't know how to pray.' 'I'm crying. I'm good for nothing.'213 By December 1888, Huvelin wrote, 'I can't live any more. I passed the night in the bedroom of my father praying to God to take me before the end of 1889.'214 Louis-Lefebvre suggests that Huvelin was so 'conscientious' in his ministry role that 'he became its victim.'215 202 Steuart:1938:156. 203 ms37194/25d:SAUL:12/5/1911. 204 ATW:37. 205 Portier:1979:42:25/1/78 206 Portier:1979:43:1/1/79. 207 Portier:1979:43:15/3/79. 208 Portier:1979:45:30/6/1880. 209 Portier:1979:42:17/8/81. 210 Portier:1979:42:21/3/81.
211 The + is most probably 'kill', in Portier:1979:44;21/11/84:23/11/86. 212 Portier:1979:44:16/11/84.
213 Portier:1979:42:19/4/85. 214 Portier:1979:44:15/2/83;6/2/83.
215 Louis-Lefebvre:1967:233-234. The question also arises why Huvelin did not have a spiritual director himself who was able to discern his utterly exhausted, depressed state, step in and make him rest. Rowan Williams states that Huvelin 'was not what many would call a whole man...[but] a deeply injured and fearful man, psychologically scarred.' Williams:1994:207-8.
Hügel seems to have been a similar 'intense' personality, who gave himself to people 'without reserve.'216 He wrote to Evelyn Underhill, 'if ever you feel... I could help you in any way... do not, because I am busy, shrink from coming to me.'217
But several factors seem to have protected Hügel from the exhaustion and depression that afflicted his mentor. One was probably Hügel's status as a lay spiritual director, which would have made him less accessible and popular than a priest, and probably gave him greater freedom to schedule his commitments and even to turn people away.
We perhaps see this greater control over his schedule in Hügel's commitment to rest and Sabbath- keeping. He wrote to Maude Petre that he would 'break down in health... if I did not stick to my... rule of keeping the Sunday strictly for rest and freedom.'218 Hügel also appeared to embrace more fully periods of enforced rest, recognising that God achieves much when we are inactive: 'these days of enforced do-nothing...[are] fruitful.'219 And his commitments to his directees did not
necessarily involve large amounts of face-to-face time. With Evelyn Underhill, for example, we see that Hügel prays for her three times a day, but only sees her every 6 months.220
Additionally, as we shall see in Chapter 6, Hügel embraced Fénelon's emphasis on 'leisurely' spirituality more fully than Huvelin. He wrote to Gwen of 'doing materially less... finding grand opportunities of growth... organising my day... in a careful succession of quasi-nothings.'221
Similarly, '[M]an attains in religion... in proportion as he seeks not too directly, not feverishly and strainingly, but in a... patient, sunny manner.'222
Finally, Hügel's roles as a husband and a father gave him greater freedom to engage in play and recreation. He wrote that, 'Ever since I have had... children, I have felt myself a creature enriched... with the obligation to possess a reserve of light and life and love.'223 Alongside trips to the cinema
and Gilbert and Sullivan shows with Mary, his diaries reveal walks with his daughters and outings to the zoo, galleries and museums. We also read constantly of his afternoon teas with close friends
216 Steere:1964:12. 217 ms5552:SAUL:29/10/1921. 218 Kelly:2003:109:24/10/1910:28/4/1910;15/10/1912. 219 Kelly:2003:103,137. 220 Cropper:2003:83. 221 Greene:1929b:148. 222 EAII:60. 223 EAI:106.
such as Adeline Chapman. Hügel emphasised the importance of 'open air and physical exercise'224
and holidays.225